Pregnancy neurosis week 51

I am sooo exhausted already. It was only 19 months ago that I was pregnant, wait thats when I had Brandon so lets see 19 + 9=...let me get the calculator, Okay so 28 months ago that I was pregnant. You would think I would remember this stuff. I sure don't. I don't remember being this tired so quick.

lose nose
memory loss

See that there, above. That is called a reminder list because as I was typing this I already forgot what I wanted to write and had to make myself a freaking reminder list. I left it there for all to see. So. About the hunger thing. I have already started waking up at 3AM starving. This used to be fine. I would smear some peanut butter on some bread have some milk and call it a night. NOW. Oh, now. Brandon is allergic to peanut butter which means I'm terrified to eat it. I'm allergic to bread which means I don't eat it. This means, I now have nothing to eat when I wake up starving. So this morning I woke up and got stuck with a glass of milk which did nothing for me. I suppose I could try to eat some string cheese possibly. The thing is it has to be something, quick, easy, filling, none crunchy, containing no, wheat, peanuts, gluten or soy. Lovely huh?

Hang on have to refer to my list because I've forgotten again....go ahead talk to yourself or something while I do that.

Right. The loss of my nose. So I'm in bed las night and I'm like I think my nose is stuffy. So I grabbed a tissue and went to wipe. Only problem is I couldn't remember what side of my face it was on. So I did the most logical thing. I wiped the right side, then I wiped the left side then I wanted to cry because I couldn't find it. So I laid there sniffling for a second, then thought wait the sniffles are coming from my nose, and thank gosh....I FOUND MY NOSE. For the rest of the night I kept reaching up and touching it to make sure it was still there.

On to memory loss (yes I already had to scroll up because I forgot again). Besides the little things I have been forgetting, like bringing breakfast to work, or things on my grocery list I made a very major Faux Paux this week. For the first time ever EVER! and in EVER!!!!!!! I double booked. Sunday driving home, I scheduled to hang out with Stephanie at 11:00. I scheduled to go to Target and get my nieces birthday present. Then, on about Wednesday I wrote Ging and asked if she wanted to get lunch, go grocery shopping and go to buy my nieces birthday present. I scheduled to meet Ging at 11:00 on Saturday. Today while emailing Steph she asked what we were doing Saturday. I said I was meeting Ginger at 11:00 but we could hang after that. Her response....

Well I thought we were meeting up at 11.

O shit!!! I felt like a big jerk ass. Not to mention since I'm so emotional, I visualized Stephanie heart broken like a sad little puppy when she wrote that back to me. I had to admit my dumb ass pregnant brains / toddler brains had actually forgotten. I HAD BECOME THAT FRIEND. I'm the friend who forgets their friends. SOB SOB CRY SNORT SNIFF SOB!!!!!

As mentioned in previous blogs THE DROOL IS BACK PEOPLE. So bad that I wake up on a soaking pillow and a face so wet you may as well dumped a cup of water on me. This leaves me scrounging around for a tissue or something to wipe it. Then I have to flip my pillow because it is so wet. Then it happens again and I don't know what to do because if I flip it, there is already older cold drool on the other side. Soooo, I just sit and pout till, well, not till I usually just pout until I pass out or get out of bed. YOU WOULD THINK, I mean really, you would think I would be smart enough to place some towels near my bed or something... No, not this girl. I would rather just pout and whine and cry and sob about it.

Exhaustion. Uggg. At approximately 3PM I become useless. I become so tired that all I do is get a headache and pout. Thus comes the moodyness. Last night I was supposed to bathe Brandon while Rob did dishes. I started to get tired. I was so tired, no FAMISHED. So I get Brandon undressed and let him run around the house. My thinking is Rob will see naked child, wife on couch and think, maybe he should bathe Brandon. Nope. Instead he says "Why isn't he in the bath yet?" I am now furious. I explain about how tired I am and ponder why he can't do it. I now begin the biggest case of pouting you ever saw. So he agrees to bathe the child and do the dishes. NOW I'm FURIOUS! I'm upset because he has made me feel bad and like a lazy good for nothing who is only barely pregnant and already being all "poor me i'm so whiney and whahhwahhhwahh blubber blubber blubber!" So, I pick my ass up off the couch and shuffle to the bathroom and say I'll do the dishes. He says no. So I start doing them and he says NO! I sit on the couch now, pouting because I got told no. He then brings Brandon out in his bathrobe. Now I'm pissed he didn't lotion him and dress him. So I huff and puff and go do that. Then I get all huffy at trying to put Brandon to bed. So Rob stops doing the dishes, puts him to bed and tucks me in. Now I'm in bed, and I'm pouting because I am alone in bed. I won't even bore you with the 43 mood swings I had in the middle of the night while the rest of the house was sleeping. Lets just say there were many crisis's involving, tissue, ears, milk, child with knees in back, child with knees in head, leaking sippy cup, milk, tissue, milk, lack of towel, dreams, milk, leaking sippy cup, small child forcing me to not sleep on left side and soooo on. Did I mention the LEAKING FUCKING SIPPY CUP IN MY FUCKING BED!!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Well. Thats all I've got for you today. I must pee now. That makes 43 times today. 8983 times this week and 4 times this hour!

The scar

You know, I often look at all of my scars, I poke em, and squish em, and just generally check to see if they are still there. However I never pay much attention to my C-section scar, because my doctor is so amazing it was barely visible weeks after the surgery. I looked at it today. It is gone. Not gone gone, I mean, since I knew it was there I can see a very faint half inch of it left. However, if I were to pull down my pants and try and prove to you I had a C-section, you would laugh in my face, as there really is no scar there to the visible eye. I am sadder then I thought I would be. My mom, and my friends all still have their scars. I have nothing. I mean if I push really hard, I can tell something is different there, but I can't just look down and enjoy that memory. Now I'm about to have another baby, probably another scar and I can't help but think, this scar is just going to cover up Brandon's. That makes me feel all symbolic, as if this new baby is going to somehow overshadow my son. I hope I am strong enough not to do that. I hope this new scar vanishes also and I can say I just have great skin or something. That would be much easier then feeling like I lost a piece of my son for a new replacement baby. Moms of two kids, how do you do it? How do you love them both the same. How do you keep the older one from getting jealous? Do you make sure to spend alone time with them both, so the older one knows you haven't forgotten? And how on earth, is it possible to have two kids and still remember your husband?

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