Evil Wal*Mart

Who know a trip to Walmart could end with my cousin and I laughing so hard we nearly pissed ourselves (okay maybe I let out a drop or so but I would never admit it, wait did I just admit it? Shit, oh well I continue.) Yesterday my cousin and I decided to take a trip around Reno. What I mean when I say this is we were bored and broke and just drove from store to store dicking around and window shopping. We went to the NEW mall and saw a bajillion baby things that we felt like we must have but couldn't afford. Then we got irritated and left there after dragging her daughter away from the shoe department promising her we would go somewhere with shoes we might actually be able to afford and that she could actually wear out. We finally left the land of Coach, Baby Gap, Dillards and so on and arrived at Babies R Us. We wanm,/;'
lked around and around that damn store finding what we were actually looking for the first moment we walked in (A Christmas Dress for her daughter.) Although we came what we looked for we continued we continued wandering looking at this or that and commenting on what we would like if we had another kid. By we I mean me. I wanted this for my future little girl I'm never going to have (husbands genetics will prevent me from having a girl) and I want that for the future little girl I'll never have. I was floating in a cloud of pink and patent leather shiny shoes. It was so not me. We played in the toy isle and wandered to furniture where I purchased a little step stool to help my son climb into my bed with me since that is where he still sleeps (SHUT UP RIGHT NOW I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.)

Wait didn't this blog start off about Walmart?

So we finished up fairly late at Babies R Us and while walking to our cars we discovered neither of us really felt like going home and ending our mommy baby bonding trip (wow I just sounded so ridiculous.) We look next door. Well more like across the parking lot, and see WALMART. Yesssssss! ! ! ! Lets go there. After all I needed about 15 things off my grocery list and she needed 2 things, dog food and diapers. We decide we will just leave our car where it is and walk like healthy people to Walmart. For those of you who know where this is going I hate you for knowing and not telling me.

We get to Walmart and spend no less then an hour and a half piling my shopping cart with a big bunch of shit. Wait I have my receipt in my car. Okay so I piled my cart with 42 things rather then the barely 15 I needed. 3 of those things were opened because my son realized he was starving half way through the trip. My cousin had maybe 10 things instead of her two. However she did have the biggest bag of dog food I've ever seen I'm guessing about 60lbs with a bonus 5 lbs for the hell of it. We spent about 5 hours waiting in the check out line and were finally on our way. FREEDOM yessss. So we were walking back to our cars and were crossing this little crossing area when my cart got stuck on something. I did what any normal person would do, I shoved it harder. I then verbalized "Why isn't my cart moving?" My cousin thinks about it and says wait I'm stuck too. Again being totally in control of our emotions we did the smart thing. We started pushing and shoving extra hard.

Lets recap. We have me with my son in the cart with gummies stuck all over his fingers, a cart very full with needless junk and I have to pee because its dark and I always have to pee in the dark. Then we have my cousin, with her daughter in her new shoes and an 800 pound bag of dog food and a super deluxe size box of diapers with some other junk. All of this and we are pushing, tugging and shoving our carts to try and get them unstuck from the invisible thing we seem to be stuck on. After a few moments of looking like complete assholes we noticed that there were about 4 sets of bright yellow lines painted across the road, each about 5 feet from the next with little black shopping cars on them. Oh ya there may have been a strike through said shopping cart signs. Hmmmmmm. I GOT IT. Walmart doesn't want us removing their carts so when we crossed the little yellow line this giant magnet drops off and shuts down your wheels. Here comes the amazing part. Even after realizing what we have done wrong and why the cart isn't moving we still don't give up. Our cars are still across the parking lot. So we proceed to push and shove. We try maybe balancing the cart on the front two wheels, the side wheels, the back wheels and so on. We try just plane dragging the carts and try pushing and shoving again. We are laughing so hard we had to hold on to our cart to keep from falling in a fit of giggles on the asphalt. We pause and look around sure that at any moment someone is going to jump out with a camera and declare that we are on some new MTV joke show. Perhaps we've been Punked. Nope no cameras no show no flashy lights. Damn. Finally this lady shows up and gives an super dirty look from her car and says that what we should do is have one person stay behind and watch the cart while the other runs and gets their car and so on. After glaring at us for about 5 minutes she says she learned the hard way the the carts won't move. WAIT WHAT. You are sitting here giving me dirty looks and being a huge jerk to me when you have done this yourself. Wow I had a few obscene words flying through my head.

Finally I unbuckle my son, grab him and take off running for my car. I get him drive over guard my cousins cart while she grabs her daughter and takes off running for her car. We pack up our stuff and are finally on our way. I can't believe no one told me that you can't remove the carts from within a certain radius of the Walmart parking lot. They should put up some kind of sign for all the moms walking from the baby store letting us know that we should get in our cars, drive over to Walmart and repark all because Walmart is to shallow to let us move their carts an extra 60 feet. ASSHOLES. Thanks for nothing. In the end it seems we at least gave the guy who watches the video footage of the parking lot a good chuckle.

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