Brandon has never been big on sucking on things. He used a pacifier maybe 4 times and drank from a bottle probably less then 10 times. He was always nursed and that was how we both liked it. Lately he has started playing and then just laying down and going to sleep. So last night you can imagine my shock when he laid down next to the Christmas tree and started sucking on the beads that were sewn onto my tree skirt. It was sooo sad. All the sudden I realized that maybe he wasn't ready to be done nursing and now I just feel like a huge jerk. I can't believe that he was looking for that comfort from anyone but me. I didn't know how to feel about it. It wasn't until the middle of the night when he was fussing and practically laying right on top of me to sleep that I realized maybe that is the problem. Maybe his restlessness is due to lack of comfort. I feel so bad now.
It is so small but I love when my husband used to put his last name on my stuff when he would take it to work. For example I used to have this little portable radio and he would pack it to work with him since his truck didn't have a stereo in it. This was way before we were married and one day I noticed my stereo said Mateo on it. I giggled and thought it was funny. Then he started taking my coveted Starbucks coffee mugs to work with him. One day I noticed that my favorite mug had MATEO written in his perfect penmanship on the back. I guess I never really thought much about it again until last week when I was drinking coffee and noticed the MATEO written in little letters on my mug. I stopped in my tracks and thought wow thats my name now. Then I realized that little silly things like that would be the things that would get me if I ever lost my husband. Not because its his name but because I can imagine the moment he was in when he wrote on it. I can see him all bundled up in his neon colored work shirt sitting in his work truck. He would pull out the trusty Sharpie he always has in his pocket and ever so carefully spell out the letters of his name. Then I can see him putting back the Sharpie and going back to his hard day at work. Something that small would surely send me reeling if he was ever gone. The odd thing is now even though he isn't gone it still gets me when I see it. I never remember which mug its on before I grab it. I don't even think about it at all until its sitting there on my desk and that tiny little MATEO looks at me. Thats when I think of everything he does at work all day for us. That little name has such a huge meaning for me. He gets up so early and works in bad weather all day just to make life easy for me and my son. I can't wait till I come across more silly little things he has labeled. But for now this silly little coffee mug totally eases the craziness in my heart today.
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 9:10 AM