4.28.2008

Exhausting

I can't count how many times lately that I've said or written or thought, "I'm exhausted". People keep looking for a reason. Even I looked too. It isn't lack of sleep, because I've never slept so my body is used to that. It isn't how I'm eating. It isn't the amount of exercise I'm getting. I couldn't pin point it until this morning. For a while I thought I was stuck in a 5 month black hole. But now I'm beginning to realize it's been a series of holes. In and out in and out in and out.

I realized there have been a few days where I would say, "I feel like I am coming out of it," only what was really happing is I had come out of it, for about two days and then I would fall back in. I now understand this constant up and down is what is exhausting me.

My mind is in a mental cage match, I feel like I'm being mentally body slammed every ten minutes. I go in and out so fast I know longer know the difference between the two. Just when I feel my self coming out BAMN. I feel like I've been tossed into a well. When I look down at my fingers I expect to see them bloodied because I feel like I'm constantly trying to climb out, and just when I reach the edge I fall back in, and right now I feel like I'm drowning.

It is that right there that is exhausting my mind and body. Talking abut it is exhausting. Knowing people think nothing is wrong is exhausting. Trying to hold it together and not sit crying for hours is exhausting. Attempting to complete every day mundane tasks is exhausting. Trying to draw the line between having control of this, and become a bad mom, wife, friend is exhausting. Trying to keep it to myself so that I don't bring anyone else down is the most exhausting part of all.

Fighting with myself to write this was hard. I don't want to write this and then hear the questions, and see the looks, or hear the voices in other peoples heads when they feel like there is nothing really wrong. But I can't not write it because wrestling with this all alone is impossible. These thoughts are engulfing me and swallowing me like a tidal wave.

I hate being the blog that depresses people, but at times I feel it isn't fair for me to carry this alone. Then I think when I'm not being funny I'm letting down those like me who read blogs searching for comic relief in their lives.

I'm loaded with things I should be doing and then when I don't do them I feel like I'm failing. I've been trying to choose things simply for me and I'm left feeling selfish, and as if I have let the world down because I can't do it all, or remember it all.

My kids are my saving grace. Their innocence and carefree attitude gives me hope. I would love to some day feel a glimmer of the happiness they feel. That is why I feel as if I'm letting down the universe when I lose my temper with Brandon. Because in essence my children are my universe. My husband is a simple man, so it takes a lot to let him down, but these kids, they don't know any thing besides 100%. Kids don't understand, "hang on mommy just needs to relax." Kids don't understand that saying mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom every fucking second of the day is actually enough to drive a person insane. It is because of this I feel like I can't even get mad at him.

This weekend there was a point (when he flushed his jammies down the toilet to be exact) where I just had to walk in my room and scream. The sad part though is I wasn't screaming because I was mad. Because in reality I thought it was pretty funny and I wanted to take a picture. I was screaming because knowing that I had to clean it, and stop him, and handle one more fucking situation suddenly became so overwhelming I felt it was either I scream in my room or I flush him down the toilet too.

I've been trying so hard to be better to Brandon. Trying to talk to him rather then yell. Trying to rationalize with him. Trying to understand, he's only two, he's going to get in trouble a lot. He doesn't understand anger. He doesn't understand long explanations. He doesn't understand people need to work, or cook, or do things. All he knows is that he wants something and he wants it now. He isn't old enough to know anything different, and I really try and understand that.

The mental and physical exhaustion is killing me. It's making it so hard to function, and yet the insomnia keeps me up at night making sleep impossible. My mind never sleeps, and I never sleep.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to sit in a closet and cry and cry and cry. Huge convulsing ugly tears. But I can't. I have to be a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a daughter, and doing that sort of thing just makes it harder on those around me. So I put on a happy face in order to protect them.

Only, now I'm wondering, when am I supposed to protect me?

11 comments:

angie said...

um I think that you should go cry those ugly tears. Sometimes crying just makes you feel better...it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of you and you are allowed to do that! You are a good mom, wife, and friend, but if you don't take a little time for yourself you are going to go insane trying to be all of those things! So I say just cry and let it all out!!!!

Modest Mousketeer said...

I agree. Continue what you started by being HONEST and doing what you need to do. If that means cry, do it, if that means make some noise, do that too. If you don't take care of yourself and honor the fact that you have too much on your plate, then you'll become no good to any of those people you're worried about letting down in the first place. It sounds like you need a brake girl, I sure wish you could just get out for some good times with lady friends and shed a worry or two for a night! It's obvious nowadays that you're not alone, there are millions of woman just like you struggling to "do it all" and to do it all PERFECTLY. It's a myth, nobody can do such a thing and not become insane. Just take it one day at a time, you have two little tiny humans hanging on you, but they'll grow up soon and things will change. Take care of you~

The Roaming Southerner said...

I agree with Angie and Modest...cry...I also think you are doing a great thing by writing it out...letting it out of your system.

I used to do this (still do) with the work at home and the work at work...I often would worry and fret and agonize over one or the other that I wouldn't know where to start and I would be exhausted just thinking of the things I needed to do. So I started something: I made a list of 5 things that I needed to get done at work today and 5 things that I needed to get done at home...and I crossed of 4 on each list.

I gave myself 1 thing to do...sometimes I wouldn't do it...but 1 thing seemed easier and less stressful than the million I had stored in my head.

I definitely feel that you should take care of yourself.

Patty said...

I can totally relate to what you are saying about the "up and down", "mental cage match" and the "tidal wave" analogy. Our circumstances are very different but just know you are not alone in this. You aren't the only one that feels this way. Love you!

jodifur said...

oh hon, you are not depressing, you are honest.

Blogversary said...

Sometimes it okay to cry and sit with it and not be the happiest person..IMO. Take care and don't forget you look great.

Christy said...

You need a vacation, so you can cry. Are you still going to go visit Jen?

Jeninacide said...

We have a lot of talking to do this weekend. I have so much to say to you about this- but it would take forever and ever to type it out.

Ok, so this weekend- I will get drunk and YOU can cry. How's THAT?

XOXO!

Rachel said...

Hey I cry all of the time and it has taken me years not to put on that smile for the rest of the world. When we hold onto too long-things get ugly. You are not alone and I promise you that letting out that rage or sadness or fear will allow you to protect yourself and not the rest of the world. But of course, you are a mom and wife and that will not change because you are the head of the team!!

Not So Perfect said...

I read this post awhile ago and didn't comment because I was feeling the same way and thought I would bum you out even more if I said anything. Just know you are not alone. Lately I have been trying to focus on the moment at hand more and it seems to be helping. My thoughts are my own worst enemy, when I get out of my head and pay attention to what is at hand things aren't near as grim and overwhelming. I have been making way less mistakes lately too, like I have only put the keys in the fridge once this past week.

All things shall pass.

Amnesia said...

I loved how raw and real this post was. And - you are not alone. God, we have all been - some of still are - right there with you. It is hard to be good at everything...be everything to everyone. Sometimes you have to cut yourself some slack, you know?

I can tell, just by reading your thoughts, what a fantastic mother you are. You care about your family, about their thoughts and feelings. You think about all of those little things that hurt to think about - because they are important.

I had a point somewhere, but it is late and I am tired - like all parents these days - so I guess I will just say this: this doesn't have to be a depression-free blog. I read it because it is about you...not just the funny you, but the real you. And I love when you share like this.

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