5.09.2008

Blackout

I'm posting at work. I don't care. It's five minutes and I need to write this while its fresh, while the hurt is still there.

I yelled at Brandon this morning. I yelled at him because he wouldn't brush his teeth. I grabbed his arms with force and put him on his stool and shouted. I feel like shit. I want to cry. I hate myself for it. I know, I only yelled, I didn't hit him, spank him, even slap his hand, but to me it's worse.

I hate these days. The days where I can't get a handle on my emotions. Where I start the morning feeling hot and cute and sexy and happy, and in an instant I snap. I change. I'm horrid. I feel it coming on, I can't control it. I want to make it stop, even as I'm yelling at him, I'm yelling in my head STOP IT SHANNON STOP GET CONTROL. I just pulled into work and I feel my defenses going up. I already know I will be hyper aware of him today. I will protect him, keep him from trouble and be extra nice. I don't want him to feel worse then he already did this morning when his own mom shouted at him.

I'm going on an internet black out today. Don't instant message me I won't be there. I need to do some work, hear some music and be alone with my thoughts. No one elses, no idle conversation, just push it aside and work. I have to think, clear my head. Move on from this morning and pull myself out of this.

I'll be back tomorrow, but for today, just leave me alone. Let me stew in m own anger at myself. I need to be a better mom.

Later.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just have to tell you that I understand how you feel right now... My daughter just turned 4, and sometimes, like all kids, she can be a little pill. She's my only child, and I love her dearly, but there are just some days that I loose control and yell.... over the stupidist things... The whole time, I'm thinking in my head that I just need to shut up, that she doesn't deserve this, to just walk away... but I can't! My brain and my mouth don't seem connected to eachother at that point. Then I cry, apologize and tell her I love her. I have a hormone problem, which I'm working on controling, but I still can't use that excuse. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. What makes the difference is that you recognize what you are doing, and you are making up for it. Your boys will always know how much you love them, even if you occasionally loose your cool.
Oh, and I've been meaning forever to comment and tell you how great your blog is! I love the way you discribe things. I used to go to school with you, all the way back to Brown, I think! I was a year ahead of you. The other day, my husband and I went to Nik-n-Willies, and they still have your cheer framed and hanging up. Made me laugh when I read it, remembering the post you did awhile ago..... Keep your chin up, you'll pull through....

uumomma said...

shannon.
i am holding you in my thoughts.
erika

Mrs. F said...

**hugs**(even though you don't liek teh hugs)

We all do stuff like that (at least I do) and I know exactly what you are talking about telling yourself to stop yelling as you are doing it.

Give him lotsa loves and apologize.

Heh. another hug.

jodifur said...

Oh hon, I know, i do. I yell way, way, too much. It's so hard.

Not So Perfect said...

Your a wonderful mama. Realizing what you are doing is the first step in changing it. Hope you enjoy your day of "blackout" thinking of you.

Jayla'sMommy said...

Awww, I am so sorry that you feel so bad now... I hope you feel better soon!!!!
And you are such a wonderful mom Shannon and you love your boys so much!!!!

Cheeziemommie said...

UGH Mommy guilt is a horrendous weapon! Feel better soon!

Dyan said...

If I could only hope to be as good of a Mom as you are.... SERIOUSLY.

Amanda said...

We have all been there, believe me, iv'e got four boys and felt the way you are feeling today on a regular basis. Keep that chin up!

Love Amanda x

Tabitha said...

Yes ~ I have days like that too ~ most days actually!!
Hope you have a better day tomorrow!!
Love and hugs
Tabitha XX

Rachel said...

Shannon-I think this just falls in the same category of a few weeks ago when you said you just needed a break, You are such the super mom and sometimes that happens. Sometimes I do that with Max and I hate myself for it but it usually is when I am not taking care of myself and my frustration gets the best of me. Please do not beat yourself up. Blogging has taught me one thing and that all moms go through this, HUGS!!

Nellie said...

I just wanted to say that I sometimes do the same thing to my Ellie... and I feel horrible afterwards... I'm sure it is just a normal mommy thing. I don't think we can expect to be patient 100% of the time, can we?

Don't beat yourself up over it. You are his mommy and he LOVES you.

Amnesia said...

I sent you an email but I think it was eaten as spam.

I wrote this not very long ago to Snickolett - and it so applies here...to you, to all of us moms. I read your blog today, and I want you to know that you are a fantastic mom. Yelling does not make you a sucky mom It makes you human. You put so much pressure on yourself - to be a good wife, to take care of your house, to be a good mom, to lose weight (wow - good job by the way) and to do everything on top of working. Apply pressure much? Please step back and see this for what it was -a fluke...a moment of not being patient with Brandon...god, it happens. To all of us. Most of us just don't talk about it because we don't know that it is so normal.

We do all want to be better moms - I know I do. But honestly, you are doing such a great job. You are always so upbeat and happy for your family even when you are struggling internally...it has to be exhausting. Take some time for yourself...be nice to yourself. It is a lot more effective than beating yourself up. Especially since you are such a good person.
---------
I was thinking about you this morning.

I have 4 kids, 2 teenagers and a set of almost-3-year-old twin boys. My husband is currently out of town on business, and while this in no way compares to the life you have – single parenting twins all the time – I am feeling your pain. I have had 4 days of sheer hell with work, add to that the boys and I am ready to run over the next person asking me to do anything with my car.

Last night was particularly difficult. One of the boys got into stuff he shouldn't and so I yelled at him…and it felt so good to vent that I yelled more than I should. More than anybody ever should. And I stopped, and thought about you, and how you are trying to be more loving and patient with your kids… and I calmed down a bit, but it was still difficult. How on earth do you do it?

And then this morning I was thinking about what I would do today if I didn't have to go to work – what would brighten my day? And I thought it would be FANTASTIC to sans-kids, go to a park and go jogging. I would then grab a book out of the car and sit in the sun reading until lunch. At some point I would go sit outside and eat a HUGE salad and then head home for a bath and nap. By the time I went to get the boys, I would be in the most wonderful mood. Or at least I might not snap off my toddlers heads the first time they behaved like the two year olds that they are.

Anyway – you should do that when you have a chance. Take a day for you. Drop the kids off at daycare and take the whole day doing something you enjoy that is al about you.

And now that I have typed all of this, I am thinking what a complete tool I sound like – as if you needed someone to tell you these things. GAH.

Charlise

Amy@UWM said...

Congrats on this perfect post, although I'm sure you'd rather not have been there. We all have, though. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Rachael said...

Thank you for writing this post. Every Mom I know has these moments and so do I. It sucks, and it feels terrible. But in the long run, it will be okay. Most kids are not going to remember every time they got yelled at a little bit or made to brush their teeth, have a time out, eat their peas... because the other 99% of the time they're just being loved. No one is perfect, no matter how hard we try.

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