Who gave me pets

Apparently I shouldn't be married. And seriously, who the fuck gave me kids? They say, when you go into rehab and AA and stuff before you can have a relationship you should get a pet. And before getting a pet you should get a plant.

When I moved out my mom thought that AA had a pretty good idea. So she brings me a plant. Ha ha! Not just any plant, a fucking violet. NICE! Thanks mom. Some kind of fancy water techniques with that one. Something about watering it from the bottom upside down while standing on your head and flying on a trapeze. No, that can't be it, because THAT sounds easy. Needless to say the violet last about 3 hours in my home.

After that I did what any logical person would do. I got myself a cat. Getting a cat was easy. Or at least mine was. You couldn't not feed it, the little fucker wouldn't let you forget. Seriously. If dinner time for him was 3:00 then you can bet at 2:55 he would go into full alert mode. MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWWWWW! At 2:58 he would start biting you. At 3:00 he would start knocking shit over. And if you made it till 3:01 well then the little shit would just go chew a hole into the side of his food bag. I thought I was being smart by putting his food into a Tupperware, but he just knocked that off the shelf and pried it open (I do not lie this cat is a damn genius).

So then I got a dog. He was the same way. If I didn't feed him, that was fine with him, he would just hop on my counter and eat an entire loaf of bread. So you can bet I fed him right on time every day.

I'm doing good with the cat and the dog so I think, self, you've done good why not get yourself a man. I get a man. We get married we have kids. And then it happens. My parents buy us fish. Great. The first thing I think is, FUCK! Fish have no alarms. They have no meow, or barks. They can't bite me they have no way to say, "hey you, asshole human feed me I'm starving here." Everyone assures me that Rob is going to handle feeding the fish. So far this is how that has gone:

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Sure did

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I think

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: I think so maybe, not sure

Me: Hon did you feed the fish
Rob: No I had Cody do it.

So as you can see we are doing great with the fish huh. Anyway Sunday night rolls around and Rob looks in the tank to see our tiniest gold fish has died. Well shit. 1 out of 4 not so bad. A whole week the made it WOOHOO! We decide to wait till Brandon is asleep to scoop out his fish and flush it, because being the brainiac mom I am I can already foresee what would happen if he watched us. "Mama I wanna plush pish I wanna plush pish", thinking it was some sort of game. MOnday morning rolls around and I look in the tank to see tiny fish still floating. CRAP! Rob forgot to scoop him out. So me, Mrs. I'm not touching that so back of Mr. Had to scoop the fish out with the net and run to the bathroom to flush it while holding down chunks of vitamin and vomit.

On to yesterday evening. I look in the tank and see that my Sucker fish is dead. FUCK! Brandon will know that one is gone. I'm all freaked out. He's just floating there all weird and lifeless, and definitely not sucking on anything. I tell Rob and he says we will get it later. I come out about an hour later and the fucking fish is doing flips in the tank. Huh? Just to fuck with me he did a giant leap and flipped right in front of me. I didn't even know sucker fish could flip and leap. Well shit. Had Brandon been asleep I would have scooped that fish right out and flushed him. I guess it is a good thing we had to wait for him to go to sleep or I would have flushed a live fish.

I ask again, who in the fuck thought it was a good idea to give me fish? Sucker fish, more like fucker fish! I'll keep you all updated with this, see if I nearly flush anymore totally alive fish this week!


MamaChing said...

We are getting fish in the next couple of days. This should be interesting for us too!

Lindz said...

Fish are NEVER a good idea! And why didn't your mom get you a cactus? Then you could work up to a beta fish, those things can live in dirty water for months (or so I've heard.) This post makes me think of how to lose a guy in 10 days for some reason. WEll done, fucker fish.

Anonymous said...

her moms did get shannon a cactus. that is dead now too. i think it froze. and shannon, i was holding codi, so i askt cody to feed him. the fish arent going to start floating if you miss one feeding.

Patty said...

I think a belly up fish is too traumatic. I never had a fish and don't really want one.

I need an animal that will 'talk' to me and have a reaction when I forget to do something for him.

My sister had parakeets and a canary when we were little...a dead bird is much more traumatic...skips those too and no one give her one of those!

Misguided Mommy said...

Anon: No dear my mom got me an aloe plant!

Kat said...

Please remind me to look alive should we ever meet *LOL* I don't want to be flushed down the toilet.

As a kid I had a fair share of belly up fish...totally traumatic.

Coffee Slut said...

I'm good at keeping those little Betas alive in glass bowls, but I totally screw up aquariums and end up killing the poor things.

Not So Perfect said...

Can you imagine if you would have started to get it out and it started flipping around in the net while say you were half way to the bathroom ah..that would freak me out.

Ginger said...

And THIS is why I was in complete and utter shock when I realized YOU had fish! Ha, I remember your cat going ape shit when he wanted to be fed. That is when he wasn't helping himself to your fresh flowers.

Saly said...

Yes, clearly you should not own pets. :)

I tagged you for a meme.

Megan said...

OMG I am laughing so hard. I did the fish-before-plant thing. Fish bit the dust. Plants, I've mastered. I have a house full and so far, so good. Man, got one, check. Now we have a cat, who is so needy I can barely keep up and I cry when I leave her because she gets so upset and gives me that look and OMG I AM THE WORST MOM ON THE PLANET.

I think I should wait 20 years before kids, at this rate.

Lainey-Paney said...

okay...so what I've learned here: do not give you Medical Power of Attorney over me. You'd so pull the plug if I fell asleep! "Yup, Lainey-Paney must be dead. Just turn the machines off. I'd flush her, but she won't fit in our toilet..."


angie said...

This is a hilarious post! And I totally have to agree with Lindz that this reminds me of How to Lose a Guy in 10 days!! Too funny...I never liked the fish we had because like Patty said they aren't a pet that you can interact with. You basically take care of them and they don't give anything back!

Misguided Mommy said...

Ging: Sadly you are right my cat always ate my damn flowers

Lainy: Seriously, I'm laughing way way way hard over here. She won't fit HA! funniest shit i've heard all week.

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