You spin me right in to the gates of fucking hell

My cousin hates me did you know that? She wants me to die a long hard death!!! You know how I just had a baby, you know like 7 fucking weeks ago, and how before that I hadn't done more cardio then steadfastly lifting the ice cream spoon to my mouth for a full 8 months due to that whore bitch "BED REST"? I've been doing this whole Tummy Tuck thing for about 6 weeks now and I thought I was doing pretty good watching my calories and taking long generous walks down the isles of Walmart. So today when I am whining to my cousin about needing to exercise but having no time and blah blah poor me, when she sweetly says, "why don't you come to a spinning class with me today?" I hesitate long enough to eat a Hershey's kiss and then say, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU INSANE FREAK?" She's all, oh its not so bad, I totally made it through my first time with no trouble and after 3 classes I could stand and keep up and I have fucking rainbows and moonshine shooting out of my ass. I have two words for her YOU ARE A BIG FAT LYING ASSHOLE!!! Go ahead tell me that was more then two words, I dare you to fuck with me right now. I just spent the last 45 minutes wishing I was dead or at least wishing I had a machete to fuck up my cousin every time I looked over at her stupid smiling face as she was spinning off into oblivion like it was no big deal. I on the other hand was sitting there with one third of ONE ass cheek struggling to fit on the elf shoe they call a seat and wondering if it would look bad if I barfed in the trash next to my bike. As I type this I feel like my fucking ass is going to come alive and eat me its burning so bad. I'm in pain people. Feel sorry for me. I told her, I said Lisa maybe I should ease into this work out thing again, you know do a few minutes on the treadmill or something. But nooooo she assured me I wouldn't die. By the end of the class I wanted to puke, my bladder was screaming, my ass was saying, hey if your going to be hurting this bad you should be doing something fun and my face was so red I looked like a Super Mario character. Also whose idea is it to take a class being taught by a woman who looks like God came down from the heavens and sculpted her body himself? Yeah that makes me feel adequate huh? Now my cousin is sitting here saying, he he if you hate me now wait till tomorrow. Oh go ahead and giggle you fucker. Shes saying oh how about Yoga tomorrow. Is she fucking mental. I'll be lucky if I can get out of bed tomorrow with out the help of 7 vicodens and about 6 shots of jaeger. All I'm thinking is great, I was the slow, sluggish, asshole in the spinning class, and now I'm going to be that girl who farts the whole way through the yoga class.

Did you know an ass can cry? Mine is crying right now. It's wondering why I took it out of it's cushy position in front of the TV and made it think a little. Spinning? What the fuck was I thinking? Have you ever done spinning? Its a bunch of skinny little skank bitches riding in their tight little bicycle shorts with cute little hair and fancy fucking outfits. In the front of the room is a trainer whose all YAY LETS STAND UP NOW AND CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN...WEE ISN'T THIS FUN CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB. Look! The only place I feel like climbing in though is into bed, not up this bitches happy sunny fucking mountain. I'm looking outside as I peddle my way to my death thinking I would rather be buried in the fucking snow then wondering one more time what I was doing testing the limit of my spandex non maternity pants.

A word of advice. Next time your family member lovingly tries to invite you to a spinning class do yourself a favor and JUST SAY NO! You will get the same amount of exercise driving to marble slab and ordering a double triple chocolate with caramel and extra chocolate and a side of chocolate, and if you want to make a cardio work out out of it, just eat faster...pick up the pace as you shovel that creamy cold goodness into your mouth. However if you do decide to just jump right into a spinning class be prepared for the following:

  • Your ass will not fit on that seat.
  • No, not even one ass cheek will fit
  • You will feel like vomiting actually sounds more fun then being thin
  • The instructor will spew rainbows and sunshine while somehow managing to make peddling look like she is doing a fantastic ballet
  • You will not look like you are doing a ballet, you will look more like you are driving a clutch and you keep popping it out of place and stalling
  • Half way through you will want to murder the person who brought you
  • An hour after you will start to feel like you have just climbed all the way to the gates of hell and can someone please just kill me now!
Update: My skank bag cousin is saying now, "by your third class you will be fine" Third class my sore ass, you freak of nature. Thats like saying hey it only burns the first time you stick your hand in lava. YOU LYING HOOKER! There is no way anyone can get used to this shit!

Updated update: I just went in to pee, it took me a full 2 minutes to convince my legs that they should stand up and not leave me stranded on the shitter. Apparently they think spending a life time on the crapper sounds more appealing then ever walking again!


Alice said...

the elf shoe line was what got me to snort up a mouthful of the water i was trying to drink.

Lisa said...

Your Welcome!

Someone Being Me said...

Aww..you deserve ice cream. Lots and lots. Surely you burned off at least a gallons worth of calories right? Now if you can only figure out some way to get your husband or child to spoon feed it to you. I am not envying you tomorrow.

Coffee Slut said...

Ahhh ....so THAT'S what "spinning" is ....I thought it was people twirling around. My fat ass says ...no thanks!

Laura said...

Whatever you do, do not EAT for an hour before yoga class. Because some of your classmates will be like me---instantly turned into a giggling 7th grader by gas. My yoga instructor (I kid you not) is an 84 year old woman and she kicks our collective butts every single class.

angie said...

oh my god I laughed hystercially! I do feel your pain (although I've never done a spinning class and after this I sure won't sign up for one!) but the way you wrote this is hilarious!!

Not So Perfect said...

I got my work out today from reading this. Hey laughing counts, right??

Lindz said...

I just read that out loud to my mom and I think she might have peed her pants. She too, liked the elf shoe and says you are "hysterically funny, there are some pearls in there." Thanks for that Shan, mom needed a laugh really bad.

On my behalf, I had to take breaks in reading to get my breath and wipe away tears. Know what else is funny? I feel the same way about spinning, it's an invention of the devil, who thought that biking would be better than a treadmill, you don't get anywhere so it's not like you can bribe yourself to the end. Aaand if you wear the special shoes, they lock on the pedals and you jar yourself so hard that everyone looks back at you as you yell "shit!". To top it off, I went for the first time in years with my boy friends mom. She's had three kids and is 20-some years older than me and kicked my ass so hard.

This is like my favorite blog ever.

Jessa said...

I'm sorry, but I can't even stop laughing. That sounds like the most awful way to exercise ever; thanks for the warning.

Kat said...

Is it ok to laugh my ass off? Been there though it wasn't spinning that made me want to kill the person who made me do it, myself and everyone around me.

Ever been running slightly uphill in harsh snow sinking in everytime sinking in up to your knees.

My head looked like a tomato about to burst and I was panting like a dog in summer and I actually did barf...Sigh...fun times.

Patty said...

OMG! I agree with you 100%! I've seen that spinning room in my gym and I HAVE NEVER GONE IN THERE! Wild horses could not take me in there. I actually walk past the room and cringe. I'm claustrophobic and those freaking bikes are way too close to each other for my comfort.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW Shannon. I feel for you. What you described it everything I feared a spinning class was! Hope you have feeling back in your legs.

I'm sure it's an awesome workout but definitely not for me.
Yoga I like though I still stick to the beginners classes.

Rachel said...

Your so funny. I have worked out for years and I hate those spinning classes. I too felt like shit after the first class and never went back. After being prego I got a mini trampoline for the house and worked out to the tapes. It was great and the baby loved watching from his swing plus they are cheap and easy to store.

Good luck mama!

Steph said...

I tried to warn you!!! I so did. But she is right. If you go again it will be easier. And the more active you are now after your work out, the better you will be so you don't have the lactic acid build up which makes you even more sore.

This post was great by the way. Good job Lisa making her go!

Anonymous said...

DUDE! You are F'ING Crazy!

Ginger said...

So I read this last night when I was exhasted and it wasn't nearly as funny as when I read it again this morning! I've always been a little too intimidated to try it, seeing as how, you know, I still don't know how to ride a bike (my excuse even though I can totally ride a stationary bike).

Saly said...

Shannon, Oh my god. I went spinnign once, before children when I was actually in shape. My ass was bruised for a week and I couldn't walk for 3 full days.

Poeple who do this regularly are FREAKS!!!

Christy said...

You are hilarious. I am definitely going to take your advice - no Spinning class for me. My ass likes to just sit on the couch.

Lainey-Paney said...

I'm laughing like an idiot on my couch right now.
OMG. You are TOOOOOO funny!

Spinning: Just Say NO!

Sarah said...

No, you're too funny! TOO FUNNY! I can't stop laughing. Oh, my god. HAHAHAHAHA! Dude, I don't know who you are, but I found you off Lorie Chambless's blog and now I'm adding you to my blog roll because everyone who reads my blog should read yours too!

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