So there that is

Like a very wise blogger once told me, don't let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can't write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don't know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it's repeated then maybe you shouldn't say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won't finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn't just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don't even want to know how much hell I'm going to catch for writing this post.

I've always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with "the crazy". I also realized that medications weren't for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn't being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn't even know it was happening. I didn't talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn't say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn't just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn't place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren't to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn't win.

I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I'm going to stop here and I'll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I'll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn't notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!

** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn't going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don't think I'm some anti medicine person because really, I'm a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you're too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.

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