You know....

If it weren't for the boobs I'm not sure you'de be able to tell which was my ass and which was my belly!!!!!!!!

Men I would cheat on my husband with!!!

  1. Ben and or Jerry- No explanation needed right ladies
  2. Emeril- Duh, this man would rock my world
  3. Dr. Rey-Lets see, have a couple babies then get boob lift, tummy tuck and thigh lift YES PLEASE
  4. Duncan Hines- I mean really, why not!
  5. The guy who owns the bagel shop down the street- Free bagels for life...Rob who?
  6. Any one of the Keebler elves- Little isn't so bad when they come with free cookies
  7. Steve Madden- Because I really need new sexy shoes
  8. Ronald McDonald- McFlurry for breakfast YES PLEASE
  9. Chester Cheeto- Sure why not let my sugar daddy support my sons Cheeto habit
  10. A fishin boat captain- So I could stop paying for my husbands sushi habit!

Common mistakes I make

I make a lot of stupid mistakes while I type. I decided to point a few of them out to you so if you see them you know I'm not retarded I just make mistakes a lot.

  • A lot of times you will see my sentence end with a 1. This isn't supposed to be there. That means my pinky finger got a little lazy with the shift key and I didn't hold it down enough to succeed in placing a (!) point there.
  • That's werid. I do that one a bout a thousand times a day. No matter how many times I go back and retype it I can never seem to spell werid (see) werid (again see) weird the right way. I guess maybe this is just because I'm kind of werid!
  • I type oyu instead of you. Why I do this I DON'T KNOW!
  • I often start a new word before I finish my last. IE I would typel ike this
  • I type the first letter of the spelling of a number instead of a number. This means you often see, I have f apples instead of 5. I also do this often with n for 9. I do the reverse too with 9. Often I write this is 9eat!
  • I have had to actually concentrate and go back and edit to make all my damn I's capitalized.
  • I don't know how to spell definitaly to save my life. Definitly? Defiinetly? Dammit how do you spell this fucking word! The worst part is I'm usually so far off spell check doesn't even know how to help me.
So there oyu (seee!!!!) I really am a moron disguised as a functioning adult with major help from spell check.

Brown so doesn't blend with cream

So back to the potty training bit. We've got the whole pee pee in the potty thing down great! Now, NOW if only I could get my son to stop pooping in his undies then pulling his shorts off and flinging tiny balls of poop ALL OVER MY DAMN HOUSE!!!!!!! He totally gets that the poopoo goes in the toilet, and he tries to carry it in there after he does it and most mornings he will actually go sit in there for a good ten minutes and take a dump. However it is the six o'clock at night poop we are having the problem with. This is when he's far to busy playing to stop and poop so he just poops while playing. This also means that if he does try and make it to the bathroom mid poop the entire bathroom will then be smeared with poop. You can see which side of the toilet seat he climbed up on, which side of the bath he leaned on, where on the bathroom rug he sat down and so on. Yeah I do a lot of washing now!

ALSO! When he has to pee now he simply pulls down his pants and runs to the bathroom. SOOOOOO that means when I'm at Old Navy shopping with him and he does this in front of three very snobby women and then takes off running across Old Navy with his dangle flopping about everywhere I get a few dirty looks. But what it really means, is the third time he does this in the same Old Navy trips I get more then a few dirty looks and also cause one little boy to ask his mommy why that little boy gets to be naked and he doesn't! Lovely!

Finally. How do I get him to stop exclaiming Mommy Poopoo every time I go potty. It isn't so bad unless we are at the store and he announces in a public restroom, mommy poopoo followed by me flushing and him saying bye bye poopoo bye bye...mommy did it, mommy poopoo toilet. Yeah any assvice you can give me on how to make him stop doing that would be great. Duct tape perhaps?

Why I blog!

Since I've been blogging I've come across the question, "Why do you blog?" I've never really known how to answer that. I blogged out of boredom, to be funny, to show off my son and so on.

Until yesterday I never had a real heart felt answer to that. When I started blogging the first people I shared it with, were the real people in my life. My moms response was to grammar check it and then tell me that I shouldn't have said the things I said about myself because it could cause me to have a bad image. She was off the list. The first time my friends read it they didn't get it and told me I was strange. They were off the list. The first time my uncle read it, he waged world war three on me because of this post. He was off the list. I had a few readers but I really wanted more. I didn't know how to get them so I just kept writing what was on my mind, and reading other blogs and commenting.

Yesterday I wrote this post. I had a dream that I put my unborn child in an oven. Rather then being any kind of logical I immediately thought I had just predicted my childs death and cremation. YES I'm all kinds of crazy I know. The first thing I did after that dream was write about it. I wrote about the dream, and also how I had been secretly fearing my child would die all along. I finally dragged myself out of the house and went to work. My mind was in a horrible place. I was ready to call my doctor and began wondering if I should be medicated to make me stop freaking out. Finally at work I broke down. I told my my and the other girl in my office. Their response was that I needed to stop stressing so I didn't hurt the baby. Then they said I couldn't think that way or the baby would think I didn't want him. Mmmhmm that is just what I wanted to hear. I turned away from them and checked my email. The first thing I found were reassuring comments from my blog friends. Then next thing I found was a comment from Patty. This woman I had never even meant before took the time to not only reply to me, not only reassure me, but to actually Google my dream and explain it to me. I was stunned. I mean yeah I had spent time Googling things for blogger friends before, but I never expected someone to say just the right thing at just the right time for me. As the day wore on I received e-mails and comments galore. What stood out to me though was that not one of them said what I was feeling was wrong or bad. In fact everyone just said, they understood, it was okay. They showed me the rational side, they made me laugh, they agreed and sympathized and so on. By the end of the day I felt like these people who had never met me had come together and picked me up in a giant hug and carried me around in their love all day.

So you ask why I blog. Here is why:
Because no matter what at any point of the day there will always be,

  • One person to comment and say what you feel is right
  • One person to say that everything is going to be fine
  • One person to show you the rational side of things
  • One person to laugh with you
  • One person to help you figure out what needs figuring out
  • One person to offer a hug
  • One person to explain things to your dumb ass
  • One person who can relate
  • One person to empathize
  • One person to sympathize
  • One person to make you laugh
  • One person who did it worse then you
  • One person who tells you no matter what you write, they still love you.
This is why I blog. You may have all of these people in your life right now but how often do you have them all there at the drop of a hat saying all those things at once and reassuring you immediately? I blog because yesterday the people who read me talked me down off a wobbly ledge and let me know, it was okay to feel this way, but also let me know, theres light at the end of the tunnel. Now rather then feeling like I need to be sedated to cope with the future loss of my son, I simply feel like, well, every little thing is gonna be alright!

I blog becuase I know that if tomorrow I want to write about a huge pimple on my ass I can and I will get the following responses:
  • 5 People with a bigger pimple on their ass then me
  • 2 people who have two pimples on their ass
  • 3 people with the perfect potion for getting pimples off your ass
  • 4 people with tips on how to squish a pimple on your ass
  • 7 people who will laugh about the pimple on my ass
  • 6 people to let me know a pimple on my ass is small considering I'm about to have a beautiful little boy
  • and 10 people who want to see a picture of the pimple on my ass.
What I won't get is a single comment telling me it's wrong to write about my ass pussiness, a single comment telling me it was gross or inappropriate and I really won't get any comment that isn't simply full of love.

So this is why I blog. I blog because now I know, that no matter what I have this whole web connection to people who are willing to pick me up and hug me at a moments notice.

So for those of you who just started out, or who have been blogging for a while and maybe you aren't getting the comment load you want, just wait, some day when you need them most, the comments will come flooding in and it will all make sense.

And also::::
NO I don't have a pimple on my ass, and no you can't see it, and you over there..yeah you, please stop dreaming about my yummy pimple covered bright white cottage cheese ass....these goodies are reserved for my husband baby!

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