12.10.2008

Nothing

It is coming on fast this time. I can feel it. I suppose it is a positive thing that I know when my dark times come. I can give people warning. Although, I imagine if they look hard enough it is easy to see it coming. I told Rob to be on the look out and he is. He's kind of treating me like a fragile package which is smart for him because right now I'm mostly like a time bomb. You never know if I will react by screaming in your face or simply breaking down into tears. Although thinking about it, I'm not sure he really needed me to tell him. I think the other day when I looked over at him for no reason and said, "it would feel so good to punch you in the teeth right now," with a dead serious smile on my face, he knew...in fact that might have been a dead give away huh?

I called my pediatrician yesterday just to verify that I really really can't take anything. I asked about Ativan, Prozac and Zoloft. She said they were all classified as, "not enough testing done, could cause long term negative effects," meaning she absolutely could not advise me to take anything. Her advice was to stop nursing. Which, awesome, yes let me stop eating my child who has a food aversion and refuses to eat anything but boobs.

I am happy though that the people in my life have finally stopped trying to offer me suggestions. I've been dealing with this for at least 15 years and personally I think I do a pretty great job of handling it with out medicine. I've tried everything and, for the most part I know what works. Honestly, when people make suggestions to me it makes me sad, it simply makes me feel as though they think something is wrong with me. I function fine, I go to work, I shower, cook and clean and act human, and yet they feel so bothered by me they have to tell me how I should change. I think it would simply be easier to allow me to work it out the best way I know how and just be there to listen. I guess, I tell you this now, so that if you have someone like me in your life it can serve as a warning, stop trying to tell them how to be different. You may think you are offering helpful advice but honestly to them, you might as well be screaming YOUR DOING IT WRONG PLEASE CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO SUIT MY NEEDS. Just because you may be uncomfortable around a person like me doesn't mean you need to tell me how to be different, either leave, or learn to deal with it. I'm not harming anyone so why on earth would you waste so much energy telling me I'm not handling my life right? It is a relief to have the people I have in my life. They simply act like a friend, listen and let me work it out myself.

I love when people ask me about it though. When they try and learn how I work instead of just sit back and judge. Katie spent a good 20 minutes on the phone asking me about stuff today. About my insomnia and my photographic memory that never stops. I was telling her about my mind. How the memories never shut off. I spend my day clicking through images. Remember those old school toys with the slide things you put in them, and then you would click through and see different pictures. That is exactly how my head is, only someone else is in charge of the clicking not me.


Viewmaster childs toy = my head

The worst part is, they aren't even always worth while memories. For example, at least once a week I find myself remembering the time my friend Sandy's mom asked her to make toast. So I went with her and watched as she slathered bread with margarine and then shoved it in the toaster. Butter was dripping out all over the counter and I was massively grossed out. This is a pointless memory yet I have to re-live it weekly. This is part of why I never sleep. The sleeping pills never did anything to shut down my mind. Can you imagine trying to sleep while your brain is busy replaying images of the time you went to Taco Bell and ate a taco, no not that time, the other time. Or how about trying to sleep when your mind won't quit playing the time that guy brought you chicken noodle soup because you were sick, but you didn't eat meat, but you didn't want to make him feel bad so you ate the fucking soup anyway just to be nice. Yes. It is hard living in my head. The memories, the slide shows, they never stop and they span back to when I was about 3. Maybe earlier, because the memory that plays the most often of all is when my dog got stolen when I was very very little. Followed by the stupid memory of this sticker my dad had that said Phishlips. On my fucking deathbed I'll still see that goddamn sticker in my head.

I hate the feeling of wait though. I hate knowing it is coming and having to just sit here and wait. It's mostly here but the worst is yet to come. I never really talk about that time. That is when people really start worrying or feeling sorry for me. I know I'm thankful I found the man I did. He's a special kind of person for dealing with this crazy. I'm trying to be more aware this time. More aware with the kids. If I sense myself getting angry or moody I've started letting Rob handle bed time for Brandon or having him hang out with him. It is easier then blowing up over nothing, yelling and then feeling worse then I already do because I'm a terrible mom who yells. It works well and I'm able to make sure every second I spend with my kids is happy and fun and relaxing.

I guess that is why I finally decided to entertain the idea of medicine. While I know I'll still always have these periods, I also know the meds will help enough that I won't have to walk on egg shells around my kids and family. I can't wait to not be the mom who yells. I'm hopeful at the prospect that my kids will always remember a smiling dorky mom who just loved to play and hang out with them. I'm hopeful they will remember only fun story times at night, and games of tag, and cooking in the kitchen and never ever remember me having a full fledged melt down because the toothpaste fell off the toothbrush or because their hair wouldn't comb just right.

Anyway, you are warned, I have no idea how my future posts will be. I'll try to keep it light and fun, but there are no promises. At least now you know.

8 comments:

Mom said...

I know you have not told everyone what is going on and I know you will in time honey. You just have a lot on your plate right now these next couple of months are going to be hard. Just take them one day at a time and know were always here for you. You have some great friends, a husband and a cousin who will never let you fall.

Just so you know your the best mom I loved seeing you chase them both down the street last night while Brandon was driving Codi in his Jeep. All moms get fed up and need time outs its good you know when to walk away and let Rob take over.

Love you very much any time you need a baby sitter just call we love having the kids.

Mom

Jayla'sMommy said...

Awww Shannon. I don't really know what exactly is going on and I also don't know what to really say but I just wanted to let you know that you are a great mom and wife and person and hopefully things will get better soon.
I know you don't like hugs but I kind of feel like wanting to leave you a (virtual) one. I hope that's okay.

Livin' the dream said...

I completely appreciate how you threw all that out there. And especially to point out that you don't like the "suggestions" that people seem to feel compelled to give. (It's interesting how people get so nervous or uncomfortable at things that aren't sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...) But that's how it goes sometimes, and when things are down, what I need to hear is, "hey, that totally sucks and I'm here for ya." Good for you...

Snarky Lady said...

I'm sorry you are going into a dark time. I know what that feels like and I too am "glad" that I can tell when it's coming.

Just worry about yourself, your family and getting through it. If people don't like it, screw 'em.

Not So Perfect said...

Thanks for your honesty. I don't know the right words to say, but I guess that was your point there really aren't any right words to say. Just know that I am here for you if you ever need to spew. I know you already know this but you are an amazing mom, wife, daughter and friend.

angie said...

I think being aware of your dark time is what makes you such an amazing person. You know when to take a step back and let Rob handle things and you also know how to appreciate him for dealing with the crazy as you so often call it. Like your mom said, all moms get fed up and need their own time and I think that is perfectly normal. You always do what's best for your kids and you always put your family first.

You have a good handle on your dark times and you know how to deal with them so you are still able to function. I think that in itself is a huge accomplishment. I know others that have to completely shut down and it's like their life gets put on hold. For them, that's what works best. For you, you deal through it and are still able to function as a wife and mom. That's what works for you and it's admirable!

I'm thinking of you during this time and if you ever need a chat you know you can call!

Oh and the analogy of your mind to the little picture flipper toy...WOW...powerful to describe how memories play in your head.

Ginger said...

Is this all because you lost at Monopoly AGAIN???

(ok, I know it's not, I'm just trying to put a little smile on your face...you know where I am if you ever need me and I'll see you this weekend at 11 (and really 11, not like, you know, 11 in Ginger-time))!

Scott said...

It's great that you know this for what it is and can pass that information on to those who are close to you so they understand as well. It must have been difficult for your husband, us guys always want to try and do something to fix the problems, especially when it's happening to someone close to us. Good for him to be able to know how to handle it, that it can't be fixed, but he can do things to help you get through it. Be sure to let him know that you appreciate how he handles it, positive feedback helps to ensure positive actions.

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