The question of faith

Sooooooooooooo. Ya. I'm not so clear on this whole religion thing. For a long time I was Catholic which actually just meant that I checked the Catholic box on questioneers and I was baptized. Then for a long time I just decided that I didn't want to believe in religion. My theory was basically who created God? As soon as someone could tell me who exactly created God then I would be fine. I kind of became a big jerk about it and just really didn't want to bother with it. I think it was more because the religious people in my life weren't just religious they were shoving their religion down my throat and looking down on me for not following it. When I met my husband he let me know that although he didn't practice religion he did believe in God and that was important to him. My mom went through a lot of different religions before deciding she didn't want a religion at all and she was kind of a jerk about that also. A few months or weeks before I got pregnant I tried out that whole praying thing. I prayed for a baby. Then I got one. I couldn't help thinking that maybe it was because I prayed. I kept this to myself for a while before mentioning it to my husband and a few other people. Surprisingly the responses I got were mostly good for me for trying it out. I also got a lecture about how I couldn't just pray to ask for things. So I've been toying with the notion of religion and beliefs for a while and I still didn't or don't know where I stand. At Thanksgiving I shocked my entire family by asking if we could say grace before dinner. It wasn't to impress anyone it was just that at that moment it really felt like the right thing to do to just take a second to be thankful.

On to tonight. I was driving home with my mom tonight talking all about how having my son changed me and one of the ways was that I was starting to pray. She basically told me that she didn't believe that it was a good change or a necessary one. I told her what so many thousands of people have been saying to me for years now, "What do I have to lose by saying a prayer?" I said you know I wasn't sure I believed it until I got pregnant after I prayed and she said that I just got pregnant because I did not because I prayed. I was a little irked. The last few nights I've caught myself closing my eyes and praying for my sons safety and happiness and praying that I am around for him. I don't know if I'm doing it right or if anyone is listening but it makes me feel better doing it. I can't honestly say I believe in a religion at all. I know that I would love to believe in angels and I want to believe in prayer. Although I have no clue exactly who I'm praying to I would like to think that someone is listening to me.

I can't say I will ever actually read the bible or pick a real religion. I have no idea what a psalm is or who ezikial or whatnot is. I don't quite understand church I'm not entirely sure why you have to go somewhere to show God you love him. Its just like I don't get using Valentines Day as a reason to say I love you when you should do that every day anyway. All I know is that I finally made this decision for me. I finally made the decision to try out praying. I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong and I only do it when I want to pray for my son or pray that I'm around for him.

So that is my odd little rant for the night. I was just very disturbed that I finally made this important decision and I was kind of shut down. Goodnight all. Oh yeah this doesn't mean though that I will like Christmas music now.

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