How to grocery shop like a pro

Step 1: Arrive at store only to discover you have forgotten to put your Moby Wrap back in your car after trip to Oregon. Stand there realizing you have two kids in your car.

Step 2: Scratch head for a while before deciding to us the only logical shopping cart for your trip. Grab this.Step three: Attach baby to base of cart inside of his car seat. Coerce two year old into putting the ill placed kites right at the front door back and get in beg him to get into his little car.

Step four: Enter grocery store and immediately try and wrangle two year old back into his car as he has just jumped out and gone flailing at top speed toward a stupid balloon posted right in the front of the store IN HIS REACH.

Step five: Realize the store is out of the apples, oranges, onions, and potatoes you want. Beg and plead with your child to please stay in the cart.

Step six: Purchase a watermelon in place of Clementine's. Consider purchasing back brace to lift said watermelon.

Step seven: Get suckered into buying Diego Yogurt drinks because stupid grocery store places them low on the shelf making them eye level with small whiney children.

Step eight: Crowd isles while you pry tiny foil lid off said yogurt drink because two year old refuses to sit still unless he gets to drink yogurt RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Step nine: Go to check out. Pry numerous candy bars from sons hands because stupid ass grocery store places candy in reach of tiny fingers. Finally finish and attempt to maneuver stupid ass cart to your car. Looking like this,
Step ten: Watch in horror as your son flings yogurt and yogurt container out of cart all over himself and parking lot.

Step eleven: Go to clean up yogurt and discover that two year old has stolen pack of gum opened it up and eating over half of it.

Step twelve: Confiscate said gum, march two year old back to store to pay for it then throw it away to teach two year old NOT TO STEAL.

Step thirteen: Get back to car go to unpack bags and see that bagger has packed your bags like this,
Yeah, because that doesn't look healthy (there was actually two more items in bag but I removed them so you could see the copious amounts of milk and creamer).

Step fourteen: Repack bags so they are actually liftable and unload groceries. Put kids in car and get inside.

Step fifteen: Scan receipt and realize check charged you .96 per pound for watermelon as opposed to .47 meaning your $5.00 watermelon just became a $9.00 watermelon.

Step sixteen: Decide that $4.00 isn't worth dragging kids back to store, and wonder why you still shop here since this is the 5th time in 4 months they have fucked up your receipt.

Step seventeen: Get home and take inventory of everything you forgot at the store while wrestling with child. Start new list of things to buy, realize you need at least 7 things and you were just at the fucking store.

Step eighteen: Realize you still have one child covered in yogurt and must bathe him. Attempt to cram groceries into fridge and rush to bathe child.

Step nineteen: Realize you need to bathe baby also. Give both kids a bath, and discover you look like a disaster yourself, and have had a pretty rough day.

Step twenty: Take photo to show the world how totally unglamorous you are on a daily basis after chasing a two year old and nursing a baby.

Step twenty one: Wait three days AND THEN remember the watermelon rolling around in your car.


Amanda said...

At least your still smiling!
Your shopping trip sound a bit like mine does!
welcome to my world!!!!!!

Amanda x

Jeninacide said...

I think you look pretty glamorous. You should see ME today. OMG.

Heidi said...

Ack! Comment problems. And now I can't remember what i wrote. So I just want to thank you for the laugh and tell you I think your smile looks beautimous!

Tabitha said...

That's the kind of days I have!!
I once left some bananas in the boot of the car(in the summer!!) ~ they were there for a week before I noticed ~ the car smelt kin of strange for a while!!
Tabitha X

Mrs. F said...

OMG, the nine dollar watermelon got left in the trunk??? Yikes!

Grocery shopping is finally one of my alone times. I only shop at Bel-Air because they have a play care area for the kids. I know that a lot of people like to teach their children things in the grocery store, but I say "Fuck that".

Maybe when they are older.

Lover of Life said...

OMG this brings back memories! LOL

Rachel said...

First off-you look so damn cute,. Now give me a break woman!

Modest Mousketeer said...

Better add milk to that new list because I think you only got enough for like... a day.

I don't have any kids and I still forget half the stuff on my list, replacing it with seven things that we DID NOT NEED and that WERE NOT ON THE LIST. This has mostly to do with the fact that I hate going to the store and running in to people. I'm always in such a hurry to get out of there, I don't pay attention to why I went in the first place. Down side to a small town I guess. Or there's something really wrong with me. Maybe both.

I think you should consider yourself quite talented and focus on all the calories you burned whilst on that excursion.

mom said...

First you look hot and second remind me tomorrow to get a tripod for that fancy new camera.

Cheeziemommie said...


Megan said...

Seriously, one of these days I'm going to run into you. You'd better memorize my face so I don't walk up to you and be all, "Hi Shannon!" and you look at me with a scared expression on your face and your eyes darting around before you grab your babies and run. :) I know you were at Smith's...I was just there today...and I can WALK there from my house! :) You look fabulous, daaaahling.

Missy Marshmallow said...

Does anyone look glamorous at the grocery store? I sure as heck do not. My idea of grocery shopping glamour consists of brushed teeth and a pony tail, maybe some sweats with bleach marks, just for good measure.

Megan said...

Could tell from your pictures that you were at Smith's. :) If I had really seen you, I would've said hi!

Megan said...

You are a freak!! I never do my hair and I hate makeup. So if you see me out and about, unless I'm dressed for work, I won't have makeup on. And my hair will be in a ponytail, NO MATTER WHAT. :) And YOU, Miss Thang, look incredible!!

Megan said...

How tall are you? I am only 5'7" - not too bad! :)

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