And you think you want to be a mom?

Here are a few things I think everyone should know who has a kid or is considering having one.

Buy all socks in one style and all matching. This will make you life so much easier when you are rushing around in the morning and your kid is completely dress and the only thing holding you back is finding a pair of fucking socks that match.

Once you get socks you should hang a mesh bag on the wall near your kids clothes hamper and put all socks in this bag to assure yourself that the washing machine sock eating monster will not eat your socks.

When you find something your child likes i.e. coveted leak proof sippy cup with a straw in it, run out and but 43 of them. This will come in handy so when your kid is screaming at the top of his lungs for his damn cup and all you can find at every single store is cups that he takes one look at and chucks at your head.

Get an economy size bottle of Valium. Boys will freak you the fuck out. Forget child proofing they will outsmart it. Forget putting foam on corners they will hit hard enough to make the foam obsolete. They will jump off of everything, run into everything and also head butt you right in the head, teeth, mouth, temple and so on, just because their FATHERS taught them how to. If you think it looks scary it will make them laugh.

Leave the child safety locks at the store. They will figure out how to open the doors to all cabinets. This includes opening your bathroom cabinet and finding your tampons and running around the house unwrapping them and leaving tampon parts for your guests to find.

Do not put your very expensive ceramic Le Creuset pots in lower cabinets. They will climb in said cabinets and throw those pots out first because they are shiny and made of pretty colors.

String cheese does actually melt and CAN be smashed into your couch cushions.

Get some sort of hard wood or laminate. Babies leak. Sippy cups leak. Baby spoons leak. Everything about babies leaks on floors and it all stains. It is all invisible at first until it dries into a big black! spot.


Okay people this is my first venture with video. It's also taken from my cellphone so bare with me until my husband gives in and lets me get a grown up video camera that will record to my computer. Gosh!

How to be a genius

So like I mentioned before an old friend of mine Jenny got in contact with me. During one of our messages she brought up "THE DOORSTEP INCIDENT" HA! I started laughing so hard and decided I would share this with the world so you could all see what a jackass I was when I was friends with Shanna.

It was sophomore year. I only know this because I was driving my ford when Shanna and I went to start shit. I was grounded (no clue why but it had to be bad because I only got grounded maybe two times) so I was supposed to leave school and head directly to work. On the way out of the parking lot Jen pulled in front of me and flipped me off. Now! there was no reason for this because Jen and I had not a single problem with each other besides the fact that Shanna HATED! no wait DESPISED!! her because Jen was dating Shannas ex from like 25 years earlier. (side note:Shanna claimed all men as hers, if she dated them you did not ever look or talk to them. If she did not date them you still did not look or talk to them in case she felt like dating them) So I guess I was hated by association. Okay truth I'm sure there might have been some Shanna induced shit talking towards Jen but still I really had no reason not to like her.

Back to the point. I see her middle finger come out of her sunroof (I think, that may not be right could have been drivers window) and I'm furious for no reason other then I feel like stirring up shit. So I drive to Shannas grab her and tell her what just happened. BRILLIANT right? Ya I mean I was in high school so why not go looking for a reason to stir up shit. Shanna freaks out and decides she wants to go to Jens house. OK YAY lets load up and drive to someones house and yell at them. Again! Brilliant. We were fucking geniuses. We show up on her doorstep and her mom answers the door. YES I can definitely see how we thought this through. We ask to see Jen and the next thing I know Shanna is screaming at her and I'm throwing in a few YA's and nasty looks. The whole time we are doing this her mom is right there. Towards the end I begin to ask myself what the fuck we were doing screaming at this girl in front of her parents. You know that part in the Movie breakfast club where the Jock says he beat up the guy and his dad was so proud and then he thought about how that guy felt having to go home and and tell his dad he had just been beaten up? That is how I started feeling. All the sudden I was like wow how must this look to Jens mom now. Genius? NO! Jerks were more like it. After that I made a pretty big effort to just generally avoid Jen that way I didn't have to confront the situation. I remember running into her a few years later at the farmers market and she was really nice to me and I was thinking to myself what on earth could this girl have ever done to deserve that. Luckily in high school a few years later Jen and I made up and even went to a prom together with all our friends and had a great time.

So there you go. The famous doorstep incident which sounds so much more to me like the famous dumb ass incident. Ha! I think I could come up with a whole book of dumb shit stuff Shanna talked me into doing. On the flip side Jen do you remember that prom? The one where Nicole and Alla got all mad at each other because Alli had "been" with Scott, Nicoles date? Member we had to go because we weren't part of the SIX PACK. Sooooo don't miss high school.


Thanks Jenn for reading my Blog...Now I have 6 whole readers. Woohoo!

I’m drivng to San Francisco right now and I had to write. I was on my new cell phone and was able to check my Myspace and I just received a message from Jenn. She’s a girl that I went to high school with and it is making me totally fucking nuts that my phone won’t let me write her back. I bring this up because she is reading my blog now (YAY ANOTHER READER WOOOO FINALLY) and she stumbled onto the post about Shanna. When I wrote that post or actually most of my posts I always hesitate to use real names. But then I realize that part of writing the blog is just to get my feelings out and be heard and part of it is really just to say sorry to so many people. It was so cathartic writing about Shanna and finally admitting to the whole world why I was the way I was in high school. I needed people to know that I didn’t mean to be horrible I just didn’t know any other way. One thing I knew was that by putting Shanna’s name on here was that the people I hurt would know I was talking to them and there were a lot of them.

It happened today. Jenn found my blog and she read about Shanna and she totally got it. She knew I was speaking to her (and thousands of others) when I said I was sorry. Honestly I think she let me off the hook way to easily and I am so thankful for that. Right at that moment I knew that putting Shanna’s name out there was the right thing to do. I didn’t do it to hurt Shanna I did it to speak personally to all of the people I was trying to apologize to. Should Shanna ever stumble across this blog I’m sure the shit will fly BUT SO FUCKING WHAT, No really SO! WHAT! what is she going to do? Yell at me and make people stop being my friend? Big fucking deal right? I’ve got my friends now, my real ones, the ones who won’t run because big bad Shanna SAID SO. Uggg how obnoxious that I spent my whole life being a fucking assfuck like her. I’m so glad I reached Jen. In fact I had scanned her page a few times on Myspace but was really afraid to write out of fear that she would hold me responsible for all the horrible things Shanna did to her. I’m so glad that I now get to push ADD FRIEND to another person I never thought I would be able to add. Yay for me right! Hell ya. Come on everyone and jumÅ“p on the SHANNA SUCKS FOR BRINGING ME DOWN BANDWAGON, All aboard choochooo!! But really CHOOCHOO. Join the cool new clique*. The clique where being nice is fucking awesome. Where everyone is friends just for the shit of it. Stephanie jumped on, I think Jenn will too, whose next. Come on people and join the nice bus. Do that thing from that one Adam Sandler movie you know, where he calls and apologizes. DO. IT. Say sorry to someone even if its just your little brother, just say your sorry, let go and move on people. You will feel so much better.
REMEMBER: You have to lose sight of the shore to discover new oceans
AND: Each of us must withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.

*Disclaimer, clique members must not be afraid to say the following words, fuck, shit, ass, assfuck, fuckity fuck, fucker fuck and any other variation of the words shitfuckass. All clique members must also understand that most of my posts will contain all above listed words at least once in the blog and tough luck if you hate it. Isn’t it enough that I’m being nice? You can’t make me give up my favorite words too. Oh yeah I totally had to add FUCKITY to my spell check dictionary. Woooo!!!!


I think I figured it out

I was reading Oprahs magazine tonight and it was talking about how in order to change your eating habits and exercise habits you have to reprogram your brain to think it is getting a reward. And it has to be a good reward and one that is daily. So I figured it out. Every time I go work out I get to read my friends blogs. I have become pretty addicted to blogs so that is why it will give me a total dopamine rush to come home from working out and read my blogs. However I still get to post blogs because I need the release. So what I come up with for that is that every time I'm good with my eating for an hour I'm allowed to blog. So if I eat chocolate and then I want to post for the next hour even if I am dying to do it. This means if you don't hear anything from me for a few days its because I'm super sucking at being healthy like I wanted. I still think I will start the exercise part next Tuesday. So wish me luck. See ya.

The day of the random posts

Can my posts be any more random and boring? And, Really can I write any more posts in one day? I mean really whats my problem? I'm like some weird posty blog girl that can't stop. Maybe I need to vacuum out my brain and get rid of all the crap that is just jumbling up in there. Seriously what is this post number fiftyteen or something? I'm so lost anymore. O man my son is screaming again gotta go get him.

I wish I could SEES you

Wow! I am having a severe "I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE" moment and all I can find is 4, yes! FOUR! Hersheys kisses. Where is a Sees candy when you need one? I'm going to start a wish list on here and fill it up with chocolate.

O my fuck

Ha! So my friend Stephanie is also a friend of a few of my exes. Last night we were sitting around being all dipshitty and looking through our year book and I got all nostalgic about talking to one of my exes. Not because I like him or I miss him because I'm very married to an amazing man, more just because we had some really awesome times together and it sucks that we don't talk any more because they were sorta cool. So Steph and I got the bright idea that I should email them. This is how that email would probably go:

This whole situation has caused me to eat a whole lot of celery and cream cheese because I'm trying to be healthy but still need to shove something in my mouth before I freak the fuck out. Then we get it in our head that maybe I should email Kylen to my other ex (if you can really call a fuck buddy you had for 5 years an ex) and his email was going to look like this.


Hmm do I sound bitter. Fucking fucks. Gosh I dated some pieces of shit. Thank God I found my husband who is so amazing sometimes I wonder how in the hell he got stuck with me in the first place. It must be right though because somehow we made the worlds most perfect little boy.

I resolve to just say Fuck it this year this is me you love it or you hate it, (but, please, LOVE IT)

It's the 28th today. Holy shit! Where did this year go. I feel like ever since I had Brandon the days just fly by and I hate that. New years is around the corner and I don't know what to do with myself. I have this dumb shit rule that on holidays like New Years I prefer not to go out because someone got it in my head that since there is so much drunk driving about that its not a good idea to have both parents out in the same car in case someone wrecks into us. That means that for the last two years (the first year I was pregnant so I counted as a parent) my husband and I have done nothing. After all I don't want to let my New Year celebration be the cause of my son losing both his parents because some teeny bopper got drunk and smashed into us. (Oh gosh do I sound old! OLD, capital OLD not just a little OLD but OLD and moldy OLD) We sit at home and pass out before 9:00 and feel like asses in the morning that we didn't even have a first kiss. Every year I ask Rob if he wants to go out with his friends and he says no because he feels dorky not having anyone to kiss at midnight (a better answer would be "no baby I want to stay home because I love you and the night wouldn't be the same with out you" HA, never happen!) So this new years we you will again be able to find me at home in my bed or perhaps rebelling a little and playing an action packed game of yahoo Gin. Go GIN Buddies!

New Years has also brought upon the whole resolution crap talk. Like anyone ever follows their resolutions. One year I resolved to learn to knit or crochet (thats right I don't know the difference, I wanted to do the one with the little hooky thing and not the chopsticks). I got as far as making a big long rope that pretty much fell apart and I gave up. I'm sure probably 20 out of the 25 years I've been around I resolved to lose 20 pounds. HA, no, really, HA! The only people who will have luck with that gay ass resolution are those smart enough to go get a tummy tuck or their stomachs stapled on December 31st. Ooo yeah I also resolved to be a better friend (or some bullshit like that) only I realized in order to be a better friend I needed to have better friends to be a good friend to so maybe I should have resolved to kick my shit ass friends to the curb (I totally succeeded with that last year GO ME). My husband resolved to quit saying Goddammit but then he realized that I make him say Goddammit to much to ever quite saying Goddammit because apparently something about me makes him so angry sometimes HE JUST HAS TO TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN. (Dear God please forgive me for just writing Goddammit three no now four times, but hey have you noticed what an effort I've been making to write gosh instead of God and that I totally learned to capitalize the "G" out of respect now? Go me!)

Maybe this year I should resolve to be a total bad ass or to be super awesome or something. WAIT! I already am SUPER AWESOME! I guess maybe a more realistic resolution would just be to be healthier for my son and to set a better example. Not to lose weight or diet but just be healthier. I was doing good for quite a while but I think I fell of the healthy wagon and landed in the lake of chocolate and junk food. I could make a resolution to blog daily. But then what if I didn't, would I be a total fuck up because I was having an off day. Then should I feel guilty all year because I let down the 5 readers I have. I should resolve to cut back on diet soda's but really, REALLY! now why would I do that? I should resolve to stop writing such crappy ass boring blogs and start putting some oomph into them. YA uh hu cuz my life is so full of oomphy things. I'm just full of excitement here. I won't even go out on New Years and I am complaining I have nothing interesting to write about.

I'm going to go now. Off to work to sit and think about what a boring humdrum New Years I'll be having while all my friends are out being drunk assholes. Oh how I miss being a drunk asshole. Except, NOT REALLY!


Things I learned from my cheese today

Your nose can grow as much as half an inch longer and wider between ages 30 and 70

The octopus has 3 hearts

Oak trees are hit by lightning more then any other tree.



The author of this blog is the queen of Awesomeness (Yeah thats a word, shut it)

So onto the lighter side of my weekend. My husband and I decided that this year for the most part we were going to do that thing where we just go shopping for our own stuff and call it Christmas presents. I went Saturday and scored a super fantabulous belt that is reversible in two shades of brown which now means I have a belt that matches 98% of my shoes. HELL YA FOR ME. I also got two super cute T-shirts to go over all of the random color thermals I have collected lately. I got a bunch of other shit but the best part was my new fantastic awesome jeans. You know the only problem with perfect wonderful awesome jeans? I want more delightful wonderful perfect fitting jeans. Now I'm stuck with only one perfect pair of jeans. These pants make my legs look thin, my ass look small and me look fantasmick.

Wow how many more horrible made up adjectives can I put in one blog? This has been a spell check nightmare.

I briefly considered taking a picture of myself but I didn't want to be all hey look at me in my fabulous jeans that you sooooo don't have. HA HA suckers. If i did post a picture I would title it "LOOK AT ME IN ALL MY AWESOMENESS! ! ! !"

I just want a bagel thats all is that asking to much? Apparantly

Have I told you yet how I came to be gluten free? Probably like 7,000 times but I'm not so good at the remembering what I've already blogged about so I'll tell you again.
Years ago when I was maybe 13ish I started getting this ridiculously horrible cramping that felt like, hey if I puke this will feel better (what kind of genius thinks this kind of shit). Only it never did. A few days would go by and the pain would go away. I finally went to see my doctor who took my blood pressure and informed me that I had an ulcer. He gave me ulcer pills told me to drink tons of milk and called it a day. Only problem was those made it hurt worse. I went back and he declared that whoever had told me to take those pills was an idiot. I reminded him that a month earlier he had in fact told me to take the pills. He looked in my chart and mumbled something and declared I was lactose intolerant and to quit all dairy. I nearly pissed myself because I am a vegetarian so besides veggies, milk, cheese and ice cream were all I had. I didn't know what I would do with myself. About two weeks into that the pain came again. This time I went to my OB. He declared I had endometrosis and loaded me up with Vicodin (Oh so thats how the addiction started). He also did blood work and informed me I had very very low chances of ever having an ulcer. He did a surgery and said that I had stage four endometriosis. Lovely. That seemed to help for a while but the pain always came back. Three surgeries later I was endometriosis free (for now) and pregnant. OOOOOHHHH OUCH OOOOHHH SHIT. That is what I spent a lot of time saying during my pregnancy. I took myself to ER three times and was informed all three that I was suffering from gas and an ulcer. One visit I was even accused of taking Castor oil. Great, wonderful, fuck you very much. Another time they accused me of going to ER to get more ultrasounds just so I could see what the baby looked like. WOW got to love our medical care huh. I had the kid and pain was still there. Take myself to ER and get told I have an ulcer. At this point I lose it and morph into some complete nutso and use some unfriendly words at the doctor along the lines YOU BETTER FIGURE THIS OUT FUCKER I'M NOT LEAVING HERE AGAIN WITH! NOTHING! WRONG! He tells me he will do a courtesy ultrasound and its probably just some cysts rupturing. NOPE I have gallstones. Yeah thats right. This jack ass doctor was going to let me leave with some fucking ulcer pills which are hell on a gallbladder. When I went in for surgery for my gallbladder I was informed that it had been sick for a long time and it was so great I had it out because it had pushed itself up against another organ to prevent from bursting. PAIN STILL THERE. But don't worry I had plenty of ulcer pills. Finally I think to myself. You know maybe I can't eat wheat (no clue where the fuck this thought came from) and holy shit did it work. Only problem. FUCK! is it hard to give up bagels and bread and cake and cookies and brownies and so on.

Which brings me to the actual reason for this post. I want a bagel. I want a bagel from a bagel shop so bad. The kind that is just dripping with that cream cheese that only bagel places have. AND I CAN'T HAVE ONE. Yeah whatever. This leads me to the second reason for my post. It is so hard for me to eat. For lunch today I had this organic rice in a bag thing. It was okay but not good enough that I could eat the same flavor every day. This brings up the problem of me being a vegetarian. It seems like even the things that look vegetarian on the cover never are. They almost ALWAYS contain chicken broth. I got creative for a while and started making my own soups since most people make soup with damn wheat flour and I can't have that either. However even my the master chef gets a little tired of cooking each meal. I hate when I go to a restaurant and the only vegetarian items are salad and potatoes. Would some rice and vegetables and beans kill you to put on. Or when I go to Paisans and they have two soups and both have chicken in them. Wow fuckers. I was perfectly content going to lunch at Wild Oats everyday but I guess that is too healthy for my coworkers.

Oh gosh could this post be any more boring? Sure it could! Can I cuss anymore? Absolutely. So sorry to my five readers for my verbal spewage of trash.

In the end I'm left eating a whole bunch of lettuce and making homemade soup all the time and grosso oatmeal for breakfast. You see I also hate eggs which makes breakfast nearly fucking impossible especially since one of my assfuck friends had to tell me that cereal contains bugs, bug pieces and bug eggs and sometimes hatched bugs. Now I'm stuck with oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. Shit is it any wonder I'm so crabby lately?

Basically this is me complaining about everything when I'm really just mad at my carpet

Disclaimer: This post contains a lot of four letter words, and also other bad words so if you don't want to read it, well, fuck you!

So Christmas is over. I am left with a feeling that is mixed with overwhelmed and mildly disappointed. This year I asked my friends and family to please not buy my son toys. He has enough really. I should take photos, whatever, that requires me to get of the couch and that isn't going to happen. In lieu of presents I asked everyone to donate to the charity of their choice. Here is what my son has received so far.

*A sit and spin. (This is a toy it is giant, I don't know what to do with it)
*A book and a check (okay the check is fine, now I have to take it and put it in his bank but I might just put it in mine and then send it back to UC Davis children's hospital)
*A stuffed dog (I was told all proceeds from said dog went to some charity blah blah blah its still space in my house since my son won't touch a stuffed animal with a ten foot pole it will now go in the pile of stuffed animal fluff in his room)
*Snowboarding pants and a hat (Okay I totally wanted these so I'm not actually mad at my cousin for buying them because they are fucking adorable and yeah they are awesome so I'll let that one slide)
Now onto the grandparents (my parents that is)
*A $30.00 donation to Make a Wish Foundation (you would think they listened right, like they did what I said..Ha read on)
*One giant stuffed chair with Alex the Lion on it (I guess the giant stuffed dinosaur chair they already got him a few months back wasn't enough)
*A Superman TV (yes that is right, my fucking 17 month old child who I did not want to have a TV in his room so he didn't turn into a TV obsessed fuckhead like me now has a fucking bright blue and red TV in his room)
*A giant dump truck (He folds the dumper back and sits on the drive line and rides it around, yes very cute, I'll stick it next to the battery operated car and four wheeler he had and between the other dump truck and sitty ridey thing and wooden riding train)
*Another sitty ridey thing (because 6 aren't enough)
*An outfit from baby gap (very cute again I will allow this to slide because it isn't clothing*
*A remote control buzz light year car (because he already can't work the other 3 he has)
* A page made from my mom for his scrapbook (Okay this one is fine. I actually really really liked this idea because it was combining something I loved with something I really love my son having. He has a beautiful scrapbook (2) and I loved this gift)

*O and then the phantom donation my grandpa says he made but I have yet to see.

We still have to go to my husbands families house and I hope they didn't get toys because I really don't want to have to pack shit home with us.

I got home last night and my house was already covered in toys and junk and I was dragging in bags of more crap and all the sudden I just felt overwhelmed. I have been making such a huge effort to keep our house clean lately (excludes bedroom because I am not so good at the folding of laundry bit) but it seems like every time I clean it someone finds a way to mess it back up. I have started doing this minimalist thing where every weekend I clean and each time I do I try and take one thing off my counters or out of a room. My thought is that less clutter less mess RIGHT? RIGHT???? Wrong!! Seems people just think ooooo look a new space to stuff something I don't want to deal with. Twice now I've cleaned the pantry. I make it beautiful. I sort it by meals, breakfast, lunch, tea, soup cans, tomato cans, Shannon's food (gluten free grosso crap), Brandon approved food (egg and peanut free), Brandon's medicine, our medicine, pots, pans, Tupperware (even put them all away with corresponding lids on them this time so husband doesn't whine that he couldn't find a lid for his tuna fish) and so on. You get the point. It was very pretty and all organized and what not. Husband takes one look at it, says IT LOOKS GREAT, then says, WE REALLY NEED TO KEEP UP ON THAT. Then I make the mistake of going to the store and asking said husband to help me unload. His idea of unloading is to shove cans and food wherever there is a can shaped hole. Now there is Brandon food in the cereal section and chip section, soup in the breakfast section, coffee on top of the bowls, bowls in the breakfast section and I want to pull my hair out when he opens it the other day and says WE REALLY SHOULD STRAIGHTEN THIS PLACE UP. Is this one of those situations where he purposely puts it all wrong so I won't ask him to help unload anymore?

Another reason I can't wait for Christmas to be completely over is that I'm sick of fighting with Brandon about why exactly he needs to leave the ornaments on the tree and why after he pulls them off he doesn't need to pull of the hook, and why after he pulls of the hook he doesn't need to go the whole way and just pull out the whole damn top of the ornament and then hide all the pieces from me so I can't even put the damn ornament back together. I can't wait for the tree to be gone.

Did I mention my carpet is driving me nuts. The fucking fucks who owned this house before me put in cream colored fucking carpet. CREAM!!!!!! Now I have to live with little black stains everywhere because SIPPY CUPS LEAK PEOPLE and little boys pee when you take their diaper off, and red cookie icing does stain, so does pink baby vomit, and strawberry milk, and apparently even water. I was supposed to get pergo as a Christmas present (pergo not real wood because we are only staying here for the next year while we build our dream house which will not have cream colored fucking carpet). I did not get my pergo because of reasons involving arguments with mom and husband and so on oh ya and the place my mom just swore would give me a good deal quoted me freaking $6,800.00!!!!!! You giant assfuck. I'm still considering getting a bid from Home Depot but in the mean time I will look at THE CARPET IN MY DINING ROOM (thats right the idiots carpeted the fucking dining room) and cry. O yeah side note the geniuses also carpeted the goddamn maser bathroom.

Basically I'm just in a feeling of eww. I want the nasty carpet gone which I actually think will make everything look so much cleaner, because I hate scrubbing my house and vacuuming just to look down and see nasty carpet. It feels like I never cleaned. I just want the dirty gone. I know the carpet is the first step but I can't justify spending that much money on something that isn't real. To me its like saying hey, Pay $1,000.00 for this Tiffany knock off okay and don't feel weird about it either okay. Oh and I know I know carpet shampooing right, WRONG. They came and shampooed and informed me that the stains would be back in three weeks, and they didn't, they came back in two.

Oh well maybe I'll feel better after the new year. Probably not though, because I will still have this carpet.

Oh and look. I just learned that I can change fonts and colors in my post


He He He

Sort of a play date...very much in my face

My friend Alli just moved back from Vegas. Alli has two kids. I believe they are ages 6 and 5 but don't quote me on that. She had these kids way before I thought of having kids and back when I was all,
"You don't have to be a parent to know how to parent." (Yes I was this ignorant)
So I made all kinds of comments on her parenting, like how I couldn't understand how in 5 years she has only spent like one night away (I still don't get it.)

Or how she has made it 5 yeas without really having a job (are you kidding me, I need to work even if I take him I NEED TO WORK.)

Or how sometimes kids have to get hurt and get dirty (DUH)

Or comments to other moms about how babies or toddler SO SHOULD NEVER SLEEP IN BED WITH THEIR PARENTS!!! EVER!!

I've made these sorts of comments to all of my friends with kids. Then I had a kid and when I made the decision to let my son sleep in my bed the first thing I did was apologize to people and say you know I didn't have a kid I didn't know any better. MOST (i.e. all but one) of my friends totally understood and giggled at me for being the dumbshit knowitall friend who was now smitten with her kid. Then there was that one. Alli. She found ever second of a chance to remind me "I remember when you said this", "I remember when you judged me for that!" Ya whatever shut up I said sorry already.

Back to the damn playdate thingy. Actually it was just the Alli had locked herself out of her house and needed to come over with the kids for a while until she could get in. The time went something like this.

Me: Sorry he has picked up a few choice words (i.e. Oh fuck and Oh shit)


Me thinking: Well fuck you very much (wasn't your son the one walking around saying shit just back in August?? Hmmm? HMMMM?)
Me (as Brandon dances on the coffee table): Gosh my kid is probably a bad influence

Alli: O no my kids would never do something like that, they know what to do and what not to do!

Me thinking: Well aren't you some super special fucking super mom
Alli: You know if you ever want me to baby sit I can

Me: Ya maybe in a while he isn't really so good with the leaving me to hang out with people he doesn't know yet thing.

Alli: Well you have to do it sometime you know so he doesn't end up all clingy

Me: I know, when we are both ready.

Alli: Well you know this is WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. You need to bring him over for 15 minutes and then 30 mintues and then an hour and each time he will scream for a while or the whole time but he will get used to me.

Me thinking: Because I just have 15 minutes to drop my kid of at your house while I sit on the porch listening to him scream for no fucking reason when we could be playing happily at the park.

Alli: It's hard I know, BUT! DON'T! WORRY! I'M! NOT! JUDGING! YOU! AT! ALL!!!

Me thinking: What the fuck I never thought you were judging me till you just brought it up and even if you are who the fuck cares I'm not like you I don't care if you think I'm doing it wrong, I'm the mom, not you, he's mine, not yours, no I don't have to leave him anywhere and force him to scream if I'm just not ready. I don't need to leave him with someone just so he can grow up and think his mom didn't love him or get hurt and remember that one time his mommy wasn't there when he got hurt.

Alli: Don't worry you'll be fine but you have to do it

Me thinking: Blah blah I'm Alli I have more kids then you I'm a know it all, I am going to over advise you the way you spat out your advice before, Blah blah...get out of my house play date over.
Later Chase (her son) and Brandon were playing and Chase was building blocks. Well my son seriously has something against blocks being stacked in any kind of orderly fashion and immediately rushes over to bash his fist through the blocks and then swoosh his hand back and forth over the top to make sure no block was left neatly stacked anywhere near another block. Chase starts getting all sad and boohoo so Alli called him over and whispered (but not really a whisper)

"Chase he's just a baby and he doesn't know any better so don't get mad at him that he knocked them over, he just doesn't understand that you are building stuff and that he needs to let you play with the toys."

"Chase he is just a baby whose mom hasn't taught him yet that you don't touch toys when other kids are playing with them, and he obviously doesn't know right from wrong, and don't get mad because it isn't his fault his mom lets him get away with things I would never ever let my precious angels do!!!!!!"

Am I just out of my mind or what people. Please don't come to my house and spew your I'm not judging you bullshit when you are clearly judging me because I don't want to stifle my sons creative side. So what if he climbs on the coffee table and dances. He is happy when he is up there. And so what if he knocks over blocks. I once remember Alli telling me that it was okay that her son at a Kit Kat sideways because it was his way of showing his creativity and that he was different. Okay so Brandon knocking over blocks is just him being creative and seeing outside the box. I am proud that my son doesn't look at blocks and think they have to be neatly lined up or stacked. My son crashes and smashes like a boy!!!! Thats right a BOY not a sissy la la!! I'm sorry I'm not one of those moms whose all "Don't take the cushions off the couch and then jump off the coffee table on them missing the glass ledge of the TV stand by a millimeter." Or I'm not like "Couches are meant for sitting not for walking, jumping or playing or fort building."

I am the mom of a BOY! A creative boy. A boy who will be a boy and run and jump and bump and bruise and HiYA and Karate chop and kerpow and blasto. My son can play cowboys and Indians with his toy gun and I'm sorry I don't care if it looks like a real cowboy gun and I'm sorry if I'm teaching him its okay to play cowboys and Indians rather then taking away all toy guns because they resemble FUN!!!! I'm sorry I let my son watch SpongeBob even though this one time in one episode SpongeBob said Shut up and another time someone maybe say I'll kick your butt. I don't care. My son is a boy and he's going to stay that way. So let the couch jumping, block throwing, truck smashing, naked dancing on the table begin!!!!!!

**Side note to Cheatwoods!!! I love that you take pictures of Josiah smashing the blocks after Jeramy stacks them and I extra love that you have the motto that it is totally okay that your son piles up the couch cushions and then flings himself off of high places on them simply because HE IS A BOY!!!. Thank gosh there are still some people out there who actually believe boys will be boys. You rock Jessica. YOU ROCK!!!

Look at my new toy

Okay everyone check out my fabulous new toy.

If you know me you know I have a few mild obsessions. Shoes! Purses! Oh yeah, my son!! and Cell phone, PDA, QWERTY, thingies!!!! So last week I was watching Tivo'd episodes of the fabulous Rachael Ray show when they had a segment on the new hot things of 2007 and that is when they showed IT. The T-Mobile DASH. I was all ohmygoshlookathat and was immediately online searching for it and then rushing in to show Rob a picture and repeat about 400 times ohhowcute it was. (Side note you should all know Rob has a much worse cell phone gadgity obsession then I do.) Anyway for no reason at all we went to the Bulleys in the mall and somehow stopped off at the Tmobile store and there may or may not have been some serious eyelash batting but either way I ended up walking out of the store with my new DASH. Thats right folks before Christmas. Because I mean I couldn't be bothered to wait until after Christmas and then have to actually call customer service and transfer service and all that stuff you know.

A list of things my fabulous new toy does.

Shows my email right there on the front page
Has Yahoo and AOL messanger right there
Has a full QWERTY
Does not flip, fold or, twirl like previous two damn sidekicks (yes I traded in a perfectly good perfectly well working $300.00 phone for a brand new phone just because it didn't flip)
Has a video camera
Looks way cool almost like Blackberry but not quite so stuffy and businessy
Is shiny and new and no one else has one yet


Learning how to be a friend and not a push over

For most of my life up until high school I considered myself a pretty good friend. I had the standard friend flaws because no ones perfect right? Then I hit high school. One of the first things I noticed is that people found it very offensive that I was a cheerleader. I don't know why but once you got into high school being a cheerleader came with some pretty offensive labels. The problem I had was that it was easier to just emulate those labels instead of trying to fight them.

Along the way I met this friend Shanna. Its funny that I call her a friend because up until freshman year we were actually pretty much enemies. We met in Spanish class and got to talking about how we had slept with some of the same guys. Isn't that a clever way to become friends. The problem part about meeting Shanna is that I met her at a time where I was kind of low on real friends since I was so busy with all of my plastic pot head friends. (Oddly enough now that I quit drinking I actually miss the weed but I can't wrap my mind about it being okay to get high with a kid.) So in walks this horrible friend. Shanna once flat out told me that she would never try and be someones friend. That if you were going to be her friend you had to try. Being her friend meant being at her beck and call. She almost got enjoyment out of seeing what she could get her friends to do. One of the most obnoxious parts about Shanna is that she had become really close with one of my actual friends Katie. Shanna got it in her head that everyone could be friends with her but no one could be friends unless she was there. So behind Katies back Shanna asked me stop talking to Katie. That was fine. We were out of high school and didn't see each other much anyway and it was just easier to just do what she wanted then to fight with her. Nearly two years passed where Katie and I barely spoke and the whole time Katie never knew. Katie and her are still friends and the other day Katie asked me why I stayed friends with Shanna. I couldn't answer that. Then Katie said that Shanna never did anything mean to her. All I could think of were all the times Shanna had told me to stay away from Katie. The times Shanna got mad when Katie came to me for advice about weddings because I had already been married. The times that she had yelled at both Katie and I because we were being to friendly in front of her. I had to laugh. She considered that being a good friend. I always thought friends wanted you to be happy and be surrounded by as much love as possible. I can't believe that Katie never saw that her so called best friend was sitting on the side lines trying to destroy her support system and deprive her of having full relationships. Even when Katie and her fiance were having problems Shanna was sitting there telling her to leave him so they could party. I just sat there watching this girl be so selfish and trying to destroy lives. It wasn't until I was three months pregnant and Shanna was talking about how she thought she was pregnant and would just have another abortion if so that I realized she and I couldn't be fries anymore. Having Brandon made me realize that I no longer wanted to have people in my life who put drugs up their nose or thought getting wasted every night of the week was a good life. I just wanted to grow up and be normal. That is when I cut Shanna out.

The hardest part of my friendship with Shanna actually came after it ended. Since grade school I had my two best friends Katie and Ginger. Ginger was my life and my rock. All through high school I though things were the same. Yeah I put her on the back burner for Shanna sometimes but I just really thought she understood that no matter what she was my number one. She didn't. About two years after high school Ginger and I were messaging on AOL one day and all the sudden she kind of let loose on me that she had actually been mad at me for years. I was so shocked. I couldn't believe that I had been so blind to what kind of monster Shanna was making me. I couldn't believe all that time I was just letting this happen right in front of my nose. At first I blamed Ginger for not telling me we had problems and then I realized that a real friend would have seen that Ginger was hurting. Luckily after another year or so Ginger actually forgave me and we moved on and got over things. Ironically it was also after Shanna was no longer in my life. I like to think that she thinks of me as a better friend now that Shanna is gone.

Oddly enough letting go of Shanna was actually so much easier then I had feared all of those years. I spent almost 4 years being afraid of what would happen if I quit being Shanna's friend. After all its not like you can actually walk up to someone and say "Hey I don't want to be your friend anymore." Ha I even tried at one point to tell her I didn't want her in my wedding but she just talked me out of it and then got me drunk and tried to convince me as to why she should be my maid of honor instead of my cousin. I think towards the end she could tell I really wasn't there anymore. She came to my baby shower and I barely spoke to her. When she showed up at the hospital I was astonished. I really had no clue what she was doing there. The last time I spoke to her was on Katie's wedding day October 1st 2005. I said only what I needed to say and nothing more. I did bump into her and Katie once at Bully's in south Reno and I had to laugh because she didn't even know I had moved to this part of town over three months before I had seen her. I maybe said hi but I turned around and left after that.

Now its been over a year since I spoke to her and I've met this new friend Stephanie and my old friend Alli is back and I'm really trying hard to mend things with Ginger. The hardest thing is trying to learn how to be their friend with out trying to be the kind of friend I was to Shanna and with out going back to the shitty friend I was when I was with Shanna. Its hard for me not to try and spoil my friends or buy them things or say yes to everything they say or ask. Its hard to remember that I don't always have to agree with them or like what they like. I guess its just really hard relearning how to be a normal friend when I already spent the last year learning how to just be alone. I had kept my two closest friends but besides that I kind of just shut everyone out and concentrated on my son and husband. That was so much easier then having to worry about whether I was making some one happy or doing the right thing or the things someone else thinks I should be doing. I feel like I only knew how to be a bad friend or I was trying to buy a friendship. Its like I got so caught up in finding someone to be my friend that I didn't even realize that I had two really great ones right there. Maybe I thought ten bad friends was better then two or three really great ones. Sometimes I don't know what to do or say now when I talk to my new friends. I often find myself playing the old Shannon roll and being all gossipy and agreeing with everything. I don't know hopefully I can learn what path is the right one for me before I get myself back into a backwards friendship.

Another thing I need to try and fix is all the bridges I burned. Shanna disliked a lot of people and when Shanna didn't like someone then I couldn't like them. I have hated so many people that could have turned out to be really nice really great people just because they maybe sneezed near Shanna's boyfriend. One of those people works with Stephanie and I have to admit when she told me she worked with this girl (Sara) my first reaction was, "That bitch!" Then I stopped and realized that this poor girl had never actually done a single thing wrong to either Shanna or me and we tormented her for no reason. I feel horrible now thinking of all the people I was rude to for no reason at all. Someday I actually think I might go see Sara and just plain say sorry. Just sorry for being a jerk for no reason at all. That isn't who I want to be. I don't want my son to be that way and I definitely don't want him to grow up and hear stories of how mean his mom was because that will just teach him to be like me. I also don't want karma to come back on my son and have him be the one picked on for no reason. So all I can do is go back one by one and say sorry to those who never did a damn thing wrong.


Little boys can be soooo cute....who taught them that

My son has learned a new trick. When he is bad he will run up and give you a kiss. However by far the cutest new trick my son has picked up is when he gives me a hug he pats my back. It is the sweetest most endearing thing I've ever seen or felt. The worstest (yeah yeah not a word) part is when he gets in trouble and I can't even get mad cuz he runs over and hugs me and pats my back. That little shit. Darnit I love him way to much.

Ode to breastfeeding

Okay so first of all I'm not even really quite sure what an ODE is but it sounded cool in the title. I miss breast feeding sooooo much. Here are some of the things that have happened since I quit.

Son developed first cold which wasn't just a cold but turned into a disgusting snotty sinus infection causing him to turn into a cranky, whining, snot filled boy who refused to eat but had tons of poop to shoot at me even though I don't know how he was making it since he-wouldn't-eat-a-thing.

Boobs what boobs. I now have two smallish (well small D's) pancake thingies where my jumbo wumbo's used to be

Period moved from super bad to mega-ultra-screaming-bring-me-the-vicodin-or-I-will-kill-someone-BAD

Son started trying to find random things to suck on to console himself even though he had never sucked on anything since the day he was born (aside from my boob)

Son quit sleeping and when he did sleep decided 3/4's of his body had to be touching mine.

I MISS BREASTFEEDING. With the next on I'm just never ever ever gong to stop!!!!!!!


The intended blog will no longer be posted

Last night I was thinking about posting blogs today. I had this wonderful idea of posting a blog declaring my new diet. I was going to go on a diet and it was going to be glamorous and I was considering posting pictures of myself in the process of losing weight. I was watching Rachael Ray this week and they had a goal lady on and she said that we should declare our goals and write them down to make them happen. So I had every intention of coming on here and declaring that I was going to lose 20 pounds. I was going to tell you all the things that I could still eat on my fabulous new self invented diet and I was going to let you all know that I would be going back to the gym. It was all going to be beautiful and you would all encourage me and scold me when I did bad. Then I woke up this morning and started my period. Man those truffles I ate for breakfast sure were good. Maybe I'll think about writing that blog again next Monday when I don't feel like snarfing down the 20 cookies Katie just brought over dunked a container of chocolate frosting and then throwing back a whole bottle of vicodin while karate chopping my husband because he looked at me wrong. Going to the gym this week. HA ya right. Maybe if you want me to walk around randomly kicking people in the shin for being shiny happy skinny people who aren't on their period. So like I said maybe I will write that blog on Monday maybe not. Wouldn't you like it if I did. Ha right now you can all suck a duck. (Just kidding blog fans please don't leave but man do I feel like shit and I don't like anyone who doesn't feel like shit right now so yeah....suck a duck)


The question of faith

Sooooooooooooo. Ya. I'm not so clear on this whole religion thing. For a long time I was Catholic which actually just meant that I checked the Catholic box on questioneers and I was baptized. Then for a long time I just decided that I didn't want to believe in religion. My theory was basically who created God? As soon as someone could tell me who exactly created God then I would be fine. I kind of became a big jerk about it and just really didn't want to bother with it. I think it was more because the religious people in my life weren't just religious they were shoving their religion down my throat and looking down on me for not following it. When I met my husband he let me know that although he didn't practice religion he did believe in God and that was important to him. My mom went through a lot of different religions before deciding she didn't want a religion at all and she was kind of a jerk about that also. A few months or weeks before I got pregnant I tried out that whole praying thing. I prayed for a baby. Then I got one. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it was because I prayed. I kept this to myself for a while before mentioning it to my husband and a few other people. Surprisingly the responses I got were mostly good for me for trying it out. I also got a lecture about how I couldn't just pray to ask for things. So I've been toying with the notion of religion and beliefs for a while and I still didn't or don't know where I stand. At Thanksgiving I shocked my entire family by asking if we could say grace before dinner. It wasn't to impress anyone it was just that at that moment it really felt like the right thing to do to just take a second to be thankful.

On to tonight. I was driving home with my mom tonight talking all about how having my son changed me and one of the ways was that I was starting to pray. She basically told me that she didn't believe that it was a good change or a necessary one. I told her what so many thousands of people have been saying to me for years now, "What do I have to lose by saying a prayer?" I said you know I wasn't sure I believed it until I got pregnant after I prayed and she said that I just got pregnant because I did not because I prayed. I was a little irked. The last few nights I've caught myself closing my eyes and praying for my sons safety and happiness and praying that I am around for him. I don't know if I'm doing it right or if anyone is listening but it makes me feel better doing it. I can't honestly say I believe in a religion at all. I know that I would love to believe in angels and I want to believe in prayer. Although I have no clue exactly who I'm praying to I would like to think that someone is listening to me.

I can't say I will ever actually read the bible or pick a real religion. I have no idea what a psalm is or who ezikial or whatnot is. I don't quite understand church I'm not entirely sure why you have to go somewhere to show God you love him. Its just like I don't get using Valentines Day as a reason to say I love you when you should do that every day anyway. All I know is that I finally made this decision for me. I finally made the decision to try out praying. I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong and I only do it when I want to pray for my son or pray that I'm around for him.

So that is my odd little rant for the night. I was just very disturbed that I finally made this important decision and I was kind of shut down. Goodnight all. Oh yeah this doesn't mean though that I will like Christmas music now.


Brandon: A day in the life of a toddler at work with mom.

First I bring some papers to grandma

Then as a reward for doing so good she lets me play with her sticky notes

Then I take off all my clothes and play on my slide

Then since having my clothes of feels so good I take off my diaper and try and run around naked

Then as a joke I bring you a diaper but run when you try and put it on

Then I play with some toys naked

Then I get in trouble for peeing on the floor so they make me wear a diaper again...But they give me Popsicles or gogurt so I don't feel sad

Then I try and hide so they don't catch me trying to see what a black stamp pad taste like

Then I play hide and seek in a box that grandpa made for me

Then I finally pass out playing so mom has to put me in bed

Then I wake up and see how cute I am so I try and take a picture for mom to blog about

Then I make some important phone calls and remind everyone that I'm boss

Then grandma gives me a bowl of cream cheese just to make mom mad and it totally works

And then finally mom takes me home and we start everything all over. Its no wonder mom doesn't get a thing done all day at work

I hate being a pushover

I don't understand myself. Why am I such a pushover. Today a family member really really pissed me off and instead of just telling her to stop what she was doing I said it was fine. Here is the story. I have this family member who somehow always seems to do the exact same thing as me, usually after me and then somehow the rest of the family asks why it is I copy her so much. It drives me insane. So with Christmas around the corner and most of the family deciding they were going to bake I went through great pains to keep quite what I was making this year so no one could copy me. This person told me in advance what they were making so I was 100% sure what I made wouldn't be even sort of the same. Suddenly today she informs me she is making the exact same thing as me. I found the idea on a favorite website of mine and I guess it is my own damn fault that I said I found my idea from that place. She was all "O I never would have thought to look there for recipes" and I knew I was screwed. I just kept hoping maybe she wouldn't pick what I did but as always she did. Now I'm going to hear that I copied her and then I'll hear that she probably did it better. So why didn't I just say don't make that? She has told me plenty of times what not to do. But still I'm so nice I just said fine whatever I'll deal with it. I am furious. I am so tired of being one upped or copied. Its every little thing. Hair styles, house decorating and so on. It gets so old. I know people say that its the sincerest form of flattery but I'm just over it.


How my son made me cry last night

Brandon has never been big on sucking on things. He used a pacifier maybe 4 times and drank from a bottle probably less then 10 times. He was always nursed and that was how we both liked it. Lately he has started playing and then just laying down and going to sleep. So last night you can imagine my shock when he laid down next to the Christmas tree and started sucking on the beads that were sewn onto my tree skirt. It was sooo sad. All the sudden I realized that maybe he wasn't ready to be done nursing and now I just feel like a huge jerk. I can't believe that he was looking for that comfort from anyone but me. I didn't know how to feel about it. It wasn't until the middle of the night when he was fussing and practically laying right on top of me to sleep that I realized maybe that is the problem. Maybe his restlessness is due to lack of comfort. I feel so bad now.

Reasons my husband makes me swoon part 2

It is so small but I love when my husband used to put his last name on my stuff when he would take it to work. For example I used to have this little portable radio and he would pack it to work with him since his truck didn't have a stereo in it. This was way before we were married and one day I noticed my stereo said Mateo on it. I giggled and thought it was funny. Then he started taking my coveted Starbucks coffee mugs to work with him. One day I noticed that my favorite mug had MATEO written in his perfect penmanship on the back. I guess I never really thought much about it again until last week when I was drinking coffee and noticed the MATEO written in little letters on my mug. I stopped in my tracks and thought wow thats my name now. Then I realized that little silly things like that would be the things that would get me if I ever lost my husband. Not because its his name but because I can imagine the moment he was in when he wrote on it. I can see him all bundled up in his neon colored work shirt sitting in his work truck. He would pull out the trusty Sharpie he always has in his pocket and ever so carefully spell out the letters of his name. Then I can see him putting back the Sharpie and going back to his hard day at work. Something that small would surely send me reeling if he was ever gone. The odd thing is now even though he isn't gone it still gets me when I see it. I never remember which mug its on before I grab it. I don't even think about it at all until its sitting there on my desk and that tiny little MATEO looks at me. Thats when I think of everything he does at work all day for us. That little name has such a huge meaning for me. He gets up so early and works in bad weather all day just to make life easy for me and my son. I can't wait till I come across more silly little things he has labeled. But for now this silly little coffee mug totally eases the craziness in my heart today.


Why I want to pelt my Rite Aid pharmacist with oranges

Brandon has a sinus infection. Actually Brandon has had a sinus infection for over two weeks now but everyone thought I was crazy. The biggest sign I guess was that he has had the worst stink mouth ever. I actually called his doctor last week and asked the nurse about this and she informed me that it was probably because he had something stuck up his nose. The following are her instructions!
Put saline drops up his nose. Wait a second then plug one side of his nose and blow hard in his mouth till air comes out the other side of his nose. Repeat on other side and see if anything pops out.
So I do this. First of all can any of you moms imagine actually trying to do this to your child with out getting, punched, kicked and bitten in that order? The stink went away for a couple days and came back. So after two and a half weeks of whining, crying , super annoying baby I decide we are going to visit the doctor. He takes one look at Brandons nose and throat and says DUH SINUS INFECTION. Then he says...

"THE STINKY MOUTH SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FIRST SIGN!" WHAT!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me I called your nurse and told her that. At this point he must have wanted me to bomb his whole entire office then rebuild it and bomb it again. Oh wait he then threw in that Brandon has two molars coming in and that might also be a source of some of the fussiness. NO SHIT SHERLOCK, YOU DON'T SAY.

So he finally prescribes us some amoxicillin and says to also give Brandon Motrin and Orajel as needed. Oh guess what he even told me the correct dosage of Motrin so rather then under dosing my son and wondering why on earth THE-FUCKING-MOTRIN-WORKS-FOR-EVERY-KID-BUT-MINE I can finally give it to him and watch it work. The doctor sends me off with a prescription for, fluoride, the amoxicillin and some more epi pens. I joyously run off to Rite Aid to fill the prescriptions and am told she can't read the doctors writing she will call him and call me later. Fine whatever whore. Sorry but at this point I'm a little irritated. Finally stupid Rite Aid lady calls and says I can come pick up all of my goodies. I go and the the pharmacist informs the that its all mixed up and ready to go. WHAT!!!! I don't even get to choose a flavor? NOOOOOOOOO he makes my sons medicing ORANGE flavor. ORANGE people. My son hates orange. Now in order to get my son who usually delights in taking his berry flavor motrin and Mylecon and his peach flavor flouirde refuses to take his medicine. This means I have to use one arm to hold his legs one arm to hold his arms, one hand to hold his head one hand to pry open his mouth and grab the medicine dropper out of my own mouth and try to get it all in before he over powers me and wiggles away. This leaves me and my son covered in milky white medicine and half of it still in the dropper. I end up having to try and pry open even the side of his mouth and squirt it in as fast as I can. The other night I was so desperate I even tried mixing in some strawberry milk powder. No tricking this kid. He took off running and tried to hide from me. A few minutes ago when I tried to give it to him he sat down on his little truck and tried rolling away from me.

Fart fart fart fart.

I'm married. Duh you know that right, of course you do. One thing I didn't know about marriage was the constant little battles over hilarious things I would have every day. This weekend was the battle of the fart. First let me tell you something my husband said to me one day, "The grossest thing a girl could do in front of me is fart." So to this day I have never farted in front of my husband. Thats not true, I did it once on a walk and said excuse me and he said that I should have pretended like it was my shoe squeaking and not admit it. Anyway this being said Mr. Don't Fart in Front of Me farts in front of me about 20 times a day. After a while it gets a little obnoxious. Now I understand he has to do this but I've tried to implement rules. Such as:
No farting in:
The kitchen, dining room, bed or when I'm trapped in the car.
Rob however thinks I am being extremely mean by limiting the places he can suffocate me with gas. I always tell him that one of these days I'm just going to fart right back but I think we both know I'm not brave enough to do this at all. I need to come up with something equally annoying I can do to him. I mean really am I being that big of a brat asking him to not fart at the dining room table. Or like yesterday. We are driving and he farts not once not twice but four times while I'm trapped in the car. To make things worse its too cold outside so I can't roll down the window. So what does he do? He pulls out a can of aerosol spray and fumigates the entire inside of the car so now I'm choking on vanilla and fart smell.

So to all of my married friends, aside from know I soooo shouldn't have posted a blog about my husbands flatulence what is a girl to do? Do I just suck it up and let out a big one in front of him? And if I do what if it smells and the rest of our lives every time he looks at me he remembers that time I farted? I really can't come up with anything else to do besides implement some sort of punishment for farting in off limit areas. What kind of punishment can I even implement? No chicken for a week if you fart in my kitchen? Hmmm that might just work.

Why Can't husbands realize that sometimes moms are very bored? ? ?

As you know from reading this blog I watch the movie Incredibles A LOT. Well once you have seen something about 48 times you begin looking for hidden messages in the movie. So I start concentrating really hard on Syndromes hair and all the sudden I figure it all out. I'm so happy and I wait for Rob to get home.

Shannon: Babe guess what I figured out

Rob: Huh

Shannon: That Syndromes hair sticks up all funny from static electricity because he is all into electricity

Rob: No its probably just a cool hairstyle

Shannon: (gives super duper evil eyes) why babe, why can't it just be that i'm right, I have spent all day staring at this guy can't I just be right please

Rob: Yes dear I"m sure it is all because of the electricity.



Okay so what do I do in this situation. My husbands friend who is married to my friend was out being really dumb and saying inappropriate things to women. My husband has forbidden me to tell my friend but I think she deserves to know because they are already having some problems. What do I do? Do I piss of my husband and stick up for my friend or do I screw my friend and let her stay somewhere bad?

And that is a WHAT exactly? ?

Isn't it funny how kids manage to find every single piece of forgotten discarded petrified food ever lost. Today Brandon found what I think is either a french fry or a piece of string cheese. I say THINK because I'm not quite sure. All I know is he found it hiding under his slide and after squishing it a few times he went to put it in his mouth. I took it away so he did the most logical thing he could. He went running around the office in search of something else gross to eat. He succeeded. He found what at first i thought was an old tomato. NOPE in fact it was a brown carrot. The carrot was brown because yesterday Brandon was rolling it around on the floor and then licking it (I was not present for this I only heard about it, I would have crapped myself at the utter grossness of it.) I made him give up the carrot and he stomped away in anger and went and threw all of his toy buckets of their toy shelf in protest. SIGH!


Working mom = %#$@

Man. Let me tell you. I am a full time working mom. I have the so called luxury of bringing my son to work. Although I'm sure most of you would think this is great. It was. Until he could walk. Then after he could walk it was horrible. He refiles all of my papers, shreds things with out using a shredder, clear my desk in 2 seconds flat and so on. That isn't even what drives me nuts about work. What bugs me the most are the little things.
Good morning Weakland's Heating & Air Shannon Speaking.
Hi (insert assenine name here) Shelia, shelly, jenna, janna, sharon, and so on.
Other example.
Shannon come here. So I run into the other office. "Can you get this phone number for me?" I could have sworn that the person asking me this was sitting right in front of their very own computer with all necessary numbers in it.
Next example
I have a girl in my office whose job is to file all the invoices I give her which I post at least ever two days. She also makes out the bank deposit and staples together purchases so I can post them and give them to her to file with the invoices. Daily she complains. She gets mad if I post invoices every day because then her box is never empty. So I begin posting every 3 days and she flips out that now I'm causing her to get backed up and can I please post daily. I go back to posting daily and yesterday she had the nerve to yell at me because I didn't post until noon since I was doing other things. So I end up having to take the invoices out of her box and putting them in a pile on my desk so that she can as she says "look at an empty box on her desk for a day and feel relaxed"! ! ! ! ! ! ! EXCUSE ME. It makes me nuts. I can't win people. Then as if this isn't bad enough she says that I need to put chocolate on top of the invoices to make her less annoyed when I do give them to her.
Yet another example of why I hate stupid ass employees
I love when people are part time. They choose their schedule. They decide they only want to work two days a week and be lazy. But then they whine and complain and cry that they are broke. WELL there are 5 days of work here for you but you choose to do three. This isn't my problem people. Shut up! Gosh if you don't want to work DON'T but don't come to work and complain about not working.
Sorry just needed to do a little venting there. I can't type much I'm at work and today is that girls day off so I need to rush to do as much as I can and make sure all of her boxes are full for Monday so she doesn't yell that I set her back. Although I'm sure that she will yell that I put to much in her boxes. So maybe I should just color pictures and pretend to work.

Exactly how many "my baby is so big now, woe is me" posts can one mom post?

This will be my 307th post about how big my little boy is now. I was sitting at work doing something on the computer when this pops up in the background on my screen.

Mannnnnnnn. Now I have to get all sad and think of how little my baby IS NOT and this makes me open up my iPhoto and I come up with all of these. Geeeeeze
First Bath

First day home

Second day home

Looking cute

Deep thought about being on his belly

Again being cute


heart meltiness


P.S. No one tell my husband I posted pictures of him in nothing but his work thermals. Tee hee bad wifey!!!! Shhhhhhhhh

You spin me right round Brandon right round

yeah this is my kid spinning himself in circles until he falls and cracks his head on the table letting out a noise I'm not entirely sure he has made before.

Mushy mush




Brandon has learned to jump off things. The pictures are slightly blurry because I had it set in continuous so I could catch him.
First he climbs up one side of the couch and jumps onto it.

After this he runs to the other side of the couch and psyches himself up to jump off.

Then he jumps off and starts over.

Please notice the Incredible's on the TV in the background.

Theme song