Thank God for Ramen and Vicoden

So yeah yeah I'm in Reno and there is a bunch of snow and shit. Fucking snow. Have I ever told you I HATE THE FUCKING SNOW. Move you say. No I can't move because my parents are here and don't you know the world would dissolve and crumble to shit if I moved my son away from his papa and mramaw, why he would never speak to me again. Wait a minute...that would at least buy me a few seconds of silence.

Back to the slut snow! I had to make a trip to the store today. One of my New Years resolutions is to make weekly meal plans and only make one trip to the store to save money (making extra trips to buy milk for the boy doesn't count as he would murder me in my sleep if I didn't provide endless chogglet nilp, also this ensures I cook food at least 5 nights a week and allows my husband two free nights to do as he pleases). I had a few other things I wanted to do but I was worried because of the snow. Here was my list:

  • Drive clear across town to get my mom a napoleon from this special bakery for her birthday.
  • Meet my cousin at Kohls and obsess over new bedding for her
  • Go to grocery store
  • Go to Babies R Us to buy bouncy chair, breast milk bags, and organic Elmo Noodle soup
I get Codi all ready to go, nurse him so his belly is full, pack up his little snow suit and off we go. I get in the car and POOF it starts snowing it isn't bad but it's still snowing and there was already about 4 inches on the ground. I sit in my driveway for about 8 minutes assessing the situation. I finally decide that no matter how much I want to buy my mom that Napoleon driving all the way across town was just not safe (I think she would appreciate a live child and grand child more then a pastry..I hope). I also decide to knix Kohls. I head to Babies R Us to buy this chair. I spend about 20 minutes in the chair isle looking at all the other chairs because they don't have the one I want. I'm pretty annoyed so I go around the whole store getting everything else. That is also where I stumble upon 5 new bedding sets by new brands that are all totally awesome and that were not there a short 4 months ago when I bought bedding. This pissed me off more and add that to my anger over the chair, well, lets just say I was getting feisty. I went back to the chair isle and hemmed and hawed some more before finally getting pissed and leaving. Do you know why I couldn't find the chair? Go look at it again, notice anything, anything over there on the right? Like the words ONLY AVAILABLE ONLINE! Yeah I must have eating a bowl of retard soup for breakfast. I find this extra funny because I had stared at that fucking chair no less then 8 times and I always look for the available online only thing. Again, the retard soup must have got me.

Anyway at this point I've spent too much time at the baby store and I've bought too little goodies so I am crabby. I go walking out the store to see that the little dusting of snow has turned into a Goddamn blizzard and now I'm just all around pissed the fuck off. I decide that I'm going to just drive right across the street to Albertsons (Savemart bought this out but I refuse to refer to it as Savemart because it just sounds idiotic) instead of going all the way to Smiths like normal. I was all stoked because I scored a primo front parking spot and I thought that was great since I had a baby and I didn't want him all wet. I climb in back to get Codi out of his seat and I step backwards out of the car and my foot hit some kind of curb. I guess they had build a second curb about 2 feet from the actual curb for you to park carts between. Anywho my foot hits it and slides right off. Next thing I know both of my feet are under my car, my ass is crashing into this pointy curb and my back is cracking onto the curb after my ass and my head is smacking into the second curb, all the while I'm laying in about 6 inches of snow. Codi, was all bundled into his snowsuit and lucky I had a good grip on him because he didn't even wake up in all the mess. So I stand up real quick like hoping no one saw and I turn around to see some skank whore slut bitch girl sitting in a car with her asshole piece of shit motherfucker boyfriend laughing. Yes she is laughing. She sees me look at her, covers her mouth to stifle her laugh and fumbles with her window to ask if I'm okay. I wave her off and stomp into the store. I was so shocked that the piece of shit guy didn't even have the decency to get out and check on me while I was laying there.

Anyway I finally get into Savemart, poorly named money sucking grocery store Albertsons and start shopping only to realize everything there cost almost a dollar more then Alberstsons used to and about .75 more then my beloved Smiths. Then I realize the whole reason I wanted to go to Smiths anyway was that I had a little bit of money left on a gift card and no money left in my checking account. Dammit now I was really mad. I decided fuck it I would buy the stuff and figure it out later. I went all over the store got my shit and even stuck to my list only adding 3 things that weren't on it. The only thing I didn't get was some damn Tamarind. Can someone please tell me what the fuck Tamarind is and what goddamn isle of the store you find it in. They didn't have any Napoleons and the Eclares didn't look up to par so I got my mom something else but it just isn't the same. I'm really sad because this year I was so proud of myself for thinking of the Napoleon and actually doing something I knew she would love.

I went down the soup isle and there in front of me was ramen. This may seem stupid but since I'm a vegetarian there is only one brand and one flavor of ramen I can eat. It is the Nissan Oriental flavor. The other brands all have beef broth. I can't seem to find this damn ramen anywhere so my eyes lit up. Then I thought of the Tuesday Tummy Tuck Club and I walked by the ramen. Then I thought about how my ass, back and head all simultaneously hurt and I was soaking wet from the waist down and you can bet your sweet ass I backed that cart right up and shoved about 4 bags of ramen into it.

I get up to the check stand (not before grabbing a loaf of fresh baked bread to ease my troubles) to pay and go to get my savings card and the girl was all, "oh you don't need that anymore we just automatically do it for you." Sounds like a load of hooey to me, thats what it sounds like. I pay my money and walk out. Well I try to walk out by my cart just gets stuck in the snow. So now I'm sitting here with my baby in his Moby all warm and snuggly on my chest (clearly signaling that I'm a mom with a tiny infant) trying to shove my cart across the parking lot all while a young, fit cart collector stands about ten feet away watching me. I finally force my cart across the way, get my kid in the car, nearly eating shit on the fucking curb again and open my truck only to have it dump about 5 inches of snow on my head and in my grocery bags. Now I'm mad. I load my groceries, grab the loaf of bread, pray that the Tummy Tuck gods can understand and I get in my truck. I tear off the end of the bread, dig out the soft middle and treck home going 30 goddamn miles an hour the whole way. I pull up at home and my whole entire body is hurting. I go in the house and Codi wakes up. It's time to feed him, then Brandon wants to eat breakfast (at 4:43 pm????? mmm belicous) I have to unload the groceries and I really need to pee. Then I see it, my little bag of ramen. OHHHHH YEAH I bust that shit out, fire up the oven and away we go, right. Nope not so much. I boil it to just the right texture, season it just right, put the steaming bowl on the table and go to eat it when CRASH Brandon bumps into the bassinet waking up Codi. (At this point I think I actually growled) I get Codi, stick him back on my boob and finally, oh sweet Jesus did I get to sit down and eat my ramen. Fuck me that stuff is good. All 400 and something calories of it. Nevermind it was cold by then and that right as I got my second bite in my mouth my son decided to take my raspberry fizzy water thing and shoot it across my just cleaned floors, it was still damn good.

So in the end, I still hate the fucking snow and I still love ramen and dammit the powers above better let me lose weight this week despite the ramen, bread and Hershey's kisses as a consolation for eating shit in the snow in front of people and not throwing rocks through their rude, no respect having windshield!

End transmission!

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