Only because I am pregnant is it okay that my son is rolling things down my belly, stuffing things between my belly and my boobs and getting excited they stay, and balancing stuff on top of my belly! This better not continue after I have the baby!
So Brandon and I are sitting here eating some lunch. He is of course eating roni and cheese with bud der! I was eating this tastey little Green Giant steamer meal. It came with sugar snap peas, edamame, carrots and black beans all in a light butter sauce. Anyway we are eating and I offer him some carrot. He says "No orange, roni cheese." Okay so I eat a little longer and I offer him a green (edamame) and I get no again. Then he looks right at my plate sticks his finger up to my black beans and declares loudly POO POO? I nearly died because I realized that to him those must really look like poo poo. Sooo I'm guessing it is safe to say we won't be eating beans any time soon!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 1:41 PM
So I was just asked about naming my kids. The question was, did you pick a name first or wait until you saw the child to put a name with them? My answer is sooo going to irritate some of my pregnant friends right now but it's okay they will still love me tomorrow.
I am a firm believer of finding out the sex of the baby while you are pregnant. Now although I have to find out because curiosity and the cat you know, I have another totally valid reason for wanting to know.
When I was pregnant with Brandon one of the common things I started hearing is that babies are the same outside of your body as they are inside. This scared the living shit out of me since my son was never NEVER EVER KIND OF calm inside of me. Brandon was all kinds of nuts in there. I often joked that he was karate chopping me already in there. We went in for an ultrasound and here was this little person kicking and stomping with major fury and I knew I was in big shit trouble when this little guy came out. I started reading books and baby name websites and nothing really seemed right to me. Then I was reading Tommy Lee's (hubba hubba) autobiography and he was talking about his tattoos. He has these ones on his wrists with his sons names Brandon and Dylen.
DING DING DING DING DING LIGHTBULB
Brandon. That was the name. I mean hello if the bad ass of all bad asses had named his son Brandon it had to be a pretty bad ass name right. Aside from loving the name I started mentally scanning all the Brandons and the only two I came up with were my ex boyfriends little brother Brandon who was a total cutie and a closet bad ass and Brandon Taylor, this kid I went to school with, who was totally nuts and unique and independent. So I decided to try it out. I paid attention to the little man inside of me. I started calling him Brandon and I just knew that was the name for him. Brandon was set in stone. There was NOTHING that ANYONE could do to change his name!
Now two years later I have a son who is to say the least a complete bad ass, very independent and is literally walking around karate chopping everything in site. When he was two weeks old at the doctor they informed me, that I will never be the one making the decisions for this child, and that this little guy was already completly in control of my destiny. Well no shit sherlock. Sooo with Brandon it rang true, he is on the outside exactly as he was on the inside.
But the coolest part of all, is the day he came out, I felt like I already knew him. I had been talking to him and playing him his song that I came up totally based on his personality (Simple Man by Lyndard Skynard gotta be a bad ass to rock the Skynard) and I knew with out a doubt the choice was right. When he came out, it was like saying hi to someone who had been on vacation for nine months that I could only talk to via e-mail. I know now that if I had waited to find out he was a boy, or even found out but waited to name him, I wouldn't have had as great of a bond with him because I think the naming him part is what helped me talk to him and bond with him.
So now here I am I find myself pregnant with another little boy. This little boy so far is polar opposite from Brandon. He is quite, he moves only with a purpose or when he is extremely annoyed (ie when mom is squishing her belly to make him wiggle). He doesn't react to spicy food, but to ice cream instead. He has a mild temper but you have to really piss him off to see it come out (I'm thinking when Brandon steals his toy Brandon better get his ass out of the way fast or he's going to be hit with a death ray). Codi isn't a Lynard Skynard type of guy. I think he will be more artsy and a bit more quite. Codi is going to be like his momma. He is going to wear his heart on his sleeve, love easy and fall hard. Codis song from me, is the Pretenders I'll Stand by you. It's basically a song saying, hey I'm here for you I've been there before and what mom doesn't spend her whole life trying to tell her kids she was once in high school to and once even fell in love after three weeks and I'm just like you, only older and less cool now?
With Codi we went through a lot of names. Rob kept throwing names out and I would try them for a day. None of them were right. He said Stephen. I knew this kid wasn't a Stephen. Not by any means. That doesn't suit his personality one bit! We suggested Caleb and while that is a calm name, there is no hidden bad ass in Caleb. Because you see, while Codi might be a little calmer, this kid is still going to be a hidden bad ass. While I think Codi will be independent and stubborn in a totally different way from Brandon the Boss I also think Codi will let me call the shots a little longer and maybe try not to grow up quite as fast as his brother. Now, when this little guy comes out, I already feel so bonded with him that hopefully he will feel just like another one of my little buddies who was on vacation.
I am filled with curiosity about whether Codi will come out and I will feel instantly as though I already know the depths of his soul like I did with Brandon. The second I heard him cry I already knew him, I felt his soul and I knew he and I were going to be bonded together forever, even if it would be a long journey ahead with us both calling the shots.
Soooo. Long story short. This is how I name my kids. I can't imagine having them be born and looking at them for a few seconds and pretending to know who they are. This is why it is my own personal preference to find out the sex. If Brandon had been a girl, she would have needed some kind of incredible name to hold up to the personality she would have had. I never ever found a girl name for him probably because somehow I knew he wasn't a girl, and because I'm not sure there has ever been a girls name bad ass enough to stand up to the female version of my son.
So now it is your turn. How did you come up with names? Did you wait until they were born, decide based on what you like or what? Are there other methods? Did you simply go with a family name? This has all got me very interested.
Also this whole I versus Y business has been very fun for me. I'm especially amused that you all thought the I was girly but were scared to tell me! You are all silly, from now on, let it be known I can totally take the heat so let me know. If anything it will spark a good debate! But I have to ask since Swistle pointed it out are the names Eli and Levi considered girly to you too or would they be manly if they were Ely and Levy????????
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 5:57 AM
I forgot to mention something Brandon's pediatrician told me IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND THANK GOSH!!!!
No it is not because you didn't eat meat during your pregnancy that your son won't eat it IT IS BECAUSE MOST TODDLERS DON'T LIKE THE TEXTURE AND WILL JUST SPIT IT OUT!! Give him time he will eat it when it feels less weird in his mouth.
I would like to take a moment to say to my husband,
Ha ha (said in Simpsons voice)
I TOLD YOU SO
with a dash of
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:12 PM
So a few weeks ago we announced the babies name. His name will be Codi. The first thing my grandma did was write and say that names ending with an "I" are girly. I wasn't sure how she figured this but okay whatever. I told her I really didn't care, that names were getting so weird anymore that it wouldn't matter. Then an anonymous blogger leaves a comment saying the same thing. Now! I'm not changing the name, because like I said one of my kids is going to have an "i" in their name if it kills me. However, I just want an opinion on this, do people really think certain names are feminine or masculine based on the last letter of the name? This is sooo odd to me if it is true because really who made up these rules? Anyway I want your opinions. Is Codi really that girly? This is totally a curiosity thing like I said I won't change the name just curious.
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 2:07 PM
First of all let me start by saying that Codi now has a birth date. Codi Daniel will be born November 16th 2007 if all goes right and the OR is available that day! I know that it is 9 days early but the doctor assured me that the baby will be big enough plus we will do an ultrasound to double check. What he also said is that he would rather do it early because if I contract at all then I can hemorrhage or have other very serious problems from the bleeding and clotting early in the pregnancy.
Also I have an ultrasound scheduled for October 1st to see how Codi is growing and to make sure the blood isn't getting in his way! I gained too much weight for the doctors liking so to celebrate I ate some delicious chocolate. There isn't much I can do about my weight since I've only been allowed to walk as exercise for a month now, and lets be realistic, who is going to go walking when its 4000 degrees outside HMMMMMMMM! I have been eating pretty well and since I had just lost 30 lbs before getting pregnant I'm not even worried about losing weight again now that I know mentally I can do it!
Other then that Codi's heart was great. My blood pressure is still totally below what it should be so clearly that isn't a worry. I waddled over and pre-registered for the delivery and in a week I go take my glucose test.
All in all it was a good appointment. I go back in two weeks. 81 more days people 81 holy shit!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 10:43 AM
Brandon had his two year check up today. Lemme recap in bullets
- He moved up from the 3rd percentile in weight all the way to the 50th percentile! My child is now average! WOOH!
- His weight was 27 lbs and his height was 34" which means he grew 3" since November.
- The doctor was astonished he was potty training he said usually he doesn't even mention it until three.
- He was very impressed Brandon knew his colors and over 200 words, and was making sentences out of them.
- I asked what I should teach him next and he said nothing. He said in his opinion he was sick of parents forcing their kids to learn school stuff at such a young age. He said at two children should be concentrating on playing, making friends, and learning motor skills. He said that kindergarten used to teach kids manners and social skills and now it teaches them algebra. In his opinion unless Brandon showed interest in alphabets, numbers and so on, that I should not force him.
- I told him how Brandon will point to something and say "that" (whats that) and I would respond what it was, then he would repeat it with the object and color. Example, That? Thats a shirt Brandon, That yellow shirt. The doctor thought that was great that I was following his cues.
- I was told not to worry about him not eating much. He said around this age kids don't need as much food and can go almost a whole day with out food.
- He said kids eating only one food for a month was totally normal.
- He said from now on give Brandon two choices for everything, but keep in mind that usually the last thing you say is what they pick.
- I was told that kids rebelling and trying to assert themselves does not start in the teenage years but when they are two.
- He said that if parents could just accept that toddlers were going to try and show their assertiveness and individuality that parenting would be a lot easier.
- Brandon got one shot, one of the Hep ones, he was pissed.
- The doctor said his teeth are in excellent condition but to go ahead and start saving for braces now since his teeth are obviously crowded. I was just relived to know that at this point he already has enough saved for us to afford braces...phew.
- I was told to expect to see the ER this year for sure, and that head and leg bruises are super common and not to freak out!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:42 PM
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHANNON SHOPS UNSUPERVISED ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|Maternity Lace-Trim Jersey Camis #5096990020302 Only at Oldnavy.com||Moose Brown||L Regular||$14.50||1||$14.50|
| ||Maternity Velvet-Trim Waffle-Knit Henleys #5056790220003||Sunbeam||L||$19.50||1||$19.50|
| ||Maternity Embroidered Keyhole Tops #5267930120003 Only at Oldnavy.com||Scarab||L|| $24.50 |
| ||Maternity Waffle-Knit Lounge Pants #5096960120302 Only at Oldnavy.com||Coral Ice||L Regular||$19.50||1||$19.50|
| ||Maternity V-Neck Shells #4684900320004 Only at Oldnavy.com||White||XL|| $24.50 |
| ||Maternity V-Neck Shells #4684900220004 Only at Oldnavy.com||Black||XL|| $24.50 |
| ||Maternity Empire V-Neck Tops #5096490220003 Only at Oldnavy.com||Coral Ice||L||$14.50||1||$14.50|
| ||Maternity Hooded Wool-Blend Sweaters #5071900020003||Tan Heather||L||$39.50||1||$39.50|
| ||Maternity Roll-Over Active Pants #5097040020302 Only at Oldnavy.com||Black||L Regular|| $24.50 |
| ||Maternity Roll-Over Whipstitched Jeans #5096880020401 Only at Oldnavy.com||Medium Wash||XL Short||$34.50||1||$34.50|
| ||Maternity Low-Rise Button-Flap Pocket Jeans #5055490120004||Emerald Green||XL||$36.50||1||$36.50|
IN CASE YOUR WONDERING THE FUCKING TOTAL WAS $257.00 MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 4:05 PM
Some people were trying to wish my husband happy birthday. In case you thought you missed it, you should know his actual birthday is today Monday August 27th! HOWEVER this year he declared that instead of a birthday week he was getting a 9 day birthday. So that means his birthday lasted from Friday the 24th until Saturday September 1st. That gives you a whole entire week to tell him happy birthday if you want! Yeah, I've never claimed my husband wasn't spoiled. Also during his birthday week we have to do whatever he wants. This means that Friday he got to do an extra soft ball game and pick his after game snack, Saturday we had to wake up and go to breakfast, then go to a SuperBad guy movie, then go to a wing place for lunch. Then I had to make him his requested dinner since the sushi place he wanted to go was closed. Then I had to take him to the club and hang out and I HAD TO HAVE FUN! It also meant I couldn't complain when he wanted me to take him to Jack in the Box at 2:40am for tacos. I couldn't say anything when Rob, Lisa and Ginger were in the back seat shouting about tacos as if they were the funniest thing ever and saying over and over we want 62 tacos, 14 with light lettuce, 6 with no cheese, 4 with some meat, 5 of the ones with light lettuce have no tomatoes (none of this seemed funny to me at 3am). I bet it was really funny when we pulled up to the drive thru and Bernard waited until right when the window was rolled down to shout SUCK MY BALLLS, SUCK MY BALLS! There was also some sort of argument about who was buying the tacos because somehow Ginger only spent like $15.00 the whole night while the rest of us spent at the least $100.00. So then I had to hear Rob and Lisa trying to shout over Ginger, SHUT UP GINGER YOUR BUYING TACOS, WHATEVER GINGERS BUYING TACOS, TACOS GINGER WHATEVER GINGER TACOS! For the drive thru finale my cousin ordered just for her and Bernard, 8 tacos, 1 crispy chicken, 1- bacon double cheeseburger and a small fry then shouted at the cashier she needed more sauce MORE SAUCE MOOOREEEE SAUCE (for the record all that was eaten was the chicken sandwich since her husband was to busy puking to eat). It also meant I couldn't complain when he didn't get all his tacos (but Lisa got 8 somehow) and at 3:04am I had to take him to Jack in the Box a second time for 4 more tacos. And I really couldn't complain when he passed out on the way home and never ate the damn tacos. I couldn't complain either when we got home and Rob demanded Tylenol. Then got all upset because I had brought him rapid release Tylenol and not regular Tylenol! But most important, I couldn't even complain when he let out two of the longest, stinkiest beer farts ever! Then Sunday morning (noonthirty) when Rob finally dragged his ass out of bed I had to go to Truckee with him so he could get KFC (NV KFC's don't have hot wings on the menu). Don't worry he only ordered 42 fucking hot wings! I couldn't even complain when he wanted to eat his hot wings again for dinner either.
So now the big weekend is over and Lord only knows what kind of demands the shit head has in store for the remainder of his birthday week (9 days)! Also, I was kindly informed that this year on my birthday I could have the full day and have control of the remote for "most" of the day, and he would maybe think about not farting near me. He is such a gentlemen!
On a side note Lisa I wasn't sure you heard that Amber and Reggie broke up! Annnnd seriously people just to give you guys an idea of what I was hanging out with on Saturday night, my OLDER cousin took a shot of copper camel (dude sweetest easiest shot ever) and spent the next five minutes IN PUBLIC IN A VERY NICE PLACE wiping off her tongue with a fucking paper napkin! Damn we are a classy bunch!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 5:24 AM
The night started out so well and so cute! (Bernard wanted me to tell you all that the head band really made the whole outfit come together...he made sure to tell me this 43 different times in the night)
Can you tell which people in the house were drunk before we even left? If only I had zoomed in on how many times Lisa dumped Pink drink on her shirt!
At this point Rob is hot and takes off his shirt...Also the red is starting to come in to play....FYI when Robs face gets red he is getting drunk!
Dear Mandy! In case you are wondering how to tell when Lisa is mad...Give her at least five drinks, look at her wrong, have her husband mention something about gray hair and then HELLO welcome to MEAN NASTY LISA!!! She came out for about an hour last night giving us all nasty dirty looks and shooting us down with her death rays. Then we devised a super duper plan, we would pump her full of more liquor and all was well!
So drunk in fact, that as we were taking this picture he was swearing up and down that THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE CUTEST PICTURE EVER! Again people notice the red eyes! (around this time in the night Bernard started jumping up during random bad (bad says Bernard) songs, and putting his hand on my belly asking if Codi was moving. When I replied no Bernard would say good, your kid better not like this kind of music) So fucking random! This was also about the time Rob dragged me onto the dance floor (yeah lets see white girl, who is sober with a giant belly, can you guess how HOT my rhythm was, no really just guess how rockin I was, my favorite part was when I kept bumping into Rob and random people with my belly) anyway he gets all sentimental and grabs my belly on the dance floor and declares "I just love your pregnant belly babe, I really do, It's so sexy, I love you and your belly so much." (Sign number three you know when my husband is drunk, he starts overly declaring his love for me, and also trying to publicly make out with me!)
Then I kindly explained to him that the pregnant lady with the camera doesn't take no for an answer!
I guess they are trying to say 313 which is someones area code or something....They practiced this for about 4 minutes before picture time! Also the guy in the middle, Tim, he totally does not know the rules to hanging out with Shannon AND WOULD NOT STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME! Seriously he rubbed my shoulders and tried to hug me at least 4 damn times and was nearly crying about how thankful he was for the damn baseball tickets from the week before. He obviously doesn't know that you don't touch Shannon if you want to live!
The very first ever picture taken of me and Bernard..He thought this was a HUGE deal! It left him declaring for the rest of the night that this was the best picture taken in the history of man and that the whole world was going to be like DUDE ITS BERNARD AND SHANNON!!!! (background, until about a year ago Bernard and I were mortal enemies and usually just said mean horrible things to each other while kicking and punching each other, hence this photo being historic or something)
So Lisa's husband hates this guy I used to date because he was a piece of shit scumbag. Anyway This guy used to always give thumbs up and it would piss Bernard off soooooo bad. At this point in the night Rob and Lisa were super trashed and thought making thumbs up was THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
Still funny I guess (at this point Bernard was soooo mad at them he said maybe they should just go live together and have babies with stupid thumbs)!
Bordering on hilarious in their minds (at this point I was actually laughing so hard my belly was shaking and Bernard would freak out thinking I was hurting the baby and tell me that I had to stop laughing before I jiggled the baby out!)
Bernard was sooo pissed he tried to punch Rob about 4 different times (nooooo they weren't drunk at all hmmm)
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 10:45 AM
(THE GUY ON THE RIGHT THATS MY COUSIN LISA'S HUSBAND)
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 10:36 AM
- Ben and or Jerry- No explanation needed right ladies
- Emeril- Duh, this man would rock my world
- Dr. Rey-Lets see, have a couple babies then get boob lift, tummy tuck and thigh lift YES PLEASE
- Duncan Hines- I mean really, why not!
- The guy who owns the bagel shop down the street- Free bagels for life...Rob who?
- Any one of the Keebler elves- Little isn't so bad when they come with free cookies
- Steve Madden- Because I really need new sexy shoes
- Ronald McDonald- McFlurry for breakfast YES PLEASE
- Chester Cheeto- Sure why not let my sugar daddy support my sons Cheeto habit
- A fishin boat captain- So I could stop paying for my husbands sushi habit!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:34 PM
I make a lot of stupid mistakes while I type. I decided to point a few of them out to you so if you see them you know I'm not retarded I just make mistakes a lot.
- A lot of times you will see my sentence end with a 1. This isn't supposed to be there. That means my pinky finger got a little lazy with the shift key and I didn't hold it down enough to succeed in placing a (!) point there.
- That's werid. I do that one a bout a thousand times a day. No matter how many times I go back and retype it I can never seem to spell werid (see) werid (again see) weird the right way. I guess maybe this is just because I'm kind of werid!
- I type oyu instead of you. Why I do this I DON'T KNOW!
- I often start a new word before I finish my last. IE I would typel ike this
- I type the first letter of the spelling of a number instead of a number. This means you often see, I have f apples instead of 5. I also do this often with n for 9. I do the reverse too with 9. Often I write this is 9eat!
- I have had to actually concentrate and go back and edit to make all my damn I's capitalized.
- I don't know how to spell definitaly to save my life. Definitly? Defiinetly? Dammit how do you spell this fucking word! The worst part is I'm usually so far off spell check doesn't even know how to help me.
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:34 AM
So back to the potty training bit. We've got the whole pee pee in the potty thing down great! Now, NOW if only I could get my son to stop pooping in his undies then pulling his shorts off and flinging tiny balls of poop ALL OVER MY DAMN HOUSE!!!!!!! He totally gets that the poopoo goes in the toilet, and he tries to carry it in there after he does it and most mornings he will actually go sit in there for a good ten minutes and take a dump. However it is the six o'clock at night poop we are having the problem with. This is when he's far to busy playing to stop and poop so he just poops while playing. This also means that if he does try and make it to the bathroom mid poop the entire bathroom will then be smeared with poop. You can see which side of the toilet seat he climbed up on, which side of the bath he leaned on, where on the bathroom rug he sat down and so on. Yeah I do a lot of washing now!
ALSO! When he has to pee now he simply pulls down his pants and runs to the bathroom. SOOOOOO that means when I'm at Old Navy shopping with him and he does this in front of three very snobby women and then takes off running across Old Navy with his dangle flopping about everywhere I get a few dirty looks. But what it really means, is the third time he does this in the same Old Navy trips I get more then a few dirty looks and also cause one little boy to ask his mommy why that little boy gets to be naked and he doesn't! Lovely!
Finally. How do I get him to stop exclaiming Mommy Poopoo every time I go potty. It isn't so bad unless we are at the store and he announces in a public restroom, mommy poopoo followed by me flushing and him saying bye bye poopoo bye bye...mommy did it, mommy poopoo toilet. Yeah any assvice you can give me on how to make him stop doing that would be great. Duct tape perhaps?
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:23 AM
Since I've been blogging I've come across the question, "Why do you blog?" I've never really known how to answer that. I blogged out of boredom, to be funny, to show off my son and so on.
Until yesterday I never had a real heart felt answer to that. When I started blogging the first people I shared it with, were the real people in my life. My moms response was to grammar check it and then tell me that I shouldn't have said the things I said about myself because it could cause me to have a bad image. She was off the list. The first time my friends read it they didn't get it and told me I was strange. They were off the list. The first time my uncle read it, he waged world war three on me because of this post. He was off the list. I had a few readers but I really wanted more. I didn't know how to get them so I just kept writing what was on my mind, and reading other blogs and commenting.
Yesterday I wrote this post. I had a dream that I put my unborn child in an oven. Rather then being any kind of logical I immediately thought I had just predicted my childs death and cremation. YES I'm all kinds of crazy I know. The first thing I did after that dream was write about it. I wrote about the dream, and also how I had been secretly fearing my child would die all along. I finally dragged myself out of the house and went to work. My mind was in a horrible place. I was ready to call my doctor and began wondering if I should be medicated to make me stop freaking out. Finally at work I broke down. I told my my and the other girl in my office. Their response was that I needed to stop stressing so I didn't hurt the baby. Then they said I couldn't think that way or the baby would think I didn't want him. Mmmhmm that is just what I wanted to hear. I turned away from them and checked my email. The first thing I found were reassuring comments from my blog friends. Then next thing I found was a comment from Patty. This woman I had never even meant before took the time to not only reply to me, not only reassure me, but to actually Google my dream and explain it to me. I was stunned. I mean yeah I had spent time Googling things for blogger friends before, but I never expected someone to say just the right thing at just the right time for me. As the day wore on I received e-mails and comments galore. What stood out to me though was that not one of them said what I was feeling was wrong or bad. In fact everyone just said, they understood, it was okay. They showed me the rational side, they made me laugh, they agreed and sympathized and so on. By the end of the day I felt like these people who had never met me had come together and picked me up in a giant hug and carried me around in their love all day.
So you ask why I blog. Here is why:
Because no matter what at any point of the day there will always be,
- One person to comment and say what you feel is right
- One person to say that everything is going to be fine
- One person to show you the rational side of things
- One person to laugh with you
- One person to help you figure out what needs figuring out
- One person to offer a hug
- One person to explain things to your dumb ass
- One person who can relate
- One person to empathize
- One person to sympathize
- One person to make you laugh
- One person who did it worse then you
- One person who tells you no matter what you write, they still love you.
I blog becuase I know that if tomorrow I want to write about a huge pimple on my ass I can and I will get the following responses:
- 5 People with a bigger pimple on their ass then me
- 2 people who have two pimples on their ass
- 3 people with the perfect potion for getting pimples off your ass
- 4 people with tips on how to squish a pimple on your ass
- 7 people who will laugh about the pimple on my ass
- 6 people to let me know a pimple on my ass is small considering I'm about to have a beautiful little boy
- and 10 people who want to see a picture of the pimple on my ass.
So this is why I blog. I blog because now I know, that no matter what I have this whole web connection to people who are willing to pick me up and hug me at a moments notice.
So for those of you who just started out, or who have been blogging for a while and maybe you aren't getting the comment load you want, just wait, some day when you need them most, the comments will come flooding in and it will all make sense.
NO I don't have a pimple on my ass, and no you can't see it, and you over there..yeah you, please stop dreaming about my yummy pimple covered bright white cottage cheese ass....these goodies are reserved for my husband baby!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 5:29 AM
I had a dream last night. I'm going to tell as much of it as I can remember first then I'll tell you my totally fucked up way of interpreting it.
In this dream I was holding a little baby. I had the oven preheated and for reasons I can not remember for the life of me I had to put my child in the oven. Something in the dream kept telling me it was best and it was the right thing to do. So I pulled out the oven rack and put my little baby on the rack and he started screaming from pain and wiggling and I had to shove him in and close it real fast. I walked away and went into the bedroom with Rob to sit and wait. I was relieved the baby wasn't crying but then right when I started feeling relief we heard screams. Rob went to get the baby and I kept pleading with him that it was what we had to do, we had to leave him there, even though the whole time I wanted him out. It right at this time that I woke up thinking what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.
My first thought was that it was Brandon. But then I realized this may have been my very first dream about Codi. I'm mad now that I couldn't make my mind look more at the baby so I could see if it was Codi. What really upsets me about this dream aside from the sheer horror of it that won't go away, is how I interpreted it. Since I went to the hospital I kept feeling like I am going to lose Codi. Either before he's born or right after, like shortly after. Now I'm wondering if this wasn't my bodies way of agreeing with me and if the oven didn't symbolize me having to cremate my little son. I have always had major issues with cremation because my dad was cremated. Because of that I kept having these horrible visuals of burning the body of someone you love. I always freaked out until I had a kid. Then I knew I could never bury my son if he died because he needed to still be at home with me as that was all he had known. I knew also that if I were to lose Codi now, I would do the same. So now, all I can think is it was a premonition of sorts telling me I'm going to have to cremate this child and I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND PEOPLE. I feel as if him screaming and us wanting him out is because we didn't want to let him go and believe he was gone but I knew in the end we had to do it because it was the better place. The problem is that now I'm stuck with images of my screaming child in the fucking oven and I can't get them out of my mind. I don't even have to close my eyes they are just floating there in front of me.
I just want this to go away. I hate this dream. Why would I have such a horrific dream if it wasn't meant to symbolize anything? I have so many other things that are happening that keep telling me I won't have this kid, like he hasn't hiccuped yet. Brandon hiccuped at least 5-6 times a day. All I keep thinking is the lack of hiccups mean my baby isn't even trying to learn to breath.
Seriously people, I never entirely let you in on my crazy but dude....this is a shit storm of crazy and I just want it gone. The worst part is my husband was out of town and I couldn't even wake up and tell him!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:26 AM
My mother just came in and read my last post and asked why on earth I haven't posted about the time she called the cops on my cousin and I yet. Soooo fine here!
I present to you THE SEVEN HOUR DAY!
One morning Lisa and I get this brilliant idea that we are going to ride our bikes over to Gingers neighborhood. This is because Gingers neighborhood had ALL THE GUYS. So we go over an somehow wander over to Scotts house to hang out with him and Tom. Debbie and Ginger are there with us. To be brief I'll just tell you a few tidbits from this day. First, I hadn't yet kissed a boy. This meant everyone in the room proceeded to try and teach me. So first we had Debbie, trying to show me on her hand. This leads to all of us girls now semi practicing making out with our hands in little fists.
After this we do other stupid things like try and get the guys to kiss us, or try and get them to write on our stomachs (because then OMG they like totally touched me.) and on and on and on. We also stole their hat because it had their sweat in it. Took the barrettes they had to wear at dinner (this was during the long hair grunge phase).
Anyway about five hours had passed when my pager started going off. WELL we weren't exactly supposed to be hanging out with these boys so we brought our bikes in and hid them. Now sensing we were in huge ass trouble we stayed locked in their room and banned Debbie and Ginger from leaving as my mom would surely get it out of them where we were.
The next thing we know my mom is driving down the street. So now like a bunch of retards we start over exageratedly ducking down behind the windows like OMG she is going to see us! After about 7 hours we decide we better go home. As we are riding home the Washoe County Sherrifs pull up next to us. Seems my mom had called the cops on us at this point (fyi I wasn't older then 13). They followed behind us as we peddled up to my house in shame. The next thing we knew they had our backs against the wall and they just screamed and screamed and screamed at us.
Yeah we were in trouble. After that we got grounded. This is where the fun began. We were forbidden to speak so we would send letters. They would be depressing letters containging giant drawings of the #7 (for 7 hour day) or the words to Far Behind (or song for Tom and Scott), or other depressing woe is us shit. Thus started the daily letter writing segment in school. We would write letter after letter while we were in school. Mine would be like OMG Stephanie Delano is soo being a bitch today about Jeff Williamson (hahahaha Steph), and Lisa's would be like DUDE Shane totally looked at me today and....
I had my own teen line in my room so when Lisa would call me if my mom was there I would say, no thanks I don't need my carpets cleaned and hang up. Thank gosh my mom didn't know about *69 yet.
Also, I still have all of these letters, in date order in a binder! There was this girl that we hated named Britney because she dated Scott her code name was Britanica. So Lisa used to find stuff about encyclopedia Britanica and send it to me with the words SUCKS written all over it. I still have these too. I can't remember why but I have a nickel that Lisa sent me glued to a piece of paper also.
We also had code names for everyone else, and on the rare occasion we spoke their real name it had to be done with special accents so Tom was always referred to as Thomas Dale, Thomas Dale Henry, and you would have to know us to know the way we had to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME WE TALKED ABOUT HIM!
So you seee....really we are total morons! Our kids don't stand a chance!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 9:49 AM
When we were younger my cousin and I, aside from speaking our fabulous made up language had made up names. We preferred to tell guys we were about 4 years old then we were and also come up with different names. I was always Zoey and Lisa had a few names but finally settled on being called KC. To this day I still run into guys who call me Zoey and it is terribly embarrassing when they find out I lied and even more embarrassing for them that they believed me. Anyway one day we left a note for our grandma and signed our fictitious names. Well our grandmas husband couldn't read very well which means he translated Zoey and KC to Zoc and Kool Cat. From then on we had our new super cool names. We were so stupid that we would be like hey Kool Cat, yeah Zoc, and laugh about this shit in public like we were the funniest fuckers on the planet.
To continue showing off just how cool we are I'll go ahead and tell you, we used to take the phone from her house and carry it with us on the moped to where ever we were going so her brothers couldn't use it. On top of that we would pack cereal in a baggy, milk in another baggy and banana in another one. This means at any given time you would see us riding down the street with me on the back carrying cereal, milk, bananas, and a stolen skateboard with a phone cord dangling in the wind behind us. We would then get to our destination and plug in her uber cool phone covered in that neon glue they used to sell and call radio stations trying to win stuff. THEN we would call random people and exclaim...HI THIS IT DOTTY FROM FOX KIDS CLUB AND YOU'VE JUST WON A TRIP TO DISNEY LAND please go to 1398 Mill street to claim your prize today! Yes people actually got excited and yes they actually believed us.
Then as the night wore on it would turn to calling and ask people if their refrigerator was running...but dude, imagine our shock when one lady shouted back at us all happy and giddy YEAH ITS RUNNING DOWN THE STREET!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 9:26 AM
Yesterday my husband (who is Filipino) says babe can you make me chicken adobo tonight? I'm thinking ummm isn't that Mexican? He informs me there is a Filipino version. So I look it up and then he tells me, "my mom used to make it all the time, it's a favorite."
If your married there is one thing you should always know....YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT TASTE LIKE HIS MOTHERS!
So I make it, and it is simmering on the stove when he walks in he says, "mmm smells like home." I think I'm golden. then he goes to look at it and says, "It doesn't look the same as when mom makes it, yours is darker." Confidence shot down like a balloon my son just popped.
BUT THEN DUN DUN DUN He tastes it. He says, "Wow babe, it's so good, it taste JUST LIKE MOM."
Whuuuu. Did those words just come out of his mouth. No fucking way!
Then he says the following things:
It is delicious
It taste exactly like my mom made it
I am so happy I want you to make it all the time!
So of course I respond with YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR MOM RIGHT (his mom who thinks I'm a piece of shit and can't cook and can't clean a house and can't keep her son happy). He's like I'm going to E-mail right away!
As luck would have it, his dad calls right at that moment and I kind of pretend to walk out of listening distance when I hear the following:
DAD! Shannon made chicken adobo
No really dad it was good
It was amazing
Dad it tasted just like mammas it was that good
Tell mom about it dad, she didn't even use a real recipe she just went off what I said and then looked at a few things and made it up!
Ohhhhhh Yeah folks thats right you heard it here first I DID IT AS GOOD AS HIS MOM!!!!
Now since I have a job that bothers her. Then, since Rob LOVES to cook as much as me some nights I actually let him use the grill or deep fat fry himself some greeezy food. Because I let him do this (while still cooking a meal for Brandon and I) she says that I don't cook and her poor son has to cook for himself. Then for some odd reason she thinks I don't clean. Probably because I always have at least three things in my sink, ie spoon, coffee cup knife...that type of thing.
However this woman stopped cleaning when her kids were old enough to do it and hasn't done it since they left. Meaning if you go to her house you will find a coat of dust so thick behind her toilet seat or on her knick knacks that they aren't even cleanable. However, this weekend, although I'm still supposed to be taking it easy I did the following while cleaning my house: Cleaned every single door jam (including the little gold things that hooked my door to the wall), soaked all the stuff on the bathroom counter and scrubbed it till it was shiny, vacuumed every single edge of every wall in my house with the vacuum hose, scrubbed every bathroom counter, and every single thing on it, cleaned out our medicine cabinets, cleaned every single mirror in the house, took down anything decorative in my house and soaked it and scrubbed it, cleaned out both my fridge and freezer, washed every rug in my house, dusted under every electronic device, cleaned out my sons toy box, cleaned out the drawers in my coffee table, and then did the regular cleaning things. I do this normally when I clean. Yet she thinks I can't clean. She also thinks I don't know how to cook. Which is why the year before last when I made the best prime rib ever she was shocked, and stunned to say the least when her own husband ate 4ths and then left Reno forgetting his left overs and actually turned the car around to come get his left overs. It is also why this Christmas she tried to make one and ended up having to call me into the kitchen at the end to help her figure out why hers was over well done and not medium rare (duh the thermometer needs to be in it the whole time you can't just stick it in randomly for a second and get the right temp). It is also why her son before he met me had never had strawberry shortcake, a real chicken salad sandwich, and has never never had a REAL HOMEMADE TURKEY SANDWICH WITH LEFT OVER THANKSGIVING TURKEY!!!!!!! Yeah let me tell you how much I blew his mind last year with that one...the boy ate no less then four of them in 2 days after tasting the goodness of a REAL turkey sandwich. She also used those preformed boxed taco shells, so you can imagine how much he loves when I fry up corn tortillas and make him fresh taco shells.
So it is because of all this, that you have to understand why it means sooooo much to me when I heard that I did it as good as his mom, because my husband has his mom up on the biggest highest pedistool you ever saw. Sooooo I DID IT LIKE MOM DOES IT AHAHAHAHAHAH!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:06 AM
Here is the conversation that just happened.
Two year old runs into room looks right at me and says
Brandon: Tookie mom
Mom: What cookie
Brandon: Chocolate tookie
Mom: We don't have cookies
Brandon: (knowing full well I have a full box of fudge covered mint oreos at my desk says) Tookie MOM oweo chocolate tookie...he then grins opens his mouth as wide as possible and says oweo tookie mom ahhhhhhhhhhh as he opens his mouth again!!!!!!!!
HE MUST BE MY SON!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 3:07 PM
My son is potty training as you all know. Now. Since my son is BIG BOY he won't have anything to do with those dinky plastic fake toilets you buy for kids. NOOOO he wants to go "potty toilet" So we let him do that for a while and finally got him this tiny Elmo seat that fit over the big seat so he would quit dunking his asshole in the toilet water.
But since my son is all about monkey see monkey do, i.e. if I wear deodorant he wears deoderant, if I brush my teeth and use my hand to put water in my mouth so does he, if daddy wets his hair in the sink, guess whose head goes in the sink and if mom wears perfume you can bet your ass my son will come to work that day smelling like flowers and fruit! Soooo that also means that when he spends a whole weekend with his older cousins who don't use an Elmo seat that my son will now REFUSE to use the Elmo seat.
So now, not only are we dunking our ass back in the toilet bowl cuz he is so skinny, we are also shooting pee out from under the toilet seat right onto mommies cute pink seude flip flops!!!!!!!!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 2:22 PM
Heres the deal. A super secret friend of mine who would like to be known as Sassy, started this new blog. It's called the truth about.... Basically what happens is you go in and finish the ... So far hers have all been about work and the things co workers do to really piss you off. The fun thing about this blog is it is totally anonymous. What she has decided to do, is open up the blog to invite guest authors. You have to come up with your secret agent name to post. Since she wants to remain super secret you will leave your email in my comments and I will give them to her. PLEASE LEAVE THEM ANONYMOUSLY SO WE DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE! She will add your email and you will receive an invite and be granted permission to blog on the page. Soooo that means if you are having a shit bad day at work and want to secretly vent about that bitch ass ho in the cubicle next to you, you can do it and never have to worry about your job finding out.
The rules are as follows:
All posts will start out with POSTED BY: and your secret agent name
The title shall go as follows: ...and the thing you are telling the truth about..you can see examples from what she has already put up
Cussing is totally allowed.
No real names not even of the people you are writing about
If at any time you figure out who another blogger is you are required to shut your mouth and not out them
After the blog gets up and running you can fill in the blank about anything. It doesn't even have to be about work. Since its totally anonymous you can post the truth about anything, boyfriends, friends, any big juicy secrets you have you can post totally secret and no one can ever vet mad since we don't know who you or the person you are talking about is.
My super secret friend and I think this is going to be great fun. So head over HERE and check out our new little game. Remember if your interested you can simply leave me your email and we will invite you.
NOW PLEASE BE ADVISED. Once you submit your email, in order to sign in you will need a google blogger account. IF the email you send me is connected to your regular blog your secret agent cover will be blown. So if you want to remain ultra mega anonymous then create a second google account with only your secret agent name and a different email that isn't connected to your regular blog GOT IT!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:02 AM
So! Jen and I just started talking again about 8 months ago. We knew each other in high school but we never knew each other well because we were all to caught up in the gossip of life to actually KNOW people! So now as we get to know each other we have found the oddest similarities. Here they are:
- Our bedrooms were (until last week when she redid hers) the same color scheme, a kinda tealish blueish color, and browns.
- We drive the same EXACT care, same year and features and everything
- We are both almost the same far along in our pregnancies
- We are both having boys
- Both our kids will probably have names that start with "C"
- We both type on little white Mac Books
- We both prefer to shop at the organic stores and cook fresh meals
- We are registered for the same stroller
- We both have bent pinkies
- Our moms so far seem like the same person just split in two
- We were both ultra spoiled
- We both still are
- We both married non confrontational guys
- We both have cats
- We both had out door weddings
- We both have a thing with bags!!!!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:07 AM
Rewewol! That is what Brandon is repeating to me OVER AND OVER AND OVER! What in the fuck is he telling me? He is getting sadder and sadder as he says it because I can't figure it out. On top of that he doesn't seem to want to point it out or take me to it either so I'm stuck here just trying to guess. Lets see, it is none of the following:
- Nothing on TV
It is so frustrating watching him try and tell me, and it's more frustrating because in return he doesn't understand me back when I say, Honey I don't know what you are telling me. Soooo we then spend the morning going back and forth not understanding a word the other one is saying!
Why don't these things come with little tiny translators who sit on their shoulder like a talking parrot hmmm?
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 5:59 AM
I just don't get it. Why on earth do people have Myspace accounts if they are just going to set them to private? It is fucking retarded. To use the excuse that you don't want people to know what you are doing is even more lame. If you don't want them to know THEN DON'T FUCKING WRITE IT, Right? But really, I don't get it. How much info can one person really have on their Myspace? It's like blogging, you either use a pseudo name or you just don't write what you don't want people to know? Sounds easy enough doesn't it? Quite frankly the private blogs get me irritated too. I think I'm so bothered by this because when you make the effort to find an old friend or something and then can't even check out their pictures to make sure it is really them, it really sucks that you even tried. Uggggg. Don't have a Myspace if you have soooo much to hide!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 5:48 AM
After my cousin read this mornings posts she reminded me of more stupid ass dumbshit things we did, such as:
- Before we would call any guy we would write down word for word a script of how the conversation was going to go, including variations if said guy didn't respond the way we wanted. This means most old notebooks of ours that you find have at least one page in them that start out like this...
- We used to create theme songs for the local pizzaria down the street from my house...then print them out, create dances and go perform them for the owner Dave (Shannon puts head in hands and shakes it in shame). One of them may or may not have been to the tune of Whoomp there it is. Ginger may or may not have been listed as our manager on one of those!
- We took an old cheerleading song that I used to love that went our boys are F-I-N-E fine on the L-I-N-E line and changed it to Tom is F-I-N-E fine in his Hanes underwear and I L-O-V-E love him all the T-I-M-E time....sigh
- We also used to walk down the street singing alright alright alright awesome awesome awesome (have to be a rah rah to know the tune)
- Also we may or may not have walked down the street randomly going EEEP AAAHH to make sure our voices still worked so in case we were kidnapped we could still scream.
- We made up the BOOK OF DARES and created different dares with different point values and tried to see who could get the most points. Some of the dares were, put night crawlers in grandmas hair brush, lock grandma out of the house, and so on.
- When we couldn't drive we tried to scheme ways of getting to see each other, such as me dressing up as a lost baby, putting me in a box and getting mailed to her house and hitching a ride. NICE!
- We used to make up dances and then make her brothers come out and judge us to see whose dance was better, we would lie and say she was doing mine and I was doing hers so they wouldn't be partial to whose dance they were picking.
- We used to have coloring contests. We had one the whole flight to Louisiana one time.
- Once in Louisiana we made a code to tell each other if we liked the other cousin we were meeting or not, It was a thumbs up or thumbs down...real incognito
- We used to speak in a secret Kong language
- We used to try and convince these dumbass girls in Truckee that we were twins so we made up a routine when we saw them (they were twins) we would say hi (wave) whats up (point up) then say not wearing the same thing (while wiggling finger back and forth) I (point to our eye) see (making a C with our hands) and walk off. They would stare at us amazed that we could do that.
- Try and cook with out a recipe and then make her brothers eat our magic cookies. Mine always had about four teaspoons of salt in them.
- The time Lisa decided to cut my hair and took about an inch round chunk of hair square on the top of my head and cut it one inch long. Then dumped a bottle of hair spray on my head, smooshed it down and tried to tell my mom it was there the whole time!
- There was the time in Louisiana when the neighbor boys wouldn't let us swim in their pool so we caught frogs under rocks and launched em over the fence into the boys pool while they were swimming.
- We used to dress up in adult clothes, go to department stores with clip boards and pretend like we were doing quality control.
- We tried to pay for meals with fake play money
- We used to go to stores, fill our baskets with school supplies then leave it all there on the floor and walk out.
- We used to paint pictures and walk around the neighborhood and try and sell them to people. Soon we got really crafty and would find weeds with flowers on them and glue those to paper and try and sell those too!
- We also may or may not have demolished my grandmas kitchen one time trying to make different concoctions out of every single condiment and then daring each other to eat them..I.E. ketchup covered ice cube dunked in chocolate sauce.
- We may have had a sip of rum and coke a a party for a doctor and pretended to be totally drunk!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 10:54 AM