Putting on my crazy hat

This was one of those weekends. Where I let the crazy come right out and SHINE! Rob and I been on a budget lately. This means that besides necessities I really haven't bought myself anything. And with the exception of veggies, dairy and soy food everything I've been buying myself has been cheap. I have bought store brand coffee creamer that taste like dust and I haven't had shaving cream in far to long. So Friday its nice out and I decide to ride my bike home. I had a million reasons not to, it was late, I still needed to go to the store and cook Rob dinner and he was home alone with both kids. But I made the choice and went riding. I got home and took Brandon with me to the store. When we got there my mom called and said she wanted to take Rob to sushi. Well since we only had one car because I had left mine at work and rode my bike home, he couldn't leave until I got home. I was trying to hurry but everyone kept calling and texting me asking if I was done yet. On top of everything Brandon had to go potty twice while we were there slowing me down. When we were done I headed to the check out and Brandon saw those little Lindt truffle chocolates and asked for one. He had been really good and I haven't bought him anything lately so I grabbed 2 for him and 2 for me. I knew that for single bite chocolates they were expensive, but I thought that since I had ridden my bike that day and would have to the next day, and had given up my bagel (more on that in a sec) that some chocolate wouldn't hurt. I tossed in a Godiva caramel too and called it a night. On the way home Brandon and I each ate one of our candies and I left the rest in Robs car for the next day as an incentive to really ride to work. I got home and Rob rushed off to sushi and a little part of me wanted to just kill him because he could just go out and eat what he wanted, he didn't have to count calories like me. But I digress. Saturday morning I woke up and I even did some yoga and then I went on my bike ride. I came home and ate a super healthy lunch and decided I could have my precious chocolates. I walked out to his car and they were gone. I asked him where he put them, because he doesn't eat chocolate I knew he had to have moved em. His reply, "I threw em away." I am pretty sure I resembled a tin can when he said this because I was crushed. To give you a little back story Rob is a neat freak. He hates stuff in his car. I have a bad habit of leaving stuff behind but I've gotten so good these last few years. HOWEVER since I didn't have a car and knew I would be getting it in the morning I figured it would be okay to leave my chocolate in the console over night with my bank receipts. I also figured since I was so super rushed out of his car so he could go to sushi he would understand why they were still there as I carried in all 7 grocery bags and got Brandon in all on my own just so he could hurry and leave. Here is where I got mad. He brought my bank receipts in but chose to throw away the chocolate. I got mad. I was like babe did you not learn last year when you threw away my perfectly good Krispy Kreme? His response was, "well you shouldn't have left it in my car, besides it's just candy, go buy more." There in lies the problem. I couldn't just buy more, that cost money. In my mind he had just tossed close to a dollar of chocolate in the trash and that dollar could pay for half of an organic milk for Brandon. Not to mention I only left it there because I had no where else to put it and I don't buy stuff for myself so the fact that I did meant there was no chance I would go spend more money to replace something I felt bad about buying anyway. Needless to say I was mad. I was mad he didn't even ask me if I wanted it, he just threw it away. I told him I was mad and went about my day.

Finally that night I just had to let the crazy out. I have felt so frustrated all week. With all the budgeting going on I'm automatically stressed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Add that to the fact that I always feel rushed. I rush to get both kids dressed and fed before work, and rush to make it to work on time, and rush to work as fast as I can so that taking care of the kids doesn't effect how much I get done, I rush home to make dinner, I rush to relax and then I rush to bed to start the day over. I barely blog anymore because that is time I could be doing dishes or reading to a kid or coloring with Brandon or folding a load of laundry. So when the weekend comes the last thing I want to do is rush. I knew that as far as Saturday went THE ONLY thing I had planned was to go for a bike ride at some point. THAT WAS IT. I woke up early and cleaned the house and did the dishes and got all my chores done and then I kinda just relaxed and picked up my book. I got Brandon down for a nap and I figured I would put together that movie you all watched this weekend because if I have the video camera out with him awake his big head has to be in front of it. I also knew that when he woke up my parents were coming to get him right away so I wasn't in any hurry to accomplish much while he napped. I told Rob I was going to ride "soon" and got dressed. I finished uploading my video, editing it and posting it. Rob started getting all fussy that I hadn't left yet. He was like what if Brandon wakes up then I'll have both kids. I was like yeah so I have them both every day. His response was, "your used to it though." My response, "How can you get used to it if you never do it?" I told him I would hurry and I rushed out of the house to ride. I got to work and got my car and I had to take my dads deposit to the bank and drop off a payment for him. Then I got excited because I remembered telling Rob on Friday morning that I had $6.00 in my wallet that I had been holding on to and I was going to use it to buy a bagel for lunch on Sat after riding. So I begin heading toward the bagel place and then I remembered that Rob was all stressed about having both kids, so I made the decision to forgo getting my bagel and just went home. I was pretty sad. Then the candy thing happened and it was safe to say I was really sad. I was starting to shut down and just get angry inside my head. Then Rob really pushed. He asked if he could go out with his friends that night. I was mad. PISSED. I wasn't mad that he wanted to go out at all, I was mad that earlier that day he had been giving me shit about leaving him with the kids but he didn't even think twice about just taking off and leaving me with the kids. I was done for the day. I got my book and just read on the couch. Finally I talked to Rob. I told him how I felt. I told him I feel like I spend my weekdays in hyper speed being rushed here and there and everywhere and that it bothered me to feel so rushed on my weekend. I told him how he always commented on other people rushing people through their day, and that he didn't even realize he did it to me. He said that he just thought when you say you are going to do something you should just jump right up and do it. I laughed at how many times he said he was going to clean the garage and then took a nap before doing it. I told him that I liked to wake up on Saturday and just talk about my day but that didn't mean I was going to do it right that second IT WAS SATURDAY for crying out loud. I told him that I hated feeling like I had to always take one kid and that when I didn't take at least one, I had to hurry and rush rush rush back because it was hard for him to have both kids. Even though I probably have a full weeks worth of milk pumped in the fridge. I told him that it bothered me that he would throw away the candy because I spent money on it, and I did something nice for me. Rob has a man account, he gets money to do whatever he wants with. I don't. When I get any money at all I pay bills with it. Birthday money, Christmas money, I pay bills. So when I took that couple dollars and bought myself something he just threw it away because it wasn't his. I also pointed out that had it been me I would have at least asked him before just throwing something away. I told him that I was retreating into my head and it was about to get bad. He apologized and totally got what I was saying and everything ended up okay. Would you believe after all of that he was cleaning the garage on Sunday and he just threw away a whole bag with out asking meaning I had to go dig out all of Codi's winter clothes because Rob didn't look in the bag? Anyway, Rob and I are fine now. We are fine because he totally let me unload on him and he heard what I said and he understood it. I even went later that day with my $6.00 I didn't spend on bagels and got us each an ice cream, I got him a cinnamon choco taco and me an ice cream snickers (I always pick something with peanuts the days Brandon goes to my parents and he is safely away from them.)

Me on the other hand, well I'm still having a rough week. Everything is feeling so overwhelming right now. Being a parent is kicking my ass. When I get in these places where I just go away Brandon wears on me. Mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama really starts to break a person down. I am on the verge of tears at least 5 times a morning. The next thing I know I'm yelling and then I'm feeling bad for yelling. It's an endless cycle when I'm in this place. I wake up angry I'm mean and after about 2 hours I'm feeling bad for the rest of the day for letting him wear on me. As I type this he's wearing me thin but I'm trying so hard not to let it happen. I feel lately like I'm on auto pilot. Like I'm just going through the motions because at any minute it will all blow up on me. Money stresses me out, not being a 100% mom to Brandon stresses me out, knowing I'm not giving my all in the kitchen stresses me out, and I'm feeling sad. I get into these places and getting out is so hard. I've been trying to make an effort not to encourage it. I try and be careful about the music I listen to, and what I watch. I have tried to just get caught up in a book so I'm not alone with my thoughts to long. I'm trying to eat healthier and take vitamins and cut out the crap so that hopefully that helps some. I think I'm the most worried about my son hating me because sometimes I'm just not on my game 100% . I worry now that I'm blogging too much, or reading to much, or cleaning to much and then I stop and I spend time with him and I feel like then I'm losing anything that was for me. This is such an endless cycle right now. It will be days before I'm pulled out and I'm not sure how long until I am pulled out this time. No one can do it for me, I have to just bear the dark and the light will come eventually and I'm willing to wait.

I'm glad I have this blog. I'm glad I can have a place to come and vent and get this all out rather then just hold it inside because I'm worried how those around me will respond. I'm glad I have a place where I can talk and you will all do nothing but understand. More then anything I'm glad I have a place I can come and write and just leave it here. I don't have to talk about it, I don't have to hear about it, I don't have to be judged about it. It just stays here in it's own little spot and I'm happy with that! And please do me a favor. If you ever see me, don't look at me with pity, or like I'm that weird girl. Realize that I came here and I said my piece and I'm done. I don't want to discuss it openly and verbally, I don't want to hear about it, I just want it to be done and left here. There is nothing worse then the way people can look at you, you know. Makes me feel like the outcast on Desperate Housewives sometimes. Oh, look at Shannon, she's the one who can't handle it all the time and sometimes puts her kid in time out to avoid a personal melt down. I'm not so stupid that I don't hear the talking and see the looks, I just choose to avoid them!

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