3.31.2008

I'll take my award now


One of my kids is passing out while eating lunch, and the other one is rolling off the couch while I help the first one. Yeah I'll be accepting my mother of the year award right now k thanks.

Wisdom

My grandma dug this out and gave it to me the other day. I think she found it at just the right time and it really struck a cord with me. I'm making a huge effort not to be this way anymore, and so far I think it's made a great difference.

To My Grown Up Son

My hands were busy through the day;
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to.
I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And ask me please to share your fun
I'd say "A little later, son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light.
Then tip-toe softly to the door....
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.

A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play,
No good-night kiss, no prayers to hear....
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still,
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to.



So. Yeah. Blubbering much huh? My little guy is sick today and he is very needy. I'm making every effort to be there for every little thing he asks. Because I'm well aware that some day, I will miss taking care of my little guy when he is sick. So, have to go now, he wants to cuddle in Bandons bed (He says his name with out the R).

3.27.2008

Portrait of a donut eating fool


Donuts make Shannon very happy.



And also. I WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS CHOOSE NEIL DIAMOND. GOSH YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL (Even my husband got this wrong tsk tsk tsk). (The two who ALWAYS get it right Coffee slut and Laura, who oddly enough both just got mail from me ((or should have, let me know if you didn't)) (I swear Coffee slut is like secretly implanted something in my brain to cheat and guess what I'm thinking every single second of the day, oh shit, I hope she couldn't hear me earlier when I was thinking about, cough ahem, never mind.)

So come on and sing it with me baby

Play it now, play it now
Play it now, my baby

Cracklin' Rosie, make me a smile
Girl, if it lasts for an hour, that's all right
We got all night to set the world right
Find us a dream that don't ask no questions
Yeah

Oh, I love my Rosie child
You got the way to make me happy
You and me we go in style
Cracklin' Rose,
You're a store-bought woman
But you make me sing like a guitar hummin'
So hang on to me, girl
Our song keeps runnin' on
Play it now, play it now
Play it now, my baby

Feeling like Chinese


Chinese chicken and mushroom lettuce cups. Only about 200 calories for 3 cups. Can also be made as a flexitarian meal, half vegetarian and half chicken with no added effort.
Check it out here.

An open letter to the chocolate dipped donuts on my kitchen counter

Yesterday at the store after filling my cart with enough vegetables to make the checker exclaim, "WOW I've never seen someone buy so many vegetables, I hate vegetables, I don't even know how you will eat all of these," I walked towards the deli meat counter. In order to get to the deli counter for my husbands fresh sliced lunch meat I had to pass the bakery.

That is when I spotted you. In your pretty plastic box. Your chocolaty dipped goodness. You reminded me of those yummy little Hostess chocolate dipped donuts ONLY BIGGER! I thought of my sweet little Brandon and picked them up. Even though there were 15 donuts in the package I still grabbed it. Then I looked around hoping to find a package with a smaller amount. There were none. You were a smart package, you knew how to suck me in with your vast quantity and chocolaty goodness.

After you were in my cart I finished shopping. I checked my labels. Nothing with high fructose corn syrup. Nothing with fillers or nitrates (can't wait to taste those nitrate & filler free hot dogs I got Brandon). I filled it with vegetables and organic milks and butters. I got fruit instead of cookies. Slowly I could no longer see the tasty donuts in my cart. I forgot about your tastiness lurking in there.

Until the check stand. Then I found you again as I put you on the black conveyor belt. Suddenly sometime wet appeared on my face, and I found myself hurriedly wiping drool before the checker saw it trickling out of my mouth.

I finished up and paid and walked to my car where I saw the edge of your box sticking out of the bag. You knew what you were doing. You knew I was hungry and you strategically placed yourself right where I would see you.

Of course you know what I did. You know that I grabbed one of your delicious, chocolate covered selves and ate you as I drove home to cook dinner. I didn't even feel bad about eating you, or maybe it wasn't you, maybe that was your mommy donut, or your auntie donut, either way I ate one donut from your little family of donuts and it was OUTSTANDING!

Then last night I got home and fed my family dinner and I gave my son 1/2 a donut as a treat. But this morning, alas you are all still here. Staring at me. You are telling me to eat all of you. Not just one, BUT ALL. Your reminding me how the people on Biggest Loser can eat 1500 calories in a temptation and still lose weight. Your making it sound like eating the whole box wouldn't even be, "that bad."

So I had a bite of my sons donut this morning and it was good. And I have to ask, why do you have to taste that good? You do it on purpose don't you. You were created just to ruin diets and crash weight losses. I'm on to you sweet donuts. And even though I'm on to you, I still want to eat you. I want to shovel you in my mouth and lick the crumbs off the floor.

I'm left now staring at my sons half eaten donuts with tiny bites in them thinking, I WANT TO EAT THOSE TOO! Whatever you maker did when making you, he did right. He has made me question whether I'm a human, or if I am in fact a Hoover vacuum who runs on donut crumbs.

There will be no contest this time donuts. No mailing you out and pawning you off on some other poor soul. No no no, this time donuts, it is me vs. you and one of us won't be here at the end. Chances are, it won't be you!


I see you dear sweet donuts


Up close at the chocolaty goodness


Don't look at me like that bloggers, you would eat it too


Maybe I can get by just smelling it


NO! Must eat donut


NO NO! Must not eat donut. Must just stare at it longingly instead!


Telling donuts, they are bad bad naughty little donuts. They should be ashamed of themselves
(Go ahead and count they are all still there!)

((Mandy was trying to describe my blog to her husband the other day, I stepped in saying, "I'm big on self humiliation on my blog," But then I realized I hadn't humiliated myself lately, which is why you now get these pictures and also, not even five minutes later!

3.26.2008

Which one

While driving to work this morning the following was on my radio. Which one did I listen to?

1. Sean Kingston- Beautiful girl

2. Neil Diamond- Cracklin Rose

3. My favorite talk radio show

4. Adam Corolla

5. Something on the country channel

6. That newish song by John Mayer

7. Plain White tees- Delila

8. Chingy- Holiday Inn

9. None got mad and turned on my Ipod

Hurry hurry hurry

I need to Exercise

I need to shave my armpits

(Sniffs) I probably need to throw some deodorant on there too

You know, maybe I should just go ahead and take a shower

I need to buy groceries

I need to remember to put milk on my grocery list

I need to open Codi's savings account now that I FINALLY got his SS#

I need to wash my car it is starting to look like my interior color of choice is dirty toddler shoe dust

I need to put those two cups of milk in the fridge

I need to make Brandons breakfast

I need to pee

I need to go see what Brandon is doing in his room to make all that noise

I need to brace myself for whatever I see, it is loud in there, it's going to be bad

I need to make two care packages for friends

I need to remember not to leave my freshly boiled eggs in the pot of hot water again all day resulting in hard boiled egg shaped bouncy balls

I need to drink at least 10 more cups of my chocolate raspberry Hawaiian coffee because it taste like desert

I need to do more sit ups and push ups

I need to do push ups with out a two ear old sitting on my back saying I WANNA RIDE DA HORSE

I need to tell everyone how this weekend I got a little short with Brandon and he replied with, "oh my gosh mom, my goodness." and I had to try really hard not to laugh

I still need to pee

I need to tell Brandon to get dressed AGAIN because I just walked in and found him reading books naked while covering his mr. wiggle saying look mommy it's gone, as he turns the pages

I need to tell you how yesterday my son ran over to me and farted and smewll it mom smewll it

I need to figure out why there is a tissue in my shirt in my armpit

I need to clip two toenails

I need to tell these guys on the Biggest Loser that they are a bunch of super whiney fucker baby pansey asses AND REAL MEN DON'T CRY LIKE THIS! Shit, do they just find men who are going through menopause?

I need to stop blogging so I can get all this done

Do you have anything you need to do today?

3.25.2008

Why is it so hard?

So! You want to know what shirt you wore on your first day of 4th grade? Chances are I will remember. You want to know every guy you ever kissed? I will remember. Basically anything you want to know I can remember. However. Try and get me to remember to feed my son breakfast, and the lights go out. Sure, I remember to feed myself, and that is because I can feel my tummy growl. But unless Brandon is super famished he won't tell me he is hungry. Thats why there have been numerous days when at 11:00 I suddenly think, fuck I haven't fed my kid. That is also oddly close to the time that I find him in the refrigerator savagely digging cream cheese out of a tub with his fingers.

The same goes with teeth brushing. I can feel the fur in my mouth if I haven't brushed, but remembering his. Yeah I suck at it. Which is why I had to cover my bases and bring a toothbrush to work so if I forget at home, then at some point during the day I will remember at work.

Or how about the fact that I CAN NOT remember to put his cup of milk back in the fridge. Resulting in more grossed out looks from my husband then I care to think about. No shit, do you know how many times Rob has picked up a sippy cup of cottage cheese looking milk and just shook his head at me. Oops.

It also seems I never remember to style Brandons hair until right when I am buckling him in the car seat and we are already 10 minutes late. Instead most days my child looks like he just woke up from a nap.

I never remember to turn off his TV which results in Rob saying,"babe, what did you forget to do today?" (This is a tossup, it could be Brandon's TV or the porch light, the porch light is never turned off by me.)

This all leads me to believe I'm going to be the mom who forgets her sons lunch on the counter. Which means I'm going to be that mom chasing after my kid on the playground shouting "honey you forgot your lunch sweety snookems lover muffin!"

Because honestly, if I'm going to be embarrassing myself by being a flaky forgetful idiot, I might as well embarrass him too and add some spit shining to his face for good measure right?

3.24.2008

A great summer dish, for only 300 calories

Summing up my life

A couple things I forgot

Yesterday after Brandon got his presents he was playing with his remote control tarantula outside. Somehow he turned it around so it chased him and ran into his foot. He totally flipped out and started screaming. He went to run but the spider kept chasing him because he wouldn't take his finger off the button. That was funny. However.
Later while in the house Rob wanted to play with the remote to the spider and Brandon wouldn't let him. Finally Rob asked Brandon to turn on the TV to distract him. However when Brandon walked to the TV Rob turned the spider on and chased Brandon. The result of that...Just look below!

Oh yeah, super duper melt down and ugly cry. Notice dad is laughing and smiling NOT being sympathetic!

Thing two. Last week Brandons hair was getting really long. I mentioned to my mom I wanted to get it cut. That weekend they were watching Brandon and when they brought him home they had gotten his hair cut. I was pretty confused because the cut needed some work and I knew the place they normally took him did a good job. I commented something about it and my dad commented back about where they took him. The next morning after talking to Rob we decided that the hair had to get fixed. I kept asking my mom where she took him so we could go back and have them fix it. She was kind of avoiding answering me. Finally I asked Brandon who cut his hair. He replied, "mramaw did it mramaw did it." I was like soooo mom, Brandon says you cut his hair. She started laughing and was like, shit I'm caught. Seems I had misunderstood my dad. He didn't actually say they took him somewhere he just said that place was expensive which made me think they had been there. We asked Brandon more about it and he let us know grandma did it, she used scissors and he stood on the stool.

We all had a pretty good laugh about it because one thing I always said is that Brandon couldn't go to school until I could ask him things and get accurate responses. And while his responses aren't always totally right at least I know he will answer me when I ask him stuff and it's up to me to believe him or not.

3.23.2008

Happy Easter and all that jazz

I have great pictures of Easter. I think. Maybe. I wouldn't know, the camera died and is currently sitting on the charger. And, while I could totally pull it off the charger and load pictures, I would never remember to put it back on, and that would result in another partially charged camera battery meaning that the next time my child is right in the middle of doing something TOTALLY AWESOME my camera will fucking die again!

Easter is my favorite holiday. If you read this blog you should know that. So in honor of Easter I made sure to cram AS MUCH SHIT AS POSSIBLE into 2 days! So here you go, my weekend.

Friday was Shannon money day. First, I sold one of my bassinets to Steph, she brought me money. Then I sold a second bassinet on Craigslist. They brought me money. Then my renter who has been causing me some trouble felt bad and brought me $100.00 cash. Hell yeah.

Proceeds from one bassinet went straight to checking account. The money from second bassinet went to pay a deposit on a spot for a softball tournament for my husband. That left $100.00 cold hard cash staring at me! Ginger and I had planned to have dinner together Friday so I decided to splurge and go for Fondue at the Melting Pot. We had a great time and at least 3 hours later we both left wondering how far in the parking lot we had to make it before it would be acceptable to unbutton our pants and let our bellies hang out like Homer Simpson.

Later I watched Big Brother. I saw the part where Ryan chose to take $10,000 from Shelia the single mom rather then a motorcycle. Is it just me or am I the only person who thinks a motorcycle is worth way more then $10,000? My thought would be, give the single mom her $10,000, take the bike and E-bay or Craigslist it and make wayyyyy more then the measly 10'gs. But thats just me.

Saturday morning my husbands car alarm went off for no reason. I was very tired the next day.
We woke up and I straightened up some. Then Rob took Brandon to get a hair cut. He looks fucking awesome.

While Rob went to get Brandon's hair cut I did some exercises. I did some sit ups, push ups, leg lifty things (you know you lay between a doorway and hold on, then try and lift your legs from the floor up into a 90 degree angle), and various other things. Then I decided to do some jumping jacks. Note to self. Doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but undies and a bra means you get to hear every inch of your fat slapping and jiggling around. DON'T DO THIS AGAIN!

I ironed our clothes for the Easter egg hunt that day and then hung them up. We planned to take family pictures of the egg hunt but had lunch plans before the hunt, and I knew that Brandon couldn't stay clean. I also knew that I could not stay clean (seriously spilled cheese on myself 4 times at Fondue, wasn't risking messing up my white shirt).

Went to lunch at Claim Jumper with my grandpa. I got nachos. They were amazing. Whole black beans, real melted cheese, sour cream, delicious home made salsa, oh baby, it's dirty remembering it. Brandon got the cutest little kid plate. It had macaroni, trees (broccoli) and apples with caramel. The macaroni was fantastic. Seriously, it was homemade, with real cheese and fun noodles, no boxed stuff for claim jumper. He devoured that and his trees which made me proud that he actually wanted to eat his veggies more then his trees.

Still at lunch my husband ordered the club sandwich. It was about the same length as my arm. The fries were to die for.

Headed to the Easter egg hunt and we decided this year to do the hunt for big kids. It is put on in a tiny town a few miles out of Reno at the local school. They have a little tiny kids area on the grass thats just eggs everywhere. Then a medium size kid area that is in some rocks and sagebrush. Finally the big kids get to go in the trees and mountains and dirt and stuff. We started in the medium kid area and before we even crossed into the really big kid area Brandon's Easter basket was full (note to self buy him giant basket next year.) In the big area I had to carry him over some rocks and lift him into the trees. He made out with over 40 eggs.

After the hunt we headed to the school playground and Brandon, Jaida and Maizey played together and guess what THEY DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. We took some super great family pictures and I got some awesome pics of the kids and the rest of the family (check my flicker to the right to see them).

After that we rushed to the hospital to see my friend Alli's new baby. Rob dropped me off and headed up to my grandmas house. I got up to her room and she was passed out. No part of me was going to wake a brand new mom so I sneaked a peak at the baby and left waiting for Rob to pick me back up.

We flew across town to Babies R Us where I had a date with Julia. Since I would have been late he just dropped me off there.

Julia and I shopped around the store for hours and it was really fun to have someone to go in the moms room and nurse babies with. Her little girl is soooo cute and has the reddest hair. Codi would not stop smiling and flirting with her. At one point I was worried Julia was going to tell him to back of her sweet little girl (just joking). At the end of the date I even got little Jayla to smile and giggle at me. Rob came and got me and we rushed home so he could get ready for sushi.

I realized I had forgotten to buy stuff to make the dip for the party I had to attend the next day so I hauled ass to the store and then made the dip. I only ate 2 bites of dip which is damn amazing for me.

I did eat a half a can of super processed spicy nacho cheese dip (I didn't even try and think about calories this weekend).

Rob went to sushi and I fed Codi some rice cereal and gave him a bath. He was grabbing my hand trying to jam the cereal in as fast as possible, then pushing it right back out with his tongue because he couldn't figure it out. It was so very cute.

Around 10pm my parents came over and did some super secret stuff in my backyard and then took off again.

Sunday night Robs car alarm went off again for no reason. I am now convinced someone is fucking with us because this is the third time. My theory is that they are purposely setting it off and running, hoping that we will eventually start ignoring it and then really break in.

About 1am on Sunday I suddenly felt as though someone grabbed the bed from the other side and tipped it. I literally felt as though I was rolling or spinning. It continued on for the remainder of the night. That morning I bent down and was spinning so bad I stumbled and almost fell over. By noon it was gone.

Sunday morning we got up and Brandon opened his Easter stuff from Rob and I. Then we opened the curtains to the back sliding door and saw a bicycle with training wheels, a giant thing of bubbles, a bubble gun, a helmet, knee and elbow pads, some Peeps, some malted eggs and a flute thing.

There was also a GIANT remote control tarantula. Brandon didn't give a shit about the bike or the bubbles and ran right out for his spider. He loved it. He walked it allll over the place. However he pushed the wrong button and it came after him. He took of screaming but didn't let go of the button and the spider kept chasing him. It was great.

Then Brandon looked up and realized the yard was full of plastic eggs full of money. He ran around finding eggs squeeling "I found the egg, I did it I did it mama I found the egg, I found nother egg, NOTHER EGG MAMA THERES NOTHER EGG THERES MORE NOTHER EGG. Yeah, there were a ton of eggs.

We came in and opened all his money and played for a while and then went out and played with the bubble gun and big thing of bubbles. We were all dressed and ready to head to Jaidas birthday party. We were just killing time before hand. I came inside to feed Codi and looked up to see Brandon jumping. I asked Rob to investigate and he found Brandon jumping in a mixture of bubbles and dirty. Much to my dismay he had to aquire his second outfit of the day.
We headed to Lisa's house for Jaida's birthday and made a stop along the way to pick up a present for this blogger.

When we got to the party both boys were out. When Brandon finally woke up he was doing really cute stuff in the bounce house and my camera died. We had a great time at the party. My favorite part was after cake, while the birthday girl was opening presents someone turned around and realized Brandon was quietly sitting on the table dipping his finger in the frosting on the remaining half of the cake and just gleefully eating away while all eyes were on the birthday girl.

We then went to Target to find Target closed due to the holiday. So we went to Walmart. I picked up some more color wonder stuff for Brandon. However this gave me an idea.

We got home and I proceeded to do a full on spring cleaning of Brandons room. This meant cleaning the top of his closet, going through all of his clothes (drawers and closet) and checking for sizes. Then I pulled out all of his shorts and checked those too. I cleaned out his play table and took out all of the crayons and markers he doesn't use right now since he's all about color wonder stuff. Then I got the brilliant idea to take all the caps off some of his other dried up markers and hide them in a drawer for when Brandon loses yet another lid to his favorite markers (some day I'm going to find some super mega stash of color wonder lids hidden in his room). I started cramping near my surgery scar and getting dizzy again so I hurried up and finished doing his laundry and decided to eat some ramen for dinner.

Midway through cleaning Brandons room Codi started wailing. I went in to find him covered in poop. Rob was trying to McGyver something together in Brandons room so he didn't hear my screams for help. I suddenly realized that to date Rob has not encountered a single super soaker poop of Codis. I want to know how he has planned this.

I was chatting with my mom when she reminded me that I needed to post an Easter post for ya'll because she didn't want me to leave you guys hanging for a whole weekend. I ate my ramen and sat down to write all of this out.

I'm now enjoying some chocolate and some water, spinning in circles mentally and hoping you all forgive me for not having pictures up yet.

I have to weigh in in two days. I am laughing at myself because I am pretty sure there will be no loss and a pretty good gain. I don't even care. I had a long weekend and Easter is my favorite holiday. I made it through Christmas and Thanksgiving with pretty large weight losses. But if anyone of you expected a loss during my favorite holiday of the year...well, I'm laughing out loud at you!

I must go to bed now. Codi is in his crib which means as soon as I shut my eyes he will wake up and want to be in my bed.

Happy Easter ya'll!

3.21.2008

Little girls are made of sugar, spice and rotting sewage

So I'm baby sitting a little girl. I believe she is about five. She just announced she had to go to the bathroom. A little while later Brandon has to go too. He goes in my bathroom and since he had to pooh I knew I needed to grab some baby wipes. I walk into Codis room right next to the bathroom and puked in my mouth. Thats right. The little girl had pooped so bad I threw up in my mouth IN MY MOUTH!!!! Then I walked out in the hall and it had traveled all the way to my kitchen. I ran in to spray the bathroom and puked again. IT WAS THAT BAD!

So I tell Rob. OMG girl just pooped worse then any of yours. He was like "for reals?" I was like "worse then yours and my dads combined. In fact it smells like rotting sewage mixed with rotting fish mixed with puke mixed with the dump combined with asshole". He was like, "wow, I'm impressed actually." I was like "yeah babe, if she was a guy, she would be sooooo much cooler then you!"

Because, you know, men judge how cool they are by how awful their shit smells, and how long their turds are.

Back to the sleepless nights

I was chatting with my cousin the other day about how my insomnia is coming back strong. I had insomnia for a good 10 years and I had started to finally get control of it (meaning I got a good 4-5 hours of undisturbed sleep as oppose to 2-3 of tossing and turning. I have tried Ambien and what not, and that just makes me feel stoned and philosophical, which is how most prescription drugs make me feel. She told me I need ed to stop stressing out so much at night. I busted out laughing, and realized that while I'm constantly stressed all day and my mind reals non stop at night, it goes at a different kind of non stop. You see at night, while I am up all night, I'm not thinking about bills, and work, and my kids. Noooo here are the things that run through an insomniacs mind.

Why is it Stephanie from Lazy Town is human but her uncle is plastic and really, why doesn't Little Bear wear clothes that is weird. And in the episode of Little Bear where they made duck soup by throwing a bunch of stuff in a bowl of water and letting the duck swim in it, how could they really want to eat it AFTER A DUCK SWAM IN IT! I didn't do crunchies tonight, I should for sure do them in the morning. But, the morning is my only time to relax for a while and crunchies really aren't relaxing. I'm very thirsty, but if I drink water I'll have to pee, wait, I already have to pee. Hmm do I get up and pee or just lay here and think about peeing. Okay I'll pee. Oh look, theres the closet, I really need to come up with a shoe organizing system. Why is the bathroom so scary at night? It isn't scary during the day, its a toilet, I mean IT'S A TOILET. Yeah but at night its a spooky toilet. He he it's cute when Brandon says spooky. Ugg I wish I could find comfortable pillows. I wish Rob didn't get so hot so I could have a feather duvet on our bed. You know this really isn't fair. We've gone like 5 years with his kind of blanket, shouldn't we go like 5 years with my kind of blanket. THATS IT tomorrow I'm buying a duvet. Ohhh probably not because that would involve money, and I don't spend money on me, especially because a new duvet would need a cover and then I would need matching sheets and pillow cases, and thats thousands of dollars. But I do need a new sheet. I wonder if Rob remembers the time he ripped my sheet. I remember. He was standing right there helping me make the bed when RIIIIIP he tugged to hard. I remember feeling like my heart ripped in half because that was a $250.00 Hotel Collection 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheet. Why do I always have to say the whole brand and thread count when I talk about my sheets? What was I supposed to do Saturday. Ahhh nothing. Oh wait, no there was something. What was it? SHIT I FORGET. I should carry a planner around. Wait, I tried that. It was a fancy one too and it just sat in my purse. Okay well I'm going to start using my computer calender, if only I could figure out how to synch work and home computers. I wonder if I should paint my toenails this year. Do I even have toe nail polish? I used to have gallons and gallons of the stuff. I wish I knew how to put on make up. No, I look ridiculous in make up. I wonder if Rob would be mad if I put make up on Brandon and put his hair in pig tails. No I don't even have to wonder, he would probably throw me out and change the keys. I couldn't even sneak and do it either because I would have to take a picture of it, and then I would have to put it on my blog, and he reads my blog so that won't work. Speaking of my blog, I should really write a blog about something great. Now I just need something great and funny to happen to me. What was that really funny blog I was writing in my head this morning? Think Shannon, Think! You can do this. Dammit, it was a good one too! Boinga, boinga, boinga, everything is boinga, BOINGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This writers strike is lame. I want my shows back. I wish Top Chef was on like three times a week like Big Brother. It's lame that it isn't on that often. Man, I can't believe I used to weigh as much as the people on biggest loser. How did I not see it. It must be because I was so blinded by my fabulous smile. I don't understand why people can't just smile good for pictures. I have a great picture smile. I shouldn't tell people I think this because that sounds vein or whatever. And I'm not vein, because I hate most of myself, but my smile, every time I see it I want to say KACHINGA like that guy on Cars. Kachinga Kachinga pow pow look at my smile. OH man Shannon shut up your so annoying.


Annnnnnd that takes up about 20 minutes of my night. My cousin was laughing so hard when I told her this. She thought my insomnia was caused about worrying about important stuff. Clearly some of you don't understand insomnia!

I swear we are a very nutritional family

3.20.2008

Shrimp pasta alfredo

New specs


If any one of you comments on my whiteness you will be forever banned from this blog.
An example of this would be my cousin telling me I was so white I was nearly blue.

Thanks fucker!

3.19.2008

A quick and easy griller

Mortified

Remember earlier I mentioned that my husband was being a turd this weekend.  Well I wanted to tell you my favorite story from this weekend.


Sunday morning we all wake up.  Rob eats breakfast and he heads of to take his morning dump.  All the sudden Brandon starts jumping around that he has to go to the bathroom.  So I tell him to go and make sure not to pee on the floor.  He starts bouncing around and I ask what's wrong.  He says daddy is in his bathroom.  So I say okay go in daddies and be sure to keep it in the toilet.  I put Codi down and go in after him. He pees and flushes and then I give him his undies and pants to put on. Then I go potty flush and we leave.  

About 15 minutes later I ask Rob something and he being total short with me.  I was like babe what's your problem.  He said he was annoyed because I didn't go in the bathroom with Brandon.  
Me:  Uhh yeah I did
Rob: Did you wipe him
Me: There was nothing to wipe
Rob:  Come on Shannon it smelled like shit in there, why don't you just say you didn't go in
Me: Because I did go in
Rob: Babe he was in there flushing the toilet a few times and it smells like poop, so if you didn't even know he pooped you couldn't have wiped him
Me: **Becoming VERY annoyed**  I did go in there Rob and he went pee and he put on his undies and pants and flushed
Rob: Shannon it smells like shit in there
Me: OMFG I WENT POOP CAN YOU LEAVE IT ALONE ALREADY I POOPED AFTER HE PEED THATS WHY YOU HEARD THE TOILET FLUSH TWICES (wanting to crawl in a hole and die a long death because I DON'T ADMIT TO MY HUSBAND I POOP)
Rob: **Busts out laughing**  All you had to do was say you shit
Me: NOOOOOOO Because then you would know I poop, and stop saying Shit
Rob: But you do poop
Me: You should have just trusted me and dropped it.
Rob:  You should have just said you pooped
Me:  Omg stop talking about how I pooped lets just drop it now.
Rob: **Still laughing** But you did poop
Me: STOOOOOOOPPPPP I DON'T POOP
Me: You sooooooo owe me an apology for thinking I didn't go in there and then not believing Me when I said I did
Rob: Okay, I'm sorry but you should just say you went in and shit
Me: Aggggggg shush
Rob: I could smell the shit
Me: I know but if I sprayed then you would have heard that and then you would have really known I was in there pooping so I didn't spray because I didn't think you would be in there sniffing the bathroom
Rob:  Just laughing at me.

I am sooooo mortified.  I can't believe I got caught pooping.  This is only the second time in SIX YEARS that he has caught me and it is no less embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!

3.18.2008

He tells me not to post the nice but it was just so cute

So this weekend Rob was being kind of pissy and short. It wasn't stretching to say that he was on his man period this weekend. By Sunday morning I was ready to kill him with his attitude. Around 10:00 we had to go pick up my car from the window tinting place which meant I had to ride in the car with him. Seconds before we get in the car he gets all short with me again. I got super cranky back and started pretty much ignoring him. He finally asks whats wrong and I told him that he had been being a total shit head a few times this weekend. So I turn away from him and look at the window and all the sudden I hear.



He he it was the cutest thing I've ever heard him do. I look over and hes got his bottom lip out and has this sad sorry little face on. I just busted out laughing. it was very funny. I loved it. For the rest of the day everything was okay and he got off his period. I'm glad he was a butthead this weekend though or he never would have had a chance to play me the song.

3.17.2008

As sung by Brandon

Twinkle twinkle little star, I wonder what hoppened.

Twinkle twinkle little star I go to park

Laaaaaaaaaaaa park yeah park laaaaaaa star I go to park

What hoppened little star

Finally becoming a mom

There are times in your life when you think your a mom. Times when you assume that just because you have children you are a mom. Then there are things that happen, that stop you in your tracks and make you say, TODAY I AM A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I had one of those moments. I was getting Brandon out of the car when I looked at him, licked my hand and smoothed down his hair. Then, I stopped dead in my tracks, and said, "well no shit, NOW I am a mom!!!!!"

Then a few hours later I found myself thinking how hard it is to pick your 4 month olds boogers when he won't quit wiggling and it happened again, I'm picking boogers and spit styling, why yes sir, I do think I'm a mom!

3.16.2008

It kind of reminds me of an election

The piercing question reminds me of the last election where everyone was arguing over the results. Do boobs count as 2 piercings or one, since by belly button was pierced 3 different times then is that three piercings or one? Goodness. Either way, Rachel and Coffee slut win because 3 was the number I had set in my head. However after thinking about it I realize that boobs could be two different things because I guess a lot of people only pierce one and not the other. Strange.

I went to Old Navy this weekend to grab some tank tops. I thought I would try on jeans just to gauge what size I am there. I picked up some 14s and then thought, what the hell why not grab some 12s. They fit. They were actually baggy and I probably could have tried on 10s but since I wasn't buying jeans I didn't feel like wasting the time. Anyway my actual question is this. When I started my diet I was a size 18. Now I'm roughly a size 12. So. Did I go down 6 sizes meaning 18-12 =6 or did I go down 4 sizes meaning 18, 16, 14, 12= 4 sizes? Also, why is it womens jeans aren't done like mens jeans? You know 30, 31, 32, 33. All of their pants are sized the same and they get all the sizes. I really think women get screwed. I mean I know that while the 12s are baggy the 10's might be a little snug so why is it I don't have the option of an 11 yet my husband has the option of a 31?

While I'm busy bitching about sizes please explain to me why a size 12 isn't the same size for every fucking designer? Friday at work I pulled out all of my old jeans. I had 5 pairs of Lucky's in size 14 and 2 pairs of Abercrombies in size 12. Tell me how it is the 12's fit perfect but the fucking Lucky's were snug? Or how my size 16 Old Navy jeans are GIANORMOUS but my size 16 Lucky's fit perfect?

Codi took a bath today and I think he is too chubby to fit properly in his bath tub. I find this super duper cute. He keeps looking bigger yet weight wise, no change. He has a doctors appointment Thursday and I'm excited to see his weight. I'm also excited to find out if I can feed him steak rice cereal yet, because he won't quit staring at my spoon.

Okay must go snuggle fresh bathed baby now!

3.15.2008

Yeah I'm weird I know

Sometimes while sitting here reading blogs I get bored. So I do the only logical thing I can think of. I start poking my fat. You do that right? Anyway lately, I've gotten bored simply poking my fat and now have moved on to making shapes in my fat!

My favorite, is grabbing the fat right around my belly button and squeezing it to make what I call a skin fat donut.

Don't you want a donut now?

Is it possible the slut could win again

Coffee Slut said...

hmmm, I'm gonna say 3.

SHE IS CORRECT! Rachel also guessed 3 and since I have two bags of candy I'll let you both win!
So send me your addresses wilddreemer@yahoo.com and I will mail off your candy!

Oh, what have I pierced?

Nose
Belly button (3 separate times because of surgeries)
Nipples! (hahahah Rachel, I used to have them pierced but took em out after ripping one out while brushing my hair!)

3.14.2008

And the slut wins joke contest!

The winner of the joke contest goes to Coffee Slut!

Coffee Slut said... What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.


She made me laugh so hard. I loved this joke because it was totally raunchy! You all came up with some great ones but she got the most votes. I've been reading her for about 6 months now and she cracks me up. She has really funny photos of her cats and excellent youtube videos. So everyone now go to her website and tell her how much she made you laugh with her dirty naught post!

3.13.2008

CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER

Since my mom is a big huge cheater I will have to ask a new question for the free bag of candy contest.
The previous question was: Who taught Superman how to fly?
The correct answer: DUH, my dad did. Come on now, everyone knows their dad is the one who taught Superman to fly!

However since I failed to tell my mom she better not post that answer I'm issuing a new question.

The new question is: Not counting ears, how many different body parts have I pierced?

MOM, DAD AND HUSBAND YOU CAN NOT ANSWER!

TUESDAY TUMMY TUCK YOU STILL CAN'T PLAY EITHER!

3.12.2008

Easter 1 Shannon 0

You may all remember yesterday when I broke up with Easter. I asked for a divorce and said look Easter you can have the house but I get the kids! Well today, that little shit got me back. He threw me one last fuck you. Clever little shit that Easter is.

Today I went to the store to get some stuff. Eggs, yogurt, apples, cheese, oranges, do you see a pattern? HEALTHY GOOD DIET FOOD! So. I'm walking to the lotion and soap isle to get some stuff for the boys in the house (my froo froo stuff could never be purchased at a lowly grocery store) when I pass the Easter isle. I smuggly glance over and think, HA HA EASTER I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU WON'T GET ME THIS YEAR! I head toward the check out and I pass the same purple bag from yesterday. Zooom. Past it I go. Left it in the dust. However I do spot a display for the new Bee Movie and think I'll pick it up for Brandon since he hasn't gotten DVD's lately. I finally head to the check out and the checker is like hey Becky Bagger can you go grab the free candy that goes with this movie.

Can you guess what the free candy was?


Fucking Easter. He thinks he's soooooo smart. He knew that I couldn't just leave behind FREE candy. He knew that I would hear the word free and come crawling back to him just this once. He knew if he dangled that sexy purple bag in front of me and offered it to me for free I would forgive him just one more time. I gave in. I let down my guard and I opened my heart back up. I snatched the bag out of the checkers hand so fast I saw smoke politely told the cashier thank you and left with my groceries.

I walked to my car staring at the bag. I stared at it as I loaded it up and I stared at it through the rear view mirror the whole way home. He knew what he was doing. It was like candy four play. Look at me baby, I was free and I come in a shiny bag, come on Shannon you know you want to eat me, he said softly in a come hither crinkle of his plastic bag. I got home and I stared at that little fucker some more.

Fuck you shiny purple bag of goodness

I decided that Easter wasn't going to screw me again. This time that little fucker wouldn't win. So go ahead Easter start singing your new theme song Na na na na, na na na na na hey hey hey GOODBYE! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN SUCKAH!!!!

So in conclusion, I now have one free bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs that will go to the first person to comment who can correctly tell me who taught Superman how to fly wins!

Tuesday Tummy Tuck members need not apply YOU WILL NOT WIN.

3.11.2008

All good things must come to an end

Dear Easter,

I regret to inform you, I must break up with you. While you have always been my favorite holiday I feel its time to terminate our relationship. I loved you dearly for 26 years. You were the holiday that smelled the best. You always came with flowers and tasty eggs. You provided me years of fun and enjoyment. However, it just can't go on. And, it's not me, its you. Yes, it's you. It is all your fault. You brought this on yourself. Year after year you do this to me. You convince me to cheat on my diet, and enjoy your many delicious candies. You with your sexy purple packaging. You with your clever once a year only marketing. You had to know this was coming. You had to know sooner or later my diet would win out and I would have to ask you to leave, move on from my life forever. What's that, you don't understand why I need to leave you, here let me refresh your memory.



Sincerely,
Shannon

(Editors note, this package was savagely ripped into torn when it was purchased, the owner of this package makes no omissions to consuming any of the contents, ant would like to further state that if any candies were consumed it was because they jumped right into her mouth all on their own, they were not shoveled in by the handful placed there with her consent.)

Well isn't he clever

MAMA TUM ERE (Mama come here)
Hey, mama where my bunny go? (where my money go)
So I look around, and see no money, check his pockets and then turn around. Hmmmmm

See that first stool? Then he went and got his second stool, put it on his dresser, and can you see where this is going?


See up there on the bookshelf where his piddy bank is. Yeah that is where his bunny (money) went. He put his bunny (money) in his piddy bank all on his own!

3.10.2008

Looking for a good summer eat?

Grilled steak and vegetable salad with red wine rosemary vinaigrette
Fire up that grill and make some tasty summer eats for you and your love!
Check it out here

Things men don't have to worry about...aka life is not fair

Have you ever noticed how easy the male life is? I have. Let see the obvious. They don't have periods and they don't have to be pregnant. Yeah right there = fucker heads to me!

However, other things they don't have to worry about. Some girls who are skinny won't get this, but most girls will. Men never have to worry about walking around in shorts and having the shorts hike up their thighs and make a nice little thigh sandwich out of your shorts.

Men totally don't understand your thighs rubbing together in the summer when you sport a bathing suit because they get to wear nice little board shorts.

Men totally don't understand what a pain in the ass shaving legs is. Not to mention remembering to shave under both arms so you don't come out looking half glamor and half hippie granola cruncher.

They really don't get hair. You know when you go to bed with wet hair and you wake up with that hair looking like you tied it in knots and then slicked half of it to your forehead and you suddenly developed cowlicks where you used to have a part. Men don't get that THAT DOESN'T LOOK NICE! Seriously there have been so many times where I've woken up fretting about my disaster of a hair do and my husband will say, "what, it looks fine." I want to scream THIS LOOKS FINE!!!!! NO THIS DOESN'T LOOK FINE!!! To any other girl this looks like crap. Any other girl would look at me and say, wow her hair is all kinds of fucked up. But men don't get that. Why. Why is it they are totally oblivious to hair styles?

On that same note, men totally don't get that women dress for other women not men. Know why? Because sorry dear but you soooo have no idea what really looks good on me! To you, jeans and a dirty shirt with two different colored shoes is fine, but to that girl over there I better be rolling in my finest duds or the shit talking will begin. Which leads to the fact that men really don't gossip. So not fair. How nice would it be to walk into a bar with all your friends and just sit down and drink? Noooo, when your a girl you have to walk in, freeze, do a full 360 with your eyes around the room, pick out every single person you hate then turn to your girlfriends and say, "did you see so and so is here," cross your arms and act totally un-phased, then check out the room again for all the competition, then walk over to the table where you enemy is and say hi and fake excited to see them, followed by walking up to the bar and making a scene out of ordering some stupid drinks and buying a round for your friends so everyone thinks you have money when you grab your Fendi wallet out of your Gucci purse and then of course get right on your cell phone and call some other friend and complain about everything that is happening and how you hate everyone there, and she is wearing that, and seriously I looooook so much better then everyone else. Seeeee why I say it would just be so much easier to be a guy and walk in and just drink. Uggg.

Not to mention men really don't understand going to the store and buying an entire shopping cart full of diet food and then getting home and declaring there is nothing to eat, then running to the gas station for chips and soda. Men just get the chips and soda the first time around, but we women can't do that because if we don't have the diet food in the house then we can't pretend to be on a diet when company comes over. Also having healthy food in the house is how we justify eating pasta covered in lard when we go out to dinner with people. This way we can say, "Oh I've been eating nothing but vegetables all week and I'm just so sick of dieting, I really deserve this," Meanwhile we all know she was home eating chips and candy. Men, they buy what they want, eat what they want and order what they want and they just don't get it!

We already discussed me not having periods, but since they don't have periods that means they don't understand how women NEED chocolate before their period. Or how we want to celebrate everything with chocolate, and eat chocolate when we are sad or mad or happy or bored, or its Tuesday. I mean really, how do men not get that Tuesday is a splendid excuse for a slice of chocolate cake?

Men also don't understand that just because you had ice cream after lunch it doesn't mean you don't want desert. How hard is it to get, women need desert 3 times a day!

Men also totally don't understand that to a girl, chips and salsa is a totally acceptable breakfast. Seriously have you ever noticed how men are all about eggs for breakfast and sandwich for lunch and steak for dinner and never ever can you mix those. Really, when was the last time you saw a guy consider pizza breakfast? Nope, its always eggs or cereal. Sigh. This means that when I wake up and devour chips and spicy nacho cheese, followed by four cookies for breakfast my husband thinks I'm out of my ever loving mind, me though, I totally don't understand fried eggs for breakfast!

Most men don't understand that women need a loofah, body wash, and a polishing ex foliating scrub, along with shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, scrubbing face wash, and a foot scrubber to complete their shower. They also don't get that NO I CAN'T JUST BUY THIS ALL AT THE GROCERY STORE. Sigh. I need to go to five different stores to accumulate all of this. Men are all, bar of soap jumbo bottle of clearance shampoo, don't forget to wash my balls, and I'm done!

There is a ton more, but I'd like to ask you, what do the men in your life just not get?

3.07.2008

Fuck that

I was reading this blog this morning when I saw this. Looks easy enough I said. I'm going to try it.
Am I doing it yet?

Hmm I'm going to try downward dog or what ever the fuck they call this shit

Yup! I look like a moron
Lets try that other one again

Shit I'm going to fall catch me Brandon...Brandon, where are you?

Ooooo your trying to do yoga too?

Hey Bob Harper, you may be cute but this is what Brandon and I think of your yoga!

I call this the fuck you pose!

lets vote

Here are the rules

  1. Pick the joke you like the most and leave a comment with the name of the person who left the joke
  2. The person with the most names in my comment section wins
  3. If you are anonymous you must leave your name so I know who is voting
  4. You can't vote for yourself
  5. If you have a joke that you think is funnier, or raunchier or awesomer then any of these leave it in the comments and I will post it on here to be voted on.
Sarah said...

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A: A Manila envelope!

Cristina Mathers said...

there once was a mother who woke up to no crying babies because her husband had gotten up with them, fed them and got them ready for a day out so that mommy could sleep in, get a pedicure, massage and go shopping. then she would enjoy a nice gourmet meal, some good wine and fabulous chocolate dessert. then she'd take a nice bubble bath and go to bed....


get it?

that was the joke.

Coffee Slut said...

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Patty said...

There was a lady who owned a parrot and the parrot spend her days on the balcony. However this parrot would curse out all the neighbors as they walked by the house. The lady was mortified and embarrassed by the parrot. SO she warned...

Lady: Listen Lola, I'm going to punish you for cursing at the neighbors.

The parrot kept going and cursing at everyone on a daily basis. Finally the lady got fed up and chewed up some gum and stuck it on the parrot's tushy. Since the parrot could not relieve herself the parrot's belly got bigger and bigger.

Lola: I promise not to say bad words anymore. Please take the gum out.

Lady: No! I warned you. You are going to have to behave.

Lola: Please! Please! I PROISE! I PROMISE!

Finally after 3 days the lady gave up and removed the gum. The parrot was thrilled and she was let back out on the balcony just as a pregnant lady walked by and she said:

Lola: Hey Lady tell you husband to remove the gum from your ass already!

angie said...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

No I can't get hard right now I just got laid!

Laura said...

A horse, a priest, a penguin walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says,"What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Lindz said...

What do parsley and public hair have in common?

You push them both to the side and keep on eating!


Jennifer said...

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

My balls are frozen.

Misguided Mommy said...

jennifer: your cute!

Lindz said...

There are these two muffins baking in the oven.

One muffin says to the other muffin: "Gob damn it's hot in here."

The other muffin looks at the first muffin in shock and exclaims "holy shit! It's a talking muffin!"

uumomma said...

why did the avon lady walk funny?

cuz her lips-stick

uumomma said...

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

(UU please leave me your link I'm posting this at work where I don't have my links)

3.06.2008

100

I decided to redo my 100 list since my last one was written while I was very pregnant and emotional. Also this is a great way for my new readers to get to know me.

  1. I used to spend a lot of money, now I don't. I am very selective on my spending.
  2. This means that I used to think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on jeans or a purse. Now, I look at anyone who does that and I kind of wonder what they are trying to prove.
  3. I own several Coach purses, I am now putting several on Craigs list because I no longer want to be associated with that kind of image.
  4. That means I've finally realized I am and will always be a jeans and tank top kinda girl who wears shoes with out laces and buys funky target purses.
  5. I am happier now that I went back to my roots instead of trying to be someone I'm not and impressing people I shouldn't have to impress. Back in the day I wore my moms old tie-dye shirts and jeans rather then fancy prissy shirts and leather boots. I'm happy to be back to my Vans
  6. I like to give credit where it is due. When I use someones recipe or I use their idea I always try and link to them, I like to do this to help the other people in the world get noticed. I'm also not to proud to admit when someone else helped me out with something or gave me ideas. In fact, 90% of everything I do or say I run by my mom or cousin first, and I always give them credit.
  7. I make it a point to ask people about their lives at least once a day with out mentioning whats going on in my own life.
  8. I've tried to learn to stop replying to everything someone says with stuff like, "oh me to," or "oh well I have a better story," I don't always succeed but I am trying so hard to make an effort.
  9. I really genuinely don't like being touched. Only about 5 people in my life really know and respect this
  10. I get more upset when I tell someone and they act like I'm not serious and hug me anyway
  11. I don't like acknowledging how I feel about hugs so if you don't know most of the time I will just allow you to hug me and scream on the inside.
  12. This is one reason I love my husband, he has learned to tell people to back off me when I'm not brave enough to do it
  13. I've been in a state of depression for almost 2 months. I can't figure out how to get out, but I think I appear as a functioning depressed person
  14. Last week I told my husband I wanted to go on medicine for this, but breast feeding is so important to me, I would rather be nutty for 15 months then not nurse my child
  15. I am passionate about breastfeeding, I realize I come across bold about this and piss people off and I just don't care. If you physically can't nurse fine, but if you can and you simply choose not to, and refuse to even try, it's safe to say I have some pretty bold statements going through my head about you.
  16. I am not sorry for this, I'm not sorry for a lot of who I am, I have to accept me and surround myself with people who are willing to accept that sometimes I'm just a shit head
  17. I can't eat avocados or olives, or anything with a pit for that matter.
  18. I just learned this which means I forget it weekly and eat something bad
  19. When I do this it hurts like a motherfucker and I wonder how I could forget. I forget again an hour later
  20. I can not cut chocolate from my life. I actually must consume at least one bite of chocolate a day or I might combust
  21. I hate plain water. Which is why giving up flavored water for lent has led me to drink massive amounts of tea
  22. All that caffeine does not make me any less tired
  23. My newborn sleeps more then my 2 year old. I don't understand this
  24. I really want to be funny but, I think I was born more dorky then funny
  25. The sunshine makes my dork level increase by about 400%
  26. I really want to have youtube video that is popular simply because of how geeky I am
  27. I'm not very smart, I finally made a couple new female friends and they live so far that I can't even afford to go visit them. Emery, Patty, Jen I'm talking to you. Please kindly move to Nevada mmmkay!
  28. I almost always look at the clock at 10:29 which is my birthday.
  29. I feel like a geek noticing this
  30. I am very uncomfortable around people who aren't one of the six closest people in my life, Lisa, Ginger, Katie, my husband and my mom and dad
  31. I am far more comfortable around men then women. That means I'd rather have my husbands friends over then most of my own.
  32. I want to play the drums sooooo bad
  33. I do play a mean set of air drums though
  34. I air drum the most to Offspring
  35. Offspring is my favorite band, I think some people think less of me for this
  36. I can only write in blue pen
  37. I prefer real pencils to mechanical pencils
  38. I get attached to objects meaning I get very angry if I find my pen on your desk and I didn't leave it there
  39. That means when my thieving husband steals waitresses pens because they "write nice" I give him hell every single time
  40. I have a phobia of restaurant glasses they oog me out
  41. Often I have a phobia of all plates and silverware too, as bad as it is for the environment I would rather use paper and plastic so I know that my germs are the only germs on them
  42. I STILL can not eat cereal since Ginger told me about the bugs in cereal. Even though I realize there is bugs in other food I have formed a mental roadblock for cereal and can not eat it
  43. I crave cereal every day
  44. If I was on Fear Factor and they offered me a million dollars to eat fish, totally normal cooked fish, I think I would go about happily being broke instead of eating fish!
  45. I like to pop my hips, like people pop their knuckles
  46. I don't paint my nails it looks weird when I see polish on my hands, I end up peeling it off
  47. My three month old just pooped on me
  48. I changed clothes and I still smell poop
  49. I like the way newborn poop smells
  50. Since I'm nursing Codi and I have the same scent of farts. I think this is funny
  51. I haven't told anyone that because I'm pretty sure you all think I've lost my mind now
  52. Curiosity gets the better of me an I have to look before I can flush
  53. The sound of bathroom fans makes me insane
  54. I hate cans that aren't built to stack with the bottom smaller then the top I always get mad and then refuse to stack those
  55. I use cloth bags at the grocery store
  56. I forget them 1 out of 5 shopping trips
  57. I now have so many paper bags I don't know where to store them
  58. I have never beat Mario one or three
  59. Those are the only games I've played mostly
  60. When I'm sick I don't like to drink water, it makes me throw up
  61. I drink milk with ice cream
  62. I drink milk with spaghetti
  63. I will not drink whole milk
  64. But I will put it in my oatmeal
  65. I always remember not to cuss when my kids AREN'T there
  66. When I was little my grandma taught me to walk in a straight line and cross my ankles like a lady
  67. Because I walked in a straight line guys used to say I shook my ass
  68. So did girls
  69. Girls hated me in school for all the wrong reasons
  70. They didn't even know about the actual reasons they should have hated me
  71. People reaquaint with me now and tell me that I am much nicer then they ever thought I would have been, they were too afraid to give me a chance before
  72. I love my eyes
  73. I think it is important to know how to smile for a picture
  74. Both my husband and I can do a perfect picture smile at any notice
  75. I think this is because we both had braces and we really earned that smile
  76. I made my dentist take my braces off early because I refused to start school with braces
  77. Kissing boys with rubber bands in your mouth is nearly impossible
  78. So is kissing your boyfriend right after having your wisdom teeth pulled
  79. I think mine were defective because I didn't have wisdom even before they pulled them out
  80. I write notes on my calender
  81. I lose them every time
  82. I am dying to see a picture of val and swistle
  83. My favorite sandwich consists of fresh white wonder bread, mayo and plastic cheese.
  84. I used to love hot dogs and bologna in my eggs
  85. I used to love eggs
  86. Now I only eat them hard boiled
  87. Or in cake
  88. Cake is good
  89. I prefer chocolate cake
  90. Do you have any cake?
  91. I can't bake for shit
  92. I can cook anything savory but baking cakes and cookies, thats a laugh
  93. I don't mind eating cookies
  94. Do you have any cookies?
  95. Girl scout cookies are my favorite
  96. I have heartburn
  97. My rolaids are too far away
  98. I wish I could be a better mom
  99. I wish I wasn't crazy
  100. Someday my goal is to accept me for me and have the rest of the world accept me too

Houston we have a problem



3.05.2008

One year later

The day I found out I was pregnant with Codi I weighed 161. I had just lost 34 pounds. Here I am on 03.15.08

2 weeks after having Codi here I am at about 195

I've now come full circle. One year later I weigh 160.4 and am in the same outfit as I was when I got pregnant. I'm moving on to my next goal of 150 pounds.
ALSO, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THAT THE ONLY HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTO ONE AND PHOTO TWO IS I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET WHITER???? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE A DAMN ALBINO!
To watch my progress along with the progress of my friends come see us here. Remember, it's not to late to join.
Tuesday Tummy Tuck

3.04.2008

BULLETS

  • I wake up often during the night. Ever time I wake up during the night, and in the morning I wake up singing the fucking Backyardagins commercial. If you watch Noggin you know what I mean. The BOINGA SONG. Boinga, everything is boinga (pronounced boyn GA). Boinga is a stupid song to have stuck in your head. So now, every time I wake up I am up for at least 45 minutes trying to stop singing Boinga.
  • Last night for a little variety I woke up singing a tune from Lazy Town.
  • Starting your day singing children's songs is a great sign of the day to come.
  • I also lay around in bed thinking of blogs. For instance last night I laid there for hours saying, self, you need to post about the fucking boinga so maybe the fucking boinga will go away. In my head I said it just like that.
  • Do you know that every time I'm about to do something I take my glasses off. This includes read. So right now I go to staple some checks and I put my glasses on my head. When I eat they have to be off my face. It drives me nuts, I hate having them on but can't see with out em.
  • It is VERY hard to work with a new born smiling at you
  • Yes I call my three and a half month old son a newborn what you gonna do about it?
  • When I stack papers the smallest one has to be on top. So earlier I was putting all the checks in a stack. Most are stapled to a larger piece of paper but two aren't. Those two have to be on top or I totally freak out.
  • On the same note when I make a bank deposit all the large size checks have to be in back and the small ones in front. Then they have to be written on the deposit in the order of smallest check to largest checks. Checks that are taller then the large checks but less wide really piss me off and ruin my whole day because they have to go out of order.
  • I'm eating lunch right now egg salad, and ever since my husband toasted his bread for an egg salad I have to toast mine. In fact egg salad on untoasted bread is just plain wrong now.
  • I've chewed so much gum today in order to avoid over snacking that my tongue hurts from all the chewing.
  • I've had about 7 cups of tea today and I think I've peed more then when I was pregnant.
  • It is 43 degrees outside and I'm wearing flip flops simply becuase 43 degrees is warmer then 10 degrees and there is no visible snow which means it is flip flop weather in my eyes.
  • I am done with my lunch break that means I have to stop typing now and go back to working. Adios suckers!

3.03.2008

Tonights dinner


Just not ready to go to work


I want to watch Iron Chef and sleep some more. Did you know having two kids makes sleep non existent? Did you know that the new born isn't the one causing the lack of sleep? It is the 2 year old who likes to wake up at 4:45 AM. Did you know 4:45 means he slept in? I've been showering at night a lot. Which means I wake up with that, What the fuck is wrong with my hair look. My bangs are slicked back on the top of my head, my hair has waves that aren't the sexy kind and my part kind of bends funny. I'm feeling bloated and nothing fits. Brushing my teeth would take effort. Bending down to put on socks would be considered my exercise for the day. Sigh. Do you ever feel like this?

I feel like a Shel Silverstein poem, tell me, how do you feel today?

Sick
by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"



Are you hungry yet


In case you were wondering what to make for dinner, how does smokey mozzarella chicken with asparagus and potatoes sound?
http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.com/

3.02.2008

Pee

Yeah. Thats right. I'm going to post about pee. My son is potty trained. He has been since he was just over two. I love this. While I totally love not changing diapers, I still have to wipe his ass all the same so that feels no different. In fact, in some instances him being potty trained feels a little more like a root canal, it hurts like shit for a while and then eventually feels better. Right now, him being potty training hurts like shit.

At least 3 times a week I go into the bathroom to find poop smeared across the toilet. Great. Not only does that mean he was in here grunting out poops bigger then the pork loin I cooked last night and smearing it on my seat, it also means hes now running around the house with poop smeared all over his butt and likely on his fingers from attempting to wipe an assfull of poop with one tiny 1/4 inch of toilet paper.

However, the poop isn't even what gets me. Its the fucking pee. At first, he used to just have some insane nack for pissing right under the toilet seat. It was like he would sit down and think, gee how can I make peeing the most fun. I know, I'll pee right between the seat and the bowl so it shoots out all over the wall and scale and carpet in front of me. Shit this is more fun then going to a circus.

Finally my husband magically taught him to hold his peepee and aim down! Novel idea huh, not pissing on the wall every day. But then, while hanging out with his nanny one day he let a little pee slip out of the toilet and she laughed. Smart cookie there. You should always laugh when your child is doing something wrong, really, laughing is exactly what to do to make them stop. The next thing I know he is arching his pelvis making the pee shoot over the seat and ALL over the floor. Apparently he hadn't peed in a month because he managed to make a puddle in front of the toilet, behind it, under it, down the hall and probably out side down the block. I was pissed off. He continued doing this shit for about 2 weeks hoping I would laugh. Once again my magic husband broke him of this habit.

Enter my dad. He got the idea in his head that Brandon was 13 and totally capable of aiming his tiny piss rocket into the toilet. Yeah, he thought it would be awesome to teach my 2 year old child to pee standing up. So yeah okay sure, if I managed to have spidey sense and know every time he peed and I somehow got him to aim right the first time it would be fun. However the last 3 times he's gone in with out me knowing, started peeing above the toilet and finding that so fun continued peeing all down the side of the counter on top of the counter in the sink, and honestly I don't even want to think of my toothbrush, well that wasn't so awesome.

Anyway I told EVERYONE no more standing to pee, and EVERYONE laughed at me like oh whatever Shannon your such a party pooper. Then last night, I walked in to see him soaking my bathroom and that was it. It was 7:30 at night, I was pooped and my fucking bathroom was covered in pee. I haphazardly cleaned it up, knowing today was huge cleaning day (every two weeks I scrub every inch of my house) and told my parents under no certain terms that THEY BETTER STOP LETTING HIM PEE STANDING UP BECAUSE I WAS A BIG PILE OF MESSY TEARS AND CLEANING PEE WASN'T HELPING. We talked to Brandon and said no more standing, only sitting and only PEE IN THE TOILET!

However it appears the damage is done. Just now he informed me he had to pee. I was holding Codi so by the time I put him down and made it to the bathroom Brandon was already on the toilet. He said, "Look mommy I sit down pee toilet." I was soo proud of him. Upon further inspection I saw it. Pee all over the side of the counter, the wall, the plunger, the trash, the floor and the toilet. What I figure happened is he attempted peeing standing up one more time, realized he was peeing every where but in the toilet freaked out and tried to sit down and finish before he heard me coming. So that means my freshly scrubbed bathroom was now covered in piss again. I was deflated. I told him to just go find his dad and proceeded to scrub the floors, walls, and other things I had just scrubbed. I feel like bawling. Cleaning pee is not my idea of a happy Sunday. So, in case you were thinking about potty training your child...remember diapers really aren't all that bad!

**Edited to add: Don't even get me started on the track marks I just found on his brand new clean fresh comforter.

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