8.11.2008

In need of a vice

Tonight someone stopped by my house. I was in the middle of making dinner. Something I haven't done in over a week. Why? Because I had Brandon's birthday party meaning I had family in and out all week. Even when I didn't have family staying here we were still out to dinner with them or something. Friday I had the day off and I spent the first half of the day at the stores buying some new bedding and some other odds and ends. Then family came by and we went out bowling and to dinner. Saturday I spent the day in my room. I decluttered my bathroom counters, did some laundry, and picked up parts of the house. Saturday night Rob and I didn't have Brandon and Codi actually napped so we just sat down ate dinner and watched a movie together. It was nice. Sunday I did a lot of grocery shopping, all of Brandons laundry, Robs laundry and washed the whites (Rob folded them). I got everything ready for the week, laid out Brandons change of bedding for school and cleaned up some of his toys. I even cleaned part of my bathroom and washed some rugs. Sunday night I went to a birthday party and had a great time. I needed that. While I got a lot done this past week, at the same time I didn't' get shit done.

Back to the point. Tonight someone stopped by as I was cooking. They were there a short amount of time and the only two things they could say was, my garden died and it was my fault and my house was a mess. Which of course was my fault. They left and I was deflated. Here I was just trying to cook a meal for my husband since I haven't done it all week and the life was sucked right out of me. I stood there for a minute and all I could think was I want to have a shot. Nope can't do that. Fine I'm going to smoke something. Nope can't do that. Fine I'll eat a donut. Nope can't do that. Well what the fuck. I'm all out of vices. Someone suggested running. Sure let me just stop dinner and take of running. Nope can't do that. I need a real vice. A quick fix and I got nothing. So I did the most logical thing I could think of. I rocked out to my new favorite song and then set out cleaning. I cleaned the bath tub, bath seat and toys. I emptied all of the trashes. Cleaned off all of the kitchen counters. Got two loads of laundry in the wash and one is in the dryer. I put all the mail in my designated "ignore" pile and cleaned off the top of the washer and dryer (my end of the day catch all for junk). I put away the clothes on my dresser and set to work wiping random shit down. I realized I was angry at the comment that person made. Angry that I was finally trying to accomplish something as simple as dinner and it wasn't enough. I'm looking around now at all the other shit I need to do. The table needs wiped down the place mats need changed. The fridge needs cleaned and the pantry needs organized and the fucking donuts are still staring at me.

The truth is that I kind of purposely let my house go some. I thought I would be moving soon and so I thought I would be packing soon. I figured I would finally get a chance to declutter and garage sale some shit. But now, with the house being pushed out even farther I guess I have to suck it up and do a deep fall cleaning.

I just wish I had a vice. I wish I could be responsible enough with my drinking to just throw a few back tonight. The sad truth is, I probably could handle it now. I'm in a different place but I won't let myself find out. I think that if I ever took another drink I would be so let down that would send me spiraling. It's become sort of a game now. How long can I go with out drinking. But the other truth is, I'll always have my depression, I'll always have the lows like I'm having now, and I'll never be able to tell the difference between tossing some back to relax and tossing a bottle back to drown my sorrows.

I think I'm lucky I've made some new great friends. I think lately those friends have been my saving grace. Still though, I don't have a vice. Do you have a vice? What is yours? Are there any vices out there that I can do while nursing that won't affect my waist line, and that aren't too too illegal?

15 comments:

Kat said...

Shannon you totally rock. I don't know how you deal with it all but the fact that you don't knock back a few shots even though you may be able to handle it shows just how strong you really are.

I know that sometimes comments like that can get you down, plus with everything on your plate right now a normal person would've been tempted.

My vice would totally be snacking and I loathe myself for it. Recently I have taken up walking when I get annoyed.

Coffee Slut said...

Coffee is my vice (obviously) ZERO calories for black coffee, and gives me the energy to do EVERYTHING.

You know what? You have TWO children and you work ...anyone expecting your house to be perfect has a few screws loose. Seriously.

Mom said...

First of all I’m a normal person and I was the said person that went to her house (MOM).

1) I didn’t say anything about your house in case no one knows I pay my house cleaner to clean it for her at least every other week and I know she was just there last Thursday be for your company came. I do that cause you have your hands so full its my little treat to help you out.
2) I have been asking you for 2 weeks now how are your tomatoes, you know the ones I planted. You have told me fine mommy we go out every night and pick them. About 3 weeks ago I was there and a dripper came off of your tomatoes in the container and was flooding your whole garden and your sprinkler box was filled with water. I didn’t have any thing there to fix it so I just put a rubber band on it. I guess it was to tight and nothing was getting any water. I have taken the time to plant them I don’t mind helping I was just mad you didn’t tell me, hay mom I need help I don’t think my tomatoes are getting any water.
3) Just because you’re leaving your house honey you live in a nice neighbor hood your mother and father in law was just in town along with your aunt and uncle and Rob’s aunt and uncle. I didn’t under stand why Rob had not mowed the lawn it has to be 9 inches tall in the back. I know how worried you was that your house was clean when they were all there and how much you had to do be for they all showed up I just don’t get letting a lawn go like that. Sorry Rob

Now for them that don’t know me I’m a gardener I had my own business for 8 years and its what I did for work for 15 years. As Shannon is a great cook I’m a great gardener and yes it’s the first thing I look at when I go to any ones house. I love to pull weeds and play in the dirt. Shannon will tell you I even water her houseplants every time I’m there because to me they are like people they breath and eat and need water and care. Sorry Shannon for caring for your plants that you was so proud of and blog about http://wilddreemer.blogspot.com/2008/05/happy-mothers-day.html when I planted them.

Mom said...

http://wilddreemer.blogspot.com
/2008/05/happy-mothers-day.html

Lainey-Paney said...

okay, if your vice is going to be cleaning, then you're officially invited to my house & I'm going to find a way to piss you off. Oh, but I'll lock the doors first so you can't just leave. You'll have to stay & clean. MMMMkay?

Seriously---I don't think cleaning & running are bad vices to have!

Steph said...

I am proud that you didn't throw back the shots that were going through your head. Shows how strong you are and what a great person you have become.

angie said...

I agree with Lainey...if I piss you off and cleaning is your vice I expect you to take it out on my house haha! I can't say that I have a specific vice that I can think of when I am upset. I guess the one that I use the most is I take off for a drive and listen to music. I find songs that seem to fit that moment and listen to those. Or I vent to others...I guess those are really my only vices...if you can really consider those to be a vice!

Multi-Tasking Mama said...

When my mom criticizes I get worked up too. I don't think, even as adults, kids like being bossed around by their parents. But I am sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

My vices are food and shopping. One makes me fat and one makes me poor. I have nothing good to offer.

Christy said...

I am in the same boat. I don't drink or smoke, and I can't eat any sweets because almost everything has either soy or dairy in it. So, when I really need a fix, I drink a crisp can of Coca Cola Classic.

kristi said...

Sunday my brother came over, I was still in bed! My house was a mess! All I could do was say, "Oh sorry my house is a mess" as I started cleaning up. My brother is OCD about a clean house. I am not.

UGH.

Cheeziemommie said...

I suggest a nice cold Dr Pepper. Sometimes it just does the trick that nothing else will! :)

Good luck with that clean house bit. Just the fact that you cook such great dinners with everything else that's on your plate has be worshipping you :)

Hang in there!

Not So Perfect said...

too too illegal, OMG hilarious.

So like hmmm, cleaning is good, but I don't think you are really dealing with the issue at hand, which is how you feel. I don't mean to throw some psycho BS at you, but if you dealt with your feelings then you wouldn't need a vice, right?

I am one to talk I got like a million and one vices.

Hope you're feeling better.

Mrs. F said...

I have no ideas for vices. Mine have always been drugs (not for YEARS though), then cigarettes (not anymore), and now I guess I have nothing.

I love that your Mom owned up to being the one you were mad at. She did not have to, so that is pretty awesome of her.

Jennifer said...

Life is too short to worry about a clean house when you have kids. I constantly stressed about having a clean house... and you know what? It's not worth it. Who cares. It's YOUR house and you live with it. Other people don't like it, then don't come over. I'm sure your mom didn't mean to make you feel badly, but I've been where you are Shannon (my dad said some very hurtful things to me too...and I'm a Daddy's girl) and KUDOS to you for singing your heart out while cooking dinner. You're doing the best you can and GO YOU!

Sharilee said...

If you know you dont need to drink, then stay true to that. You are stronger than most. I have a cleaning vice as well. Last week was very stressful, my apartement is freakin immaculate right now. This feeling comes over me that my life will be peaceful if I can just get all the floors mopped and the hall closet gone through and organized. I do a "spring/fall cleaning" every two months bc I am ocd about junk. Keep em healthy but do whatever strikes you at the moment that will keep you sane. I know I know. I suggested running.

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