Regret? ? ?

Last night I was driving home from a night out with a friend. I can't remember exactly what we were talking about when out of nowhere she asked me if I regretted getting married. HUH? I immediately answered NO. Of course I didn't. But as we drove on I pondered her question. I felt that I needed to answer her question better. You see my friend is still single. She can still play the game and enjoy flirtations with guys. I explained to her that I think that more then anything I simply miss being desired. I miss going to a bar and having a guy offer me a drink. I told her how I had told my husband this certain song reminded me of an old flame Kylen. Kylen and I met my freshman year. We started out as friends with benefits and a few times in the years that passed he would ask me if I wanted anything more serious and I always declined. Years later I understood that he regretted not making an effort to be more serious with me. The thing about Kylen is that he is gorgeous. He was voted most irresistible. All the girls wanted him and I had him. I always felt so proud when people knew that I was messing around with him. Every time I hear this song I think of how I was once desired by the most desirable guy in School. I miss that. I miss knowing that I can bat my eyes and have guys turn to mush around me. BUT would I give up my marriage and my son to go back to being that person? NO. I put that song on my I pod and I take it to the gym with me now. When it comes on it reminds me why I'm there. It reminds me that I want to look so good that even my own husband will swoon when I bat my eyelashes or look at him from across the room. The thought of regretting my marriage was jarring to me. Of course I didn't. When I came home that night I bent down to kiss my husband goodnight and I could smell his skin on his neck as I kissed him. It smelled so good that I lingered and kissed him a few more times. I thought to myself how I would never change that. I would never give up having someone whose smell was so familiar and yet so exciting at the same time. No matter how bad I miss the game and I miss being desired I would never take that life over mine. Every girl wants to be beautiful and we all want to be looked at and swooned over. Can I have that while being married? Sure. Of course. Because the truth is when you go somewhere and a guy checks you out it makes your whole day. Chances are you'll be so happy that your husband may even see the benefits from that. But give up the delicious smell of my husbands neck for it, no way. I guess that we all need to know the line between flirtation and forbidden. I asked my husband the other day if he was still attracted to me or if he was still here simply because he loved me. He kind of laughed at me and explained that you wouldn't stay married to a person you weren't attracted to. In my head I thought how wrong that was. I know people who stay somewhere because they are comfortable or because they are afraid of trying to find someone better. Or worse afraid that they will never find someone again at all. After last night I was left to wonder, do people really regret their marriages so early on? I know a friend whose husband once said numerous times in one night that they had gotten married to young. They are now getting divorced. Did I do the same thing. Had I gotten married to young? Or is it simply that they wouldn't have worked out no matter when they were married? I can't imagine having waited until I was older to have what I have now. Why on earth would anyone rather be out sleeping around and jumping from guy to guy when they could have someone to come home to every night? I can't imagine not knowing someone so well that I would recognize his smell with my eyes closed. I can't imagine that people would rather play the game then have someone to come home to and play games with. Do we all have my kind of marriage? I have someone familiar. We always know what the other one will say with out saying it. How cliche right? But it is true. I can't even think of how many times I will just change the look on my face and my husband will say don't even say it I already know what your thinking. He is always right to. Is every marriage that way. Do you all read each others minds? What about the other things. My husband knows what I would order off almost any menu. He knows my shoe size when we go bowling. He knows that I get excited by the small stuff. He knows I want a picture of everything and remembers the camera when I forget it. He knows that I like splenda in my tea and I hate when they give me lemon. He knows I make a silly smile when he holds my hand in public so he watches me each time he does it. He knows that desert is my favorite part of a meal and he doesn't criticize me for it. He knows that I love restaurant ranch more then store ranch. He knows that I talk in my sleep and I fight back with him when he tells me I'm talking in my sleep. He knows what day I start my period and what day before that he should start to avoid me. Does every husband know these things or did I just luck out with mine. I began to wonder if my friend were in a relationship would she still have asked me if I regretted getting married. Or would she have been in the kind of relationship that a person might regret. I know most people get married and tell themselves its forever but I really feel that way. I really imagine my whole life with the guy I married. I imagine being 80 and still holding hands. I can't say we don't fight. And I can't even say that I haven't had days where I thought I just wanted to end it all. But if I never had a day where I wanted to end it I would never have a day where I realized why I never wanted it to end. So I put this out there for all of my married friends. Instead of asking you if you regret your marriage I want you to think of all of the reasons you don't. Make a list of them in your head and then tuck it away. Then, next time you have a fight and you begin to question your choices pull that list out and remember. Remember its always best to concentrate on the good rather then the bad. Its better to put effort into thinking happy thoughts then to put no effort into being mad. Every time my husband and I fight after I finish thinking it could be the end I think of everything I would miss. That list is huge. And its the small stuff in that list that is more important. Small stuff like the smell of his neck when I kiss him goodnight at night. Do I regret getting married? NO WAY.

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