1.23.2008

So there that is

Like a very wise blogger once told me, don't let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can't write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don't know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it's repeated then maybe you shouldn't say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won't finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn't just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don't even want to know how much hell I'm going to catch for writing this post.

I've always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with "the crazy". I also realized that medications weren't for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn't being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn't even know it was happening. I didn't talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn't say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn't just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn't place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren't to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn't win.

I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I'm going to stop here and I'll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I'll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn't notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!

** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn't going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don't think I'm some anti medicine person because really, I'm a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you're too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.

21 comments:

Liz said...

I think you are really brave to blog about this, Shannon, and I think you are even braver for not taking a drink when you wanted to.

karla said...

I second your bravery Shannon. Totally, wholeheartedly agree that took strength of elephantine proportions to write about.

Sending some big fat Canadian love your way.


Hugs Chiquita.

Ashley Forrette said...

Wow. I third the bravery. You're amazing!

Emery Jo said...

I'm here fourth-ing the bravery and respecting your strength to be the best you can for your kids. Awesome.

Steph said...

I am on the brave bandwagon as well. It shows strength that you didn't drink the other night.

Kat said...

I agree with everything that's been said so far.

Blogversary said...

I agree with you about the medicine part.

I am sorry to hear about the camp ordeal.
I pray you find a place of peace.

Lindz said...

I'm all about my lexapro and I'm not afraid to admit it. And thanks for your honesty... always. We all have our fair share of shit from our past and I commend you for focusing on motherhood. I also completely understand that whole if my family know about my blog, I have to censor b/c they are wirried about what people will think. That is an issue I still battle, not caring what people think, being aware of my words and actions and dealing because I am so tired of "what will people think?"

So go you Shan! You've come a long way and you certainly are NOT alone!

Not So Perfect said...

I am sorry about what happened to you. I am proud of you that you didn't take that drink. It speaks volumns about the inner strength you have.

You are a strong brave woman.

Patty said...

You simply amaze me! I'm so glad you didn't take a drink and even more proud of you for writing this blog. You have my full respect and support if you ever need it.

I say it again...your boys are SO LUCKY to have you as a mom.
XOXO

Mandy said...

You have so much courage, and are a rock star mommy. You have overcame a lot to be the person you are today, and you couldn't be you without these experiences! I can't wait to read the rest of this post!

annie kelleher said...

well written, honest, and real. well done. i applaud your courage and respect your honesty.

Jessa said...

Wow. I wouldn't have the courage to do it. I couldn't say all that in a blog, kudos to you.

I'm a medicated crazy. I wish I had the ability to deal with "my crazies" in the way other people seem to be able to, but there are too many days where I'm not strong enough.

angie said...

You know I always think you have opened every little corner of your life to all we bloggers and then you go and surprise me and open that secret trap door! I admire your constant honesty and ability to focus on what is truly important to you in life...your boys. You ALWAYS have their very best interest at heart and I more than respect and admire that you never looked back and never took a "second for you" to have a drink...you even gave up what might have given you five minutes of santity because that's the kind of mom you are...a completely selfless mother who puts everything for herself on the backburner and puts her kids first and foremost. So proud of you for passing up the alcohol!

Brandon and Codi will ALWAYS be proud of their mama!!

Em said...

Shit what a tough time, i have simular issue with writing on my blog as people i know read it and i dont share anything with anyone and tbh non of their business and i wouldnt like to seem weak, not that i think you are at all well done for writing about it!

And even bigger well done for not having the drink!

I had counseling for years and it still isnt something i can share easily, the perpratrator has been to prison for what they did to me and thankfully i was never blamed for it, how sad you were blamed!

Laura said...

I am amazed at your courage. Truly. I am struggling right now with my own daughter, whose actions have had a recent devastating affect on our family life and I can only hope she turns out as well as you obviously have. Hugs.

Laura said...

You should always be able to act the way you want without being taken advantage of. No one has the right, regardless of ANY behaviors, to violate you. I HATE that society tends to blame the victim while the perpetrator hides behind excuses (made up by the unaffected observer) that warrant his behavior. I am livid that this happened to you. You deserved nothing less than a place to be listened to, supported, and empowered. You coped the only way you knew how at that time, and now look at how those coping mechanisms have changed!

You can write this blog without receiving harsh judgement or criticizm. You are empowering women with your words and with your bravery. Those who blame you for being too honest are merely projecting onto you what they should be telling themselves.

Thank you for sharing your story.

HRH said...

found you through cafemom post and am glad. so glad that things are better now and can write this.

Heidi said...

I commend you for blogging about a personal subject, for not drinking. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you. I am with you all the bloggin' way!

Kim said...

After the posts I have written about my mother I have the utmost respect for you. Congratulations on not taking the drink. I am SO VERY proud of you.

Your courage to blog about this is truly amazing. You are a wonderful person for wanting to help others that went through similar experiences. I am sorry others didn't see/feel that.

On a lighter note, I don't tell my family about my blog so that way I can talk about them! :-)

Jeninacide said...

Wow Shan- this sounds pretty freakin familiar- oh wait- this was totally ME not too long ago! It's amazing we never killed ourselves with tose sleeping concoctions! Shit! Good writing! I am so glad you are writing about this- I totally have days where I still want to get WASTED and of course I don't... GAH!

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