there once was a mother who woke up to no crying babies because her husband had gotten up with them, fed them and got them ready for a day out so that mommy could sleep in, get a pedicure, massage and go shopping. then she would enjoy a nice gourmet meal, some good wine and fabulous chocolate dessert. then she'd take a nice bubble bath and go to bed....
There was a lady who owned a parrot and the parrot spend her days on the balcony. However this parrot would curse out all the neighbors as they walked by the house. The lady was mortified and embarrassed by the parrot. SO she warned...
Lady: Listen Lola, I'm going to punish you for cursing at the neighbors.
The parrot kept going and cursing at everyone on a daily basis. Finally the lady got fed up and chewed up some gum and stuck it on the parrot's tushy. Since the parrot could not relieve herself the parrot's belly got bigger and bigger.
Lola: I promise not to say bad words anymore. Please take the gum out.
Lady: No! I warned you. You are going to have to behave.
Lola: Please! Please! I PROISE! I PROMISE!
Finally after 3 days the lady gave up and removed the gum. The parrot was thrilled and she was let back out on the balcony just as a pregnant lady walked by and she said:
Lola: Hey Lady tell you husband to remove the gum from your ass already!
One muffin says to the other muffin: "Gob damn it's hot in here."
The other muffin looks at the first muffin in shock and exclaims "holy shit! It's a talking muffin!"
why did the avon lady walk funny?
cuz her lips-stick
A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass. Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
(UU please leave me your link I'm posting this at work where I don't have my links)