My friend Alli just moved back from Vegas. Alli has two kids. I believe they are ages 6 and 5 but don't quote me on that. She had these kids way before I thought of having kids and back when I was all,
"You don't have to be a parent to know how to parent." (Yes I was this ignorant)
So I made all kinds of comments on her parenting, like how I couldn't understand how in 5 years she has only spent like one night away (I still don't get it.)
Or how she has made it 5 yeas without really having a job (are you kidding me, I need to work even if I take him I NEED TO WORK.)
Or how sometimes kids have to get hurt and get dirty (DUH)
Or comments to other moms about how babies or toddler SO SHOULD NEVER SLEEP IN BED WITH THEIR PARENTS!!! EVER!!
I've made these sorts of comments to all of my friends with kids. Then I had a kid and when I made the decision to let my son sleep in my bed the first thing I did was apologize to people and say you know I didn't have a kid I didn't know any better. MOST (i.e. all but one) of my friends totally understood and giggled at me for being the dumbshit knowitall friend who was now smitten with her kid. Then there was that one. Alli. She found ever second of a chance to remind me "I remember when you said this", "I remember when you judged me for that!" Ya whatever shut up I said sorry already.
Back to the damn playdate thingy. Actually it was just the Alli had locked herself out of her house and needed to come over with the kids for a while until she could get in. The time went something like this.
Me: Sorry he has picked up a few choice words (i.e. Oh fuck and Oh shit)
Alli: O it's okay, MY KIDS KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG
Me thinking: Well fuck you very much (wasn't your son the one walking around saying shit just back in August?? Hmmm? HMMMM?)
Me (as Brandon dances on the coffee table): Gosh my kid is probably a bad influence
Alli: O no my kids would never do something like that, they know what to do and what not to do!
Me thinking: Well aren't you some super special fucking super mom
Alli: You know if you ever want me to baby sit I can
Me: Ya maybe in a while he isn't really so good with the leaving me to hang out with people he doesn't know yet thing.
Alli: Well you have to do it sometime you know so he doesn't end up all clingy
Me: I know, when we are both ready.
Alli: Well you know this is WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. You need to bring him over for 15 minutes and then 30 mintues and then an hour and each time he will scream for a while or the whole time but he will get used to me.
Me thinking: Because I just have 15 minutes to drop my kid of at your house while I sit on the porch listening to him scream for no fucking reason when we could be playing happily at the park.
Alli: It's hard I know, BUT! DON'T! WORRY! I'M! NOT! JUDGING! YOU! AT! ALL!!!
Me thinking: What the fuck I never thought you were judging me till you just brought it up and even if you are who the fuck cares I'm not like you I don't care if you think I'm doing it wrong, I'm the mom, not you, he's mine, not yours, no I don't have to leave him anywhere and force him to scream if I'm just not ready. I don't need to leave him with someone just so he can grow up and think his mom didn't love him or get hurt and remember that one time his mommy wasn't there when he got hurt.
Alli: Don't worry you'll be fine but you have to do it
Me thinking: Blah blah I'm Alli I have more kids then you I'm a know it all, I am going to over advise you the way you spat out your advice before, Blah blah...get out of my house play date over.
Later Chase (her son) and Brandon were playing and Chase was building blocks. Well my son seriously has something against blocks being stacked in any kind of orderly fashion and immediately rushes over to bash his fist through the blocks and then swoosh his hand back and forth over the top to make sure no block was left neatly stacked anywhere near another block. Chase starts getting all sad and boohoo so Alli called him over and whispered (but not really a whisper)
"Chase he's just a baby and he doesn't know any better so don't get mad at him that he knocked them over, he just doesn't understand that you are building stuff and that he needs to let you play with the toys."
WHAT I HEARD
"Chase he is just a baby whose mom hasn't taught him yet that you don't touch toys when other kids are playing with them, and he obviously doesn't know right from wrong, and don't get mad because it isn't his fault his mom lets him get away with things I would never ever let my precious angels do!!!!!!"
Am I just out of my mind or what people. Please don't come to my house and spew your I'm not judging you bullshit when you are clearly judging me because I don't want to stifle my sons creative side. So what if he climbs on the coffee table and dances. He is happy when he is up there. And so what if he knocks over blocks. I once remember Alli telling me that it was okay that her son at a Kit Kat sideways because it was his way of showing his creativity and that he was different. Okay so Brandon knocking over blocks is just him being creative and seeing outside the box. I am proud that my son doesn't look at blocks and think they have to be neatly lined up or stacked. My son crashes and smashes like a boy!!!! Thats right a BOY not a sissy la la!! I'm sorry I'm not one of those moms whose all "Don't take the cushions off the couch and then jump off the coffee table on them missing the glass ledge of the TV stand by a millimeter." Or I'm not like "Couches are meant for sitting not for walking, jumping or playing or fort building."
I am the mom of a BOY! A creative boy. A boy who will be a boy and run and jump and bump and bruise and HiYA and Karate chop and kerpow and blasto. My son can play cowboys and Indians with his toy gun and I'm sorry I don't care if it looks like a real cowboy gun and I'm sorry if I'm teaching him its okay to play cowboys and Indians rather then taking away all toy guns because they resemble FUN!!!! I'm sorry I let my son watch SpongeBob even though this one time in one episode SpongeBob said Shut up and another time someone maybe say I'll kick your butt. I don't care. My son is a boy and he's going to stay that way. So let the couch jumping, block throwing, truck smashing, naked dancing on the table begin!!!!!!
**Side note to Cheatwoods!!! I love that you take pictures of Josiah smashing the blocks after Jeramy stacks them and I extra love that you have the motto that it is totally okay that your son piles up the couch cushions and then flings himself off of high places on them simply because HE IS A BOY!!!. Thank gosh there are still some people out there who actually believe boys will be boys. You rock Jessica. YOU ROCK!!!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:55 AM
Okay everyone check out my fabulous new toy.
If you know me you know I have a few mild obsessions. Shoes! Purses! Oh yeah, my son!! and Cell phone, PDA, QWERTY, thingies!!!! So last week I was watching Tivo'd episodes of the fabulous Rachael Ray show when they had a segment on the new hot things of 2007 and that is when they showed IT. The T-Mobile DASH. I was all ohmygoshlookathat and was immediately online searching for it and then rushing in to show Rob a picture and repeat about 400 times ohhowcute it was. (Side note you should all know Rob has a much worse cell phone gadgity obsession then I do.) Anyway for no reason at all we went to the Bulleys in the mall and somehow stopped off at the Tmobile store and there may or may not have been some serious eyelash batting but either way I ended up walking out of the store with my new DASH. Thats right folks before Christmas. Because I mean I couldn't be bothered to wait until after Christmas and then have to actually call customer service and transfer service and all that stuff you know.
A list of things my fabulous new toy does.
Shows my email right there on the front page
Has Yahoo and AOL messanger right there
Has a full QWERTY
Does not flip, fold or, twirl like previous two damn sidekicks (yes I traded in a perfectly good perfectly well working $300.00 phone for a brand new phone just because it didn't flip)
Has a video camera
Looks way cool almost like Blackberry but not quite so stuffy and businessy
Is shiny and new and no one else has one yet
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:47 AM