4.30.2008

Mamas got a brand new toy

Isn't it beautiful
It's gorgeous isn't it

Do you see it close up?

NOW do you see what it is?

This new Canon Digital Rebel XTi sure does take some great pictures of my pimples huh? Look you can see every one of my eyebrow hairs. If I primped and stuff this would be a clear sign that mama needs a brow wax. I also need a shower, an some chapstick. Gosh. I will not be focusing any more photos this close on me!

A pretty lame attempt at funny

One of my most favorite blogs to read would be Val. She is um, everything I think I would have turned out to be had I not, gotten married and had kids. Oh yeah, and if I was BRAVE! As a little aside to Val, I just recently (read with in the month) realized Val was short for Valley Girl and not just some old lady pseudo name you chose for your self. I'm a quick one, I am!

Anywho she recently wrote this post about people stealing her ideas and what not. I did immediately did what I think every other blogger did and said, "oh no is it me she is mad at?"

But then I stepped back in reality and realized even if I wanted I couldn't pretend to steal even a shred of her glamorous life. However, I could totally rip her off in a less funny, kind of sad way, which is just what I intend to do (I'm gonna tell her ya'll gosh).

My current favorite post of Val's is this one. I giggle like a school girl every time I read it, err, look at it. This explains it a little better. (Val, I'm trying to back link like you do just for this one post and it's driving me fucking bonkers, I now have a new found respect for every goddamn link you post in your blogs)!

So, in honor of Val, I present to you all, my version of THE MECHANICS. Here is how the current three some in my house goes!

Also, I'm not near as fancy as ya'll with your photoshop doohicky, so I drew this in Microsoft Word, then made a screen shot (that Lee reminds me how to do daily), put it in my iphoto and cropped it. Look at me go.

4.28.2008

Ahem, Can I please have a moist towelette?


You have a little something right there...just a smidge

Exhausting

I can't count how many times lately that I've said or written or thought, "I'm exhausted". People keep looking for a reason. Even I looked too. It isn't lack of sleep, because I've never slept so my body is used to that. It isn't how I'm eating. It isn't the amount of exercise I'm getting. I couldn't pin point it until this morning. For a while I thought I was stuck in a 5 month black hole. But now I'm beginning to realize it's been a series of holes. In and out in and out in and out.

I realized there have been a few days where I would say, "I feel like I am coming out of it," only what was really happing is I had come out of it, for about two days and then I would fall back in. I now understand this constant up and down is what is exhausting me.

My mind is in a mental cage match, I feel like I'm being mentally body slammed every ten minutes. I go in and out so fast I know longer know the difference between the two. Just when I feel my self coming out BAMN. I feel like I've been tossed into a well. When I look down at my fingers I expect to see them bloodied because I feel like I'm constantly trying to climb out, and just when I reach the edge I fall back in, and right now I feel like I'm drowning.

It is that right there that is exhausting my mind and body. Talking abut it is exhausting. Knowing people think nothing is wrong is exhausting. Trying to hold it together and not sit crying for hours is exhausting. Attempting to complete every day mundane tasks is exhausting. Trying to draw the line between having control of this, and become a bad mom, wife, friend is exhausting. Trying to keep it to myself so that I don't bring anyone else down is the most exhausting part of all.

Fighting with myself to write this was hard. I don't want to write this and then hear the questions, and see the looks, or hear the voices in other peoples heads when they feel like there is nothing really wrong. But I can't not write it because wrestling with this all alone is impossible. These thoughts are engulfing me and swallowing me like a tidal wave.

I hate being the blog that depresses people, but at times I feel it isn't fair for me to carry this alone. Then I think when I'm not being funny I'm letting down those like me who read blogs searching for comic relief in their lives.

I'm loaded with things I should be doing and then when I don't do them I feel like I'm failing. I've been trying to choose things simply for me and I'm left feeling selfish, and as if I have let the world down because I can't do it all, or remember it all.

My kids are my saving grace. Their innocence and carefree attitude gives me hope. I would love to some day feel a glimmer of the happiness they feel. That is why I feel as if I'm letting down the universe when I lose my temper with Brandon. Because in essence my children are my universe. My husband is a simple man, so it takes a lot to let him down, but these kids, they don't know any thing besides 100%. Kids don't understand, "hang on mommy just needs to relax." Kids don't understand that saying mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom every fucking second of the day is actually enough to drive a person insane. It is because of this I feel like I can't even get mad at him.

This weekend there was a point (when he flushed his jammies down the toilet to be exact) where I just had to walk in my room and scream. The sad part though is I wasn't screaming because I was mad. Because in reality I thought it was pretty funny and I wanted to take a picture. I was screaming because knowing that I had to clean it, and stop him, and handle one more fucking situation suddenly became so overwhelming I felt it was either I scream in my room or I flush him down the toilet too.

I've been trying so hard to be better to Brandon. Trying to talk to him rather then yell. Trying to rationalize with him. Trying to understand, he's only two, he's going to get in trouble a lot. He doesn't understand anger. He doesn't understand long explanations. He doesn't understand people need to work, or cook, or do things. All he knows is that he wants something and he wants it now. He isn't old enough to know anything different, and I really try and understand that.

The mental and physical exhaustion is killing me. It's making it so hard to function, and yet the insomnia keeps me up at night making sleep impossible. My mind never sleeps, and I never sleep.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to sit in a closet and cry and cry and cry. Huge convulsing ugly tears. But I can't. I have to be a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a daughter, and doing that sort of thing just makes it harder on those around me. So I put on a happy face in order to protect them.

Only, now I'm wondering, when am I supposed to protect me?

CRAWLING

NOW THAT HE IS CRAWLING, HE HAS DECIDED TO START CRAWLING OUT OF SQUISHY SOFT CODI BABY SIDE OF MY OFFICE AND CRAWL OVER TO YUCKY METAL DESK SIDE..AND THEN OF COURSE, LICK MY METAL DESK. UHH GUESS IT'S TIME TO START CHILD PROOFING THE OFFICE AGAIN EH?

4.27.2008

This weekend should have caused me to have a mental overload

Things my child did this weekend

  • He put a handful of soap in his hair, spiked it up and declared it washed, then..
  • He cut his own hair!
  • With scissors
  • Then he cut holes in my favorite shirt of his
  • Again, WITH SCISSORS
  • He spent the rest of the weekend declaring he got a haircut
  • In an attempt to throw his cupcake outside he instead threw it so it landed half on my wall and half outside
  • While I was cleaning cupcake bits off the floor and wall he was busy eating said cupcake off the dirty sandy patio out back
  • When I asked him to get off the toilet and get dressed he informed me, "no, I just have more poop in my butt, I not done."
  • I walked in to find him flushing his pajama pants down the toilet, then pulling them out and swinging them over his head like a lasso
  • I told him no, came back and found him flushing an entire roll of baby wipes down the toilet
  • It was time to eat so I gave him some cream of wheat, which he decided to eat with his fingers
  • He also decided to smear cream of wheat HEAD TO TOE down his body, across my table and on my chairs
  • I laid out his outfit for the day, a cute pair of brown and orange board shorts with a hibiscus flower and a wife beater, he exclaimed to Rob, "I NOT WEAR THESE SHORTS THEY TO FOWERY"
  • Followed by, "Dad, these shorts are fower power"
  • I then walked in on him flushing a crayon down the toilet. He went to time out, came out and ...
  • Flushed another crayon down the toilet while dying of laughter
  • Responded to everything Rob told him with SO SO SO SO SO!
  • Then he body slammed Codi and made him scream
  • Then it was time for another meal. He put a couple bites of food in his mouth, chewed it and then turned his head to the right and spit it about two feet across the floor
  • He thought this was hysterical
  • I did not
  • Finally he looked at me and said, "mama, you a girl, and I'm a guy, I'm a guy and a kid"
  • "And mama, you a pincess, mama is a pincess"

I'M EXHAUSTED!

Whats all this talk about a reveal?

A LOT of people have been asking me about my big weight loss reveal. I'm all, uhhh, whu? I'm supposed to do a reveal? Hmmm. So! I'm about five pounds away from my original goal, (I am 156 goal is 150). My next goal is simply 145, however I think I need to get to 143 to fit into those jeans I tried on this weekend. First I want to say, I'm not done, we will call this a mini reveal. I'll do another reveal when I reach my final goal, and you know, I have a tan and style my hair and stuff.

A few mini goals I have reached though. I can cross my legs, rather then just resting my ankle on my knee. Fat people can not cross their legs. I can wear a belt, as shown below. And I don't mean I couldn't before, I mean I can now wear a belt as an accessory and not have my shirt yanked down over it to hide my waist. I can buy jeans in almost any store (fucking Abercrombie and their rule about not going over size 10). I can wear some cute tops with out looking pregnant. I can run for 15 minutes on a treadmill which totals about 1.5 miles. This is a vast improvement from the 1/10th of a mile I used to be able to run. I can also run with out feeling like I smoked 15 packs of cigarettes in 4 minutes. These are some of my small achievements. I have more that I hope to reach. I want to feel good in a bathing suit, and not like, oh she looks good for having two kids, but just, OH SHE LOOKS GOOD. I want to wear the jeans I wore the night I met my husband. I want to be able to buy this one certain pair of Luckys (they stop one size below mine, how odd that Lucky only sells some jeans in 32 and some in 33.) Anyway, here you go.

December 2007 weighing 195 lbs
One hour ago, weighing 156.6

4.25.2008

Tell me your best story

So. Back in school I wasn't always the brainiest of the bunch. This meant that there were more then a few times in school I might have gotten some failure notices in the mail. And since I'm 26 now, and have kids, and out of the house I think it's safe to tell this story with out my mom grounding me.

Back around 8th grade I knew I was going to get an academic warning notice. I knew it was going to have a lot of the grade that is the same as the first letter in my favorite 4 letter cuss word (for those of you who are dense thats an F for FUCK). I went to Gingers the weekend I knew it was coming. We some how got to my house and got it out of the mail. We then went to her house to throw it away. Only I was still worried. What if her mom dropped something in the trash, went to retrieve it and saw the failure notice. So we got a better idea. We were going to burn the fucker.

We put it in a coffee tin, lit it on fire and said good bye. Only, I freaked out again. What if her mom saw the ashes in the trash and wondered why we were burning shit. Soooo I came up with the final brilliant plan. We were going to send that bitch down the river behind her house. Down the river it went never to be seen again. But can I tell you how long I worried that somehow my mom would go near that river and see the can and open it up and find the burned paper and magically know it was mine because of some kind of wizard powers? A LONG FUCKING TIME!


So, now it's your turn, tell me your best get out of trouble lie. Or even just one of the best lies you ever told your parents that they still don't know about.

Top Chef Talk

First lets talk about my gripes with the show. I'm really really sick of these group or partner challenges. How in the fuck are these people supposed to shine if they are just arguing and fighting with other people. No matter what in a group not everyone is going to get their way, and it feels like the person who has the great idea, but doesn't get their way always gets shit on. I really think they should have more individual challenges so the judges can really see who is cooking and who is just a whiney bossy annoying fucking bitch.

Enter my next gripe. Can someone tell me why in the fuck Lisa is still on this show. She is a mean, rude, dirty bitch. She needs to wash her fucking hair, get an attitude check and step up. I think she should have gone home numerous times, and I also don't understand why she hasn't been punched yet.

On that note how is Nikki still there? What has she done so far? Seriously standing around, and looking overly done up and anorexic doesn't count as cooking. I haven't seen her do anything worthy of still being there yet. I can't believe she got to stay after the week with the nasty mushrooms and cheese incident. I can't believe she got to stay this week. I don't like her.

I'm livid they kicked Jennifer off. I actually really liked her a lot. I think she had some good ideas and made some decent food. I think if anything she should have lasted longer then Nikki or Lisa.

I really like Dale. I think he does some great stuff. I would love for him to win. I also think Richard is a good cook, but I just don't like him. I kind of think it might be him and Dale at the end and I hope he gets shut down. I think he is just pouty and cocky and he acts like a sore loser. He is just way to full of himself.

I really wish the show would do some more individual challenges. I much more prefer to see what each chef can do rather then seeing what they do in a group and having one person end up safe just because there was a better chef on their team. I think it is a lousy set up.

As for the remaining women on the show, I don't like any of them, I'm hoping a man wins...Just not Richard.

Spring Cleaning

So I'm spring cleaning. Meaning out with the old books, and time to buy new books. I want to sell all of my books in one lot. I can't find a stupid book store here who buys books. Do you guys know anyone who buys books? I'm asking $60.00 for 34 books. Yes a couple are older but the rest were purchased in the last year, and they are all in mint condition, and look brand new.



Look I even cook healthy food, not always slathered in cheese and butter

4.23.2008

Oh fuck

** Heads up this is long**

Remember back when I was a good blogger. And I was all, "hey look at me I'm so witty and funny, and fabulous!" And now I'm all, "dude how can I blog when I'm trying to read, and my son is tooting his flute thingy in my fucking ear and farting on me, and my other son is all look I'm so cute you must munch on my fat thighs right now."

I remember back when I would say I was going to write a post and then, you know, like, actually write the fucking post.

Like that one post about the shoppin and the cookin and what not. Ya'll remember WAY BACK THEN? That blog stemmed from the time I went to the store and I bought a bunch of vegetables. The checker, who has been there for at least a year looked at me and said,"Wow this is the MOST vegetables I've ever see, EVER." And then he looked at me because obviously I had fucking beets growing out my ears and I was shaping up to look like a pear because no one on planet earth has ever bought that many vegetables before. I was totally shocked and inquired. He said that in his entire time working there he really had never seen someone buy that much fresh food. Suddenly I felt like I was running for president of the Most Awesome Healthiest Shopper Ever Club and I was giving my speech on why you should elect me and not Polly Processed foods behind me. After he finished looking at me like I was crazy and charging me for 9 pounds of grapes instead of a 9 pound watermelon ($19.87 difference, checker of the month my ass) I went on my way.

I thought about it for a long time. I thought about my love for cooking and started to wonder if maybe I only bought so many fresh things because I loved cooking so much. I started thinking I was so super awesome and cooked the best most healthy food, (she says as she microwaves some macaroni for her son, telling herself it's okay because it's organic..right..right, hello (crickets)). I thought I was pretty specific in my poll until I received this comment:

Lainey-Paney said... time out---to me, cooking hamburger helper IS cooking. so, i suppose i need you to clarify: what exactly is cooking? if I put Eggo Waffles in the toaster, and serve 'em up---that's cooking. right? no? what about combining all of the ingredients to make tuna fish sandwiches? Is that cooking? B/c to me, it counts. I'm just sayin'.....
After I ran and changed my underwear because I had just pissed myself laughing I sat down to think about it. What does home cooked mean? What constitutes healthy? Will Big ever stop cheating on Carry, oh wait, I felt like I was stuck in the ending of a Sex and the City episode there.

At first I thought home cooked meant fresh ingredients. But then I thought, well yeah, but I mean that mom throwing some hamburger helper in a pot is better then buying Jack in the Crack right? I mean sure it is still heavily processed and hold very little nutritional value, but morally she is still cooking for her family and she is still spending more time at home, and less gas and time and energy driving through a fast food joint that surely pollutes our earth more then making a frozen pizza?

There is a girl at my work who really wants to lose weight. She also wants to eat better to improve her health. I was ragging her and ragging her about how its so much easier to just fucking eat healthy. It isn't hard and cooking a damn meal, or packing a lunch, or packing a breakfast isn't that hard. I mean shit, my two year old can throw some yogurt in a fucking bag right? She shouted back at me, "YEAH BUT YOU CAN AFFORD TO EAT GOOD." Oh theres my place, and yes she put me right in it.

Shes right. Everyone is sitting here talking about the fucking crisis in America. Sound the sirens WE ARE ALL FAT ASS WHO ARE UNHEALTHY! Every magazine I open talks about how fat we all are and how to fix it. Every tv show, and movie, and book, and billboard is busy telling me how to be greener and healthier. It is being pound into my skull that I need to eat organic, and healthy. All I hear is how it is so damn simple.

Uhh, there is just one problem. You have to be a kazillionair to do it. Seriously. My grocery bill is at minimum $187.00 a week. I got really happy once when it was $150.00 a week. Oh, did I forget to mention THAT IS WITH OUT BUYING MEAT!!!!! I buy all my meat at the start of the month and just freeze it. So, I'm spending $187.00 on fresh organic fruit, and organic veggies, and organic milk ($3.50 a carton), organic green house cleaning products, fresh cut deli meat instead of the weird gray meat Oscar Meyer sells, real cheese, rather then Kraft singles, and so on. Most of my snacks have even become organic. In fact, it is safe to say the only non organic things I purchase are diapers, wipes, ice cream, and my 100 calorie packs. My tea is even organic, and yes the macaroni my kid eats is organic (it's all he likes sorry).

While I do feel 10000% more healthy, and I have lost 39 lbs by packing my lunches and cooking my food, I can't help but thinking, damn that grocery trip could have paid my power bill, and living on ramen would be so much cheaper. But then I realize that thinking about money and buying a bunch of shit is how I got where I am. And, continuing that will get my kids in the same place. Just because I have boys doesn't mean they won't some day end up over weight and out of shape. Not even thinking about vanity issues, I don't want my kids to end up so fat they can't even run around the track and end up having to be on the chess team and band geeks because they are too out of shape to make it to first base.

What bothers me is that all I hear all day is how I need to eat healthy, so you would think they would lower the fucking prices on organic foods, and healthy foods. Take me and the girl at work. Here is an example of our eating habits, and these are based soley on our different economic status:
Breakfast:
Shannon: 1 non fat yogurt with 1 cup fresh berries, 1 dry eggo red berry waffle, home brewed coffee with low sugar creamer (all brought from home) cost: probably at least $6.00

Her: 1 jerky stick, 1 Large energy drink in a can, 1 cheese stick (all bought at gas station on way to work)cost: $3.00

Lunch plus snacks:
Shannon: 1 hard boiled egg with one piece dry wheat toast 1 tbsp mayo and some mustard, 1 fresh organic apple with 2 tbsp soy nut butter, 2 Clementine's, fresh veggies & home made dip, organic tea and filtered water (again all brought from home) cost: about 9.00

Her: On days she can afford lunch it is either Burger King for about $2.00 off the dollar menu, a large frozen burrito from the gas station for about $1.89. or another energy drink, a handful of chips and a sandwich from the gas station coming in at a whopping $4.00, other days she packs a cup o noodles from home for about $.20

Dinner:
Shannon: Fresh veggies, steak or chicken (for husband), with some pasta or rice. (All made at home with food from home) dinner is about $30.00 a night between husband, me and Brandon.

Her: Either 2 boxes of Hamburger Helper, some chicken with noodles, ramen, frozen burrito, or take out. Most nights they get either pizza, Jack in the Box, or McDonalds. Her dinner probably ranges anywhere from $10.00 to $15.00.

After that I have ice cream, or cookies, or fresh made berry smoothies as snacks or deserts. She can't afford such things.

On weekends I cook eggs, bacon, hash browns (grated from actual potatoes, not frozen), toast and serve it was a yummy orange juice. Some days I make a great egg sammich, or a tasty breakfast burrito.

On weekends she runs and grabs something off the dollar breakfast menu from McDonalds and since she is there grabs a couple McFlurrys or milk shakes.

I'm not doing this to brag about my food, I'm doing it to clearly show the difference between having the option to eat healthy and not having the option. Everyone in her home is over weight, cranky, and lethargic. My house we are all the right weight (or on our way there), active and for the most part upbeat. I already know I will be raising athletic kids, and my older son already has a huge interest in getting in the kitchen and cooking. Brandon would rather eat a banana or watermelon over fries, he would rather have some pancakes or cereal instead of bacon and fatty sausage or fast food breakfasts (he does like the occasional hashbrown though). Last night he argued with me that he wanted to eat his carrots and green beans before eating his mashed potatoes and gravy. I felt like I was on top of the world at that moment. Today we got home and he begged for a banana. I gave him one. I asked if he wanted anything else, some toast, a quesidilla, anything, and he said no he wanted another banana.

Now, I want to make it totally clear that I am BROKE. However I have given up most everything else in favor of eating good healthy high quality food. I traded a social life for environmentally safe dish soap, laundry soap and shampoo. I don't buy myself clothes anymore but I do eat the best tasting apples ever, and they are good for me, and guess what, when you look at my apple it says APPLE, it doesn't say processed, bleached, enriched, hydrogenated, or mechanically separated anywhere on it. My son gets only real maple syrup on his pancakes. I will not buy the high fructose corn syrup gelatinus stuff that Mrs Butterworth calls syrup. Does real maple syrup taste different then Mrs. Butterworth YES, does my son know NO! He will never know that the macaroni he is eating is different because it is organic. He will never know that his milk is lacking of pesticides and hormones. He will never know that his bananas spoil a little faster because they are organic. He won't know this because to him it will be normal. My son ingests about 3 things that are not healthy and organic, his fucking cheetos, his cream cheese (I just can't give up Philidelphia), and his chocolate milk mix. I have yet to find a organic chocolate milk mix that compares to the Hersheys kind. Other then that, his pancakes, and string cheese, and puddings, and fruit, and most cereals, food, juices (rationed) and so on are all organic. He will grow up knowing no different.

That isn't what I worry about. Because I grew up that way too. I worry about what happened to me. I worry that he will move out, be a poor starving college student and discover that ramen is a hell of a lot cheaper then organic bananas, and Suave shampoo is much cheaper then his organic kind.

I'm so bothered by all of this. I'm bothered they make it so expensive to eat healthy then have the nerve to bitch and moan at us saying it's our fault we are fat lazy slobs. I'm bothered that moms who make a frozen pizza or throw together some Dinty Moore beef stew are labeled as lazy unhealthy cooks, simply because they can't afford all the ingredients for a fresh home made stew, or the ingredients to make a real pizza. I'm bothered that we are made to feel bad for our decisions at the check stand yet the government can't seem to lower the prices enough to make it affordable for the whole world to be healthy.

I want to make it clear that Brandon doesn't eat near as healthy as I would like. He prefers macaroni, cheetos, and cream cheese right out of the container. I will admit this is my fault. When I was pregnant, and right when he was born, it was more important to me to worry about money then to worry about quality of food. I figured I could fix him later. I also weighed almost 200 pounds. Then I woke up, realized I needed to make a change, and I'm fighting tooth and nail to make my son healthier right along with me. I am only happy knowing Codi will never know junk food. He will never know low quality stuff. Brandon and I will work on this together, but soon I will win this battle, and he and I will be broken of our bad habits completly.

An acquaintance of mine once talked about how very very obese people often say that they are over weight because they have a disease. And while I do understand that maybe now they don't know how to change those things, that had they been given the right tools and the proper upbringing, and been able to afford healthier options they never would have been there.

So, I guess now I have to ask all of you. If money was no option would you cook more meals using fresh ingredients. I don't mean making tuna salad, I mean making a real home made soup, or a salad with a real vinaigrette, or tacos, with actual veggies, and good tortillas not the cardboard preformed kind, with veggies on them, and real cheese, and maybe even chicken instead of ground beef? Would you cook more then, and pack more lunches, and eat more home made meals?

I also pose a challenge to you. Instead of just grabbing the cheapest box of premade stuff, why not actually check out your store. Why not realize that you can buy a pork tenderloin for $5.00, 4 potatoes, for about $2.00, and a bundle of broccoli for about $3.00 and have a home made meal for 2-4 for just around $10.00. Then realize, that $10.00 can't even feed one person at a fast food joint anymore. It is possible to eat healthier (maybe not organic but at least home made) for less then you can get fast food.

So maybe tonight, look through a Betty Crocker, clip some coupons, buy some fresh ingredients and teach your kids, how to be healthy. I'm not even saying spend the money for organic...I'm just saying, try fresh for once.

4.21.2008

I know I know I know

I've been a bad blogger, but I'm reading a book that I'm totally captivated by. I've become hooked on the Julie Andrews Memoir, "Home". It is a beautiful book and the sick part is I've read the whole damn thing thus far in an English accent.

I've been working hard lately on creating small routines. My day goes something like this.

5ish Am wake up and make husbands sandwich for his morning snack (he doesn't eat breakfast at work, he doesn't like cold eggs, so he prefers a sammich. (Just added, make husband and I smoothies)

Change Codi and play with him

Make Brandon go potty and lay his pant socks and undies on floor for him to put on when he is done

Prep anything I can for dinner, set my lunch on the counter and make Brandons breakfast

Make my cup of coffee for the day

Argue with Brandon making him eat his breakfast

Nurse Codi while Brandon eats and put him to sleep (I watch one TV show during this period, ONE which is why my Tivo is a little back logged

Put Brandons shirt and sweat shirt on and lay out his shoes for the day.

Dress Codi

Dress myself

Brush teeth, hair and apply deodorant

Finish watching the show I started and cuddle with Brandon

Bag my lunch and anything else I need for work

Attempt to do one chore, such as throw a load of laundry in the washer or do some dishes or unload dishwasher

Pack my car, help Brandon with his shoes and put Codi in his car seat

845 am head to work

Attempt to work, entertain my child, nurse Codi and some days exercise

work until 330-430 depending on how drained I am, or how obnoxious my child is (its that extra hour off work that I cherish working for my family who gives me that little bit of a break)

Come home get Codi unpacked and nursed

Start dinner

Get Brandon changed and on the potty and into some sweats

Change Codi

Make Brandons dinner and feed him and the husband

Transfer the laundry or unload the dishwasher, pack left overs for the next day in little containers (I always double dinner for my husband who thinks left overs make the best lunch)

Lay out husbands fruits, and snacks for his lunch the next day, along with my fruit and snacks

Get Brandon down from table, make my dinner and eat, end up with one or two kids in lap while trying to eat...wonder what hot meal tastes like

Nurse Codi and put him down to play

Refill coffee pot for next day, set aside my lunch stuff for next day in designated fridge spot

Lay out boys clothes for the next day

Give Brandon a bath or get him out of shower from husband and towel, lotion and jammy him

Finally sit down on couch with husband and kids, browse online, read a little and cuddle till Brandon falls asleep

Kiss Brandon good night, nurse Codi and put him in his bassinet.

Tidy kitchen, sweep kitchen floor, do small random things like clean up couch or something

Read some more and pass out


So, as you can see, I either get to blog or read, and right now, this book is totally putting blogging on the back burner. But I promise you guys a great blog soon, in reference to my polls, and whether picking up the phone calling Dominos is "making" dinner.

4.20.2008

Accept it and move on with it

Dear Shannon,
Just because you lost a lot of weight, doesn't mean you should have tried wearing the thong underwear hiding in the back of your drawer again. That little string in the back still crams as far up your ass as it did when you were skinny. Suck it up, buy stock in granny panties and move on baby! Go ahead and retire your last remaining thong, it was feeling anorexic next to your granny panties anyway!

Love always,
Your ass!

4.19.2008

Following the trend

SO!!!

First I did it, My husband back in the day...

Jen found this funny so she did it... And really I didn't think it could get any more funny then this, but it could because....

Then Cristina Mathers did it...and OH MAN IT REALLY COULD GET WORSE, AND IT DID GET MORE FUNNY

So now I encourage you ALL to post pictures of your husbands/boyfriends/lovers back in the day and then leave me the link in the comments.

Because this shit people, well this is some serious comedy!

Check out my guys

Go to my Flickr here, and see my new set, Boy 1 vs Boy 2. Codi is first in the pictures and Brandon is second.

4.18.2008

Shawna, I believe this is what you were talking about

Once, in passing Shawna mentioned to me that back when she knew my husband in school he used to have really funny hair...is this what you meant Shawna?
(My husband just called me a dirty bastard for posting this)

He died mom

It is a fair comment to say that in our house/work it is not safe to be a mouse or a fish (or a cookie but that is a whole other story). Heres the story.

A little background info. My parents own these 4 homes on some field kinda land. You know, if no one cared for it, it would end up with tall weeds and flowers and shit on it. There is a little stream behind it, and it is full of critters. Birds and squirrels and marmets and what not. They rent 3 of these houses out and one they turned into our office and then built a big shop next to it. This means that each of our offices is in a bedroom and we have a fully functional kitchen, one of the living rooms is our front entry office and the other one is a playroom for Brandon. This also means, WE ARE SURROUNDED BY CRITTERS! (Side note we are also surrounded by black widows that my mother refuses to let us kill, she just relocates them).

Last week the girl in our office Yo (short for Yolonda but we call her Yo) went to the bathroom and thought she saw something. She kinda forgot about it until my mom went into the bathroom and started screaming. "YOU GUYS YOU GUYS THERE IS A MOUSE IN HERE." Yo was like I knew it I swear I thought I was going crazy seeing things. So, of course, being my mom she does the most logical thing ever. "Brandon come in here with me lets catch the mouse"! Yes you read that right. So of course, my child the ├╝ber boy goes running right in. They proceed to pull all the boxes and shit out till they find the mouse. I don't really know what happens but about 10 minutes later my child comes walking into my office with a mouse IN A BAG DEAD! I'm like uhhh what the fuck. Brandon says, "he dead mom, da mouse died, he died." So I ask my mom who informs me they scared the mouse to death.

Uhhh okay fine, but why is the DEAD mouse in a baggie? Well duh! My mom tells me that they are going to take the mouse up to my grandmas where my cat now lives, so that they can feed the mouse to my cat. Ummmm. Uhhhh. Sigh!

About an hour later I see something run bye me and I realize there is a second mouse. Well shit. I go to move some of Brandon's stuff and realize that the mice are living in his little recliner he eats in. Grrr. So out goes the recliner. I clean everything and change everything, sheets and what not. And we leave for the day. My mom sends my little cousin who works for us to go buy some mouse traps. The next morning Brandon and I arrive at work and do you know what we see????

FOUR FUCKING DEAD MICE LINED UP OUT FRONT! Brandons like "mom more mice, they dead, they not moving mom, they dead mice, look mom more mice." My mom informs me she put them outside for the neighborhood cats to eat. SERIOUSLY, SHE SERIOUSLY SAID THAT.

That night Brandon stayed at my parents. When they brought him home he had a ton of things to tell me. Such as, "mom the mouse, it's in the cats belly, he ate em mom, he's in his belly." Or, "The bird ate the worm he ate the worm." So for an entire week I heard all about how the mouse was in the cats belly. They really took that fucking mouse up to my fucking cat and fed it to him. You can see how well this must be sitting with me, the VEGETARIAN!

That brings us to last night. We only had one of our FIVE fish left. Fred, the one with the bug eyes and 5 inch poops. Until last night. He died. Brandon walks by, looks in the tank, sees Fred floating on the bottom and says, "he died mom, like the mouse, he died, he's not moving." Then he says, "mom, he no swim more, he no swim, he died." It was sad. But what was sadder was that later the fish floated up to the tank and he got really excited thinking the fish was swimming again and we had to tell him that no, the fish was still dead, and he watched rob flush him down the toilet.

So now I ask you all mighty mommy bloggers, how did you teach your kids about death? Did you just say the fish died and leave it at that, did you tell them what death meant, did you explain heaven? And on top of that, at what age did you choose to have the talk? Since he is only 2.5 do I just leave it that the fish died and move on, or do I elaborate now? Do I wait till he is closer to 4 to explain death? Do I replace the fish or just take the fish tank out for a while? NEED ADVICE ON THIS ONE...ASSVICE WELCOME!

(my mom would like me to add that feeding the mice to the cats was her way of recycling and being green.)

4.17.2008

Codi on video

Also please ignore my lame mommy schmootzy voice, also don't you love when he goes on his belly and looks like he is skydiving?
Codi tries to crawl from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

4.16.2008

SOMEONE REALLLY WANTS TO CRAWL


Note to self

When you are trapped in a small confined space like a tanning bed, with a fan blowing in your face DON'T FART!

The story of the apple

As promised you guys get the good the bad and the ugly about my relationship. However I need to post this disclaimer, JUST BECAUSE ROB AND I HAVE A FIGHT IT DOESN'T MEAN OUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE, THAT WE ARE EVEN STILL MAD BY THE TIME I POST THIS, OR THAT WE HAVE PROBLEMS. IT MEANS WE ARE A REAL NORMAL HEALTHY COUPLE WHO FIGHTS. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH ME ASKING IF I'M OKAY OR IF WE ARE BREAKING UP, OR OFFER MY SUPPORT AS IF I'M CRUSHED, IT IS JUST A FIGHT.

This weekend Rob and I went to California. And as always we got into a few spats here and there. I think the fights were both our faults. Mine for not paying attention to how I approached him, and him for responding meanly. When we got back to Reno softball started for him. I enjoy cooking for him, and on nights he has softball I like to have dinner ready to go so he can eat in time to make it to the game. I had a shit ton to do on Monday so I asked if he could run to the store and I would do the rest of the stuff. I made him a list:
Gala Apples
tomatoes
lunch meat
Pancakes
Real maple syrup
and a few other things

He returned with everything on this list, however neither the apples or tomatoes were organic. I was mad. Here is his defense, I did not write the word organic next to the apples, as I had in other weeks. Here are my defenses:

  1. Anyone who reads my blog (he does) knows how stuck up I am about only buying organic when possible.
  2. The last three times he went to the store I told him to get organic apples, why would I suddenly change it
  3. Every time I eat my apple I message him telling him how much I love my apples..often mentioning I love them because they are organic
  4. Last week we went to the store together. I asked him to grab the apples. He came back and said they didn't have the organic gala apples. Rather then buy non organic, I went back to the organic section and picked out two other kinds of apples to try because I hate non organic apples.
So. Those are my main points. But the actual reason I got upset is this. Had he sent me to the store and said he wanted ramen I would have known that he only eats one brand and one flavor. How does this man not know I only eat organic apples? Does he not remember my tirade about how much pesticides are stored in the seeds of an apple. Does he not remember me freaking out because my nanny ate one of MY ORGANIC APPLES? But here is what gets me the most. Had he been at the store shopping for steak for him he would have stood there and looked at
every steak, looked at the color, looked at how much fat was in them and so on. He also would have probably gone and bought the USDA choice steak as opposed to buying the Smiths off brand of steak. He would have done that because it was for HIM. But since he won't eat any of the apples then he didn't care. That is where I got bothered (among other things that were going on, ie, not helping unpack groceries, and cussing at me). I was bothered that since it wasn't for him, it really wasn't important. I'm also really bothered that I've been with him this long and he doesn't know something so simple. There are a lot of people in my life who don't know simple things about me, and it bothers the fuck out of me, but I honestly never expected him to not know something so small. The final reason I was bothered is that he reacted as if it was just a stupid fucking apple.


Here on the left is the stupid fucking organic apple, here on the right is the non organic. In the dark there isn't much different, clearly the non organic is smaller. Lets look at it in the light. The first hugest thing I notice the non organic is covered in all that nasty waxy shit. This greatly effects the flavor of my apple. Next the color. The lighter the gala apple the better tasting. Clearly the non organic apple wasn't grown in as good of light or environment. The non organic was hard, and tasted like celery. It was not juicy and tasted of wax.
I know some of you are thinking, BUT IT IS JUST AN APPLE. I've been trying to lose weight since having Codi. If you are following along you would know I'm just 1 pound shy of losing 40 pounds and just 4 pounds shy of being able to buy new clothes. I have done this by being on a very strict diet. VERY STRICT. I mostly eat the same thing every day. One of the biggest parts of my day is my sliced apple with soy nut butter. It is my sweet treat of the day, and also gives me one serving of fruit and some protein. It is also the ONLY food I look forward to eating every day because I know just how good the apples I buy are. So, even though it's just an apple it makes a large impact on my day.

Each morning I pack Robs lunch. I make him a special sandwich for breakfast and I put as much love as possible in his sandwich because I know, that when he eats it, it will offer him 5 minutes of happiness and relief from his day at work. I buy him Clementine's for his lunch instead of plain oranges because I know they are sweeter and taste better. I also know they are seedless and that makes it easier for him to eat. Last week they were out of Clementine's so I read the label of every organic orange to find something comparable. I picked Navel oranges. They were sweet, had the fewest if any seeds and still sort of small. I put a lot of love and thought into those fucking oranges for him. And I do this with every damn thing I buy him. So, shouldn't I be allowed to expect the same from him. Shouldn't he want to put that much love and thought into the things he buys me?

It doesn't help that we were already arguing about other stuff, and we've both been super stressed about money, and I have zero time to go riding, or work out, but he gets time to play softball twice a week. When I suggested that I possibly make two nights to go to the gym, he replied, thats expensive. Then I said well what if I ride two nights a week and make dinner later. He said, "well what if I get hungry." I was like fuck you can't wait another hour to eat. His responses kind of seemed selfish to me.

I dunno, it's widely known that I've been in a funk and a fog and I can't get out of it, I'm guess then economy and everything else is starting to now take a toll on him, and two grumpy people, well, you've got to expect some fights.

But please rest assured, I still love him, I don't want to leave him, I don't want to move out, I don't consider this a HUGE fight. I'm just cranky over my apples, and to quote that one song, "I just want to be mad for a while". Also, please don't bash him on here. It is perfectly fine to tell me I'm being an asshole or whatever or to take my side or his. Please keep in mind that even though this is MY blog you don't always have to take MY side! Because in the end I am aware, that like a human I do over react, I do get mad over nothing, and that it is just an apple.

4.15.2008

Humor is:

* Trying on a bathing suit, with no tan AND THEN LOOKING IN THE MIRROR (This also falls under the horror category)

* Getting all the way to California nd then realizing your husband packed everything in the pile but your purse, which was on the very top of the pile.

* Figuring out you forgot your Moby and stroller so you had no way to walk to the park

* Having to drive to 3 parks before finding one that wasn't: buried under water, scalding hot metal slides or full of splinters.

* Going to the freezer in the garage for a normal sensible portion of girl scout cookies and then going back in the garage because you realized you just CAN NOT leave one cookie in the package, making your sensible portion, less then sensible.

* Going back to the freezer hours later and opening a new bag of cookies, eating 4 and THEN thinking, oh shit, this might be why the bathing suit thing earlier was horrific.

*Going all the way to California to see family you haven't seen in 4 months only to have your camera die and realizing the only picture you have of the entire trip is before you even left Reno

* The fact that I wore a dress on Monday because it was so nice out and that this morning it was fucking snowing.

* That I'm still thinking of cookies, while looking at bathing suits on line. It seems I never learn.

* The fact that I'm actually pretty angry at my husband for not buying me organic apples.

* Having to eat non organic apples for lunch and realizing they are so shitty they actually taste like celery, and spending the whole meal angry at your shitty shitty apples

* The fact that it is possible that one person in this world could not know I ONLY EAT ORGANIC FRUITS AND VEGGIES

* That I'm now watching Alton Brown cook pie, and I'm thinking to myself, how much worse can chocolate cream pie from Marie Calanders be any worse then those fifteen five cookies I ate.

* The fact that I just went to pee, and I actually stopped to make sure no one was around because I am still embarrassed for my husband to hear me potty

* The fact that mid pee he came walking by and I sat there trying to hold in the pee and make it stop so he wouldn't hear

4.14.2008

How to make a house payment over the phone

Dial phone
Ring ring
Here is your payment history, you can not push buttons you must listen to the whole thing
Now that you have wasted 45 seconds listening you may choose options
If you want to hear your payment history push 1
If you want to make a payment push 2
(Pushes 2)
To make a payment push 1
(pushes 1)
Enter social security number
(Enters number)
More wasteful talking
To make a payment push 1
(thinks this sounds an awful lot like the last time she pushes 1, but alas pushes 1 again)
You are now being transfered to speed pay
(Thinks speed pay sounds fast and efficient, yay for Shannon)
Ringing

Still Ringing

Dead air
(Wonders if I've been hung up on)

More talking
To continue in English push 1
(Smashes 1 button)
Talking
Talking
(Starts mentioning something about how if she ever meets this pre-recorded voice in person she would really teach it a lesson)
To make a payment push 1
(Pushes 1 even though shes not even sure she is here to make a payment anymore)
Enter your loan number
(Enters loan number)
You entered ..... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes that motherfucking 1 button)
Please hold
(Bangs head on desk)
Enter your zip code
(enters code)
You entered ... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes 1)
Talking
Would you like to use the routing number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Wonders if pushing 2 would be rebellious)
Would you like to use the same account number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Which button do I push to wake me up when this is over
To pay today push 1
(Finger is now to numb from pushing buttons, must push one with tongue)
The amount due is ....to pay this amount push 1
(Wonders if you can be put in a mental institution for killing a pre-recorded voice)
Are you sure you want to pay, if so push 1
(I'VE GONE THROUGH ALL THIS AND YOUR ASKING IF I'M SURE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS KARATE CHOPS THE 1 BUTTONS)
You have chosen to pay this amount to pay it push one, if not push 2
(How in the fuck is this different from the last fucking question)
Do you really want to process this payment
(Goes Hacksaw Jim Duggen on the phone hoping to push the 1 button at some point)
Here are your fees push 1 if you accept them
(Is now delirious and laughing at the fact that she has just pushed 1 938kajillion times, might possibly be crazy, hopes coworkers don't see her losing her mind)
To accept this payment speak your name
(My name is totally fucking batshit crazy)
You said this, to accept it push 1
(Finally realizes this is a joke right, no one can really push 1 this many times)
Your confirmation number is bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(What the fuck am to fucking delirious to hear that)
If you want to repeat this number push 1
(PLEASE KILL ME NOW)
Thank you have a nice day

That was for the first of 4 payments I had to make on the phone that day. You can imagine how the rest of my Friday went

4.12.2008

Can't believe Shannon's husband didn't come up with this first

By Lisa

So today is a beautiful day. It's 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and not even a slight breeze. I decide let's go for a picnic. We head out to one of our favorite parks on the river. It has nice big grass areas, some picnic tables, a park, and of course the river. It's a very nice and relaxing place. Jaida and I are just about finished with our lunch when a guy on a skateboard comes over and decides to take our garbage can (you know those big 3 foot tall giant green garbage cans!) and moves it to the center of the grass. Jaida and I look at each other wondering what we are supposed to do with our garbage now. He positions it just so, hops on his skateboard and skates towards another one. This time he has to move this garbage can further so he picks it up puts it on his skate board and hops on the back. He has a longboard so there is just enough room for the two of them. He gets to the other end of the grass and positions the second garbage can. I observe his friend carry 2 30 packs of beer to a near by tree. Man these guys are wanting to have some fun. They grab a softball and start playing. What you might ask? Well have you ever heard of the drinking game quarters? Two people sit across the room from each other each with a glass of beer in front of them. Each person tosses quarters until one lands it in the other persons glass. If the quarter makes it in the cup u drink a beer, if it just hits the rim you take a sip. Well this is just a larger version! They threw the softball back and forth aiming toward the trash cans, and when it made it in the other person drank! Slowly more and more people started to show up each carrying another case of beer. Jaida and I finished our food and headed to the park, at that point there were maybe 5 people. This was there beer supply at that time.


I guess they usually do 5 on 5, so by the time all 10 people show up there will be quite a lot of beer. So take note Shannon, next time you are at the park with Rob make sure you keep an eye on the trash cans. Now that I am thinking about it he could probably do this in your back yard or at the beach. I'm sure this will be his new favorite game!

Flash from the past

By Lisa

So Shannon is out of town having SOO much fun in A-Town and I get a text this morning asking me to guest post on her blog since she has no internet. So immediately my mind goes hmm what embarrassing story can I tell about her this time! Oh I know I will whip out some old photo albums. Well as fun as this sounds, this turns into a double ended sword. All of the good pictures with Shannon in a tie dyed shirt and spandex have me wearing the same damn thing standing right next to her! Gosh were we dorks! Oh well here you go......

Shannon is the princess, of course!
Going to the state fair

Shannon's bday that consisted of a haunted house, toilet papering someones house, and getting chased by a rifle for door bell ditching

Shannon, me and my brother Halloween
Do people still do this?
We are sooo hard! Check how cool we are too!

Do you see Shannon wearing socks with her birkenstocks?

High school, I know we are hot!

College party, I already told you, ya we know!

4.10.2008

Two delicious dinners



Garden style white lasagna (with or with out chicken)
Recipe can be seen here



Slow cooked Spanish chicken leftovers turn into a delicious taco salad.
See it here

4.09.2008

Polls

Hey I put up some polls on the right over there ------>
Please participate them, as they will be part of an upcoming blog!

Also, please keep in mind the responses are totally anonymous so you can answer 100% honestly and no one will know, if you are secretly in love with hamburger helper, or take out food.

THANKS!

Looking for a few good products

Hi. I'm reaching out to the blogosphere for some product advice. I am on a new mission to try and go green and organic. I have so far found a dish soap, dish washer soap, laundry soap & fabric softener, body wash, lotion, window cleaner and bathroom counter cleaner I like. I am currently looking for a face wash and shampoo. I tried a shampoo and I hate it, and I am hooked on my Philosophy so if you can find an organic face wash that is as good as that, well then you are a champ.

I am interested in all kinds of products or foods you find useful. The majority of the foods I buy are organic so I'm pretty set there. So, all my fellow granola cruncher hippy friends out there, throw me your best suggestions. What things have you tried? Paper towels, toilet paper, clothing, cleaning products, beauty products? Let me have it? What are your favorites, and least favorites, and where can I get them?

Please keep in mind there is a vast difference between all natural and organic.

Organic Vs Natural

Organic foods are produced according to a certain production standards, it means they were grown without the use of conventional pesticides, artificial fertilizers, human waste, or sewage sludge, and that they were processed without ionizing radiation or food additives.[1] For animals, it means they were reared without the routine use of antibiotics and without the use of growth hormones. In most countries, organic produce must not be genetically modified

Natural foods are foods that do not contain artificial ingredients and are minimally processed. Natural foods do not include ingredients such as refined sugars, refined flours, milled grains, hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners, artificial food colors, or artificial flavorings.

Sucanat, stevia, raw honey, agave syrup and maple syrup are sweeteners often used in place of white sugar in a natural foods diet. Sea salt is also preferred over table salt.

Proponents of natural foods diets argue that refined ingredients promote obesity, diabetes, cancer, and heart disease.



The biggest difference is that certified organic things are regulated and checked to be sure they are organic. I don't mind stuff that is all natural, but I am specifically looking for stuff that is certified organic!

4.08.2008

why yes I am crazy thank you very much

About two years ago Rob and I were chatting about something and it led to a conversation about some foods he used to love. He was telling me about how much he loved a ham and cheddar melt and a Scrambled egg pocket, both from Jack in the box. The next day I emailed Jack in the box begging them to bring those things back. I never heard back.

Saturday I was watching TV and I saw a commercial for Jack In The Box. I believe the croissant guy was yelling at Jack. I'm not sure all I know is that there was a guy with muffiny things on his head and giant over easy egg boobs dangling off him. The point of it was that he was mad that Jack was replacing him. Then I glanced up and saw that he was being replaced with a SCRAMBLED EGG POCKET. I was soooo fucking excited. I made a mental note to tell Rob.

So I tell him and he was like, "yeah right prove it." Only I couldn't find the commercial again. So I go online to Jack in the Box and guess what? No egg pocket. I pulled every Google trick I know and still nothing.

I have issues with just giving up, you know this if your ever around me when I try and remember a name or a song or a place. I will go completely insane and not stop and try Googling on my phone and inevitably I would call Katie or Ginger and they would answer to hear me shout, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO WAS THAT GUY WITH THE THING IN THE PLACE WITH THE STUFF??????????????????" And if they can't figure it out, oh man. I rip out year books, and photo albums and Myspace and it's awful.

So now picture me the next morning sitting in front of my computer furious I can find no proof that this egg pocket exists. I've even checked Youtube for a video of the commercial. I am hitting refresh feverishly on the Jack in the Box page hoping that suddenly the stupid NEW Angus Burger will disappear and the NEW NEW egg pocket will appear. Now I'm just mad. All I want to do is find one of these things for Rob because I know how happy it will make him. And now, since I can't find it I am consumed with it and I just want to see his face when he bites into it.

Fuck it! I'm calling. I dial the closest Jack in the Box and the lady who answers acts like I'm a complete moron and basically shuts me down. The second guy I called was really nice, and said they would be willing to take the pita from their Chicken Fajita pocket and make me an egg pocket. I thought about it, but what if it wasn't the same. The next place I called told me that sometimes only certain states get the limited time food.

THATS IT!!!! I'll call California. California has everything right? I first call Atwater because we will be there this weekend. NO! Then I call Auburn because we will be driving through there NO! I call Sacramento NO!

At this point I'm feeling pretty dejected so I sit back angrily thinking I've imagined the fucking commercial. I am now screaming at my cousin via Yahoo Messanger when I get a brilliant idea.

I AM CALLING CORPORATE!!!!! Yes you read right. I want to find this stupid breakfast pita for my husband soooo bad I am going to call Jack in the Box headquarters. I call. I get put on hold and then it hangs up on me. I'm not deterred though I call back. And a lady answers.

(I should mention at this point I had been on hold for so long I now had to pee so I ran in to pee thinking no one would answer and right as I started to tinkle she answers so I'm now sitting on the toilet holding in my pee trying not to let it echo, asking this lady about breakfast foods)


Lady: Thank you for calling Jack in the Box, what can I do for you?
Shannon: Hi, Ummm I have kind of a stupid question
Lady: Okay
Shannon: I think I saw a commercial for a scrambled egg pocket, the one where the guy with the over easy egg boobies was yelling at Jack, umm but I have called a bunch of Jack in the boxes and no one seems to have it
Lady: Well umm sometimes it is only in certain places
Shannon: So I'm right, right, you really do have it
Lady: Hang on, do you mean the southwestern scrambled egg pocket
Shannon: YES YES THATS IT
Lady: Yeah it looks like it is only certain places
Shannon: Well um, can you maybe tell me where, because my husband REALLLLLY wants one and I can't find it in my town so can you please just tell me where to go to get one?
Lady: Uhhh hang on...ma'am it looks like it is only in San Francisco.
Shannon: So it is in California
Lady: Yes but only in San Francisco. It is going through what is called a testing phase. We release it in a big city and see what happens.
Shannon: So at what point will we know if it does good on testing
Lady: ???????????? (Now making post it note signs to show her friends that reads THIS LADY IS FUCKING NUTSO)
Shannon: So then if it passes how long until it is here in Reno
Lady: ?????????????
Shannon: I mean it will go nation wide right? How will I know?
Lady: Um it is in testing phase we really don't know until then, but if it passes it has a chance to be on our menu permanently
Shannon: Okay fine bye

(Can I just point out what a long conversation this was considering I was still holding in my tinkle and still sitting on the toilet)

So now I'm sitting here totally aggravated because I can in no way afford a trip to San Francisco. And what if it doesn't do good and my husband never gets to eat it again? I text his brother immediately who lives in SF and tell him he must go buy egg pockets right now. BUY LIKE 10 A DAY! Something anything, just make this thing pass testing.

I guess the point of this blog is to reach out to any readers I may have in San Francisco and beg you to please go buy this stupid egg pocket so it can pass the test and make it here to Reno.

I think my husband feels about this thing the same way a lot of people feel about that McRib thingy. How they get super excited when it comes back for a limited time. It is how I felt when Burger King got rid of the mushroom swiss burger and I could no longer get a mushroom swiss veggie burger and had to settle for a regular veggie burger. (side note for my veggie lovers, Burger King is genius and has Morning star veggie burgers on their menu).

How about you, do you have anything you miss? Any favorite foods that have gone away that you wish would come back?

Curious

Yesterday I wrote a quick email to Ginger.

"Hey have you checked out this website http://www.epicurious.com/?

And then I sat there for a moment, and I changed the email to;

"Hey have you checked out this website http://www.epicurious.com/? It's got neat recipes.

Because suddenly I realized one might glance at the link to that page and wonder, why is my good female friend sending me a website about being epicurious, and just what is epicurious. And then I promise I didn't google the word epicurious just to see if maybe it was something funny and naughty and find out it wasn't, and then feel like more of a loser for being embarrassed to type a word that meant nothing.

4.06.2008

A little something I like to call photographical evidence

My husband likes to say I never change the toilet paper roll. He likes to tell people I leave it on there empty. So today when I walked in and saw this



I thought I would take photo graphical proof that I DO TO CHANGE IT

So I was left with this.

(And before he says that it wasn't him who left that 2 inches of toilet paper scraps, it was, because when I walked in the fucking bathroom fan was on, and if you know me you know I hate the sound of the bathroom fan so I would have never turned it on, clearly proving that HE was in fact THE LAST ONE in the bathroom)

AND LOOK, PROOF I DO TOO CHANGE THE ROLL, I DO I DO I DO I DO!

Notice the toilet paper is also put on the roll in the proper direction.

And finally. There is someone in my kitchen cooking. To say I am having a mental break down would be an understatement. To say I feel hives coming on and I can't stop twitching and walking in there and hovering would be closer to the truth. I don't even like my friends in my kitchen touching my knives and now there is a guy in my kitchen using my stuff and I'm losing my shit. Yes my husbands cousin is here visiting and she brought her boyfriend, who offered to cook his signature tacos for us. I didn't give this enough though clearly or I would have realized that would mean he was in my kitchen touching my stuff and oh my fuck what if he isn't doing it right. I equate someone else touching my knives to umm, probably what you would feel like if someone came in the bathroom and offered to wipe your ass for you. You know, it would just be, not right, and maybe a little too close for comfort.

I need a shot, and a valium.

I hope she doesn't mind

I've written about this before, but it is my blog and I want to again. About 1.5 years ago, I sat down in front of my computer and logged on to an old blog called Mom's Daily Dose. It is gone now but it was awesome. One day there was an entry about a woman who was about to deliver a little baby boy ANY MINUTE. I was excited and strolled over to check it out and was met with a picture of ROCKSTAR BABY NATE. I was excited for this woman and then I walked away. Then on January 1st I sat down and something made me click back on her. I was directed here. There used to be so much more on the website and I read all of it. Then I started from day one of her new blog and read every single entry. Then I went and bought Kleenex because I had just used every box in my house. And after that I watched this, and it became apparent that there wasn't a tissue factory big enough to help me. Anyway for reasons I've mentioned a bajillion times reading Karlas story in some way, has saved me from myself. I will forever be grateful and in reality she will never know how much her and Ava (and Mark, and Samson, and Naterbug too) have helped me.

Back to the point. As you can see here every year Mark and Karla and now Naterbug release balloons for Ava. So. I really can't remember (forgive me) if Karla invited all of us to release a balloon for Ava on her birthday or if I just decided I was doing it but last April 14th I decided to buy a birthday balloon and release it. There was just one problem. I had a little baby with me, who thought that the balloon was BANDONS BAWOON!! So it spent the night in his room and the next morning on the 14th I cleverly snuck in his room got the balloon and snuck outside and released the balloon. I looked up just in time to see Brandon lose his shit entirely because I just let his balloon go. Well shit. So I went and got him, brought him back outside and explained that, that particular balloon was for another little girl and we had to let that one go.

(In fact I just went back to that post and looked at it and here is my comment on it,
Misguided Mommy said...
Okay it is 6:16AM I have just released a mylar care bears happy birthday ballooon. My son is currently having a melt down pointing at the sky saying uh oh baooon uh oh baooon..Now I have to go to the store and buy him a new balloon because he is so devistated. It's okay though it was for a good purpose. Ava is going to be overwhelmed with joy with all of her balloons.


April 14, 2007)


This presented a new problem, from that moment on, Brandon was obsessed with letting balloons go. To this day if Brandon gets a hold of a balloon he immediately shouts I WANNA LET GO. Thus began his love affair with helium. At my work we have a helium tank and countless times we have filled balloons and then he has run right outside and let them go. COUNTLESS TIMES we have gone to the store and spent $5.00 on a Mylar character shaped balloon just so he can let it go.

Here is the thing. Until right now, NO ONE has known why I secretly let Brandon do this. At this point most of my family is cool with letting him release the cheap little balloons but no one knows why I let him send Cookie Monster, and Singing Elmo, and Purple dinosaur balloons. But now you know. In some twisted way I feel at peace watching him let his balloons go. I feel like he is sending a present to this little tiny girl he will never know. And in my mind, letting him blow $5.00 to send a balloon up to sweet little Ava is priceless compared to what Ava and her family have done for me. So every time my husband gives me a raised eyebrow look over buying a balloon, or my friends think I'm nuts for letting him get some over priced balloon, well, now you know.

So now, the world knows my little secret. Now everyone understands why it is I never argue when Brandon asks for a balloon at the grocery store. Now people understand why I sometimes stand out there and watch the balloon silently seeing how far away it will go. How I'm totally memorized by the fact that they have yet to ever disappear fully out of my line of site. And now people will know why it is I think my son has this secret little angel friend watching out for him, that I also swear he used to see when he was smaller. And now people understand why even though I have a boy, I sometimes let him buy that over girly flowery balloon, because in my mind I think Ava would have liked it.

Anyway this year on the 14th I will again release a happy birthday balloon, but this year Brandon will do it with me, and I won't have to sneak it out of his room, it will be something we do together. And, if Karla doesn't mind, I want to invite all of you to release one too. Because in my mind, I'm convinced those balloons float straight up to heaven and somewhere one little girl has a whole room full of balloons from people around the world who love her, and really, what little girl can't use some sort of token to show just how loved she is by the entire world.

P.S. Ava if you are reading this, I'm really really sorry about the time Brandon sent you a giant potato balloon. I tried to talk him into a Dora balloon or possibly even a congratulations on your new job balloon, but he was hell bent on sending you a GIANT potato shaped balloon with arms and legs and everything. So, yeah, about that, I'm very sorry for the potato balloon!

Also sorry if this bag is rambly but, I'm trying to write this with Codi bouncing on me and Brandon shoving Cheetos in my mouth. And I I just really really wanted to make sure I posted this with enough advanced notice for every single one of you to go buy a balloon.

And again, Karla, like I've said a million times, I'm just so thankful for clicking your link that day. I've realized that if I ever bumped into you on the street I would probably have a reaction similar to 12 year old Shannon running into any one of the New Kids on the Block, or maybe even similar to 26 year old Shannon running into Justin Timberlake only, I would try and not lick you...but, you know, I can't make any promises about the no licking thing.

4.03.2008

Taking it to the jury

I don't much feel like discussing this so you all are going to get the extreme cliffs notes version of what I'm about to ask and say!

I have a brother and a sister. Whoah. Shocker huh. Actually I have a half brother and sister. My dad remarried a witch when I was younger and produced 2 kids. Nick and Makala. The witch basically hated me. This meant that any time I called she suddenly had a desire to vacuum right where my dad was standing, which was odd because her floors were never clean. I digress. My theory is that she married my dad, had her kids and wanted that to be her family and for him to move on from me and be only part of her new family, that or the fact that clearly my dad loved me more then he would ever love her and thus she hated me with a vicious passion and made no effort to hide it! Next.

My dad killed himself when I was twelve. I've moved on from this. I went through a million phases, and finally I've settled on saying, as a parent, I COULD NEVER NEVER DO THAT TO MY CHILD, and because he did that to me, well, I pretty much don't consider him to be any more then a sperm donor. He didn't shape who I was, he didn't make me who I am, he didn't teach me lessons, he did nothing but walk away. Next.

When he died he left behind a 3 year old daughter, and an almost one year old son. Oh and me. My brother, Nick really wouldn't remember me, and looking at Brandon and realizing he is only about 5 months younger then my sister, I can't imagine him remembering anyone today 15 years from now. My sister loved me though. Since her name was Makala and she was sometimes called Kayla she took to calling all people Mi this Mi that so I became MiShannon. This turned into calling me MyShannon later in life. We had a blast, I loved having a sister, we would go to the park and play and one of my favorite memories is her putting my step moms thong on and pulling the legs up over her shoulders and telling me it was her super hero suit. Next.

The point to all of this is, I have not seen them since the Christmas after my dad died. The witch decided that she did not want any of my dads family to be part of her family. She moved to California and cut us all off. This is where I develop a problem. My grandma spent the remainder of her life broken over losing her son and also coping with the fact that she would never get to see her grand kids again. She had their address and sent cards and money and presents and they all went unanswered.

Once, I got the witches phone number and I called her. I told her I wanted to meet them. She informed me they were not my family, we were nothing to them, they didn't need me and that she told them he got sick and died and never wanted them to know the truth. Next.

My sister is about to be 18 (or already is but I don't think so). This means, that basically at this point I can contact her no matter what the super witch says. And for a long time I thought I wanted to. But then I thought, what is the point? So. Here are my cases for and against contacting my sister and brother. I now have all of their info, know where they live, their phone number and so on.

PRO contacting family:

  • I strongly feel like someone should tell them who their dad really was, that he loved AC/DC and named his dog Angus, after the lead singer, that he loved working outside and used to put baby oil in his hair to lighten it in the summer, he loved fishing out at Pyramid lake, he loved peanut butter chocolate shakes made with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and peanut butter NOT peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and he loved Kraft singles. They should know their dad was the kind of guy who when he was little thought school was so important he would drive his brothers and sisters to school when his mom was sick, and he was only 12. Or how he went around to the neighbor ladies and asked to do odd jobs to earn money to buy groceries for the family, and some jam for his mom to have on her bread.
  • I really feel like they deserve to know they have family out there. Who doesn't want to have more family. Think of all the presents and cards and money they missed out on when they were younger.
  • I feel like they deserve to know who they are and why they are that way. I bet they love a certain song, or a certain food and they have no idea why.
AGAINST contacting family
  • I've moved on from them. I don't miss them, I don't consider them my family, I don't know them. 18 years old and 26 years old is awfully old to force a friendship.
  • How pissed off would I be to be skating through life thinking everything was good and then BAM I find out my dad killed himself, my mom lied and I have a whole entire other life out there.
  • How angry would I be if 14 years from now someone went and shattered my sons life. I WOULD FUCKING KILL THEM. So on one hand I can really understand the mother bird instinct the witch felt when she chose to lie to them.
  • Bearing the burden of having a dad kill himself is a lot to take. I went through so many emotions, and I also realized that I would always have that mental impairment in my family. While it is always there, I don't know if it would have ever been as strong or as prevalent if I didn't know my dad killed himself, I also don't know if I would have thought about suicide as much as I did (side note, now that I have kids I will never ever ever think of that ever again, because my sons are more important then any selfish bullshit I'm dealing with in my head...end rant).
  • What is the point. We don't know each other, we don't live close, it wouldn't be like I imagined for years where I was 17 and I went and got my little sister and took her to the mall shopping. I have kids now, shes out of high school her big sister is a grown up mom who is a boring fuddy duddy.
  • I've basically removed myself from that side of the family. When my grandma died I decided to detach from that. While I stay in touch with his sister my aunt, I more consider her a great friend then a relation to that family, probably because she is a slight out cast also. Honestly, if it wouldn't be totally futile at this point, I would have my dad (stepdad whatever) adopt me so I could just get rid of the man who left me for good.
  • I wouldn't be able to not tell them about their dad. He died by his own hand, not because he was sick. He loved drugs, he couldn't be faithful, he went AWOL from the army, he didn't pay child support, he couldn't always hold a job, and he was a total mental basket case (see I have a family history, honestly that whole entire side of the family is mental, I didn't have good odds of coming out not mental.)
So. My mom feels like I should contact them. She feels like it's time for me to share the burden and weight I've felt for years. It's time for my sister and brother to know who their dad was. Because when he wasn't doing drugs and killing himself he was a pretty neat guy. He had great taste in music and was kind of fun. Like I said, I've reached a point in my life where I would be totally fine never knowing these people. However, some tell me that knowing them is the right thing to do because they are my family. I just can't justify in my mind destroying some kids lives, making these kids angry at their moms, and shattering the whole world they have always known.

Weigh in on this. Have you ever had a similar situation? Do you think I should contact them? Should I forget they exist? What are all of your opinions on this whole thing?

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