I had a dream last night. I'm going to tell as much of it as I can remember first then I'll tell you my totally fucked up way of interpreting it.
In this dream I was holding a little baby. I had the oven preheated and for reasons I can not remember for the life of me I had to put my child in the oven. Something in the dream kept telling me it was best and it was the right thing to do. So I pulled out the oven rack and put my little baby on the rack and he started screaming from pain and wiggling and I had to shove him in and close it real fast. I walked away and went into the bedroom with Rob to sit and wait. I was relieved the baby wasn't crying but then right when I started feeling relief we heard screams. Rob went to get the baby and I kept pleading with him that it was what we had to do, we had to leave him there, even though the whole time I wanted him out. It right at this time that I woke up thinking what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.
My first thought was that it was Brandon. But then I realized this may have been my very first dream about Codi. I'm mad now that I couldn't make my mind look more at the baby so I could see if it was Codi. What really upsets me about this dream aside from the sheer horror of it that won't go away, is how I interpreted it. Since I went to the hospital I kept feeling like I am going to lose Codi. Either before he's born or right after, like shortly after. Now I'm wondering if this wasn't my bodies way of agreeing with me and if the oven didn't symbolize me having to cremate my little son. I have always had major issues with cremation because my dad was cremated. Because of that I kept having these horrible visuals of burning the body of someone you love. I always freaked out until I had a kid. Then I knew I could never bury my son if he died because he needed to still be at home with me as that was all he had known. I knew also that if I were to lose Codi now, I would do the same. So now, all I can think is it was a premonition of sorts telling me I'm going to have to cremate this child and I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND PEOPLE. I feel as if him screaming and us wanting him out is because we didn't want to let him go and believe he was gone but I knew in the end we had to do it because it was the better place. The problem is that now I'm stuck with images of my screaming child in the fucking oven and I can't get them out of my mind. I don't even have to close my eyes they are just floating there in front of me.
I just want this to go away. I hate this dream. Why would I have such a horrific dream if it wasn't meant to symbolize anything? I have so many other things that are happening that keep telling me I won't have this kid, like he hasn't hiccuped yet. Brandon hiccuped at least 5-6 times a day. All I keep thinking is the lack of hiccups mean my baby isn't even trying to learn to breath.
Seriously people, I never entirely let you in on my crazy but dude....this is a shit storm of crazy and I just want it gone. The worst part is my husband was out of town and I couldn't even wake up and tell him!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 8:26 AM