I'm not even sure how I'm breathing right now. Yesterday my mom brought me home a chocolate cake. The kind from Claim Jumpers. You know the five layer thing that is so chocolaty and good and delicious. I just took two bites of it and I threw it away. Away in the trash I threw it away, it's gone and I can't come to terms with it. I want to dig it out of the trash. What was I thinking? Cake, chocolate cake, gone, in the trash. Think I'm going to pass out. I'm pregnant so I can't even blame it on being drunk and I'm pregnant so dammit I should have eaten the whole fucking one pound slice of cake. It is in a styraphome to go box. Is it wrong if I get it out? No I can't. I can't because I'm part of the tummy tuck club and eating that cake goes against everything. BUT I THREW AWAY CAKE. It is as though I threw away all that I stand for and believe in. I need to sit down, I'm getting light headed. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. For the love of gosh someone please rush to Claim Jumper and get me another piece of fucking cake before I hyperventilate!
My husband is a quite man. He doesn't get bothered easily. There are only two times you can annoy him. When he is sick and when he is playing video games. That is why I found Saturday morning so damn funny. Rob is sick. Like real sick. Sad face and blankie and Nyquil and all. We are sitting on the couch talking and suddenly CHIRP! It's then that I see it, the fire in his eyes. Thats right the fire alarm batteries are dying. CHIRP! He's going to lose his mind. He jumps up immediately grabs a chair and a battery and changes it. He sits back down, gets under his blankie puts his lap top back in his lap and turns on the TV CHIRP! I stifle a laugh because clearly this is not funny to him. He says maybe it just takes a second for it to recogize the new battery. I agree. CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! CHIRP! He asks me to go look at it. I tell him I think it is the one in this hall, no maybe its CHIRP! the one in that hall. He gets mad gets two new batteries and changes em both. CHIRP! Oh no wait it was the one in that hall. CHIRP! No babe it's definitely this one. CHIRP! Now I can't even help it I'm laughing my ass off at this point. My husband is turning red and his blood is boiling so bad I can see his skin start to melt off. CHIRP! So he walks over and stares at the fire alarm. I laugh imagining that he is thinking, if I stare at it long enough it will shut the fuck up. CHIRP! I am now at a full on giggle fest and he looks at me and asks me if I think CHIRP! this is funny. I'm laughing so hard Codi is shaking in my belly. CHIRP! He goes stomping around the house and into the bedroom and shuts the door. CHIRP! Only now it sounds as if it is the fire alarm in the laundry room and the hall and the other hall, and in fact my whole house is an alarm. He got so mad he got in his car CHIRP! and drove to two different stores to find new batteries. I won't lie and say while he was gone I didn't want to take a baseball bat to those fucking alarms but as soon as he got home CHIRP! they were back to being hilarious. In the end it was our old batteries and he fixed it, but man that was some funny shit while it was happening!
Posted by Shannon Mateo at 6:12 PM