Someone hand me a baby wipe

I've been couped up in the house with a sick toddler for one and a half days, and it is safe to say that a sick 2.5 year old is so much worse then all other ages. Why is that you ask? Because he can fucking talk!

So far today I've heard,
"mom its a rock, mom its a elephant, mom whats she doing, mom whats he doing, mom what are you doing, mom is he jumping, mom he's dancing, mom mom MOM MOOOOOOOM."

And I swear someone needs to grab me a baby wipe because my brain just up and exploded out of my fucking head and ran away to get away from the incessant MOMMING and I really don't need brain juice staining my carpet I have enough Cheeto water and Crayola WASHABLE marker on there already.

If I still drank there would for sure be a couple drops of coffee in my large glass of Baileys this morning. See what I did there? I implied that I would need a drink so bad I would just skip the coffee and just go straight for the liquor. Ha ha, I'm funny right. NO. Are crickets chirping right now? I can't hear them over the shouts of "MOM LOOK ELMO MOVED, ELMO DID THIS ELMO DID THAT."

Angie just posted about how her fiancé bought her tampons. It reminded me of the time that my husband was very very drunk in San Francisco and we had just finished dining at this very classy place** that clearly we were not respectable enough to be at (I decided this when the lady next to me who was dripping head to toe in Louis Vuitton and then wrapped in a Louis pashmina shot us a dirty look for ordering a beer instead of "insert overpriced fancy wine here") when I declared I needed some pads. After dinner we walked over to a drug store, and my husband, drunk on wine (yeah we finally got some pink fruity totally delicious ghetto fabulous wine), Baileys, beer and something else I can't remember, and totally elated because the Giants had just beat the Dodgers BITCHES (his words) decided he would march up to the register and buy my pads for me. After this he walked out of the store and danced through the parking lot with my pads in his hands over his heads kind of the same way one would wave a foam finger around at a hockey game. I snapped a picture on my old Sprint flip phone and we drunkenly stumbled back to our hotel.

Years later I'm so angry at that stupid flip phone because that awesome memory is now forever lost inside of it, since it would be virtually impossible for me to get it out, and then when I did it would be 1 inch tall and pointless. While there is no doubt in my mind my husband would buy me pads again if I asked, I do know that never again in our lives will I be able to capture him dancing around with a giant bag of Always over night ultra pads over his head.

As if things haven't been bad enough this morning Elmos world just came on Sesame street and I'm now listening to him sing, Jumping jumping jumping jumping jump. Over and over and over and over. And I wonder, do the fuckers who produce these shows really hate parents or something? When ever I watch kids shows I suddenly realize that the writers of all of these shows hate their parents, and had awful childhoods and that is why they write annoying stupid shit like this. As revenge to all other parents out there, because they can't you know, just tell their own parents they hate them, they have to take it out on the rest of the fucking world who only turn on their TV to achieve five minutes of peace from their kid only to be confronted with shit like this.

I think I much more prefer this version. Watch it all the way through, it really is relaxing at the end.

And finally I leave you with things I could complain about today but won't
* I started my period
* I am out of my super jumbo over night pads and left with my, "are you serious this thing is supposed to hold more then a drop of blood from a paper cut" pads
* I only lost about 1.5 pounds this week
* Since losing so much weight (35 ish pounds) my underwear have gone from fitting like an overly stretched rubberband to looking like a shower cap for my ass. Seriously they fit like a plastic bulging shower cap and sag in all the wrong places. I'm fucking sexy these days I tell you
* I laid out a great outfit and am now to bloated to even think about putting on my jeans. Only problem, since losing all this weight I only have 3 pairs of jeans and they are all the same size..so since I'm so bloated, my maternity jeans are suddenly giving me come hither looks.
* I again made the mistake of bending over to put my socks on in front of a mirror, which means for the second time in my life I've witnessed my boobs dangling down and touching my knees.

Good thing I'm not going to complain today!

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