Things someone told me..

I shit you not, you all want to know why I'm so screwed up, here you go.

Things someone told me, and meant them.

  • When I was nine months pregnant running to walmart at 7 at night....You better be careful someone might kidnap you and cut out your baby and leave you for dead. Thanks for that one.
  • You better not leave your purse in the car, the whole world is fucked up so someone is going to steal it from you.
  • You know Armageddon is coming soon so you are going to see your son die.
  • Chocolate gives you pimples
  • Nothing lasts forever so don't get too attached to that husband of yours.
  • Your young, if you get divorced everyone will just think its normal since getting married young is something stupid kids do and adults laugh at.
  • Rub the Vicks on your sons back because it seeps in through his skin and thats how it works, NEVERMIND IT IS CALLED VAPOR RUB!
  • Writing on yourself in class is slutty, BUT cutting the ass out of your jeans is totally normal.
  • Its better to be a badass then to be liked.
  • Even if you just got a 60.00 dinner free, you shouldn't be happy because you could have gotten more.
  • My New Years resolution is to take no shit from anyone thats why I can be a bitch.
  • You fuck up everyones life you ever meet or get involved with (this was all brought on because I wouldn't go ask Ben Affleck for his signature while he was eating, since I thought this was very rude, Your welcome Ben)
  • You and your cousin are Cunts (this happened because we wanted to stop at garage sales before going to the company picnic)
  • I wish I had killed myself instead of your dad, that way you would care about me like you care about him.
  • Catholics are all fucked up, you shouldn't believe in God.
I'm going to have to stop now before I get more mentally fucked up then I already am.

Lets all go cliff jumping

I'm having a day! That bad kinda day. The kind of day where if someone doesn't stop me I'm going to jump off a cliff. Because, at the bottom of that cliff is chocolate, and chips, and salsa, and chocolate, and cookies, and pasta, and chocolate, and more chips, and bread, and sandwhiches, and Kit Kats, and Cheetos and crackers, and dip, and cream cheese and OOOOOO bagels, yeah, lots and lots of fluffy bagels with cream cheese, bagel shop cream cheese, not the cheap grocery store kind, but the creamy delicious bagel shop kind. I'm warning you all, I'll jump. Really. And I'll break my scale when I land!

The deaf mexican kindergartner

So I'm at work. This lady calls to accept a bid. She tells me that two people are going to pay for it and neither are going to pay me at the time of work. So I begin to tell her that we need some form of payment or deposit. She responds with this:


Hang on, give me a second to recover from the anger of reliving it.

Okay, took a few deep breaths. If I had chocolate I would be scarfing it down so fast you would just see a brown blur. Anyway Miss Holyier then now continued to speak to me as if I was a deaf Mexican kindergartener. No I'm not prejudice or anything, I just know from experience that a lot of dumb ass people think that if they speak louder and slower and LOUDER to non english speaking people they will somehow understand them better. I am always amused by this. This lady was speaking to me this way. As if speaking LOUDER and slowwwer was going to some how make her any less wrong and any less of a ho ass bitch.

Sorry, don't like to name call anymore but that just ruffles my fucking feathers. Who the fuck did this lady think she was? Hmmmm? Can you tell me where people get off talking like complete assholes to customer service people.

I proceeded to tell her V E R Y C A L M L Y that it wasn't necessary for her to speak to me like a child.


OHMYFUCKINGGOSH I have never wanted to beat someones ass so bad. I had to put her on hold and walk away from it.

To make matters worse I was told by my boss, to be nice because we need her money.

FUCK HER. She talked to me this way for a full 15 minutes. In the end I was right she was wrong and she can kiss my ass!

Lesson of the day, when you call someone, any business, or customer service person, or secretary BE FUCKING NICE TO THEM! PLEASE. THEY DON'T NEED YOUR SHITTY ASS ATTITUDE. GOT IT?


BE NICE!!!!!!!!

Rooting for the worst

Some thing have happened lately. Small things, but still, they are enough to make me realize that there are a few people in my life who are actually rooting for me to fail. All of the sudden last night everything became so clear. I realized that the few negative people I have left in my life are actually sitting there hoping, probably praying that I screw up motherhood, just so they can stand around and laugh, and then tell me how much better they would have done it, and list all of the things I do wrong. To be honost I think one of these people secretly keeps a list hidden somewhere of things I've done wrong as a mom, a big list, with bullets and sub sets and everything.

I don't understand anymore. Okay that isn't entirely true, because, I guess I have spent a few years of my life being like these people. I guess that was before I was enlightened or some equally dorky shit like that. I hate that I was this person. Now probably as karma I seem to be surrounded by those people.

You can tell these people a mile away. They are the ones always walking around telling you what you SHOULD DO! Then, shaking their heads as they walk away because you did what you wanted and not what they told you. You know, those people who think their way is the only right way, even if they have never taken a single piece of advice in their lives, because really they must KNOW EVERYTHING! It must be nice knowing everything. I can just imagine walking around and never wondering anything at all. What is the square root of 238948059243? I dunno but they do. Does 238948059243 even have a square root? Beats the shit out of me, but they know. Should I wear my hair up or down, is it okay if I wipe my ass back to front today, do you mind if I breath today, or do you know a better way of breathing. I mean really, something so simple I'm sure I'm somehow screwing up. Really, I was just sitting here wondering, hmmm how can I breath the right way. Before you know it, one of those people walks in and says, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!"

It is making me crazy. It is hurting my heart seeing all of these people waiting for me to fail. It was like this in high school. I had a family member tell my cousin and I that if we could graduate with out getting knocked up she would give us $500.00. Everyone else in the family thought it was a great deal, but me, I WAS PISSED. You aren't even giving me the chance to do the right thing, before you assume I'll do the wrong one.

You would be amazed at the things I do wrong, or have done wrong. Keep in mind none of these came from my husband.

  • I don't vacuum right. I didn't know there was a right or wrong way to vacuum. Actually what was said is that I vacuum very very well, however, I didn't vacuum in the order this person would have liked. In fact a major fight broke out because I chose to vacuum the right side of the couch before the left.
  • I don't sweep right. I like to hold the broom with my left hand on top and right hand on the bottom. This apparently IS VERY WRONG! Someone told me how I could do it better. (I'll stop typing now while you go pick up a broom, go ahead I know you are dying to see if you hold a broom the right or wrong way...go ahead, I'll wait.)
  • I don't mop right. Okay, wait, what was actually said is I don't use the right mop. I don't like those weird stringy mops that hold a shit load of germs and basically just swirl germs all over your kitchen floor. However, someone told me what mop would do it better then my super awesome swiffer that holds no previous yuckies in it.
  • I don't do dishes right. I prefer to use a scrubby brush not a nasty germ infested sponge. I like to let the water run while I do dishes so they are all clean and not sitting in nasty ass dirty water.
  • I don't parent right. Every single thing I am doing is wrong. Even if that person did the same thing yesterday, or even five minutes ago, now its wrong BECAUSE IT IS ME DOING IT. Every thing is going to cause my son to grow up and be an awful little boy and he is going to hate me for parenting so bad.
  • I want to believe in God. Yes, seriously. Someone has actually recently had the nerve to criticize me because I want to learn about prayer and believe in God and stuff like that. Even more so, I was criticized for wanting to have my son baptized....o wait, did I forget to mention, I was baptized. Yes I can see how I'm just doing this all wrong.
  • I was criticized for saying bless you to someone. Now, even though I have not always believed in God or religion, one thing about me is that I always took comfort knowing other people did, and knowing that if it made them happy to pray for me or bless me, then it made me happy. And, if God turned out to be real in the end, it couldn't hurt to have a few prayers tossed my way. So, even though I felt this way, before I figured out my thoughts on God, apparently others don't and they have the nerve to get mad when I say bless you. My bad, I guess I hope the devil does get your soul while you are sneezing.
  • I don't do my job right. Even though its been done this way for years, and its right, today its wrong because you don't understand it.
Have you ever noticed how if someone doesn't understand something then it suddenly becomes wrong? I don't understand math so you must be wrong. I don't understand religion so you must be wrong. Also, if you don't agree with someone then you are wrong. I choose to believe in God, that is wrong, you should only choose to believe in a higher spirit. I choose to believe in good in people, that is wrong and your purse is going to get stolen because you are stupid and Naive.

And also, while I'm on my soap box. Why do people feel the need to tell you to shut up? It is the rudest thing ever to say to a person. EVER! Also please stop saying it around my son, because I don't want him growing up and disrespecting people like you do. YOU know who you are!

This one is just for you Emery

A while ago Emery posted this blog. The blog itself isn't the important part, the important part is in the comments. So last night Emery, Brandon hadn't napped all day so he was being a huge grump. He finally passed out at around 4 and then woke back up at 6 right when we wanted him to be actually going to sleep. I tried to get him to eat some dinner and let me tell you about the insane fight we had. I put him in his chair and he started doing that thing where he arches his body to try and get out. Then he went into ugly cry. He started flailing his arms about like a crazy man. To tell you the truth I had to laugh at him because he was being so irrational about his high chair. Finally I thought hmmmmmm, maybe if I give him a bath he will settle down and eat. Soo I get him in the bath and he is having this great ole time. He was having a regular splash fest in there. Then it dawns on me. HEY! LIGHTBULB! I'll feed him in here. So I have Rob bring in his Spagehttios and I offer a bite. He opened his mouth right up and ate those Spaghettios like they were the best ones ever. Bite after bite after bite, I got my kid to eat by feeding him in the tub. After it happened. All I could do was think of you and the comments on your page! Ha ha ha.

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