4.14.2008

How to make a house payment over the phone

Dial phone
Ring ring
Here is your payment history, you can not push buttons you must listen to the whole thing
Now that you have wasted 45 seconds listening you may choose options
If you want to hear your payment history push 1
If you want to make a payment push 2
(Pushes 2)
To make a payment push 1
(pushes 1)
Enter social security number
(Enters number)
More wasteful talking
To make a payment push 1
(thinks this sounds an awful lot like the last time she pushes 1, but alas pushes 1 again)
You are now being transfered to speed pay
(Thinks speed pay sounds fast and efficient, yay for Shannon)
Ringing

Still Ringing

Dead air
(Wonders if I've been hung up on)

More talking
To continue in English push 1
(Smashes 1 button)
Talking
Talking
(Starts mentioning something about how if she ever meets this pre-recorded voice in person she would really teach it a lesson)
To make a payment push 1
(Pushes 1 even though shes not even sure she is here to make a payment anymore)
Enter your loan number
(Enters loan number)
You entered ..... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes that motherfucking 1 button)
Please hold
(Bangs head on desk)
Enter your zip code
(enters code)
You entered ... is this correct, if so push 1 if not push 2
(Pushes 1)
Talking
Would you like to use the routing number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Wonders if pushing 2 would be rebellious)
Would you like to use the same account number you used before push 1 for yes and 2 for no
(Which button do I push to wake me up when this is over
To pay today push 1
(Finger is now to numb from pushing buttons, must push one with tongue)
The amount due is ....to pay this amount push 1
(Wonders if you can be put in a mental institution for killing a pre-recorded voice)
Are you sure you want to pay, if so push 1
(I'VE GONE THROUGH ALL THIS AND YOUR ASKING IF I'M SURE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS KARATE CHOPS THE 1 BUTTONS)
You have chosen to pay this amount to pay it push one, if not push 2
(How in the fuck is this different from the last fucking question)
Do you really want to process this payment
(Goes Hacksaw Jim Duggen on the phone hoping to push the 1 button at some point)
Here are your fees push 1 if you accept them
(Is now delirious and laughing at the fact that she has just pushed 1 938kajillion times, might possibly be crazy, hopes coworkers don't see her losing her mind)
To accept this payment speak your name
(My name is totally fucking batshit crazy)
You said this, to accept it push 1
(Finally realizes this is a joke right, no one can really push 1 this many times)
Your confirmation number is bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(What the fuck am to fucking delirious to hear that)
If you want to repeat this number push 1
(PLEASE KILL ME NOW)
Thank you have a nice day

That was for the first of 4 payments I had to make on the phone that day. You can imagine how the rest of my Friday went

9 comments:

Someone Being Me said...

Ugh. I am so glad I can pay my mortgage online. That is just crazy.

Mrs. F said...

The recordings I hate are the 'virtual' customer service reps. Ugh.

Christy said...

I hate the recordings that ask you to speak instead of hitting buttons. I end up repeating myself 569 times. grrr.

Cristina Mathers said...

oh my gosh that blows. i pay online. i try to limit my interaction with robots as much as possible.

are you having fun yet?

Jeninacide said...

I would have given up. FUCK BILLS ANYWAY!

Rachel said...

I actually yell at those automated answering things. I hate it but it is so much nicer than having to cut a check. I try and not talk to anyone. I always try and bypass the people. But i hear you-I cannot call on days when I am annoyed.

Marni Tiani Self said...

I hate those kinds of calls. I usually just press 0 a bazillion times to get a voice. I'm so impatient.

Lainey-Paney said...

it would have been quicker to
drive to the post office
buy a stamp
mail payment
drive home

Paper Propaganda said...

yes, and now that reminds me why i switched to online banking! haha, i would have threw my phone by the 199th time i pushed 1!!

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