I'm thinking why the fuck am I on a diet again?

Have you ever noticed when you are on a diet all you think about is food? When you are not on a diet you eat whenever you want. If your hungry you eat, if your not hungry but something looks good you eat, if your stuffed but someone brings you Krispy Kremes you eat. But then you go on a diet. Suddenly you have to count calories and eat three full meals and X amount of snacks. So of course when you can't eat all you want to do is eat. You sit there counting the minutes until you can eat again and asking yourself "Am I hungry yet? How bout now? Nowwwwwwww?"

Then all that diet shit happens where they (the diet gurus) are like "only eat when you are hungry." Or "when you want to eat something to eat ask yourself why you want to eat it? Do you want to eat it because your hungry or because your bored? Measure your hunger and ask yourself if you really need to eat or if you just want to."

OKAY so I want to go into the kitchen right now and have some chocolate ice cream. Hmm How hungry am I? Ummmm well theres always room for chocolate right? Okay, am I hungry or bored? Well like I said I just want some chocolate so who cares if I'm hungry. Do I really need to eat this? OMG FUCKING DIET PEOPLE I JUST WANT SOME GODDAMN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WHY ARE YOU HASSLING ME ALL FUCKING DAY OVER SOME FUCKING ICE CREAM. WHO CARES IF I WANT IT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Fuck! Dieting would be easy if there weren't so many rules you know. I mean do they have to make you hate it? Seriously if dieting were fun and not all crazy competitive and full of rules that are way to easy to break then maybe more people would do it.

You know the worst time to diet? The week before your period. I've never had so much trouble with a diet in my life as I do the week before my period. I'm like, okay so how much chocolate can I have on 1200 calories. If I skip breakfast and dinner then I can have approximately 10 bowls of ice cream or two bowls 2 really big bowls. or like 10 hersheys kisses. Maybe I could have a bowl of ice cream with five hersheys kisses, one tablespoon of caramel, two teaspoons of chocolate syrup, 1.5 tablespoons of sprinkles, 3 teaspoons of peanut butter, one kitchen sink, and so on.

But really now! Whose idea was it for me to go on a fucking diet. Please be warned that there will be about thirtykajillionbillion posts from me whining about how much I hate diets and miss chocolate. Good luck readers.

On my way...I hope

Good morning. Today is the first day of my new healthy eating go to the gym thingy. Its almost 1:00 and I'm doing pretty good as far as the eating thing goes. I'm not at all excited to go to the gym but I have to go or I have to do all the dishes tonight. I really hope that I can get back into going to the gym but I'm afraid that when Rob starts his new job next week our schedules won't allow me to go at the time I like to go. Things at work have been really difficult since Friday when I had it out with my boss. Feels like everyone here is walking on eggshells. I guess a lot of it is my fault because as you know I work for my mom and I guess that a big part of me really doesn't want to be here anymore. I really just want to go be home with Brandon. Don't get me wrong I don't think I could ever actually be a stay at home mom because I would be bored out of my mind but I really wouldn't mind working only 3 days a week. I guess between that and some other general work frustrations I haven't been the most fun person to work with. To be perfectly honest though I don't think any of us here in the office have been in the best spirits. There are so many difficult things going on here and so many things between my mom and I that it really just interferes with my work. Friday we got into a huge argument because she misunderstood a lot of things I said and made a lot of assumptions and it just exploded from there. I finally said a lot of things I had been trying to say for so long and that just added fuel to the fire. I don't know what I was supposed to do though. I go on being silent for so long because no matter what I say it somehow causes bigger problems that it is just easier for me to suffer in silence.

I've been really thinking strongly about having a second child and no matter what worries I have, the biggest worry I have is that I can't handle bringing a second child to work. It's already so hard to do with one I can't imagine bringing another one here. Yes! part of that is my fault because I refuse to put Brandon in day care but on the other hand thats my decision as a mom to make. I know its nice that they let me bring him here but they shouldn't remind me how nice it is every day. I feel like all day long all he hears is No, No , NO because he's always into something and it seems like everything here is stuff he can't touch. So now I'm left feeling like I can't have a second child because it wouldn't be fair to have two kids here. It is the worst feeling in the world to be 25 years old and have your parents control every single decision you make because you work for them. I can't leave because of insurance. I can't leave because I would have to put Brandon in day care. I can't leave because it would screw them because no one else here seems to do work like I do. I've left in the past and it turns into such a disaster at work and in the family. The biggest thing is that I don't want to deprive Brandon of his family because if I left that is what would happen, they would quit speaking to me. I just don't know what to do with myself. A lot of my diet troubles stem from my work issues and everything going on here. I just don't know what to do with myself here.

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