First, run over here and check out how random my husband is being.

Look Swistle, way back when my baby had ear hats too!

I had some random thoughts today.

I hate going pee with a wet butt. You know like after you've been swimming or just out of the bath. I can't stand the feeling of a wet ass on a toilet seat.

Some time ago I discovered I love being in the bath tub while it fills up. However, I don't love when I get in, sit back and am rudely greeted by a fricking freezing bathtub wall. I spend a bunch of time splashing it with water trying to warm it up..I'm odd.

I think my cat likes my floors more the me.

I got Pergo instead of carpet because I couldn't live with the stains ANY MORE! I would rather swiffer until my fingers bled then ever clean up puke or chocoalte milk or macaroni off the carpet again!

I'm wondering how long it will be before someone eats shit on the new floors. I also wonder who will do it first.

Stephanie painted me this little angel for Christmas. It sits on my bookshelf in my living room. My husband today stuck his Giants Matt Williams bobble head next to the angel. He considers the Giants his personal angels or some shit. I think it looks ridiculous. He won't budge!

The night after they started installing the flooring Rob and I sat on the floor in the dining room to eat our dinner. I was wondering in my head if I farted what would happen. I thought maybe I would try it when Rob wasn't home, so I would know if it would make noise or not, since I DO NOT fart in front of Rob. The next thing I know a loud BRRRRAAAAPAPAPAAPP goes echoing through my house. Rob let out the loudest fart, however it was about 309 times louder since his ass cheeks were on the new floors. I will now never fart anywhere near the new floors as the whole fricking room echos now.

The other night I got a craving for Port of Subs. I sent my husband. I requested a sammy on white bread, with extra provalone, extra mayo, tomatoes and pepper. I got just that, only I got pepperocinnis instead of pepper. I scraped off the peppers but they had put so many on it turned my mayo lime green and I couldn't get the flavor out. Either way it was still delicious and I feel really bad for poor Jen who lives in a town with out Port of Subs!


Behold my nasty stained carpets before

Ewwww vomit stains

Seriously who puts cream color carpet in a house???? Assholes!

Ohhh barf linoleum..this shit just screams germs to me


yay no more puke carpet!!

Adios germs!



Yay look at my sexy floors

Ahhhhhhh germ free!!!!! The only thing that could make it better would be to have some accenting granite counters (coming soon) and possible all new stainless steel appliances!!

Beatiful floors....fucking tile counters. ick eww ick ptooey!

OMG no more carpet in my dining room. This means no more macaroni and chocolate milk stained floors. I think I just had an orgasm thinking about the greatness of it.

Living room now!


This week in pregnancy

  • My pregnancy tickers and calenders keep telling me that the babies movements should slow or have already slowed due to lack of space. My child however, is enjoying proving to me how defiant he already is by choosing instead to kick more frequently and harder! Jen blames this on the full moon. So great, my child is half man witch! Nice!
  • I've wrestled with announcing this on my blog, for fear of appear any less sexy then I am. But then I realized, I'M SO FULL OF SEXY that nothing I say could make you all love me less. Anyway is it just me or has wiping after you pee become one hell of a task? I mean really, my arms are just not long enough to reach around my big ass belly anymore. I think I need to install a little shower head by my toilet like they have at the hospital.
  • I think that if you are having a scheduled C-section you should be able to send a little message to your hips, HEY ASSHOLES YOU WON'T BE DELIVERING A BABY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SPLITTING APART!!!!! This shit hurts.
  • I am on a mission to devise some sort of "thing" I can do to my husband to make him as uncomfortable and miserable as me, with out actually hurting him or letting him know I was involved. I'm thinking driving into him full blast with my SUV and then rolling over him 4 or 5 more times. Then he would almost feel as glorious as I do right now!
  • Everyone, and I mean everyone keeps telling me how tired I look (fuck you very much for that). Their solution, "Shannon just get a little more rest okay, try and sleep at night." WELL SHIT! Why didn't I think of that. Sleeping at night never occurred to me. So here, tonight, just for me, please strap a watermelon to your head. Invite your brand new kitten to sleep with you (they will poke you and bug you about as much as a two year old), try sleeping on only one side, jam a nail into your lower spine, and have someone pull one of your legs all the way to the left and some one pull all the way to the right, and then really, JUST TRY AND GET A LITTLE REST!
  • Telling me how great I look over and over and over, only to see me turn to the side and then exclaim OMG YOU ARE HUGE, I MEAN REALLY HUGE, I MEAN YOUR BELLY IS JUST LIKE POWWWW HUGE RIGHT IN YOU FACE, is not considered nice and doesn't make me happy!
  • I haven't been able to see my bikini line in a few months now, I can't even see it in the mirror. I am afraid of what is happening down thee. Sadly even my husband is afraid to look and give me an update.
  • The sex dreams have not slowed down. What a lovely little treat since I'm still not really allowed to have sex, and even if i was my husband is fuuuhreaked the fuck out about it all, so I'm left suffering through these amazing dreams with no end result for me. No wonder I'm so fucking grumpy huh I just need some ass!
  • It just occurred to me that with a nosy nosy two year old and an infant, and leaking boobs I MAY NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN! I need a moment to catch my breath. I am a Scorpio I NEED SEX!!!!
  • My husband is a Virgo, he is sooo not as sexual as me!
  • I've only developed one crush this pregnancy, on Justin Timberlake. This is by far better then the time I went 9 months with out sex and fell right in love with that kid on the Dell commercials, the lead singer of Eve 6 and the UPS man at my work.
  • Justin Timberlake. OH MY GOD HE IS LIKE SOOOO CUTE. And southern, and he sings, and dances, and has a great smile, and I heard he is great in bed. Dammit why didn't skinny Shannon get a chance to knock boots with him just once before getting married, knocked up and fat???
  • Knocked up and knocking boots are sooo not the same. Although the involve the same area one is obviously more enjoyable then the other...oddly enough on leads to the other too!
  • I need to pull my head out of the gutter.
  • My boobs are leaking. I love when my two year old cries and it makes my boobs leak. I love when they leak at work. And I love waking up feeling like I'm covered in a hot sticky mess and I got nothing good to show for it!
  • The guys who installed my new flooring yesterday so nicely left every single door open in my house. Ask me how many fucking flies I have in here now!

Oh and Christy. Reno sucks! Yes it is fucking snowing in September. We have a little saying here, wait five minutes and the weather will change. However the truth is, usually in five minutes our weather can change multiple times. I hate cold and snow therefor winter makes for a verrrrrry grumpy Shannon!

Isn't the first time supposed to hurt?

I finally caught up with everyone and figured out how to utilize my site meter thingy majig and see what stuff pulls up my name when Googled. I got my very first one and it was great. Apparently people find me if they simply Google

strapon dreemer


Dirty dirty little boys!


Don't worry I get it

Brandon and I are sharing a drumstick ice cream right now. The last piece of the extra yummy chocolate coating fell onto my leg. Brandon says I GET IT MOM. He picks it up shoves it in his mouth faster then I can say "give me back my chocolate" grins and says I get it huh! Geeeee thanks for sharing son.

Well isn't that sweet

My husband just said this to me:

"Don't worry dear, I promise not to plot against you with the boys for a few years, that way they will be old enough to run away!"

Well gee thanks dear!

But it is a good thing he is cute

Life with a two year old

  • Choglet nilp choglet nilp choglet nilp. Fine Brandon here is your milk. Nooooo mom shake it shake it. Mom skakes milk and hands it back...mmmmm I lika it choglet nilp.
  • Hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you (translation, hold me)
  • Help me help me help me. Can be said when he actually needs help OR can be said when I am trying to change him, or put him in the shopping cart, or generally doing anything he doesn't like. He starts screaming help me so it looks like I'm kidnapping him
  • Brandon turn off the TV. NO I turn off. Okay you turn off.
  • Okay lets put your shoes on. NO I put shoe on. Okay well put your socks on. NO I no lika sock. Fine no socks then. NO I put on sock. Okay well let me help you. NO I help you (translates to no I help me???). Fine do it yourself. I DO IT MOMMY I DO IT. Fine. Momma help me sock. Okay come here I'll help. NO I do it sock.
  • Miggy Mouse Miggy mouse I watch Miggy Mouse
  • Where papa. He's at work. Oooo papa wort. Where wabbit. He's on the TV. Where eyore? Where pooh? where Mramaw, where where where. For the love of God child I don't know where every damn person is every second of the day!
  • Show me show me. Now to the untrained ear you would think he means show him something. No this means he is going to show ME something but he doesn't understand saying show you yet so he says SHOW ME! Any time he wants something he says show me then grabs you and drags you to where he wants you then tells you loudly SIT DOWN CHAIR. You better sit your ass down too or all hell breaks loose!
  • Fwo up mommy Fwo up. This means mom, take this little teeny ass balloon and try not to push the baby out while you attempt to blow this shit up fast enough that I don't get impatient and begin jumping up and down mad.

Asshole nannies!

So yesterday my asshole nanny came to work. She is the lady who cleans our shop, and for some reason my son warships her so now she has become his at work nanny. It is helpful because I actually get work done while I'm there. However yesterday she let him stay up with out a nap until 5 fucking PM. Then kindly left him with me to deal with. So I'm stuck at home last night with a sleeping child at 5. I was super annoyed because I didn't think he would sleep until morning. I was right. At 5:45 he had a bad dream. The next thing I knew he was in a full melt down mode. For the first 35 minutes I think he was still half asleep and stuck in the dream so he was just going ape shit. Full on snot, booger, tear crying. Shaking, twitching and all around losing his Goddamn mind people. Finally he came out of the dream but was in a state of total over tiredness that he continued to scream for almost two more hours. Let me tell you how bad I wanted to kill someone, anyone at all yesterday. Well except for my son, because hell if I didn't feel so terrible for him.

Do you know how I know he was in a really bad way? Because I got so desperate I started doing irrational shit to make him happy. Including offering him oodles and oodles of chocolate. But people my son was so sad and upset and tired he turned down chocolate. I don't know what was more heartbreaking, his crying or that he didn't want chocolate. He didn't want milk, water, food, medicine, daddy, mama, papa or Elmo. Yeah we were in defcon 2 people, my son was pissed. Somehow I finally turned on Mickey Mouse (hate hate hate mouska mouska wtf is that shit) and he sort of calmed down. I finally went in to change his diaper and we turned Mermaid on in his room and laid down and the next thing I knew he was out.

Ohhh but it wasn't over. Around ten I found a little boy in my bed, and he only wanted me to cuddle him. Which meant laying on my right side (seering death pain, sleeping on right side while pregnant) and letting him sleep on my arm. So while I got zero sleep last night, he had a terrific night of sleep and woke up happy and chipper so I didn't mind. It actually felt good having him lay in bed with me and need me. As he gets older those moments where he needs his mommy are few and far between.

If that nanny comes in today though you can bet I'm going to give her a piece of my mind...I better wear ugly shoes so they don't get dirty when I put my foot up her ass!


Terms of endearment

First of all can I just tell you how annoying it is that Blogger doesn't do a spell check for your blog titles? I suck that bad that I need spell check for the 3-5 little words I post up there.

Anyway I've always been a pretty affectionate person when it comes to men. Meaning most men I speak to I refer to as hon, or dear or something. Now with my female friends this is quite different.

I just sent an email to a friend that started out with, hey ass munch. In my mind this is a very loving term. A few ways I refer to my dear dear friends.

Slut muffin
Skank bag
Bastard (Actually thats how Katie refers to me)
Jerk (usually what my cousin calls me, no wait, she calls me a jerkus)

You get the point. If you are blessed enough to be called one of these names, you should feel a warming sensation in your heart knowing how much I love you. If you are a girl and I refer to you as something like dear, or babe, well then you should know, things between you and, well, they just aren't that serious.

If you are a guy, you can tell you are really loved when I tell you something like, Hey Jason I think you have short mans syndrome. Or you are a whiny cry baby little fucker. Because you know the old saying, if I didn't pick on you anymore it means I don't like you anymore. Which is why when my husband gives me shit, or picks on me, or throws stuff at me, or shoots me with the kitchen sink sprayer, I can rest assured knowing that he still loves me dearly.

How about all of you. Do you have special terms of endearment for the people in your life? Are there things your husband does to show you he still cares? How about things you do to show you still care? Because honestly if I didn't call my cousin an asshole at least once I day, I think she would worry I had stopped loving her. And honestly if Stephanie didn't tell me I was a bitch at least once a week I would surely I must be doing something wrong, and that quite possibly I need to give her just a little more shit to reassure myself her and I are in good standing. And really if I didn't call my son a little shit at least 49985niner times a day he may think I've stopped loving him.

So let me have it. What are your favorite terms of endearment, and your favorite methods of showing love?????



Had my two week check up today and guess what?

I only gained two pounds! TWO! Go me. That makes me right on track with a pound a week...so what if I have an extra 15 pounds in there. To celebrate I had the rest of my tasty blackberry milk shake from Jack in the Box (seriously go get one right now)

I decided this week not to suck it in for my pictures so you can see my belly in all its glory.
Codi is measuring 33 weeks and the doctor says, "that is either because he is big, or because your a little on the, ummm short side." Short side huh. 5' 1" and 3/4 counts as short now. I thought that was cute height, but noooo now I'm short. Gee thanks.

I actually dressed really cute today. I woke up, took a shower with my apple body wash, put on my apple lotion and sprayed on my apple body spray. I headed to work and was promptly puked on by my two year old. All up in my braids and everything! Grrrr. So this was my new outfit! Luckily I was off today so it was okay if I wore it right!

Oh and Christy, I would totally throw on a night gown while I did my hair and make up, ceptin I don't do my hair and I NEVER wear makeup! Sooo I'm stuck struggling into my jeans with wet legs..thats the reason they wouldn't go on, because I was wet, not because I'm fat.

And I just realized the previous entry with the words, "I'm wet" are going to probably get me Googled for some really weird things. I wish I knew how to do that doohicky where I could see what pulled up my name when searched for in Google!

A real self esteem booster

When you just got out of the shower, and are still kind of wet and covered in lotion, trying to squeeze into your maternity jeans might not be the best thing for your self esteem!


Winter means


Because Emery made me Brave

Last week Emery so courageously spoke about the pimple she had in her nose. Which I found so shocking because I HAD THE SAME PIMPLE IN THE SAME PLACE! This week, I have a pimple on my ear. Actually it is right where my ear meets my head. It has been driving me nuts ALL DAMN DAY. And since I must pick at every little thing on my face I've been trying to pop it all day long. I finally succeeded just a second ago and that prompted me to come and ask all of you loyal blog readers where the strangest or most painful place that you've ever found a pimple is. Don't be shy, feel free to share!


Just to be clear, some of you have read my post down there about my terrific eating habits lately thinking I actually care what the doctor says. NOPE. Just to make it perfectly clear I don't give a flying shit what that doctor says, I'm going to eat, get fat and be merry. So what if I have to go back on my diet after. If you all remember I loved my diet and lost weight very good. Soooo bring on the ice cream people the doctor can kiss my white jiggly ass!!!!

To prove this point I just ate a nice healthy 1360 calorie lunch and I don't even feel bad about it!!!

Food food food

Hey ya'll tonight after 8 make sure to check out the tasty blog. I'm putting up pics of last nights snack/dinner.

Things that have been blowing my whole, hey I'm not going to gain any weight before my next doctors visit thing

  1. The box of double chocolate Pepperage Farm soft baked cookies on my counter.
  2. The blackberry milkshake I discovered at Jack In the Box last night (pure heaven)
  3. The bag of bagels on my counter
  4. The box of mini cheesecake bites in my refrigerator
  5. The taco bell that jumped in my car
  6. The McDonalds that also jumped in my car
  7. The visit to Williams Sonoma for cupcakes didn't help
  8. The 3 Almond Roca that I found in my cart at Target

I'm doing good huh? That doctors not going to be able to tell me I'm fat!


Yesterday I decided to take Brandon to the doctor. He's been throwing up about eleventy billion times a day for at least 4 weeks now. I know he isn't sick so I thought we would research acid reflux. Rob and I got him to the doctor awake this time and he played in the waiting room and even walked into the back like a big boy. Then he got on the scale with out having a full melt down and even let her take his temperature. However when we started walking toward the actual examining room he stopped cold in his tracks, looked at me and said,

"NO I get hurt."

Awww man it was the most heart wrenching thing I had ever heard. He knew that was where he got shots last time and he just broke my little heart.

I got him in the room and he actually let the doctor examine him with out crying (until the doctor started squishing his testicles but come on you would cry too right) and then I wanted to cry because my little boy was being so grown up.

In the end the doctor thinks that he does have acid reflux and gave us a months worth of samples for Previced to try and shrink his esophagus and stop the acid from boiling up. Hopefully this will help him, because as tired of throwing up he is, I'm just as tired of cleaning vomit off my carpet, bed, couch, body, and so on. Hope this helps the little guy!


For the love of gosh its finally over

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Gosh awful horrible Ju Ju Be arrived yesterday. When they said it was big, they really meant THIS BAG IS GOING TO WEIGH MORE THEN YOUR NEW BORN CHILD. Seriously its huge.

Bag from the side, doesn't seem huge in this picture but it is, also fabric seems like it would stain.

One enormous mother fucker. When I say this is big I mean big, to give you an idea it will not fit in the basket on my jeep jogging stroller, graco travel system stroller or ANY FUCKING STROLLER IN BABIES R US. I tried people, its that big of a bad mamajama

The inside of this thing was ridiculous. It had so many pockets they stopped being useful. There were pockets on the inside, the outside, the inside of the inside, pockets inside pockets and truthfully it looked like they just tried to see where they could shove a pocket. THEN! As if the bag itself wasn't awful enough the company is worse. I wan to return the bag, in fact I was going to exchange it for the Besmall bag until I read their policy. Turns out that in order to return the asshole bag I have to email the company and request a return approval number. Then ONCE I finally receive that I can put it on the outside of the box and send it back. They don't do exchanges. Instead I would have to order the new bag, thus carrying two balances on my card and then just wait around for the refund on the old bag. I have had it. I'm sending the bitch back and that company can suck it.

Finally I went back online and looked at the Fleurville sling tote. The first Goddamn bag I wanted from day one! I remembered there was a store here that sold them but they only had three in stock, a pink one, a black one and a light blue one. After much thought I realized that buying a simple plain blue bag would probably benefit me, as my husband is really not going to carry around a flowery foo foo bag. So I called the store and some young kid answered. I was looking at the bag online and asked what they cost in the store. He said $162.50. My exact response was, "are you fucking kidding me?" He laughed and asked why I said that. I told him that bag retails for $150.00 on Fleurvilles website. He said that since, they don't sell them regularly (I bought it from a gardening store ???) and since I caught them over pricing them he would take 30% off! I was like SCORE! That came out to $48.00 off making the bag, $122.00 with tax. That is far cheaper then had I bought it for $150.00 online and then had to pay shipping. You can bet your ass I ran right over and got it. The bag came with a bottle warmer, stroller straps, a shoulder strap and a changing pad. I threw out the bottle warmer and changing pad and I was set.

Later I went to target and found this cute little bag for $10.00 and decided it would work perfect as a medicine bag.

See! I put all the meds, thermometers and such in the bag along with a smaller trial size, baby wash and lotion. It worked out perfect and I even have room for more in there.

Then I wandered over the the baby isle of Target and discovered they now sell Skip Hop there. Skip hope created a brand called, Spark by Skip hop that is basically the same bags as their high end ones just a little cheaper. So this little diaper caddy was only $16.99 as opposed to the $30.00 normal one. In fact they sell the Skip Hop diaper bag for only $29.99 which if I liked that bag seems like a super deal.

I liked this little diaper caddy because it had a space on the left where I could store two rows of Codis teeny tiny newborn diapers and then a spot on the right where I could store Brandons super duper size 4 diapers. Then I can fold a pack of wipes in the middle along with the changing pad that came with it and snap the bag shut. I thought this was a great idea. This way if I'm ever just running into a store I can simply just grab this bag out instead of the full diaper bag and later when Brandon is out of diapers I can store Codi's diapers, wipes and medicines in here and have one small little pack to tote around with me. I really felt like a genius buying this.

Huh, what, newborns aren't really that small are they?

Let me get this straight, Codi's diaper is the size of my sausage hands.

BEHOLD THE BAG! See the nice neutral color, plus the plastic exterior that is so uber wipable (I think I made this word up) I wanted to spill stuff on it just for shits and giggles.

The mom pocket in front, has a pocket that is the perfect size for my wallet, then on that fits even my ultra over sized phone, plus a handy little carabeaner (spelled wrong, whatever you can figure out what I'm saying) hook for my keys. I packed the bag into two stores and I couldn't believe how easy it was to reach in and grab my wallet, phone or keys.

I used the pocket on the bag to pack an extra shirt for Brandon along with a juice and some snacks.

The interior of the bag has four simple pockets and a bottle pocket. I used one to pack two burp cloths, one for some bibs, one for hats and socks an the other is still open. Then I was able to fit in two full changes of clothes including pants, shirt and jacket.

Then I stuck in the diaper caddy and the medicine

It also came with tote straps stuck inside of it.

Stroller straps.

And finally the whole thing even zips shut!

I can't say enough about this bag. I just love it. I think I'm going to grow to love it even more as I have it. It fits perfect under a stroller and it wasn't to heavy to carry and i didn't get bothered by it going through the stores. It also has a very comfy shoulder strap on it. So this is my diaper bag recomendation!

Reminding me of that Boston song More then a Feeling

You know that feeling when someone lovingly sits there stroking your bladder? NO? What, you mean you've never had an 7 month old fetus inside of you stroking your bladder to the point where your either going to wet yourself or cry out in pain? Gee I envy you!



How is it, that last week my two year old son could manage to lock himself in the bathroom at work for a full 15 minutes screaming and crying and losing his mind until we could finally find something small enough to fit into the little hole in the door knob and unlock the door. Nothing we tried could get this kid to unlock the damn door.

However today when I'm at work with a full office and I go to the bathroom, he can somehow figure out how to unlock and open the door at least 43 times in the amount of time it takes me to pee? Please someone help me understand how he waited till I was the one naked on the toilet to figure out how to unlock the door and fling it wide open for the person in the office directly across from the toilet to see????????

Gee thanks son, I love for the world to try and watch my fumble around to wipe with my big ass belly and then struggle to pull up my maternity jeans.
Fuck I'm sexy.

A little S&M perhaps

Considering he is my kid, you would have to assume he would have a little bit of freak in him right?

You think so huh

My son walks into my office this morning holding in one hand an unopened pack of his favorite forks and spoons. In his other hand was a cup of chocolate pudding. It was 8:45 AM !
The first thing I try and figure out is how on earth he got into that secret compartment of the refrigerator door and found the pudding to begin with.

So I look at him and I say, "Chocolate pudding for breakfast huh?"

His response, "yes, I sink so!"

Well then!











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