3.10.2008

Things men don't have to worry about...aka life is not fair

Have you ever noticed how easy the male life is? I have. Let see the obvious. They don't have periods and they don't have to be pregnant. Yeah right there = fucker heads to me!

However, other things they don't have to worry about. Some girls who are skinny won't get this, but most girls will. Men never have to worry about walking around in shorts and having the shorts hike up their thighs and make a nice little thigh sandwich out of your shorts.

Men totally don't understand your thighs rubbing together in the summer when you sport a bathing suit because they get to wear nice little board shorts.

Men totally don't understand what a pain in the ass shaving legs is. Not to mention remembering to shave under both arms so you don't come out looking half glamor and half hippie granola cruncher.

They really don't get hair. You know when you go to bed with wet hair and you wake up with that hair looking like you tied it in knots and then slicked half of it to your forehead and you suddenly developed cowlicks where you used to have a part. Men don't get that THAT DOESN'T LOOK NICE! Seriously there have been so many times where I've woken up fretting about my disaster of a hair do and my husband will say, "what, it looks fine." I want to scream THIS LOOKS FINE!!!!! NO THIS DOESN'T LOOK FINE!!! To any other girl this looks like crap. Any other girl would look at me and say, wow her hair is all kinds of fucked up. But men don't get that. Why. Why is it they are totally oblivious to hair styles?

On that same note, men totally don't get that women dress for other women not men. Know why? Because sorry dear but you soooo have no idea what really looks good on me! To you, jeans and a dirty shirt with two different colored shoes is fine, but to that girl over there I better be rolling in my finest duds or the shit talking will begin. Which leads to the fact that men really don't gossip. So not fair. How nice would it be to walk into a bar with all your friends and just sit down and drink? Noooo, when your a girl you have to walk in, freeze, do a full 360 with your eyes around the room, pick out every single person you hate then turn to your girlfriends and say, "did you see so and so is here," cross your arms and act totally un-phased, then check out the room again for all the competition, then walk over to the table where you enemy is and say hi and fake excited to see them, followed by walking up to the bar and making a scene out of ordering some stupid drinks and buying a round for your friends so everyone thinks you have money when you grab your Fendi wallet out of your Gucci purse and then of course get right on your cell phone and call some other friend and complain about everything that is happening and how you hate everyone there, and she is wearing that, and seriously I looooook so much better then everyone else. Seeeee why I say it would just be so much easier to be a guy and walk in and just drink. Uggg.

Not to mention men really don't understand going to the store and buying an entire shopping cart full of diet food and then getting home and declaring there is nothing to eat, then running to the gas station for chips and soda. Men just get the chips and soda the first time around, but we women can't do that because if we don't have the diet food in the house then we can't pretend to be on a diet when company comes over. Also having healthy food in the house is how we justify eating pasta covered in lard when we go out to dinner with people. This way we can say, "Oh I've been eating nothing but vegetables all week and I'm just so sick of dieting, I really deserve this," Meanwhile we all know she was home eating chips and candy. Men, they buy what they want, eat what they want and order what they want and they just don't get it!

We already discussed me not having periods, but since they don't have periods that means they don't understand how women NEED chocolate before their period. Or how we want to celebrate everything with chocolate, and eat chocolate when we are sad or mad or happy or bored, or its Tuesday. I mean really, how do men not get that Tuesday is a splendid excuse for a slice of chocolate cake?

Men also don't understand that just because you had ice cream after lunch it doesn't mean you don't want desert. How hard is it to get, women need desert 3 times a day!

Men also totally don't understand that to a girl, chips and salsa is a totally acceptable breakfast. Seriously have you ever noticed how men are all about eggs for breakfast and sandwich for lunch and steak for dinner and never ever can you mix those. Really, when was the last time you saw a guy consider pizza breakfast? Nope, its always eggs or cereal. Sigh. This means that when I wake up and devour chips and spicy nacho cheese, followed by four cookies for breakfast my husband thinks I'm out of my ever loving mind, me though, I totally don't understand fried eggs for breakfast!

Most men don't understand that women need a loofah, body wash, and a polishing ex foliating scrub, along with shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, scrubbing face wash, and a foot scrubber to complete their shower. They also don't get that NO I CAN'T JUST BUY THIS ALL AT THE GROCERY STORE. Sigh. I need to go to five different stores to accumulate all of this. Men are all, bar of soap jumbo bottle of clearance shampoo, don't forget to wash my balls, and I'm done!

There is a ton more, but I'd like to ask you, what do the men in your life just not get?

13 comments:

Someone Being Me said...

They don't get why it takes so long to get ready. I have to dry my hair and curl it plus put on makeup and matching jewelry. You have to put on shorts, a t-shirt and a hat. They don't understand why we have so much junk in our purses but have no problem asking us to carry their wallet, keys, cell phone oh and can they have a stick of gum please? They don't understand why we are always cold but they want us to look like a stick figure and wear a mini skirt and tank top to look sexy for them.

Mrs. F said...

Wow, you covered a lot of bases there.

My man does not get all of the above...Also he does not get why I get too bundled up when I leave the house. What he really does not get about this is when I complain that I am too warm. Uh, I can strip off layers hunny, just be glad that I am not too cold, because then I would be asking to borrow your jacket, tee hee.

Jeninacide said...

My husband does NOT understand that when dressing our baby BLACK onesies are NOT to be paired with NAVY pants or BROWN overalls. OMG I swear he is FREAKING COLOR BLIND! He says "He's a BABY! HE doesn't CARE what he is wearing..."

But I CARE. I DO. And my husband does NOT get it.

Sarah said...

I have a toolbox for all my makeup. (It is literally the size of a small toolbox, but of course, I spent a fortune on it, because it came from a fancy-schmancy makeup store.) Anyway, I was about to put on my face one day and my fiance joked about me "Busting out the toolbox!" He said he'd never seen me pull it out before - that it's always just sitting on the floor of our room. I was all, "Uhh, EXCUSE ME?! I bring out the toolbox once, IF NOT TWICE a day! Can you REALLY not tell the difference when I have makeup on as opposed to when I don't?! What the hell am I wasting my time for?!"

Not So Perfect said...

There are a million things my husband doesn't understand. But one thing that covers almost all bases is he doesn't understand how complicated the life of a woman is. He views life much more simply which I wish for the life of me I could do, but I can't. He takes something someone says at word value, where I am always looking for the meaning behind the words and over analyzing it.

He doesn't understand why I care so much about what other people think of me. He will say things like "who cares what they think what are they going to do take your birthday away?"

Oh I just thought of something else that is so unfair. Uh...have you ever heard a person complain about the way a man keeps his house? Like if someone's house is messy it is always the woman's fault, never the mans.

Christy said...

My husband is the same way about my hair looking crazy. I'll say, "My hair looks like shit today." And he'll say, "it looks the same as it always does." This leads me to wonder if I always look like shit.

Misguided Mommy said...

Someone being me: Ha! my husband takes longer then me, I tease him every time

Mrs F: Excellent point!!!

Jeninacide: Seriously lets not get started on the color blind thing, really, just ask my husband if this is blue or green

Sarah: yeaaaaah that would piss me right off!!!!

Not so perfect: Yeah a man with a messy house is just a man with a "bachelor pad" wtf is that

Christy: SEEEEEEE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!!!!!! How do they not get it!!!!!!!!! Ugggggg

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm going to have to say something, since the only one who's commenting is all women.

-Men do have periods. And every single woman knows this. I know that my wife knows when I'm on mine. Just because it's not scheduled like women doesn't mean we don't have one.
-Guys don't have to worry about the short or thigh thingy but guys do worry about chaffed asses. So I'm going to say that's even.
-Some guys shave.
-Hair, no we do not get. We don't really care. Just as long as you have hair and don't go Britney Spears on your head, we're good. ex. a girl at work came into work one day, and I noticed her hair was curly, usually straight, so I thought that she did her hair. Found out later in the day, that she had a long night and it was her hair do from the night before. Yeah we don't care.
-When we tell you jeans and a t-shirt looks good, it's because it does. That's fine that you want to dress for other girls too, but if we tell you something really simple looks good, it does
-Men don't gossip. That's why we are guys. If you gossip, you're a woman
-Yes guys buy what food they want.
-Some guys do eat cold pizza for breakfast. Me I don't like cold pizza period. But I do want breakfast over chips and salsa.
-Nope, can't forget to wash your balls. Women, if you had these, you would wash and play with them also.
.......Now to the comments
-Someone being me-I take longer then my wife, but not too much longer. Purses are dumb..lol. I hold my wifes keys and phone
-Mrs.f-When my wife sleeps, she wears undies and a tank top. Then she complains that she is freezing. hmmmmm..I don't know. You tell me what's wrong with that?
-jeninacide-my wife claims that I'm color blind too. We had a disagreement about the color of something just this past weekend. Yeah she's dumb, it's yellow.
-sarah-my wife doesn't wear makeup and she's beautiful. She does have the mini tool box tho. When she puts on the makeup, she does look good too. No men don't notice when you get ready or put on your makeup unless it's making us late to go to the bar or something.
-not so perfect-sorry but I'm going to have to agree with your husband and say "who f&^%ing cares?" I think that was hilarious, about the birthday thing. I mean, they are complete strangers and who cares what they think of you. It's not like they are your friends or family. It's always the womans mess...lol
-christy-we don't think it looks like shit. We think it looks fine because we really don't fixate on hair.

Anonymous said...

Oh sorry to leave who I was. This is Shannons husband =)

Anonymous said...

Okay, what my boyfriend neverever get is, that I really neeeeeeeeed some jacket for the sommer, some jacket for the winter and OF COURSE the between-seasons jacket... and shoes... and handbag...

greetings, rilly

Jennifer said...

lol. I loved your hubby's comment. Too funny.

My hubby doesn't understand that I HAVE to shower before we go anywhere. It doesn't matter if we're going to bfast at IHOP. I MUST SHOWER FIRST. I may not stink, but I just feel icky.

I'm not into getting all dressed up and I'm not one to go to bars, so I'm a boring loser. :) I am a wash n go girl so I don't really "fix" my hair. I do brush it once it dries then pull it back into a ponytail.

Lisa said...

NOTE TO ROB: Just because you may throw a temper-tantrum once in a while does not mean you are having your period! It just means you are a whiney baby!You aren't bent over wanting to curl up into a ball and cry because of cramps. You do not have blood leaking out of places blood really should come out of and then have to cram shit up there in order to plug the blood from coming out. And then when we are on our period we still have to dress up and put a smile on our face, and continue to do our job and all the chores around the house all without complaining. So in summary Rob, no men do not experience periods you cry baby!

Anonymous said...

Just to Lisa. Maybe we do whine. Cramps c'mon, let's get real. Cramps are cramps. So what? Cramps don't hurt. Stop being such a sissy lala. Having a period is like having a bloody nose, stick a kleenex in it and just wait til it stops. And that is a place where blood should be coming out. God made it that way. A place where blood shouldn't be coming out of would be like, out of my butt hole or d*&^. And yes, when you are on your period, you do still have to dress up and put a smile on your face, and continue to do our job and all the chores around the house all without complaining. I'm so glad that we agree on something. =)

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