1.31.2007

TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW

I GET TO WEIGH IN TOMORROW. O MY FUCK. IS IT TOMORROW YET?

Ahhh Boys


My son ran over to kiss me this morning. This is what I saw.
Look closely. Do you see anything?

How about a little closer. OOoooo now you see it right? He was hell bent on kissing me and then the little booger (yea yea pun intended) tried to wipe it on me. He kept trying to wipe the booger on my neck and then gigglng at himself.

Sigh!

Fun facts...or just a really long list.

I was leaving the gym yesterday and I was thinking this thing I always think when I leave places and decided I would share some fun Shannon facts!

  • I can not reverse! Okay, wait. I can, but not very well and I don't do it often.
  • In the rare occasion I do reverse, I can usually only back up to my left, don't know why it is just that way
  • If I buy fresh baked bread from the store, somehow, one quarter of it never makes it home!
  • I don't eat meat...but I drool over bacon daily
  • I hate math. A! LOT!
  • I need to have coffee every day or...wait......there is no or
  • I am pretty sure chocolate is a necessity and I can't seem to give it up...to date I have never gotten tired of it, even after making truffles three days in a row in my kitchen.
  • I can never make up my mind and I never know what I want until five minutes before I get it
  • Once I know what I want, I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!..No really, Now, why don't I have it already
  • I think MAC Prrrrrr Lipglass is an accessory that every woman needs!
  • It is illegal for you to try and us MY knives in my kitchen. I will probably poke you with my Santuko if you touch them.
  • Wusthof kills Henkle..do not try and argue this with me.
  • Mint tea solves most ailments.
  • So does Vicodin.
  • So does chocolate.
  • Apparently I don't need to sleep in later then 4.
  • My body & brain disagrees though.
  • Taco bell is so very very good and I want some now, and almost always want some...Is Taco Bell Low Calorie..No..well then screw you.
  • It REALLY REALLY!!! Pisses me off when you don't use your FUCKING blinker. I will curse at you and everyone around, This will also include rolling down my window and shouting terrible things to you.
  • No, really, last time this happened I followed the lady to the Starbucks drive thru and shouted that she was a dirty whore and I hoped she wrecked and why can't you just use your fucking blinker!
  • I might have minor anger issues.
  • I get the urge to throw things A LOT! But I don't anymore, because my husband accuses me of being a child.
  • CHILD Whatever I will throw him.
  • If something is broken, WHACK it a few times and it usually works again, or....its broken worse and then you can really whack it.
  • When you break something because you whacked it...never ever ever tell your husband it is broken because you whacked it!
  • A good way to taste cheetos when you are on a diet is feed them to your one year old and then kiss him.
  • I loooooove my zester (microplane) but I never have anything to zest..Boo
  • I can take notes on sticky notes all day long.
  • I love post its. I mean really. I have the tall ones, the small ones, the lined ones, the rectangle, and cubed and heart ones...in fact I heart post its.
  • I can never find the notes I write on post it notes.
  • I often find post its stuck to my shoes.
  • I should write a post it telling me to look on my shoes when I can't find the last post it I wrote.
  • Fish should be banned. Ewww. Yuck. This also goes for all things fish flavored, fish smelling, or anything that grew up near fish i.e. sea weed and well sea weed.
  • Fish is a meat people. When I say I don't eat meat please don't ask..EVEN FISH!
  • Yes even fish dumb ass...I DON'T EAT ANIMALS
  • YES THIS ALSO MEANS CHICKEN SO STOP ASKING THAT. If I ate chicken then I would say I don't eat red meat. I don't say that do I? SO STOP ASKING!
  • I also don't eat sushi. No not even the vegetable rolls. They are wrapped in sea weed. Sea weed taste like fish.
  • No, really it does. Don't argue with me about this. I'm right.
  • I love wusabi. A lot.
  • I love potatoes
  • I love Benihanas.
  • I love tempura anything. Mmmm I would love to try some tempura chocolate. IF you have some of that lying around, send it my way okay.
  • I don't like to return things. I have pants in all the wrong sizes because I don't return things.
  • I don't like to try stuff on, if I like it, I buy it because, I want it NOW and trying it on isn't NOW.
  • It drives me nuts when people don't say Nevada correctly.
  • It makes me more crazy I don't know the proper phonetic sqigglys to put over the A in Nevada to show you how to pronounce it. You prounounce it Nevaaaaaaada like bad like Nebada.
  • When I tell you that you said it wrong don't respond to me Tomato Tomoto Grrrrr that really pisses me off.
  • I love Oprah.
  • I don't love the sad stories on Oprah like the one about the conjoined twins they are about to separate, this story makes me cry even though it has a happy ending.
  • Lately everything makes me cry.
  • No I'm not pregnant...I'm just very emotional right now.
  • Why is it everytime a girl cries a lot or can smell their husbands farts really well they get accused of being pregnant.
  • This list is really long.
  • I'm done writing it now.
  • Have a nice day!
  • USE YOUR BLINKER!

1.30.2007

The one where I talk about cardboard.

Before I went to the hospital to have Brandon they starved me. REALLY! I couldn't eat for something like 12 hours before. Did I mention I had Brandon AT 4:21 PM!!!! I was quite cranky and mean by the time they finally tossed a few crackers my way THE NEXT DAY! The point of my blog. Have you ever noticed how when you are starving the smallest things can seem amazing. The crackers they fed me at the hospital that day, by far BEST CRACKERS EVER! Now I have not eaten them again since my stay in the hospital but I'm pretty sure they would taste very similar to cardboard if I did.

When I was on Atkins my cousin and I went on a mission to find any possible way to cheat on the diet. We scoured health food stores, vitamin stores, and store isles we previously balked at. We found some of the most amazing sugar free treats. Yummy Atkins ice cream, sticky sweet rolls for sandwiches, amazing bread for toast, great pre-cooked chicken for our salads and so on. About a year later, I came across some of this stuff. We tried it again and nearly vomited. Were we so starved that a sugar free mint wafer that taste like cat piss really seemed like a delectable treat to us? Apparently!

Then there was my low fat, whole wheat kick. I made all of these meals I considered amazing at the time. A few months after I had given up that diet I made my favorite diet, pita pizza and nearly starved from the small portion and not to mention the taste. It tasted like cardboard with pizza sauce. I had to giggle. Was I so starved from dieting that I thought a whole wheat pita cut in half would suffice as pizza crust, and plain tomato sauce would be the same as real pizza sauce? I was out of my damn mind.

Now I'm actually enjoying my diet. Everything I make now, I make sure others taste or smell. I want to know that a few months down the road I'm not going to become grossed out by the food I have allowed myself to suffice on. So far I've done pretty good. However, I tried to revisit the sugar free low cal ice cream from my Atkins days and really people, I COULD NOT DO IT. Instead I scoured the ice cream until I came up with a compromise Dreyer's Slow Churn Ice Cream. Only the light version is acceptable, the sugar free, is, after all sugar free. It is nice to finally find something that seems naughty to eat and still has the creamy yummy texture of ice cream while tasting like, well, ICE CREAM. I made this wonderful dinner last night. The good thing is it was full of so much actual flavor that I'm not worried it will get boring to me later. Here is what I had (keep in mind I'm a vegetarian and gluten free):

1/2 Cup white beans (80 calories)
2.5 Cloves of garlic, rough chopped (11 calories)
2 Tbsp yellow onion chopped (8 calories)
1 Corn tortilla wamred (70 calories)
1/4 cup green enchilada sauce (10 calories)
1 Tbsp sour cream (30 calories)
1 Tbsp olives (25 calories)
Handfull shredded lettuce (3 calories)
1/3 tomato diced (16 calories)
Tapatio to taste (about 1 calorie)
TOTAL CALORIES ABOUT 254

Saute onions and garlic for 2 minutes. Toss in white beans and heat until they split. Pour in green sauce until heated. Warm tortilla. Place bean mix on top of tortilla and layer with tomatoes, olives, and lettuce. Top with sour cream and tapatio.

I was stuffed after what seemed like such a small meal. Also I was shocked at how much I enjoyed the white beans in a mexican dish instead of the normal black or red beans I use. It is a very reasonable amount of calories, in fact if you still find yourself hungry you could have a small salad or some rice on the side and still come within the range of normal calories for a meal. I was stuffed after eating this, but it was so so good I was actually sad when it was gone. I have some more for lunch today and I really can't wait to eat it.

So the whole point of this blog was me laughing at how your body can convince yourself that things are good when really its complete rubish....like the time I thought I didn't need sugary cereal and could actually live on plain wheat flakes with splenda....silly silly girl...I need cocoa crispies to live!

1.28.2007

One more reason why I hate eggs

I am baby sitting my friends kids today. They arrived at 7:45 AM and will be staying until 3:00 PM. When they came I asked them what they wanted for breakfast. Knowing that her son is very very very VERY! particular I told him I would make whatever he wanted as long as I had it. He scans my pantry, takes a taste of my fruity cheerios and declares he would like EGGS AND TOAST. I said cool! How do you want your eggs. He informs me he likes them white on top with the yellow runny. I ask his sister and she says she would like scrambled please. They both decide they would also like bacon and toast with grape jelly. Here is how the rest of the conversation goes.

To him: How many eggs do you want?

Him: I would like three. But I want two first and then the third one after those. I would like one piece of bacon and two toasts.

To her: How many eggs do you want?

Her: I would like 8 eggs I'm very hungry

To her: How about we start with two and go from there?

Her: Okay but I love bacon so I want a lot!

To both: Okay I will make 4 bacons and you can each have two and I will make 4 toasts and you can each have two and share them how you like.

Them: Okay great.

Soooo. I cook his first egg and I flip it over so that both sides are cooked but it is still runny. He looks at it and says EWWWWWWW no! He likes his eggs shiny white with a big yellow bump (sunny side up). So I put the banned egg on a plate and put a new one in the plate. I cook it sunny side up and ask him to come look at it. He declares it looks delicious and can't wait to eat it. I scramble her eggs, cook his second egg, put the four eggs total on two plates, with two bacons and two toasts and give them each their prefered flavor of milk.

He looks at the eggs he just declared delicious and says......This yolk looks kind of creepy I won't eat them I want the other kind of egg.

So I take the two eggs put them back in the pan, flip em and he says no. I put them back and break the yolk he says no. He tells me he would really just like to have scrambled like his sister. Sooooo. I break two more eggs...if you are counting I have now made 7 eggs. I put them in the pan and scramble them and he says...
"I WOULD REALLY JUST LIKE MY OTHER EGGS BACK NOW!!!!!"

So I give him his other eggs. Dump the two scrambled ones on the plate with the first banished egg and the bread crust from his bread since he refused crust.

I ask my husband if he wants the eggs and he tells me he is full. Sooo I stare at them. The kids declare they are done eating. This is what I see...

Her plate. All eggs gone, 1 bacon gone and all four (two cut in half) pieces of toast still there with one bite out of two of them.

His plate. The yellow out of the eggs gone, but two pretty much full eggs remain, two pieces of toast (so he ate half of each) and both bacons.

If you are keeping track that means out of 7 eggs, a total of 3 where eaten. Out of 4 bacons, 1 was eaten. Out of 4 pieces of bread, 1 piece was eaten.

There are also two full glasses of milk on my table!

Did I mention I am low on money and the idea of wasting that much food really, really, really PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!

By the way, I made Brandon a full piece of toast....AND HE ATE THE WHOLE THING!

1.27.2007

In an instant


I remember when I was pregnant. I would read all of these books assuring you that it was perfectly normal to not bond with your child right away. The books told you stuff like how important every diaper change and feeding was because in the long run those things would help you bond. I remember reading all of those books thinking to myself, THAT WILL BE ME! I mean really, how can you bond with something when you don't really know how you feel about it when it is living inside of you. My whole pregnancy I didn't understand those women who felt so bonded with the weird alien inside of them. Don't get me wrong I was ULTRA happy to be pregnant and couldn't wait to be a mom I was just very disconnected from the whole thing. If I would have lost the baby I would have been devastated but aside from that happening I don't thing anything could have made me understand the magnitude of what was inside of me. The interesting thing is even if I had another baby I'm not sure I would feel any different about it. I've told you before about how during my pregnancy I was 100% convinced that I was going to love my cat more then my child. I guess for me I don't know how to relate or become attached to something that I can't physically touch. I could see my cat but I couldn't see this weird baby thing. Now I feel exactly the same way. If I got pregnant again, I feel as if I would spend the entire pregnancy telling myself I would love Brandon more then any new baby, because after all, HE is MY LITTLE BRANDON! I guess I would just have to float on the thought that I love Brandon now more then my cat and I'm sure I would love a new baby as much as Brandon.

When Brandon's delivery date got close I started to read up on births and apgars and such and the thing that seemed to stick out the most was how important it was to hear your baby cry right when they came out. So as the date got closer that was all I could think about. Even on the day I was going to the hospital I was still saying how weird that next time we come home we will be parents and not saying, I already know I love this baby. The birth finally came. The doctor gave me the IV, they started my spinal block and he cut me open. Nothing! I was just chilling there like nothing. THEN I heard Brandon cry. I shit you not I started bawling like a little baby and asking a thousand times in a row if that was my baby crying and is he okay, is he okay, is he okay! In a instant I got it. I understood. It was all clear. Suddenly I couldn't understand those women who said they didn't instantly bond with their child. I hadn't even seen him yet, I had only heard him and I knew.

That day when I finally came down off all the drugs I kept telling my husband "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THEN MY CAT, I REALLY REALLY LOVE HIM BABE!" Rob spent the next few days laughing his ass of at me because apparently he knew alllllll along I would feel this way and just let me go about my business thinking I would love my cat more. I remember when Angelina Jolie became pregnant thinking to myself, "Are Hollywood moms the same?" Then I read about how she was the same as me. She was sitting there obsessing over hearing the baby cry. I was actually touched. It was really nice to know that there are actually famous moms out there who have real feelings like I do. I also noticed her always wearing a nursing bra and I was so amazed. I always wondered why famous moms never nursed. This is totally besides the point I just wanted to take a second to point out that there are actually people with tons of money who can have anything they want and they really feel things. I guess it is really nice to know that even people with everything question things too.

So now I sit here wondering what will happen when I have the next baby. Am I really not going to love one more then the other? Am I going to be able to divide my time evenly so that Brandon doesn't feel left out? Am I really going to be able to explain to Brandon that I can't hold him because I'm feeding the new baby, with out Brandon feeling left out? But then I ask myself, self, is the same thing going to happen, are you going to ask your self ten thousand questions and then have a baby and in an instant will it all be clear again?

THEN I ask myself "Shannon, how many blogs are you going to write about this shit?" I mean really now! How many times am I going to ask these fucking questions before I get it through my thick skull that I have no way of knowing until it happens.

So this whole blog really started because I was laying there last night thinking of how much I love my son, and how all it took was one little cry for me to be in the deepest love I've ever felt. So thinking about this made me want to come on and blog about how much things really can change in an instant.

O, and also, can my boobs look any huger in this picture? Holy Shit!

1.25.2007

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

http://www.addictinggames.com/theidiottest.html

Experience

I've been emailing with a male friend of mine today. He is engaged and I am married. That doesn't stop us from flirting up a storm with each other though. It's a safe flirt though. You know every few emails we make sure to mention our significant others to keep it safe. I am amused though at how much he reminds me of me, before I got engaged. I think it is amusing how much I think like a guy. Before I got married, I really wanted to run away. REALLY! Like up until about 15 hours before the wedding I wasn't even sure I would show up. The night before our wedding at our rehearsal dinner he walked me to my car and proceeded to say exactly what I needed to hear at that second. Right then and there I knew I was making the right decision. I knew that since he knew that I was scared without me even telling him, and he knew the perfect thing to say, that this was right.

My friend is going through the same thing right now. We have been talking about temptation and him being afraid that he would give in. I had to explain to him that if you avoid the situation all together you will never know how you might have acted and maybe knowing is exactly what he needs. Sometimes situations present themselves for the sole purpose of helping us find ourselves. What may seem so bad at the time may really turn out to be the best mistake of your life. I have friends now who are married and they are so unhappy. They tell me daily they wish they hadn't have gotten married. However now, they are married and afraid to leave because of kids, or credit scores and would rather live an unsatisfying life. I can't imagine ever living that way.

Before I met my husband I had never been in a relationship longer then 3 months unless you count the 5 years I spent being fuck buddies with someone. I lived for the flings. At the time people thought bad of me for behaving the way nearly every guy behaves. Now those same people who spent their whole lives in one committed relationship or another are sitting there in an unsatisfying place wondering what else is out there. That is the beauty of it, I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER. I know. My little cousins are in high school now and I actually encourage them to date around. High school is the time for that stuff. Its the time to date all the types of people and find out what your type really is. 10 years later when your married is not the time to start wondering that.

I'm about to tell a story I've only told 3 people in my life and I will edit out anything I feel necessary because I can.

Before Rob and I moved in together we had been together for about two years and were kind of just sitting in limbo. I started trying to find reasons to pick fights and really began thinking I wanted to leave. Not because he wasn't going to commit or move in or anything, but just because thats what I did. If things got to good I made them bad so I had a way out. I wanted to move forward and he was afraid. I met this guy at work. He was the complete opposite of Rob. We started talking and flirting at work. I had just lost a lot of weight and Rob never really said anything at all about it. I was coming to work every day and all of these guys were telling me the things I wanted to hear from Rob. Anyway this guy couldn't drive a stick shift and needed to learn how and I got volunteered to teach him. We spent a couple nights doing that and since it was only the two of us we had no choice but to talk. A LOT! I think since he was the type of guy who hadn't been with many girls maybe that is why he fell so quick. The next thing I knew this guy was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to have kids with me and he knew I was the one. Going from hearing nothing like that with Rob to having some guy tell you everything you want to hear can really fuck with your mind. I thought about it so much and decided I was going to break up with Rob. Not to be with this guy but just because I was feeling like there was more out there. We had a trip planned to California and I went with him. I didn't speak to him once on the trip down there. He had no clue I was planning to leave him. The trip was uneventful but on the way back I really started to question all of my thoughts. I started to wonder if I would be happier with out him or if I wanted to be with him even though he wasn't giving me the things I thought I needed. I really started to feel like maybe even thought he wasn't ready, that I shouldn't give up on him yet. That guy started really bothering me and pushing really hard and asking me to do things I wasn't ready to do. He wanted to have sex and be a couple and all I wanted to do was make sense of what was going on in my head. Rob and I weren't talking about moving in at all, in fact he really didn't even know I was pissed that he hadn't asked me to move in yet. One day my living situation got trashed and suddenly I found myself looking for a new place to live. While I was talking to Rob about it his response was "We'll figure it out". I'll never forget that second in my life. I was in my room on my bed, the right side of the bed if you are looking at it and I said, what do you mean WE? He said, well I've been thinking and I think its time we move in together. He said that was why he quit smoking. He was allergic to my cat and knew that he couldn't move in with me if he was still smoking since that, plus the allergy plus asthma would be a bad idea. I was flabergasted. I had no clue he was thinking of that, let alone that he had been thinking about it so long. He had actually quit smoking almost two months before that. At that moment everything clicked. I had that guy fired from our company and cut off all contact with him. He pushed and pushed and the more he pushed it was like he was pushing me right into Robs arms. I don't regret the stuff that happened with that guy because it put me where I am now. Sometimes mistakes are the only way to learn.

Now that I'm with Rob I'm so happy. But that doesn't mean that I don't sit around wondering if I made the right choice, or if he is still happy with me or is he still in love or just there because its comfortable. That is why guys need to show us and we need to show them once in a while that we are still right where we want to be. If any guys read this blog here comes some good advice. WE STILL NEED TO KNOW! We will always need to know. Even if we aren't sitting there wondering, when you do something to show us it will fill us up with so much excitement, you will definitely see the benefits of that. One example would be Emery's husband. They have been married for a while now and one day while he was out of town he sent her this ridiculously amazing video where he had written her all these great things. At that moment SHE KNEW. Or for me. One day this ass face tried to run over me and my son while we were walking, on purpose. When I told my husband, who never ever got jealous or angry all the sudden he was pounding on this guys car door telling him he would kill him. Seeing my husband get all puffed up over me made see how much he loved us. Not to mention it made me way super hot but thats another story. Or how one day he got jealous because his friend flirted with me. Five years and he hasn't been jealous once, and now I'm overweight covered in baby spit and he still likes me enough to get jealous. I wanted to shout at the moon and pat myself on the back. I would give more examples but I really can't. It seems like so many of my friends are stuck in these marriages they don't want to be in, or stuck wondering if there isn't someone better. I have so many friends telling me they feel like they are nothing but a mom. They spend there days feeling inadequate and quit trying. I have one friend in particular like this. She says they barely have sex anymore and she feels so useless. She says that she only stays for the kids and even though she knows he loves her he never lets her know. I am so astonished because I can't imagine living like that. Every few days Rob makes sure to walk by and squeeze my butt. I know it seems silly but I like it. I like knowing he still likes my ass enough to give it a good squish. It makes me happy knowing that he can find me hot, in my sweats, with week old hair, baby boogers, poop and food on me and armpit hair that you could grate cheese on. I think guys take for granted what they have. However at the same time I think so do we. I think that girls go around thinking since guys aren't all emotional and dramatic they don't need to know we are still interested. There are things we can do also. First, if you have kids although letting them know that you think they are great dads is nice, you don't want them to think that that is all we think of them now. A lot of dads start to feel really left out when you have a baby and its important to let them know you still love them. One of the best things you can do, since after all we are talking about guys here, is try something new in bed. Tell them how irresistible they are, because even guys need to know you still think they are hot enough to ravish in bed. They want to know you still love em even with their beer belly. Something else is to find something they love, like video games and computer games and just randomly come home with a new video game that was just released. Or a new gizmo for their computer or game. That way they know you were just driving around that day thinking of them. However, another thing you can do is remember, that even though guys don't verbalize their emotional side like we do, they still want to hear all the same stuff as us. Sometimes sitting down and writing a nice letter telling them how wonderful and amazing they are and how you think they are just like superman and ultra hot and all that shit is totally what they need. Prancing around in a new black pair of non granny panties after you have showered and even put on perfume and maybe even styled your hair for once, definitely lets em know you still care. Oh ya and sexual favors while your on your period makes them really happy. It goes both ways you know.

The other day I had a minor health scare and I started to look at everything around me. I realized just how lucky I was. I also realized that I hadn't taken the time in a while to tell Rob that I know just how lucky I am. I took a second to write him a short note just to let him know how I felt and that he was on my mind. It made the biggest difference. I have gotten extra kisses all week and tons of hugs and I can tell that, it was just what he needed to hear. I am just ashamed that it took my health to make me remember to remind him I love him.

Anyway that guy I've been emailing all day said I'm hilarious but he also thanked me for telling him all the tricks of the trade. I told him he is lucky since most of the time us girls prefer to to just sit around and watch them fuck up so we can laugh at what idiots they are.

1.23.2007

I hate it when I don't know what to do

Okay moms I need advice. I'm slowly learning how to punish my son. When I say punish I mean put him in timeout for about 23 seconds. However what I don't know is when is an appropriate time for punishment. This afternoon I was doing dishes and I realized Brandon was being FAR to quite. Soo I sneak around the house until I find him. Sigh! He was in the bathroom. He had unrolled all of the toilet paper in small amounts, dunked em in the toilet and then suck little wet toilet paper balls all over the bathroom. Then he took the little freshener thing I had in the toiled off and dropped it in the toilet. When I came in he was using the plunger to try and scoop out the toilet freshener thing. I told him no, picked him up, washed his hands and took him out of the bathroom. My mom said I should have put him in time out.

SHOULD I HAVE?

On one hand I felt like it was mostly my fault for leaving the door open and not watching him. On another hand I thought it was freaking hilarious and so very very cute. And then on the rational hand I really felt like maybe I should have punished him. BUT really, does something like that really constitute a time out?

Please moms, I'm a punishment rookie. All help and advice will be greatly appreciated.

1.21.2007

A landmark event

My

Son

Will

Finally

Drink

Plain

Milk!

This means no more getting out the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavored milks every 20 minutes when he wants more milk. This means no more dumping chocolate and strawberry milk on my carpet (of course the white vanilla milk never gets dumped out because, its, white). This means no more covering my counter in grainy powder when I get up in the middle of the night to make Brandons milk at 3AM. Most of all this means I no longer feel like an asshole parent letting their kid survive on sugar flavored sugar milk! Thank! Gosh!

Noticing a change

In earlier blogs I mentioned how whenever I started a diet I would think about food 24 hours a day. I said that it wasn't healthy that I always wanted to eat. So today when I began thinking of what to have for lunch I became frustrated with myself because it was so early. However then I looked at the clock and noticed it was actually 11:45. I was so impressed. I had managed to go nearly four hours without thinking about my next meal. It seems as though I have gotten myself on a schedule, which I think is something diet experts actually applaud. I eat breakfast at around 7:30 or 8:00 and have a snack around 10:00 at about noon I'm ready for lunch, with another snack following around 3:00. Then dinner falls right around 6:00 followed by some desert, which I guess is actually perfect because that way I'm not eating right before bed. I am truly proud of myself that I am learning to wean myself off of my food support system.

I've also noticed now that I'm paying attention to portions, that I really don't need a giant serving to get full. What I find interesting is that I had drastically cut my portions last time I dieted and it was something I stuck with even after I fell off the wagon (with the exception of ice cream, those portions always seem to get bigger)! This time around though I've cut my portion even more and it seems to be working better. I've found that eating one thing for my meal instead of 4 small things works better. Like now, I'm having a bowl of homemade, vegetarian, gluten free bean stoup (stole the word from Rachael Ray) and its so much more satisfying then having, say some soup, some chips and a salad.

Another big advance in my diet is that I have done so well at resisting "tasting" things. Yesterday we went to Costco and I only tried two of the 15 samples. I had about 8 Jelly Belly's, and about an ounce of some new fizzy energy drink. Here are the things I passed up:
*Buttermilk bread with butter
*White bread with jam
*Hamburgers
*Chicken nuggets
*Chocolate cake (it took every ounce of will power I had not to grab the bowl she was mixing and run away to a corner and suck the sticky mess down only to lick the bowl and walk away like nothing happened)
*Raviolis
*Pita chips with salsa
*Something at the end of the desert isle that I refused to go look at
*Mini Quesidillas
*Dried mango (okay I took one bite but only because I was so intrigued at the oddness of it)
and so on. Also please note, this was extra hard because bread is my favorite thing in the world and trying to be disciplined with not eating gluten is causing my hair to gray)


I was so very proud of myself considering I usually make two or three rounds to make sure I get a few samples of all of the things I love. Today I did not taste the new swirly Cheeto's I got for Brandon. I did not put cheese on my Mexican style stoup because I knew it was so spicy I probably wouldn't be able to taste the cheese anyway. I did not finish Brandon's half eaten yogurt telling myself it was okay because it was yogurt (I totally licked my fingers though, but I will be sure to document that .0184 calories in my journal). I did not eat the fried breakfast potatoes I made for my husband this morning (I tasted one half inch sliver for taste and I don't count that either since I usually make myself a whole plate full). I did not eat the mayo covered bun pieces my husband left behind at dinner last night (even though those are the best bites of the whole burger since there is no meat on them).

I'm making progress here. I bet ya'll are reading this stuff and laughing at me because you are all the worlds most healthy people who don't steal Cheetos off their sons plate, or secretly drink half of their chocolate milk, telling yourself your only doing it because they would spill if they had a full cup. I'm positive I'm the only one who hovers around the shrimp section at Costco waiting for the lady to just put the damn fresh baked cookies out. I know I'm being laughed at because I can't imagine that there are more then a handful of people out there who have as little will power as me. It's fine though. I'm used to people thinking I'm odd.

I guess I hope that my new good habits will rub off on at least one person and little buy little my generation can stop being made fun of because we are some kind of fat slobs the world has never seen before.

However all of my portion controlling and calorie counting has one good side effect. At the end of the day, when I have a few extra calories laying around, I don't feel bad about increasing the portion size of my nightly bowl of slow churned half calorie ice cream. Its nice to know now on bad days, I can rearrange my meals to make sure I have that sweet, melty goodness at the end of the day. Because really, if I couldn't have my ice cream, I would probably just shrivel up and die. And really who cares if is below freezing in my house, and I have to wear a hat and mittens just to eat my ice cream. Hat hair is totally worth it.

Oh shit....The next American Idol is living in my house

Sooooooooo. We are watching American Idol on Tivo right now. This shit is cracking me up.

First of all the guy who thinks he is AT LEAST as good as Freddie from Queen! Thank you, I haven't pissed in my pants laughing lately.

One of my favorites though was the girl who said her husband told her she was wasting her time. Now that is awesome if you ask me. The closest person to you tells you that you sound like an ass and you keep going.

Also, do they purposely not put a sign on the left door that says OTHER DOOR. I mean do they do it just for one last laugh as they humiliate the people more by watching them smack into the door.

I also love when Simon says "I'm not being rude but..." Gosh I would love to hear him be rude.

Anyway Brandon has been watching with us and it has made him start singing along. I wish I had a better video camera so I could capture the the laaaaaa ooooooooo ahhhhhhhhh my son has been singing. I must say, not being bias at all, that I think Brnadon is far better then almost everyone on this show.

In other news my house was clean yesterday for 8 hours. Know why? My son was over at grandma and papa's for 8 hours. Within 35 minutes of being home, every block my son owned was scattered about.

Yesterday Rob and I got to spend a bunch of time together. We went to Costco, the Asian Supermarket and Wal-Mart. I thought Rob was going to crumple up and die from having to go to three groceries stores with me. BUT! He didn't! He begrudgingly came along, whining the whole way. At Wal-Mart he tried to wander of the the electronics isle but I vetoed that instantly because I knew if I did that I would not have been allowed to leave the store with less then $5,908,983.88 in electronics.

Although he just got a whole new stereo system put in his car, including, subs, amps, speakers, decks, EQ's and so on. He somehow feels like there might be something left that he doesn't have. To be honest with myself he wouldn't have actually purchased anything for HIS car from Wal-Mart because he is as big of an electronic brand name whore as I am about purses, he still would have gotten ideas. My husbands ideas kill me. I don't know how to say no. I often find myself making deals with him that in the end, never seem to favor me. For instance:

"Yes dear, you can buy a fourth gun BUTONLY if you promise not to ask me about buying a fifth gun for an entire year."

I thought I was clever. Now though I watch him click click clicking away on his computer and I'm terrified he is looking at guns, and since I'm not there to shoot it down or tell him he can't spend that much, I fear he is over there looking at the biggest whopper all inclusive bad mamajama gun you ever did see. Dammit. This is my own fault. If he can't mention it I can' turn it down.

This Christmas after I gave in and let him buy not only his deck but his other four truck accessories, he swore he was done buying stuff for his truck. In fact he was so done, that he only needed new rims (to replace his that are 4 months old), to lower his truck, a new grill, some head lights, to match the tail lights he needs, a black Chevy logo, some winter wheels, a new paint job (because 2 years is far to old for paint), and some new door handles (because aren't Cool enough). Thats it. Then he will really for reals maybe almost possibly be done.

Just typing all of that makes me want to curl up in a ball because I'm the worlds worst at saying NO. Want an example of how bad I am? When I met my husband he had a brand new Grand Prix. He got bored with that and decided he wanted a tahoe. OOOkay we went down and bought the tahoe, and since we couldn't sell the Grand Prix we kept it and had three cars. But then he decided he wanted a truck about six months later. Soooooo we took his two cars and traded them in on a new truck. Yes we now had three cars rolled into one car payment. But wait theres more. He got sad and decided he wanted his tahoe back. Before I knew it he had a 2005 Tahoe sitting in my driveway with four cars rolled into one payment and a payment that if I mentioned would probably cause people to drag me outside and publicly tar and feather me. I will give you a hint though, its more then half of my house payment AND my house payment is more then a grand!

Where was I going with this post? Hmmm I think no where. All I know is now that I have a kid, plus a 28 year old kid and we are talking about having another kid, I think I might need someone drown me before I drown in trinkets for my boys. And seriously people if I have a girl, no, I don't even want to think about how bad that could be for me. Because I'm the most pinky pink frilly la la momma you have ever seen.

Soooo where I was going with this is that my son needs to hurry up and win American Idol so he can get rich and support him and his fathers trinket habit. I wouldn't complain if he tossed a Coach purse my way every now and then.

Rob's on his computer now, (yes his very own black apple lap top that cost more just because it was black, that he had to have , because he couldn't actually use my girly white laptop with the pink flower, and please, baby please, I won't bother you about wheels for 48 hours if you buy this for me to match my brand new black ipod that cost more money just because its black please baby please) and this is scaring me because I have a feeling he is on there searching for something black and shiny and expensive to bug me about. I'm just waiting for it. That look and the BABY with the stupid grin. So I say OH SHIT. I don't know what to do with myself.

*Side note, what the fuck is up with Apple charging a premium to own stuff in black. Just because I wanted the black Ipod I had to spend double, almost triple the amount as I would have spent on any other fucking color. Fucking Apple, its people like you who make my husbands heart beat fast with desire for trinkets to match his fucking black Tahoe. License plates BLKTOUT! Ugggggggggg someone shoot me now.

**Side note two. Sorry if this was the worlds worst post ever. I don't have a damn clue what I wanted to write. I blame this on the fact that I've only had a half of a cup of coffee and I need about 34 more cups until I'm sort of coherent.

1.18.2007

on the HEAVIER side of things

Today is day 18 of my dreaded diet and day two of my period. I can't tell you if I've made progress because I still haven't weighed myself. I can't remember if I told you but I'm not weighing myself again until February 1st. This is driving me bonkers. I used to weigh myself every time I peed. And people, I PEE A LOT!

I think I'm at the stage now where I need to learn to stop thinking of food every single minute and only think about it when I'm hungry. I feel like an alcoholic who is reaching out for a sponsor. But as you know, you can't have just any ole person be a sponsor. You need someone who has been through it, or even who is going through it. Right now there seems to be a shortage of people who want to take dieting as serious as me. So when those times come where I want to eat just to eat and I need to call someone so they can say that exact right time, I am stuck.

You know, this is the first time I've started a diet for reasons other then weight loss and vanity. I won't lie and say losing the pounds and a smaller jean size wouldn't be nice. The biggest reason though is my son and my future kids. The last thing I want to do is pass my weight issues down to my kids like my mom did to me and her mom did to her. Even if my mom never said a word to me about my diet, I would still have known what it was because SHE WAS ALWAYS ON SOME KIND OF DIET. I watched an episode of Oprah recently (yes I love her, I want to marry her, I Tivo her and I reference her allll the time, so shush) and she talked to moms and their kids. There were a couple kids on the show who were about 4 and they thought they were fat. This one little girl thought fat people were ugly. Then there was this beautiful girl in high school who must have been about a size two and she was obsessed with her weight. Both moms said they really didn't understand why because they spent everyday telling their kids how beautiful they were. BOTH girls said the same thing. They said that everyday they saw their moms in the mirror talking to themselves about being fat, and looking at their ass, and counting calories and stocking up on Lean Cuisines while serving the rest of the family regular food, and they just figured it out themselves. Without even intending to these women had passed their issues on to their kids. It smacked me right in the face that day. I was those women. I was going to be that mom who passed her issues to her kids. Hell I've already passed them on to my husband and he never weighs more then 170. Even boys have body issues so I do have to worry about this even though right now I only have a son.

I realize that I need to take this seriously NOW so that when he is older I'm not trying to do it in front of him. My goal is to just make eating healthy seem normal that my kids never know otherwise. There are so many things that come with this task. Like learning to eat three meals a day or learning not to snack because it is the weekend. The biggest one is trying to learn not to turn to food when I'm upset. I keep telling myself that this blog is a way of healing myself and learning to be who I really want to be but I have to accept the fact that finally dealing with my weight issues is probably the biggest change I can make. That is the biggest reason I don't want to step on the scale. I don't want this whole thing to be based on numbers. I want it to be based on how I feel. I want to do it whether I like what I see on the scale or not. I want to learn how to be full from a normal serving instead of telling myself I can eat more today because I lost a few pounds. I don't want to starve myself because I don't see the scale moving. Eventually I would like to learn to be one of those people who doesn't weigh themselves unless they go to the doctor.

I think skinny people take being skinny for granted. Its all they know and they don't realize how hard it can be for some people. It drives me crazy when my friend who wears a double zero complains that she needs to go to the gym because she is really getting out of shape. I look at her and I'm just baffled. Or when she refers to her size 1 jeans as her fat pants. I just stare dumbfounded. Sometimes I don't think people realize what they are saying. Its almost as though they they are so absorbed by their extra 2.5 pounds that they don't realize that sometimes they are really hurting their friends. A lot of my friends used to try and sabotage me. They would encourage me to eat bad. Say things like "O come on you can't come to Olive Garden and not have breadsticks." Actually I can. It is quite easy. So today when a friend of mine talked about losing weight instead of telling her she didn't need to I was positive about it. I asked her reasons and encouraged her to do what would make her happy and made suggestions on how to do it in a fun and positive way. I didn't say things like, Why you don't need to lose weight, or suggest fad diets. I just talked to her for reals about it. I would like to think my suggestions helped her. But, even if they didn't they helped me because I know that I must be healing to have even responded the way I did. And for me, that is good enough.

Some of this must seem so drastic or odd to a lot of you but for me its necessary. Having issues with food is just as bad as having an addiction to alcohol or drugs, trust me I've had a problem with both. I still do. My cousin suggested I take up an activity as something to take my mind off eating. Only problem is all the good ones would seem like an even better activity for my son, i.e. me knitting, Brandon destroying my ball of yarn. I'll figure something out though. Hopefully I can keep up my good work and continue watching what I eat and making positive changes.

Smart little sucker

You know, I don't know how kids get to be so smart. This morning right in front of me my son pulled out the bottom drawer in my bathroom and used it to stand on so he could reach the counter. I have no clue where he learned this. I have been so careful not to do that in case he was watching.

Yesterday I couldn't figure out why there was paper all over the main room of my work. Then I walked out there and saw why. My son had pushed his power wheels four wheeler over next to the copy machine. He would climb up on top of it, push the copy button, jump off and run over and grab the sheet of paper. Then he would throw it on the floor and run back over to his quad. I was stunned. How on earth did he know exactly what button to push? So we unplugged the copier and the little stinker walked over and pushed the button that pops open the entire machine because he knew it was broken.

He knows exactly what button ejects the DVD's, which button turns on his Superman TV, which button starts the dishwasher (even when its empty), which drawer holds the gum and which switch turns on what lights.

HOW DOES HE KNOW ALL OF THIS?

I just don't get it! I mean yeah he is getting older, but really, it just takes my breath away when he does things. Now he is repeating words. Today he has repeated the following: Hey, No, Go, and another one I can't remember. He also learned how to pucker his lips, so when he is doing something wrong before you reach him to say NO he is ready and waiting all puckered up. How do you tell a child NO when he is trying to give you a kiss. Last night he kept saying I know, instead of I don't know every time I asked where his milk was. How does he know that?

He knows how to sit down and give me each foot for shoes and socks, and tries to zip his zipper after I put on his jacket.

My little boy is so big. Sniff sniff. To bad he doesn't know how to lay down and take a nap when he is tired.

1.16.2007

Things my son will eat

* String cheese (only if cut into half inch circles)

* Tyson chicken bites

* NutraGrain bars (only strawberry, must! be in the wrapper still)

* Baby oatmeal (only on days he feels like it)

* Yogurt (only Yoplait, only Peach, must be served in a bowl with small spoon, must be allowed to feed himself)

* Anything chocolate

* Cheetos (Only while watching a movie)

* White rice (not allowed on plate or in bowl must be placed directly on high chair table thingy)

* Popcicles (duh, frozen sugar, HELL YA)

* Toast (only whole wheat or sour dough, only with margerine)

* Bananas (only in the grocery store cart)

* Grown up oatmeal (only when you have two bites left and really really want those two bites)

* Organic spaghetti stars (only every three days, IF! he feels like it)

* Potato chips (only in the store when everyone is looking at your child with the open bag of salty, nasty, unhealthy, FRIED potato chips and judging you)

* Quesadillas (only when mom remembers to make them)

* Gogurt (only if it is squeezed out of the package into a bowl)

* Milk (only if it is chocolate, strawberry or vanilla)

* Cheerios (only fruit flavor and only in a bag

*ANYTHING! OFF! THE! FLOOR ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

* Really! Anything. EVEN cat litter!

* YES! cat litter

Ickyness

Sunday night started out rough. Brandon woke up screaming his head off and shaking from the second molar I just learned at that second was coming in. Finally after 3 doses of oragel and a dose of Motrin he went to bed. Approximately 2 hours later I woke up feeling like I needed to vomit. I laid there and suffered until three when I finally got up and puked. I felt better and got into bed. That morning when I sat up I felt like vomiting again. It became clear that any type of moving made me want to puke. Turns out I had food poisoning. It was terrible. My parents had to come get Brandon and take him with them to work today because in the one hour I was left alone with him the following happened:

Grabbed his little stool and got into kitchen junk drawer. Removed two pairs of scissors and entire rest of drawer and threw it on the floor.

Took stool into bathroom and got toothpaste out of my medicine cabinet.

Took stool into his bedroom and got into all of his diaper changing stuff and began playing with his RECTAL thermometer. Shoved it in his pocket (down his shirt) to play with later.

Pulled everything off his bed and out of his toy chest. Smashed family heirloom piano to smithereens, and destroyed bedroom.

Removed all cords from hiding places and threw into the bath tub, also in the bath tub went, two belts, a cup, a shirt and some toys.

Threw about 8 blocks, a grocery card and a foam block into kitchen sink.

Emptied out his dads night stand and cleared off the top of mine.

Sooooo needless to say I was in no shape to watch him and had to call for help. After spending the whole day doing Cartwheels (if you don't know I won't tell you) I finally passed out at around 7PM. This morning I woke up only to find my son digging around in the cat litter box.

WOE IS ME!

1.13.2007

So very thankful



Okay moms I finally found something my son will eat. Granted he still won't eat more then two but still he is at least eating something. They seem good and likes them and they are just the right size for his mouth. So moms if you are looking for something new to try run right out and grab these. Plus 3 of em heat up in only about 20 seconds. 20 SECONDS !! Have you ever made a meal that fast? I think not. Brandon gives them two tiny thumbs up. They aren't even all that greasy for a microwavable chicken product. Brandon likes to eat his with a lovely glass of chocolate milk. We find the chocolate compliments the chicken very nicely. These can also be served with a delightful side of string cheese circles (string cheese cut into half inch circle pieces) !


*Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any small petrified chicken pieces and fossilized cheese parts you may find hiding under your couches, tables, sheets, in your shoes, ect.

So very thankful


Okay moms I finally found something my son will eat. Granted he still won't eat more then two but still he is at least eating something. They seem good and likes them and they are just the right size for his mouth. So moms if you are looking for something new to try run right out and grab these. Plus 3 of em heat up in only about 20 seconds. 20 SECONDS !! Have you ever made a meal that fast? I think not. Brandon gives them two tiny thumbs up. They aren't even all that greasy for a microwavable chicken product. Brandon likes to eat his with a lovely glass of chocolate milk. We find the chocolate compliments the chicken very nicely. These can also be served with a delightful side of string cheese circles (string cheese cut into half inch circle pieces) !


*Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any small petrified chicken pieces and fossilized cheese parts you may find hiding under your couches, tables, sheets, ect.

1.12.2007

Times I've lost my mind today 343,069

Times my sons left Converse shoe came untied: 5

Times my employee screwed up today: 7

Times my phone at work rang today: 48,359

Times the phone rang right when my ass cheeks hit the toilet2:

Times I had to go to the bathroom: 5

Times I went to the bathroom: 2

Times my son climbed my chair, jumped off the back over my head and fell on the floor: 3

Times my son ran away from me because I wanted to change his diaper: 3

Times I thought my sanity had been pushed as far as it could go: 78

Times I thought about hanging up on the customer who said rude things to me: 5

Today at work was awful. My day started with an emergency no heat oil call. I asked the guy 43 times if he was sure they had oil in their tank. He informed me that they did because the oil people had just been there tuesday. I called the guy to tell him I was going to his house and was informed I couldn't come for another two hours. Finally get there and find out that indeed there was not oil in the tank and again they had sucked sludge up into the shiny new furnace we installed. Customer called oil company and found out that they could not confirm or deny if they had taken oil to his house because their resident rocket scientist wasn't there and couldn't figure out how to input his name into the computer. It then took an employee 48 minutes to get from Northwest Reno to Southwest Reno. Let me inform you, it does not take more then 15 minutes to get ANYWHERE IN RENO!!!! Then somehow it took the dumbshit another hour to get back to work at the end of the day. I hate dumbshit employees!

Cheetoed

Cheetoed (v) [cheeeee toed] 1. The act of smearing orange Cheeto fingers all over your mother

Clarification aka Spanking part deux

Ooookay so seems like I struck some sort of emotional cord with yesterdays blog. I decided I owe you all some sort of explanation for ya'll. Let me start off by telling you all that I have serious issues with this for no apparent reason. You know those religious people who go chasing after you at super markets asking if you have found God? That is me! Only instead of following you about religion I'm following you to make sure you don't spank your kid. Have you ever been somewhere public and you see some kid start screeming and all the sudden the parent drags them outside? Okay well I'm that person who goes running outside after you to make sure you don't start beating your kid. NO! It is none of my business but I really don't give a shit. I realize that parents spank but for some reason I'm just always terrified some parent is going to whip of their belt and go to town on their child. You bet your ass if I ever see or hear you did this I'm going to be on the phone with child services, the police and the president before you can even fasten your belt back on.

I might be a little extra sensitive this month about it since I recently found out that an ex friend of my husband decided to beat his son with a belt 20 + times because he ran around at nap time. This kid won't sleep and is now terrified of everyone and he is only about 4 years old. The part that worries me the most is that this guy had never even laid a hand on the boy and one day just snapped. I want to crawl in a little hole and bawl my eyes out thinking of that little one right now.

You see for the 3 years I actually went to school, (okay like 2.5 if you count the time I really showed up) I studied everything to do with kids. I was going to go into social work or MFT with a minor in special ed or something. No matter what all I know is I wanted to save kids.

My uncle has somewhere like 8 kids (really I stopped counting around 6ish) and for at least two years out of each kids life they have lived with me and my mom. Some of the living conditions these kids went through were awful. I'm talking living with a mom who hadn't done dishes in so long there was maggots in their sink. We called social services so many times and never was anything done about it because there was bologna and bread in the house and the kids were still alive.

After seeing what the world allows kids to live through I guess I wanted to go on some sort of mission to save all children. You see when Brandon was born I was very clear to my husband that if he ever spanked our kid that would be grounds for a divorce. No questions asked I would be out. Soooo being the clever little shit he is he asked me if smacking his hand was also divorce worthy. I pondered and pondered and thought that I still could not do that to my son. In my own twisted mind I consider that child abuse. Then I tried to imagine seeing my husband smack his hand and I almost killed him on the spot just from imagining it. So my husband got stuck with time out. That is as far as I will let him go and I have to be perfectly honest I don't even like that. In fact I"m pretty sure that I think letting a child cry might be child abuse.

Yeah go ahead I can hear the snickers from over here. I know what you are saying. I've heard it before.

HER KID IS GOING TO WALK ALL OVER HER!!!! SNICKER SNICKER SNARKY SNARKY

You know what my response to that is? SOOOOOOOOOO WHAT!!!!

I didn't receive very many punishments my whole life. And for the most part I turned out just fine. You know so many parents say "well I was spanked as a child and I understood not to screw up again" Yes but you never know if your mom hadn't spanked you, if she had just taken you aside and explained what you did wrong if you wouldn't have learned just as well? HMMM

I have this friend Alli who doesn't ever spank. She has what I consider to be two of the most well behaved kids on the planet. I also for the most part think she is a parenting genius. If we are somewhere and her son does something wrong she pulls him aside and explains what he did wrong. She will say something like, you can't run around like this because there are a lot of people here and we don't know them and it is rude for you to interrupt their day but if you want to run around if you can just be good for an hour then I promise when we get to where we are going I will let you run around extra hard for being so good. And sure as shit it works like a charm. Instead of using all kinds of awful punishments or weird ideas for getting her daughter to stop doing something she has started saying if you do it again you have to eat a peppermint candy. Emma hates peppermint so by doing that Alli is allowing her to make the decision on her own and should Emma choose to mess up again at least she isn't getting hurt. Also when her kids wouldn't nap Alli put a child lock on their door from their side one time. She put em in and said take a nap. They were so upset with the lock that from now on when she says take a nap they will go in there and do it on their own rather then having the choice taken away from them.

I guess seeing her raise two amazing kids with out laying a hand on them made me see that there really is no need for spanking. So you see Emery I know that Ezzie Probably really wasn't affected at all by the tap on the ass. In all honesty he probably forgot about it 24.3 seconds later. And of course he's your kid so its totally not my space to tell you how to parent, sometimes I just like to dribble off my way and make it the highway you know. But seriously if I had been there, I'm pretty sure you would have gotten the death stare, if I didn't start bawling first and grab Ezzie and run away with him.

And Kim, its sounds to me like you have already made your decision about spanking. Don't let the fact that your child is older let you think it is now okay to spank them. Instead try thinking that since he is older he will be able to understand you better when you discuss with him in a big boy way why he was doing something wrong, and then give him the power to make an adult decision about it. Sometimes you can give kids the power to make adult decisions and that makes them feel grown up and makes them want to behave well.

Sometimes I think that when you spank a kid it takes the power away from them rather then informing them and then letting them have the power. You know when you go to work now and you make a mistake your boss comes in and tells you why you made a mistake and how to fix it. Imagine how we would feel if the boss just fired us on the spot. We then lose the power to make a better more informed decision.

Right now I'm watching Brandon jump up and down and dance to the I like to move it song on Madagascar and I'm asking myself how on earth could anyone want to spank him. So when I get mad at him I try and remember moments like this so I don't do something I might regret later. When your so mad at your kid you feel like hitting them maybe just stop and think of why you are so mad. Are you mad because everything else around you is hectic (i.e. being in an airport, because I know any trip to an air port is enough for me to want to beat up everyone I come in contact with) and other things are going wrong and at that moment spanking your kid seems like the only way you can get out your frustrations? Because I bet if you stop and think about it, and ask yourself, am I really mad or do I really seriously want to hit my kid right now. I bet you would realize you don't actually want to implement the spanking. Thats just my theory. I guess I just know that any time I've ever been mad enough to raise my voice at Brandon, I've stopped and looked around me and realized, I just had a bad day at work, and there are toys every where and my husband was being a butt head and I realize that what ever Brandon did wouldn't even seem all that bad on any other normal good day. So I guess I just need to take my own advice and learn to separate my own frustrations with my bad day from my son. Hopefully by doing this I can be a better mom.

Also put yourself in your kids shoes. (Sorry Em I'm totally going to use you as an example feel free to publicly flog me for being such an ass today) Ever single time I went to an airport as a kid two things happened, I felt super grown up annnnd I thought HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE I MUST RUN AROUND IN IT NOW. Taking me to an airport was like asking me to run around like a nutso. Also the airport to him probably seemed no different then when you take him to the mall in the morning and let him run around there. Sometimes I think its hard for kids to separate right and wrong places for that kind of stuff. So maybe next time you are on your way to the airport you should talk to Ezzie right before you go in and explain that this place is not like the mall or the park and he has to behave like a super big boy and then when you get off the plain you will take him to Momars and he can totally run around like crazy. Annnd for every 10 minutes he is good then he can have an extra ten minutes to run around at Momars. This is just my way of thinking. Again it might not be right for you but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. Again sorry for using you and the bug as an example but you two are just whats on my mind right now. No matter what I still think you are a wonderful, great, amazing person and I still look up to you!

Okay I'm rambling again. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. Basically for me I'm just a huge giant softy and can't imagine my son feeling any kind of hurt. So yeah I'm probably screwed in the future, but you know I can't help thinking that no matter what happens my son will still grow up to be sorta normal with or with out a spanking.

1.11.2007

Singled out

Am I the last mom on the planet who does not believe in spanking? I don't understand it. I'm almost afraid to write this blog because I realize no one will really comment on it. I mean what are they going to do post comments on why they think its okay to hit a helpless child? For the most part I feel like I'm being a good mom by making the decision not to spank Brandon, but at the same time I'm feeling like I've alienated myself from the vast majority of the mommy population.

I generally try and be humorous when I write. I'm just not sure how to be humorous about this. I guess the trigger point that brought this on was when I was reading a fellow mom blog and they mentioned spanking. I was thrown off balance for a second. I read the sentence and then I reread it and read it again. I was so shocked that this person I had looked up at for so long had this dirty little secret. All the sudden I felt myself hurting for their child. I have a problem with that. I hurt when I hear about children being hurt. I'm sure this person meant no harm in writing that they spank their child. And of course it is really none of my business and maybe their kid will grow up being far more disciplined then mine but at what cost.

I was spanked two times in my entire life. The first time I was so young that I actually don't have a single other memory from that age, except! the one time my mom spanked me. I remember her spanking me and putting me in her room. I also remember thinking that she must not love me if she had done that. I was so upset that I started destroying everything in her room. She came in and spanked me again. So again I destroyed everything and got very upset. My mom never spanked me again. From memory and knowing what houses I was living in I know that I had to have been no older then three years old.

However, my mom yelled a lot. For me each time she screamed at me it was like a verbal slap in the face. It made me feel like a helpless child. I am still to this day terrified that she will yell at me and I think that no child should feel that way with a parent. I am afraid to go to my mom with problems or when I've made a mistake because I feel like she will yell at me. For me I think spanking a child will create the same fears in them. I don't want Brandon being afraid to come to me. That is why I make such a big effort not to raise my voice at him. But! when I do I have started to pray that someday he will forgive me for losing my temper. I can't imagine the size of prayer you would have to say to receive forgiveness from your child for hitting them.

My husbands dad hit him when he was little. He says it made him disciplined. But I live with him. My husband is closed off and afraid to speak his feelings. He is still afraid of his dad when we visit and he still treats his dad the way a 12 year old does. He is not treated as an equal and I hate it. I never want my son to grow up and bring his child to visit and then cower in front of Rob or be afraid to tell him that he has a tattoo when he is 27 years old or that he bought a new car when he was 26.

Kids should always feel like they are welcome to come and tell you anything with out reprecautions so bad you feel worse then you did or you become afraid to speak your mind.

So tell me moms, am I the last mom out their who cherishes their little innocent soul? Who looks at my 17th month old and still sees the innocent child he was the day he was born. Am I the only mom who understands that if you won't hit your spouse why on earth would you hit your kid?

That is my new challenge for all you spanking families out there. Next time your wife upsets you and behaves badly I think you should smack her. NO! Why not? Why is it okay to punish your child but not your spouse? I once had a guy tell me that his wife was grown and knew right from wrong and that is why he didn't hit her. Okay so if your wife makes a mistake or she burns dinner or she breaks a dish or spills milk on the floor then obviously she doesn't know right from wrong so you should hit her. And ladies when your husband wrecks the car, or gets in trouble at work for having attitude or he forgets to do something you told him, or his friends come over and he gets a little to drunk and a little too loud and is running around enjoying himself, you should hit him because, after all, didn't you just spank your kid last night because they were having a little to much fun running around being loud? Think about it. If you wouldn't hit your grown spouse why are you going to hit your innocent little child who doesn't even know what they have done wrong? Think about it next time you get knots in your stomach because you see your neighbor spank their dog. Are you telling me you value a dogs life more then your own child. Think about it when you realize that some day your kid is going to go to school and hit someone out of anger because you taught them that. And what will you do? Teach them hitting is bad by spanking them. Seems like all you moms have a lot of thinking to do. But most of all imagine how your child feels the moment your hand comes down on their ass. Imaging that all they are thinking is the same thing I thought, "How is it possible this person who claims to love me so much is hurting me right now, I thought you didn't hurt people you love."

I'm not sorry if this blog pisses anyone off. I'm only sorry for your kids. If I lose readers because I wrote this. Oh well.

1.09.2007

Sigh!!!

My son is sitting here on my nice clean couch shredding cheddar cheese and shoving it between his toes. SIGH! But I'm dying to relax for a second so I'm letting the little sucker get away with it. I'm a terrible person. Sorry if you come to my house and you leave with bits of cheese stuck to your ass.

Poor little rich girl

For most of my life I have been a name brand whore. Lucky, Big Star, Hardtail, Coach, Dooney, Steve Madden, these have always been my close personal friends. I'm pretty sure I have bought and paid for the house of the guy who owns Lucky and Coach. About 3 years ago I stopped being interested in name brands. Since, for the most part all I do is go to work and home I realized I wasn't really impressing anyone with my designer jeans, shoes, shirt, coat shoes and socks. This is true except for one thing.

PURSES! I am a firm believer that purses should in fact be either Coach or Dooney, but! mainly COACH. I got my first Coach when I got married as a wedding shower gift. It was their first limited edition patchwork bucket bag. It was beautiful. It still is. With its white and brown and red and cream patches. The purse really is amazing. Shortly after I received my first swing pack Coach that was also the limited edition patchwork, followed closely by the wallet and card case. For my birthday a year later I received the Limited edition holiday tweed and velvet satchel. That Christmas I received the Holiday patchwork gallery tote.

THEN! I had a baby. I packed away my purses after I noticed they were getting a little beat up. Also none of them had a strap that was long enough to cross over my chest. Toting around a kid was enough that I didn't want to have to tote around a purse. I complained for a full year about Coach not offering an across the body style of purse. I even emailed them to complain. Finally I bought a Dooney. Although they also didn't offer across the body straps they were water proof. To me this seemed like the best option since my kid loved to smear, spill, and stain anything he touched. The moment I bought that purse was bittersweet. I mean, ya I was getting a good purse and it was pretty but it wasn't Coach. All the sudden I felt like I was cheating on my friend. It was like I had cheated on my old comfortable loyal friend. How had this happened? How had I become someone who bought a purse based on function rather then style? Every time I look at the purse I feel a little wounded inside. I look at it and remember the carefree girl I used to be.

The Dooney is nice. I pull it out once in a while. If I want to impress a friend and prove that I am in fact a grown up who carries a purse. But for the most part it sits in my car in the backseat and does a great job holding my lip gloss and coin purse.

Then this morning I came to work and found THIS in my email. I'm at a loss for words. It is the purse I have dreamed of my entire life. It has a full strap. Its limited edition. Its pretty colors. AND it has a strap that goes across my chest. This is big time people.

Heres the catch.

There's always a catch.

I can't find one single reason why my husband will let me get this. The whole, Oh I have a new baby and need an easier purse novelty has worn off, since my NEW baby is now over a year, and after all I have managed to live a whole year with out an over the shoulder purse. Right? He won't understand all the times I suffered because I grabbed my wallet and ran into a store only to discover I needed something out of my purse or the bigger wallet in my purse. He can't understand going somewhere and feeling like a pauper because I'm in sweats with my hair looking like I haven't had indoor plumbing in a year, covered in baby goobers and knowing that if only I had carried in a nice purse everyone would instantly understand that I still lead a semi glamorous life. BUT since my purse doesn't have an across the body strap I don't carry it in. And then when I run into that one person that is carrying her lovely purse with her hair sprayed hair and diamonds and magnificent jeans I feel like shit because I can't show off my bigger, better, newer purse.

Now with this new purse I have a chance to right a wrong. I have a chance to go back to my loyal friend. I can beg for forgiveness for cheating on Coach and leaving them for a more functional purse. I only hope that my old friend is willing to forgive me and won't be sold out just to spite me.

So! I will probably just go buy the purse, hide it in my closet and then make a show of pulling it out in front of Rob and saying I guess I could use this old thing again.

1.08.2007

A major outburst

Sunday my friend Katie and her husband came over. They brought the game Outburst with them. I have never played before but I love games. I especially love Scatagories becuase you get to argue a lot during that one. If you don't know how outburst is played here are the basics. You get into two teams. Team one pulls a card and gives you a topic. Then there are 10 things listed relating to that topic. The other team has one minute to yell out answers and as many as you get is how many points you get. Sooooooo our first topic was something like things found in a classroom. so i say, school books, chalkboard, chairs, teachers, students and so on. i get told that i dont get points for chalkboard because the game says blackboard and i didn't get school books because it said spelling book and english book. OMGosh I wanted to kill my friend. She pulled out the directions and right there in bold print it says "Warning this game is NOT! fair". Eww I wanted to spit on my friend. However I retaliated and and didnt give her suntan lotion cuz she said sun screen, and ha ha I sure didn't let her have bathing suit because the game said swim suit.

After that night I now declare that Outburst is an awesome game, especially if you are kind of frustrated and need to find a release. I also recommend playing Scatagories on days that you are just looking to pick a fight.

I cooked dinner for two sets of friends this weekend and also made my mom sugar free, fat free, calorie chocolate muffins with pudding in them and chocolate cool whip frosting. I've done so many dishes this weekend that I think my fingers are permanently pruned. Now I told my uncle I would make him some of my secret special rice crispy treats and all I"m thinking is HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WITH OUT EATING HALF THE PAN? I'm already having a freaking breakdown because I just found a super ultra jumbo deluxe hersheys bar in my freezer. FIRST I love frozen chocolate. Second I looooove Hersheys bars. Third I'm on a diet and not being able to eat that is killing me. So what do ya'll think. Do I have a couple pieces and throw the bar away, throw the bar away un touched or have some and keep it for other dier needs? OR! do I eat the whole candy bar in the next hour?

1.06.2007

He's so cute He's so cute, He's so cute hey hey hey hey


For some reason he thought he needed to see how small of a cabinet he could fit in. Isn't he cute though. Totally obsessed with hiding in cabinets. He's so cute I'm going to forget he got in the refrigerator SOME HOW and took everything out and went running around with eggs in each hand!

Proof! I was SORTA! Cool. HEY! I said SORTA!


I was actually fashionable and I really did my hair people. REALLY!


Proof I haven't always worn granny panties


Orrrr maybe I have. Dammit!


Look I really was skinny before!


and! Apparently always high!

VERY QUICK ENTRY

HA HA HA EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND FARTS MY SON LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS EWWWWWW. HA! ITS GREAT.

Oh No She Didn't

Yesterday we were going to lunch with one of our suppliers at work to celebrate my moms birthday. She had my two nieces and their friend with them who are all between the ages of 13-15. I found my self crossed between embarrassed for them and embarrassed for me because I was once like them.

First! The makeup. One of the girls was already at my work when the other one got dropped off. Seriously faster then I could click send on my email they were locked in the bathroom glopping thick layers of black eye makeup on and gallons of shiny goopy lip gloss. It is extra amusing though because they still really have no clue about makeup so they do that thing where they use a BLACK! liner pencil and line the tops. AND. Bottoms of their eyes and then they smudge the top so they have that ultra sexy just got out of the pool runny raccoon eyes look that all the EMO boys find soooooo hot. This is the first time I realize just how old I'm getting. I realize this because the first words out of my mouth are, "Why do you need all that crap on your face? Wipe the crap off, you guys look weird!" Yeah, just call me grandma.

Then! I bring out Brandons new favorite CD which has that song from Madagascar, I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT and put it on the stereo. They immediately start dancing like they are at a techno club and closing their eyes and getting meaningful dance faces and ultra concentration looks on their faces. They are swirling their hands in the air and tilting their head to the side and trying with all their might to show off to the three older people in the room that they do in fact know how to dance REALLY! COOL!

Next! We all get into the car to go to Olive Garden and the three of them spend the whole car ride like this. "WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER" The extra best part about this is that the two sisters have a total of like 43 brothers and sisters. (Really I think there is 8 kids total) so they spend a lot of time talking shit about each other. I am actually very close with them because there was a period in their lives where they came and lived with my family and we helped raise them. Soooo. When I hear one of them telling me what a terrible bitch Sally is and how she sooo did this with this one guy and it was way gross and how I would never do that I have to laugh when I later have her in the back of my car kissing Sally's ass so bad I'm sure that her underwear must be stuck to her skin from all the gloopy lip gloss. Then it gets better. When she is like Sally can you believe that Emily told everyone you did this with that guy (wait I swear like an hour ago you were in my office and YOU were telling me that story not Emily. Ahhhhh the days of shit talking and ass kissing little kids.

Afterthat! We arrive at Olive Garden. First! they all three had to order the same drink (shirley temple) and then they ALL THREE just had to run off to pee together. Then they alllll had to order the exact same thing and then two of them made the other one feel bad because she actually finished her food and didn't just take a few dainty bites and declare that SHEWASSOFULL and might pop this very second.

But! Finally!! They are done with their meal declaring that the chicken tenders and fries were LIKE TOTALLY THE!BEST!EVER!DUDE!!! The little shits pull out their purses. The only purpose of a 15 year olds purse is to pack around pounds of makeup and their three dollars for buying more makeup at the mall, and of course their student ID and! THEIR BACKSEAT DRIVERS LICENSE!!! So they pull out their super hip American Eagle bags and dump loads of makeup on the table and! proceed to do each others makeup right there at the restaurant's table. As if this isn't mortifying enough for me they next pull out their FULL SIZE BRUSHES and begin to preen each other right there. There is hair flying and I'm going to vomit at the whole thought of it.

It was at this moment I realized it. I'm no longer hip! I want to shed a tear for my old high school dumb ass self. The one who was so confident in myself as long as I had my trusty GUESS purse strapped to my side at all times. The one who didn't care that my jeans were either four sizes to big or five sizes to small as long as they were a cool brand. The one who totally didn't understand that you don't wear skater shoes with sparkly dress up shirts. I am now a mom A.K.A. old fuddy duddy. I could feel the lameness swirling around me the way Tums swirl in my stomach when I eat something red.

Woe is me.

1.05.2007

In which my brain dribbles NOTHING!

I came home today and my house was spotless. But! Wait! Theres! More! HE VACUUMED PEOPLE. Whoah. I couldn't believe it. My husband is amazing. In the 5 years we have been together I think this is only the second time he has vacuumed. Then he even offered to give my son a bath. Am I dreaming here? It was amazing.

Are you jealous?

YOU SHOULD BE!!!!

I married a wonderful man!

On to other stuff. I went to the gym yesterday and upped my time to 40 minutes. Only problem is 20 minutes into it I was bored out of my mind. Not to mention the TV thingamajigy on my machine didn't work so I was left to listen to my music and people watch. Enter problem number two. There was no one at the gym so I couldn't even make fun of people to myself. GOSH! I'm working really hard at trying to sucker Stephanie to getting a membership at my gym and leaving hers in the dust. Only problem is she is UBER busy so she would probably never have the chance to go with me.

I have managed to go almost five days without a soda or bread and I'm kind of freaking out here. We went to the Olive Garden today and I didn't have a breadstick or pasta. Are you kidding me? NOT EVEN ONE BREADSTICK. BUT WAIT! Theres More! There were two bowls of croûtons brought to the table because everyone was fighting over them. TWO! as in, not one but two. One on each side of me. I wanted to jump right out the window, only, we were in a single story building so, really! I wouldn't have accomplished shit. Right! Then, yes! THEN! I noticed that they had added THREE, thats one more then the bowl of croûtons, THREE NEW FABULOUS DESERTS. One of them was a chocolate soufflé with chocolate sauce on the top set on top of a vanilla cream sauce with raspberry's next to it. Well fuck me! I only got to look at the deliciousness on the menu. No one at my damn table even had the decency to order it, eat it and declare it trash. There was some kind of apple cinnamon bread pudding stuff that looked like it would for sure be happiest in my belly and a new Lemon cake that looked so light and fluffy I'm sure I would have floated away just eating it. I HATE OLIVE GARDEN! What a bunch of jerks. Oh wait I did notice AFTER I went there and was on their website that they offer gluten free dishes. Fat lot of good that did me as I sat there eating three bowls of salad because it said no where on the menu gluten free ANYTHING.

I came home and made some dinner. Since I'm counting calories I made some homemade Spanish style brown rice. It was actually pretty tasty for a low calorie dish. I guess that is the good part about loving to cook. Diets aren't really all that bad when I'm creating some pretty good shit here.

My cousin Angelique is so funny. She is one of my two loyal blogger buddies who come read my blog daily and she's so cute because she messages me if I go more then a day with out blogging. To be perfectly honest it makes me feel special that someone wants to come read my mindless brain dribble.

Tomorrow Stephanie and I are supposed to workout. She is coming as a guest. I'm flipping the fuck out because she is super in shape and all I RUN 5 MILES and I'm all RUN, WHAT? ARE WE RUNNING AFTER THE ICE CREAM TRUCK? There are only a few times in life I run. When I hear my son cry. When I'm scared. When I'm on the other side of my work and the phone rings and when someone yells FREE CHOCOLATE FOR THE FAT GIRLS. The gym, however under no circumstances counts as a situation where I feel it is necessary to run. I prefer my lovely low impact elliptical machine. I work out on there and almost break a sweat and feel like I'm getting totally fit! Go me! But! then some skinnny litte chic gets on the treadmill and starts running at full speed like a champ and all I'm thinking is, "Is this bitch here just to show off her cute little body and get compliments when she complains about her invisible cellulite and fake flab1" Don't even get me started on the weights. A couple weeks ago someone actually laughed at me when I set the machine to my measly 30 lbs. HE LAUGHED! I wanted to cry. Instead I just rushed home and ate some ice cream.

I'm done now. This blog is boring and uninteresting and has no real direction. I'm out people.

Things my husband does to make me swoon V3.0.21

This week Rob has been spending a lot of time home with Brandon. The first way that you can tell is the fact that every single toy my son owns is somewhere on the floor in my house. When I got home last night I was a little frustrated to say the least at the huge disaster in my house. However. This morning when I went into Brandon's room and saw those two I almost cried. Rob was curled up in Brandons crib (which we converted to a day bed) and Brandon was in there too with his cup of milk jumping up and down and they were both watching Ice Age I almost melted. It was sooooo cute seeing them hang out together like best buds. I loved it. Later Told me that Brandon grabbed his hand and took him in his room and pointed at his toy box until Rob opened it. Then he took out each toy and played with it. Sooo cute. After that I didn't care about the mess one bit. In fact I hoped to see that mess every day.

1.02.2007

I'm thinking why the fuck am I on a diet again?

Have you ever noticed when you are on a diet all you think about is food? When you are not on a diet you eat whenever you want. If your hungry you eat, if your not hungry but something looks good you eat, if your stuffed but someone brings you Krispy Kremes you eat. But then you go on a diet. Suddenly you have to count calories and eat three full meals and X amount of snacks. So of course when you can't eat all you want to do is eat. You sit there counting the minutes until you can eat again and asking yourself "Am I hungry yet? How bout now? Nowwwwwwww?"

Then all that diet shit happens where they (the diet gurus) are like "only eat when you are hungry." Or "when you want to eat something to eat ask yourself why you want to eat it? Do you want to eat it because your hungry or because your bored? Measure your hunger and ask yourself if you really need to eat or if you just want to."

OKAY so I want to go into the kitchen right now and have some chocolate ice cream. Hmm How hungry am I? Ummmm well theres always room for chocolate right? Okay, am I hungry or bored? Well like I said I just want some chocolate so who cares if I'm hungry. Do I really need to eat this? OMG FUCKING DIET PEOPLE I JUST WANT SOME GODDAMN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WHY ARE YOU HASSLING ME ALL FUCKING DAY OVER SOME FUCKING ICE CREAM. WHO CARES IF I WANT IT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Fuck! Dieting would be easy if there weren't so many rules you know. I mean do they have to make you hate it? Seriously if dieting were fun and not all crazy competitive and full of rules that are way to easy to break then maybe more people would do it.

You know the worst time to diet? The week before your period. I've never had so much trouble with a diet in my life as I do the week before my period. I'm like, okay so how much chocolate can I have on 1200 calories. If I skip breakfast and dinner then I can have approximately 10 bowls of ice cream or two bowls 2 really big bowls. or like 10 hersheys kisses. Maybe I could have a bowl of ice cream with five hersheys kisses, one tablespoon of caramel, two teaspoons of chocolate syrup, 1.5 tablespoons of sprinkles, 3 teaspoons of peanut butter, one kitchen sink, and so on.

But really now! Whose idea was it for me to go on a fucking diet. Please be warned that there will be about thirtykajillionbillion posts from me whining about how much I hate diets and miss chocolate. Good luck readers.

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