How does that talking heads song go? "How did I get here?" I've been asking myself that a lot lately. How did I get here? While I love my life, I can't help but wondering how I ended up in this spot right here. At what point in my life did I wake up and say, "It's time to stop partying, having fun, sleeping around, and being irresponsible, and time to start changing diapers, going to bed at 7pm, spend my days rushing around, and grow up?" Really at what point do people cognitively stop and say, I want to turn my whole life around?

I'm suffering some sort of writers block lately. The things that are bottling up inside of me are things I don't feel comfortable writing about. Sharing my entire life with those around me is sometimes frightening. Sometimes I find myself feeling limited and restricted. This makes it hard to write freely. With husbands, parents, aunts and uncles reading, there are things I feel like I must keep to myself. I've already suffered a blow out with a family member as a result of things I've written. While he and I no longer talk I still watch my writing because I have never for a second believed that he stopped reading.

There have been thousands of times I've wanted to write about my birth father, but I refrain because of the anger that usual erupts from it. I've wanted to write about past loves or heartaches or current lingerings in my mind, but I don't because what husband wants to read that? There are times I've wanted to write about some of the fun I had when I was younger with the boys, but what dad wants to read that? Times I want to write about disagreements I have at work, or in my daily life, you know, have a sounding board for the comings and goings of my actual life, but I don't, because, I know better.

These limits leave me with blogging about my kids, and little things like my weigh, or clothes or what not. I can't blog about religion or politics because I feel too naive to discuss either. I will never claim to have a vast knowledge in those subjects, well, in many subjects for that matter. I don't often write about my kids, because while I realize a lot of moms come here to read, I also realize there is only so much, "oh look who crawled, walked, back talked, smeared poop on the walls today" talk people can take. Since so many blogs seem to be filled with that lately I try and moderate how often I do. Call it my lame attempt at standing out.

I've found myself being so nostalgic lately. Missing old friends, and habits, and the freedom and fun of being 16. I wouldn't trade my life in for anything but I miss those days. I was someone different then. Poetic, loud, boisterous, mischievous, unaffected, unaffraid. I may have always been depressed and I may have always had large swings, but back then I handled them differently. I wrote poetry, or stories, or letters to myself. I wrote out the sadness and soaked up the music I love. I listened to my songs on full blast, letting the words and beats over take my entire being. I had the time to put a CD on repeat and let a song wash over me 53 times in a row. But I always came out faster, and stayed out longer.

Now, I keep the music down so I don't hurt little ears. I don't have time to listen to a song all the way through let alone 53 times in a row. My days are now filled with raising two young minds. Molding them so they don't turn out like me. And if they do, giving them the tools to handle it better then I do.

I miss having time. Time to write a whole blog on one train of thought rather then write, then jump up to clean purposely spilled water, then write, then run to the pantry to put a toddler in time out for dumping expensive creamer on my floor. I can't keep a train of thought to save my life. I miss the time to lock the door, blare my music and dance naked in the shower for as long as I want. I miss so much.

I wouldn't give up my kids for anything. Does that mean that I have to stop missing the other things though? I don't want to be perceived as someone unhappy with their married family life. Because I'm not. I only wish I could mingle the two. Create some mish mash of that old free spirited girl with the boring mom I've become.

I want to laugh about my trip to the store with Ginger that yielded nothing but donuts, bread, pastry, and canned cheese dip. But instead of laughing I stare nervously at the things I brought home and think about the money wasted and how that could have just bought more milk, or meat, or vegetables. I want to spend hours oggling a tiny baby shimmying and wiggling across a hard wood floor, but as I do, I'm thinking, well gee, you really should be taking a shower right now, or doing dishes, or perhaps sweeping the floor one more fucking time today.

Do you have a happy medium. A place where your youth meets your present? How do you balance the two? Do you simply smother that 16 year old voice in your head begging to party and rock out, or do you let her come out and shine? How do you juggle the fun with the parenting? How do you let yourself enjoy small things with out feeling like a guilty mom taking time away from important things?

Am I alone in this? Do we all miss the selves of yesteryear? Do we all miss our tight jeans, and ass shaking walk, and first kisses, and long tasty nights with men? Do we all miss blowing money on crazy food and drinks rather then sensible things?

Like I said, I'm in a writers block. There are so many good stories in this head, they are just stories I don't think I will ever share. Trying to pic good stories out of my every day life, just reminds me how...mundane I am.


Amnesia said...

I think everyone feels the way you do - or at least a lot of people do...that is why facebook, high school reunions, and older music and movies are so popular. We all want to remember those days when we were not rife with responsibility.

I think as we get older, we are filled with so many experiences, so much knowledge - that we choose the safer more rewarding routes with our lives. I don't think we can go back to the yesteryears - not the way things are in our minds. We know too much now. It wouldn't be the same. You wouldn't be able to piss away a whole day doing nothing, because you KNOW how precious life is - how fleeting everything is. THAT is something that the 16-year-old you would have never understood. And that - right there - I think, is why people have middle-age-crisis. It is the reason there is so much depression in the 30-50 age range.

It was so hard to be a teenager. It was hard to be a new parent. It is hard to be a parent to a teenager. It is hard to support a family and make good decisions. Every part of life is hard... it only looks better/easier/more desirable after we have been through it - or if we are looking at someone else's life - one we don't have to feel the pain of learning through.

Does that make sense? I guess my point is this - I feel just like you. LOTS of people do. How do you deal with it? Depends...writing about it helps. it helps me. Reading about other people going through the same thing helps. That is what is so fantastic about blogging...about this virtual community. It makes me feel less alone in daily struggles.

Jeninacide said...

Well, I for one, have only been a mom for a short 5 months, and although I think things could very well change once I have ANOTHER child in the future, for now I do not feel at all smothered.

Maybe that is because I still let myself go out with my friends on occasion. We just recently started having back yard parties again with all of our neighbors. I still let myself have a few drinks on the weekends and I still get enough alone time that I am not going crazy.

It helps that my husband will babysit for my anytime I want- no questions asked. I also get to get away from my child for several hours, 5 days a week, and be at my job where I am with other adults and feel like I am contributing something productive to the world.

I definitely take pride in the fact that I am still very much myself even though I am a mother. I hope that I don't lose that part of me. I don't plan on it- but the only way to get it is by taking time for yourself. Which I do, even if the chores don't always get done.

Jeninacide said...

Oh- that doesn't mean I don't wish I could go to Burning Man and eat mushrooms and run around topless in the desert.



you know... said...

oh honey I so feel you on this one. I feel the same way. you and i were alot alike in our "former lives." i used to actually think that i would still go out to bars once i was married. now i just don't want to. but i greatly miss the friendships and the camaraderie that i felt with my friends. and now i am married with children and life is totally different. we are actually responsible, we save money, we buy insurance, we make payments, we contribute to our retirement for pete's sake. life is just so different....it's hard to take sometimes. other times it's exactly what i always dreamed of and more.

maybe life will seem more suiting as we get older and our kids are more helpful rather than needy and blah blah blah. supposedly you become enlighted in your 30's. well see.

i am so guilty to writing about my kids because i am too lame to write my real feeling out there where anyone (my mom, MIL, friends) can read it. thank goodness for the secret blog.

H said...

I can totally relate!!! I to, am the mother of 2 small boys. My days are filled with diapers, snacks, coloring, messes, fighting (mine are a tad older than yours), tears, hugs..it's one big rollercoaster from sun up to sun down.

I do miss the party of myself that got to be carefree and crazy and only worry about what I wanted, needed, or felt like doing!
I do think time for yourself is important..although very hard to get.
Even if its an hour on saturday that i can do whatever i want..sit in the tub, sleep, read, whatever..it helps to just not be NEEDED so much all the time!!!

We're so there with you!!

Not So Perfect said...

Oh no I have to let that girl out every once in awhile and I bring Ella along for the ride. Usually a song will bring it out in me and Ella and I will dance around the family room with the song on repeat dancing our butts off.

I do know what you mean though. I miss butterflies in my stomach and make out sessions that lasted hours and taking off for vacation on a whim.Doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. We will be able to do these things again someday.

I hear a lot of people say you need to make time for yourself as a mom, and I am sure that is really good advice if you could do it and not feel guilty.

Dude I totally forgot what I was going to say Ella distracted me.

Not So Perfect said...

Oh yea ...something about the spring brings on pointless nostalgia for me. I think it has something to do with the warm weather.

Anonymous said...

Babe, you don't have to limit your writing when it comes to me reading. Everyone thinks about pasts relationships or flings or whatever. Everyone thinks about what ifs or presents. That's what makes us human. I can't say that I won't feel weird reading it but I know that at the end of the night, you are next to me, well and Codi. Seriously, it's OK, I promise.


Mom said...

Jen just let me know when you want to go and Ill take you and Shannon both. You know what happens at Burning man stays at Burning man.

Its all I talk about ever day I cant wait for it to get here.

109 days be for the man burns

Mom said...

Well I ‘am sure you would like to talk about how your dad wants to eat peanut butter ice cream around Brandon and how mad it makes you cause it could hurt Brandon if he gets it one him.

The fight we had cause it was brought to my attention about the peanut butter just on Sat.

So there now you can write about it cause I brought it up.

I’m with Rob its ok Shannon I’m a big girl I can handle anything you can write about and if now Ill get over it.

Anonymous said...

Can I tell you that this last month of my life has made me feel the same way? I feel like I'm "mothering" my parents. I love them and in good conscience I want to help them out 100%. But as I walked home last night at 9PM from the laundry mat, with my shopping cart full of clothes and feeling completely wrecked after a long day that started at 6A, I looked into the window of the bar and saw people my age having a few drinks and watching the baseball game. It gave me nostalgic feelings of the days when that was me. How it should be me now, going out at 9PM, not coming home to walk the dog, eat dnner, sort laundry, shower, and get to bed just to get up at 6A to do another long day. It makes me sad too.

But I know there has to be better days ahead. Its only normal to feel this way at times. We all feel this way. I think its great that your mom and rob have both said to write freely.

P.S. This post is one complete thought, written honestly and very interesting. You writing touched me and affected me...if that helps at all. I don't feel alone in feeling nostalgic of past days

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