5.21.2008

DEAR LISA- YOUR FIRED

DEAR LISA,
NEXT TIME I SEND YOU A MESSAGE THAT SAYS I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF AND I WANT TO EAT IT OUT, AND FOLLOW IT WITH A MESSAGE SAYING I'M GOING TO THE GAS STATION MARKET IT IS YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION TO STOP ME. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY DIET, AND MY FAT ASS. THEN, CALL THE GAS STATION, SINCE YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M GOING TO AND FORBID THEM TO SERVE ME. ALSO. WHEN YOU KNOW I'M FEELING LIKE EATING, STOP TALKING ABOUT FUCKING SMORES. BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF CONCERN AND NOT STOPPING ME I WAS FORCED TO BUY THE FOLLWING:
1 CHEFS SALAD
1 BAG CORN NUTS
1 PINT BEN AND JERRYS
1 FRESCA
1 PACK OF 2 DING DONGS
2 MINI ALMOND JOYS
1 MOON PIE (WTF IS A MOON PIE)
1 POT O GOLD (WTF IS A POT O GOLD)
1 BAG SIXLETTES
1 PACK OF GUM
1 BAG ALMOND M&MS
1 TOBBLERON BAR
AND ONE STRAWBERRY CHARLESTON CHEW

THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT, ALL THAT HAPPENED BECAUSE THE STORE WAS OUT OF SMORES CANDY BARS AND YOU DIDN'T STOP ME. IT'S ONLY 14 SECONDS FROM YOUR OFFICE, YOU COULD HAVE WENT OVER AND DRUG ME OUT KICKING AND SCREAMING, BUT NO YOU INSTEAD REPLY WITH, "EAT SOMETHING YUMMY!"

YOUR FIRED! YOU ALWAYS DO A MUCH BETTER JOB REMINDING ME TO EAT HEALTHY AND WATCH MY DIET.

YOUR FIRED.

AM NOW HIRING FOR OPEN POSITION OF COUSIN!

NOT SINCERELY SHANNON!

12 comments:

Coffee Slut said...

omg ...SIXLETTES! I haven't seen those in years. I need to get out more ...

Ginger said...

A strawberry charleston chew...you better have bought me one too!

And stop blaming your junk food binges on those near and dear to you. First it was me and the grocery store, where I remember telling you to PUT DOWN THE OREO CAKE THINGS AND STEP AWAY!

Mrs. F said...

Jesus fucking chriminy Shannon. When you go out, you go out BIG!!!!! Put the candy down and walk away slowly!

Modest Mousketeer said...

I think you're being just a tad bit harsh... at least you got a salad there.

Christy said...

Ben and Jerry's Mmmmmm... I want some ice cream.

angie said...

Wow Lisa is on the shit list haha! I can't believe you bought all that stuff...and sixlettes!!! What gas station did you go to because I must now go and get sixlettes...haven't seen those in years either!!!

Blogversary said...

Yum...ding dongs

Not So Perfect said...

I will be sending you my resume.

Although I think I not only wouldn't have stopped you I would have joined you and added a few more things to your list. Yummm moon pies.

Lainey-Paney said...

....um, I think the only things you left out were a can of bean dip & back of pork rinds.

tell me you didn't eat all of that junk food together. I'd be sooooo sick.

Heidi said...

Sounds like fun. Sometimes you can actually lose weight by binging a bit. My mother and I went out to dinner a week or so ago (she had hit a plateau) we ordered big juicy steak burgers, fries, coke and a huge custard desert. YUM! She felt guilty, but woke up the next morning having lost another pound!!

Steph said...

Chin up my dear!

xoxox

Chris Walker said...

Can I call you out on grammar? It's "you're" fired, not "your" fired. I know you just rant and don't worry about it but, you know, I'm white and evidently we wite peple luv 2 cerrect grammer.

And if you need anyone to "inspire" you not to eat shitty food because it will make you fat, I'd be more than happy to help. I don't know how good I'd be at being a cousin but I can be an...I don't know, motivational reminder?

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