8.07.2008

Life

My mom asked me last night how I've been. My reply was OVERWHELMED. I notice signs often through out the day telling me I'm heading back down that spirally dark place again. When I notice this happening the hardest part is realizing that I notice it the most in my parenting.

I don't know if Brandon is just experimenting lately with ways to annoy me or if it's just the monster in me that makes him so hard to handle. Either way he's spent a lot of time in time out. Right now the issue at hand is not listening. This isn't general toddler assholey not listening either, this is a new form that I call FUCKYOUMOM. I tell him to do something like "finish your pancakes." He will look at me and say no. Then he will just walk away. Then ask for something, to which I reply, "finish your pancakes." To which he replies "I SAID NO." It goes round and round and before you know it he's in time out. Time out used to mean he would sit in there and be quiet because he was still playing with his toys. Now it means he screams and cries to the point where I'd rather let him sit out here and be a bossy little asshole to me then listen to him fucking cry in time out for five minutes.

He wants more milk and I told him no milk till you finish his pancakes. His choice is then to sit at the table and bang his milk cup until he bangs all fucking sanity from my head and I end up yelling, "FINISH YOUR PANCAKES OR GO TO TIME OUT." His reply was, "NO I WANT NILK NOW NOW NOW RIGHT NOW MOMMY NOW."

Can you guess where he is?

He's sitting in his room crying, "I don't want to be in time out." So I told him, "Brandon if you don't want to be in time out finish your pancakes." He came out and started crying for me to hold him. I told him to finish his pancakes, that was part of the deal to getting out of time out. Instead he chooses to sit here and cry to me that he won't eat his pancakes, he wants daddy, and that the is "SO SAD." While every bone in my body just wants to hold him and make him stop crying the brain in my head says, NO Shannon he needs to learn to listen to you. He is now back in his room in time out crying and crying and crying about daddy. In case you are wondering he can actually cry in his room for a god 30 minutes before I will have no choice but to go in and get him so he can go to school.

I don't understand why he can't just have the sense to listen to ME. He listens to his teacher, his dad, my mom, my dad, the kid across the street, my cousins and fuck he probably would listen to the mailman. So why is it only me that my son refuses to respect?

Last night he wanted a toy. I told him he could have it if he just put away his three other toys. He actually cried on the floor of his room for 25 minutes about not cleaning toys and wanting daddy. What do I do in those situations? Do I go in and try and appease him or let him scream? Some days parenting is so hard. All I know is at the end of the day, he's doing a lot of crying and yelling and so am I.

Yesterday he asked me for some whipped cream. I told him tomorrow at breakfast he could have it on his pancakes. So he went and asked dad. Dad said okay. Rob was in the bathroom so he had no idea I had said no, but still, it just aggravated me that he didn't listen and went and asked Rob.

Codi is going through a phase where he won't sleep with out a boob perma-affixed in his mouth. That means from about 9pm till about 5am he is attached to me like the handle I crazy glued back to my coffee mug. If I try and pull him off and lay him down he starts screaming immediately. The odd thing is he naps fine during the day. The more obnoxious part is a few weeks ago he started a new thing where he would have some milk, pull himself off, roll over and sleep all on his own. Now I feel like I sleep with a tiny suckerfish, only it's a suckerfish who farts and cries a lot.

My husband plays softball till September and as much as I know he needs a hobby I'm pretty much sick of softball. I guess softball wouldn't be so bad if I had a hobby too. I am trying to pick up running but it's hard to run when the days he doesn't have softball he wants to work out or drive all the way out to the field to hit balls. I got to run on Tuesday, and won't get to again until Friday because he had a game Wednesday and tonight he's driving all the way clear across town, wasting gas to hit balls. This probably would be fine if he didn't leave me home alone with a 3 year old who insists on spending the first 25 minutes crying about missing daddy, the next 30 minutes crying about how mean I am for making him clean, the next 30 minutes crying because I won't let him have sugar for dinner, 8 minutes crying because the phone rand and I need to talk on it not him, and the next 45 minutes crying because it is dark outside and he wants to go to sleep with daddy not take a bath and wait for daddy. All this time he is screaming my baby is screaming for a tit, or to be held or played with, and when I'm in a downward spirally kind of spot it's easy to say softball can really be the straw that broke the camels back. And by broke I mean snapped it in half, then beat it with a dead stick, then locked it in the closet and buried it alive.

I actually sent my husband a text last night saying I was going to lock myself in the closet to hide from all the screaming. If you’re wondering Brandon is still in his room screaming over and over and over DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY. All the fucking kid had to do was eat his last goddamn pancake.

It's been 33 minutes. He is still screaming. We have to leave for school in 26 minutes and I have 3 people to get ready. I guess mom has to give in and go get him one more time. I just walked by his door and noticed he's not only crying and yelling for daddy he's actually laying on the floor kicking his feet as he does it.

So. For those of you wondering how I'm doing? I'm barely holding on. I'm feeling like a fucking asshole. I'm snappy and rude and cranky and bitchy. I'm doing a lot of bitching. I'm doing a lot of poor me, and I'm pretty sure I walk around with a fixed scowl on my face!

I saw the doctor the other day, and she followed up with me about where I was last time we talked. Last time I talked to her was the day I found out I was pregnant with Codi. She asked my thoughts on starting medicine and agreed that if I can hold out for the sake of breast-feeding that I should. Something in the way I was talking to her made her ask me how I was. I guess she could see the big FUCK YOU sign on my head or something. Either way, she wants me to call her as soon as I wean so we can talk more about making me less of a fucker and more of a lover!

** Update: It's now been one hour and 7 minutes of him laying on the floor alternating between screaming about daddy and nilk. I finally opened the door and calmly said, "Brandon stop crying." I asked him if he was talking to me like a big boy and he said no. I said what do you have to do to get the milk and he replied, "ask nicely, stop crying." So I asked what he wanted to do, he stopped crying, looked at me and said, "I have nilk please?" He's okay now but I'm not. I'm mad I yelled. I'm mad I got so mad about it all. I'm mad that I can't always handle being a mom. Maybe I'm not mad maybe I'm more sad.

12 comments:

Jennifer said...

Bless your heart. I don't have any advice, but my thoughts are with you. My only suggestion is that maybe instead of leaving Brandon with you when he goes to hit balls, Rob takes him with him. Let him burn off some of that pent-up energy all little kids have. That way, Brandon gets his Daddy time, you get less crying, and can hopefully get some sanity back.
Let me know if I can do anything!

Mrs. F said...

Three year olds are fucking precious, aren't they?

I am weak, i would have caved to the crying after only about 20 or 30 minutes. I think it is hella funny that he actually remembered what he was crying about.

Stay strong. He is doing this to YOU because he is around you more often and he knows you the best (at least that is what I found with my little turds). He will outgrow this stage with your consistency. You are a good mother.

Also? Yay for you for still breastfeeding!

Lindz said...

I love that Tom Petty is on here right now! Lurve!

Oh and give yourself a break once and a while Shannon. I know I'm not a parent but I do know that it isn't going to be easy when I am. I also know that I'll get just as frustrated as you do but that you're doing a good job by making him listen to you and take you seriously.

And don't feel like a let-down if once you finish breast feeding your Dr thinks you should try some anti-anxiety meds, they helped me a lot and I am not embarrassed to say it. The most important thing is to use them as a means to get on track with yourself and then let them go.

Christy said...

Shit, you sound normal to me! Toddlers are hard to manage. And sleep deprivation can seriously kick your ass.

Personally, I think you did the right thing by letting him cry. He has to know that you mean business!

Sharilee said...

1. I had the thought yesterday that you need a hobby of your own...meaning NO KIDS! And even more ironic I thought it would be nice for you to get out and excercize all on your own. That said...2. I dont know all the details but you and Robb split, as evenly as possible, the kid time. You cant be EVERYTHING! 3. I just spent the last eight months wondering if my son was the seed of satan and why God would play such a mean miracle on me. I have spent the better part of 45 minutes "making" Lyndle stay in time out. All while being bitten, slapped, kicked, pinched and told shut up. My kids dont listen all the time either. We will have to talk about all this. Too much for a "comment"!

Sounds like you need more of a break than you are getting Shan. Does Rob hear all of this?

Multi-Tasking Mama said...

You sound like a MUCH better mother than me. My 2.5 year old sat in his room for 2 hours on Saturday because he didn't want to put his toys in his toy box. And also because he said "I hit you in face" and "Mama, your not boss for me". We don't talk like that. I blame it on daycare, daycare is the reason my child is so rotten.

moo said...

It is so hard. Parenting is all a series of guilt traps we all fall into. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Also? (and I don't know if this will make you feel better or not) My pedi always says that it's your job to put the food in front of them and their job to decide if they're going to eat it or not. So give him the pancakes and if he decides he's done, then let him be done. I think it was OK to say that he couldn't have more milk until his pancakes were done (milk being heavy and filling up his belly) but that he could have water if he was thirsty and more pancakes if he was hungry.

Kids are designed to test limits. They want to be sure the same thing is going to happen every time. You have to be in charge. That is VERY HARD when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Dyan said...

Oh Shannon.... hnag in there sweetie, sounds like you could use a few hours to yourself... is there anyway this weekend that Rob could take the boys and go somewhere out fot he house or your folks... and you could just have 3 hours to yourself in complete silence with a bath and a book? I am sure you dontt want to spend time away from the boys, but maybe it could do you some good.... I knwo when I stress, I need to just get away, and babygirl - there is nothing wrong with that! Hang in there doll

UmassSlytherin said...

I usually freaking hate it when I visit a blog and some asshole song is playing. But I have to hand it to you, this one really cheered me up. This particular asshole song really did put a smile on my face. Thanks.

Peace, blogger...

Kim said...

First of all, I am sorry you feel that way. I just started medication for depression and I can tell a difference but I can also feel the blah feelings coming back so I can understand.

Second of all, I think Brandon just turned 3 or is about to correct? The 3's SUCK WAY HARD! I wish I had something better to tell you but the first 6 months Little Man was 3 I thought we were never making it to 4 and hos could people who had one 3 year old ever want another. It was like he turned three and someone snuck in my house and switched him out with a monster. We have about 4 months until he is 4 and he is MUCH MUCH better. Not all the time and we are still working on small things.

All I can say is hold your ground. You are a wonderful mother, I know you doubt that right now because I did when he was acting like that but it does get better and he will act like a normal child again I promise.

Sorry my comment got so long.......I just know exactly what you are talking about!

Steph said...

You are strong Shannon. You get the brunt of it because you are the one around, you are the main discipline person. And he knows you love him...with all your heart. This is just a stage, one of many, and it will get better. I know that doesn't help though. I am here. Just a phone call away. I will come over and do what I can anytime.

angie said...

Take a deep breath...you are a good mom and even if you yell once in a while Brandon is still going to love you and know that you love him! It sounds like we need to have that little dinner we talked about much sooner than later! That way you can have a night away from the kiddos and maybe Brandon will lay on the floor and yell for mommy while you are gone so Rob can see what you have to go through :(

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