2.25.2008

This day is against me

I should have just called in sick and laid in bed. Oh how many blogs start out that way daily around the world? I got zero sleep last night due to a nursing baby and a snoring husband. I woke up too early and knew the day wasn't right. I had forgotten to make coffee the night before so I had to fumble around and do that. After arguing with Brandon all morning about brushing his teeth I finally had to basically hold him down to do it. I kept reminding myself that if I was a good mom my child wouldn't fight me so much on this kind of thing. I got him dressed and went in search of shoes. I remembered my parents had just brought him a new pair of shoes. He got all excited over the new shoes with the flames when I discovered there were two right feet in the box. So then I had to put them back in the box thus making him cry and run and get more shoes. I was 3 minutes late at this point for work. We were about to leave when Brandon Tarzaned my curtains right off the rod. I was now 5 minutes late. I picked up Codi, turned to leave and launched my yogurt off the car seat and splattering onto my wall and floors. I was now 10 minutes late. I cleaned the mess, realized I had nothing else breakfasty, said fuck it and left.

I arrived at work realizing I forgot my coffee on the counter, my lunch in the fridge and my vitamins and pills in their pill container. So, if you are wondering why I just ate bread, appetizers, salad and desert from Macaroni Grill, there you have it!

Today was one of those days where I feel like a bad parent. Every little thing Brandon did today registered in my brain like Finger nails on a chalk board. By noon it was better but this morning left me feeling like less of a mom. I don't talk about God on here a lot, mostly because I'm still learning, and then some because I don't want this blog to turn into some sappy, mommy, non comical type blog. I would hate for you all to leave me because I put on my serious hat for a day. However. In the last few years I've toyed with praying. I've prayed for friends, for family, for animals, and for my kids. But mostly, I pray that today I can just be a good mom. I find the majority of the time I call on God, it is to ask him, to please, let me be calm and peaceful with Brandon. Let me be the best mom I can be. To just let me be, the mom I know I could be if I didn't have a mental illness weighing me down. I look around to other moms, moms who don't yell, have no need for discipline, whose kids are always the model of perfection and I ask myself where I went wrong.

I can already see Codi is going to be different from Brandon. And rather then feeling joy knowing that this child will be easier, I feel weight on my heart knowing other people will always compare Brandon to the good child. That Brandon will become the burden, or the bad child. The child that everyone says, "Oh you just did a better job with Codi because you learned." But thats not true. I just have two very different children. One who will be quiet and cautious and well behaved and one who just wants to howl at the moon, similar to his mother. I pray every day that I will never be one of those people who compares the two negatively and who always realizes that Brandon isn't a bad child he is just an amazingly free spirited child with energy I wish I could have for only a day.

I keep wondering when I will come out of the hole I've been in for a long time now. This one is lasting longer then they have in ages. I know most of what is causing it. A lot of it is money woes, a lot of it is the snow and dreary weather, a lot of it is the want to ride my bike but having a flat fucking tire, a lot of it is worrying about my kids, a lot of it is worrying that I'll never measure up as a mom. A girl was killed recently in my town. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she was sleeping on a couch and some one came in, got her and killed her. They found her just a few blocks from my house. I am now terrified of ever letting my kids out of my sight. I'm terrified of pre school or regular school. Of letting them go to the movies, of letting Brandon play out back. I'm terrified. Everyday it seems I find a new reason to feel like an asshole for even bringing kids into this world. Like the other day when my mom told me that allowing you to see my kids on my blog and being open about who I am and where I am is opening up for some fucker to come steal my kids and hurt us all. Great, now I feel like mother of the year for potentially opening my kids up for that kind of terror.

I want to get out of this slump. I need the weather to pick up so I can go riding. Last summer when I was riding daily I know I was a lot happier, I could ride away the crazy rather then be burdened with it in my head. It is so hard, people say, just run, go on a treadmill, do anything, but they don't get, something about riding triggers my brain. It's the equivalent to Prozac or Lexipro for me.

Back to praying. Like I said, I really try to pray. I try to ask to be the best I can. But then there are some days when I just can't do it. I wake up feeling silly and trivial for wanting to believe in God. I feel like those around me judge me for trying to believe. Even those who believe look at me like a poser. Like I'm not doing it right, or it's a joke or something. And maybe in the end it will get me no where, but I think that just asking for help makes me feel like a better mom already. I really hope that someday i can figure this all out, and I can be the mom that my kids brag about. I want to be that kind of mom, the kind of mom that other little girls say I want to grow up and be like her some day. I want my kids to have nothing of fond memories of me, and I want them to remember more then just my stellar cooking!

13 comments:

Christy said...

You're a great mom. Its tough having to manage everything and we all know that mommy never gets a break.

angie said...

Oh gosh I don't even know where to start to try to make you feel better! I know that you have lots of days where you feel that darkness trying to come around you, but I think you have really learned how to deal with that.

As for the boys being so opposite I think you said it best...Brandon is like his mama (and a free spirit like his grandma!). He isn't going to fit in that box but you can bet your ass that he is going to make that square peg fit in the round hole. That's what makes Brandon, Brandon. And if he wasn't like that then he wouldn't be your little boy!! No one should ever compare the two boys because you did a better job with one. Like you said they are two different personalities. And they make take two different parenting styles. You might have to be more stern with Brandon where as Codi might just do what mom and dad say the first time. Brandon is going to test his limits and push to see how far he can go. The one thing that I can't stress enough to you (and I know everyone on this blog agrees 110% with me) is that you are a good mom. Don't ever forget that even on your hard days or days when you feel like you are having to be really hard on Brandon, you are a good mom!

And don't be scared about blogging about your kids and yourself. I know I would keep them under my nose all the time too, but blogging about them and stuff like that I think you are ok!

Jeninacide said...

Dude, I don't think praying could ever be a bad thing or a waste, no matter who you are or what you believe- and this is coming from someone who doesn't really believe in God.

Missy Marshmallow said...

Hey girl, there is no right or wrong way to pray. You have two unique and special kids that are proud to have you as a mama. Keep your head up, the sun will come out soon.

Patty said...

I just want to come out there and give you a BIG HUG and tell you it is all going to be ok because it is.

You are a fantastic person...a whole person...friend, wife and mother. Don't you see how many roles you have. It doesn't surprise me that you have concerns and worries. You are human and we all want to be the best person for those we love.

No one is going to judge you for praying and if they do they are a damn fools and don't know what praying is all about. Whether you believe in God or in any divine power you are growing as person and accepting that there is something bigger and grand out there and that there is hope in believing and praying. I don't want to get all preacher on you because that is not me either but in my darkest moments when I have felt the sadest and most alone (even in a room full of people), prayer is the only thing that kept me going. Believing is your best medicine and source of strength.

You can't worry now about the 'what ifs' because they may not ever happen. Just like you can't prevent how people will preceive your kids. As long as you celebrate their differences and instill in them that each is special and unique in their own way they will be well rounded adults. In every family I know the kids are like night and day...nothing alike and that's what adds flavor to the family. Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same?

Just remember Spring...relief is around the corner and you will be able to go out for your rides to clear your head. Just wish it could get here faster for all of us.

P.S. I don't know any "moms that don't yell"...it come with the title of mom!

Jennifer said...

Well, I hear ya on the don't want to sound all mushy and sappy and stuff. I pray and it's a very personal thing for me. I talk to God about whatever and He understands. You don't have to announce to anyone that you do it. Do it for you.

As for the perfect kid, where you messed up, etc. Kids are all very different. You know this... being the spirited one just means that Brandon will have more stories to tell that keep people entertained! My husband was the spirited kid and I was the quiet, cautious kid who did no wrong. My hubby keeps people entertained and I smile and laugh and enjoy his stories. You're being the perfect mom by letting each kid be who he is. Other kids who seem "perfect" and "well behaved" have their moments too. My stepson was one of those...but he has shown his not so perfect side now too. And all parents struggle, so don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is the hardest job EVER and you've got TWO kids and you're a great wife.

As for the money... I stress too, but in the end as long as you have each other that's what your kids will remember. Just watch The Pursuit of Happyness. :)

Hang in there, girlie. If you ever need a place to get away to, come visit me!! Podunk, Arkansas. :)

Misguided Mommy said...

Christy, angie, missy, and patty: thank you THANK YOU! You are all way to good to me!


Jennifer: Seriously I would come there just to find out what kind of place lives up to the name PODUNK AHAHAHAHAHAH that is the greatest city name ever!

Not So Perfect said...

I just gotta tell you I love you!!

Dude so don't worry about being a poser. God loves you and accepts you as you are. He loves you whether you believe or you don't believe or even if you sort of believe. God is love.

I pray all the time...things like "please God help me not to freaking lose it right now." I think God has a sense of humor and has given you a gift of humor, not to mention cooking and organization and communication and mass mama skills. God has big plans for you, sister.

Okay one scripture for you, I hope you don't mind.

"We have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16

arambledlife said...

I have two spirited children, though spirited in different ways, and I find that even though I try not to, I sometimes compare them negatively. I'm working on it and realize my son (ADHD and ODD) is always going to be the one who needs more even though his sister needs almost as much in different ways. It's hard and I wish I knew how those "perfect" moms with their "perfect" kids did it. Do they ever look on their parenting and wonder where they went wrong or why they can't do it all...seems doubtful that they ever doubt themselves and their abilities.

Hang in there. I'm dealing with the clouds myself right now and this long winter isn't helping me much with getting through. I can't wait for the warm days and sunshine to get out and do things.

Laura said...

Don't mind me if I get all schmoopy and serious, and mommylike on you right here. You aren't alone in the bad mommy feelings. I feel right now that sometimes my children would be better off starting fresh with a *new* *improved* *less pissyeyed all the time* family. I think of what they have lost and realize I am nothing compared to that. I spent 10 minutes outside in 20 degree weather with no jacket to keep myself from launching all sorts of insanity at them.

I think, at the end of the day, we do the best we can. And you, my dear, do better than most. Why? Because you're honest. Nobody's perfect.

Great big annoying, hey I'm commenting on a mommy blog, hugs...direct from me (who has found out recently that she really doesn't like too much hugginess) to you.

Heidi said...

Praying is a good thing. You can pray and not be preachy. At least i think that is what i do. lol Hang in there. Testing times, you will prevail. Sometimes I like to go watch a really sad movie and ry my eyes out just to feel a little relief. Thinking of you today

Blogversary said...

Don't feel silly for praying. I pray all the time for patience and to be calm, especially when caring for my kids.

I have three older brothers and we are way different. Thank goodness you recognize their difference and still cook great meals for them!

Nicole said...

Just let me say that anyone who cares as much about their kids as you seem to must be doing a great job with them. And also no one is judging you for praying or not praying and if they are then screw them! You're awesome!

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