5.22.2008

An open letter to the last ten pounds

They say you are the hardest pounds to lose. Which isn't saying much since your other 40 friends just fell right off like a leaf in the wind. But you, oh you, last ten pounds, well your quite the little bitch. You have the meanest desires. You keep luring me to that chocolate bar in the freezer, or the pop tarts in the pantry. You make me lose concentration and forget I'm dieting. You keep coming back. You tease me with a 1 pound lose only to make me gain 3 pounds.

I want you gone. But I don't want to give up my candy, and bagels, and junk food. Tell me Mrs. last ten pounds, why can't you give me a free pass from my period while I'm trying to get rid of you? Why can't you protect me from getting sick and needing comfort food? Why do you like my body so much? I'm not nice to you. I don't parade you around for the world to see. I don't let you hang out over my jeans and brag that you are there. So why, why do you want to stay so close by?

I'll make you a deal Mrs. last ten pounds. If you leave me, and move somewhere else, like oh, say onto my 3rd% for weigh 2 year old, I will totally continue to feed my body chocolate and donuts. And, if you won't leave, can you at least redistribute somewhere like, umm, my brain, or my boobs. No wait, those are already big enough. Just leave!

Stop being a selfish stubborn little bitch and get off my body. I have some jeans I need to buy and I can't till you're gone! What did I do to deserve you anyway? It's not like I spent the last 7 years living on pasta and ice cream....oh wait, I did, but still. Fuck. Give a girl a break.

I went out in the sun and attempted to melt you off this last weekend. But noooo. Instead I just walked away with tan stretch marks and an extra pound from the sunshine fun food I ate. You're a slut, I see how you work.

Maybe you'll leave if I feed you something really yucky, like fish, or diet food. Thats it. Two can play this game asshole, if you won't leave I'm going to feed you nothing but rice cakes and apples FOREVER!!!!!

7 comments:

moo said...

omg, lol.

Maybe you can adjust your thinking? Maybe you can embrace that weight that you are stuck at and call it your new base weight? That way, if you lose any more you can be happy and if you gain anymore you know how easy it is to get back to that set point?

Ah, nothing like a steaming pile of assvice first thing in the morning.

Christy said...

I find all weight hard to lose, not just those last 10 pounds. Consider yourself lucky.

Jeninacide said...

I just had this EXACT same conversation with my ASS.

jodifur said...

I have been trying to loose 10 pounds since the dawn of time!

Rachel said...

You are so damn funny. How do you think of this stuff? Yeah the last 8 were a bitch and I still had 4 to go but I got prego.

Blogversary said...

You are so right. I am about 8 pounds from my happy weight and will take me all summer because it will take some awesome will power on my part. And, I really really like ice cream.

Heidi said...

Love the post! Congrats on the wight you have lost!! You may have to turn a blind eye to these last 10 and maybe if you are lucky they will leave on their own.

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