How to grocery shop like a pro

Step 1: Arrive at store only to discover you have forgotten to put your Moby Wrap back in your car after trip to Oregon. Stand there realizing you have two kids in your car.

Step 2: Scratch head for a while before deciding to us the only logical shopping cart for your trip. Grab this.Step three: Attach baby to base of cart inside of his car seat. Coerce two year old into putting the ill placed kites right at the front door back and get in beg him to get into his little car.

Step four: Enter grocery store and immediately try and wrangle two year old back into his car as he has just jumped out and gone flailing at top speed toward a stupid balloon posted right in the front of the store IN HIS REACH.

Step five: Realize the store is out of the apples, oranges, onions, and potatoes you want. Beg and plead with your child to please stay in the cart.

Step six: Purchase a watermelon in place of Clementine's. Consider purchasing back brace to lift said watermelon.

Step seven: Get suckered into buying Diego Yogurt drinks because stupid grocery store places them low on the shelf making them eye level with small whiney children.

Step eight: Crowd isles while you pry tiny foil lid off said yogurt drink because two year old refuses to sit still unless he gets to drink yogurt RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Step nine: Go to check out. Pry numerous candy bars from sons hands because stupid ass grocery store places candy in reach of tiny fingers. Finally finish and attempt to maneuver stupid ass cart to your car. Looking like this,
Step ten: Watch in horror as your son flings yogurt and yogurt container out of cart all over himself and parking lot.

Step eleven: Go to clean up yogurt and discover that two year old has stolen pack of gum opened it up and eating over half of it.

Step twelve: Confiscate said gum, march two year old back to store to pay for it then throw it away to teach two year old NOT TO STEAL.

Step thirteen: Get back to car go to unpack bags and see that bagger has packed your bags like this,
Yeah, because that doesn't look healthy (there was actually two more items in bag but I removed them so you could see the copious amounts of milk and creamer).

Step fourteen: Repack bags so they are actually liftable and unload groceries. Put kids in car and get inside.

Step fifteen: Scan receipt and realize check charged you .96 per pound for watermelon as opposed to .47 meaning your $5.00 watermelon just became a $9.00 watermelon.

Step sixteen: Decide that $4.00 isn't worth dragging kids back to store, and wonder why you still shop here since this is the 5th time in 4 months they have fucked up your receipt.

Step seventeen: Get home and take inventory of everything you forgot at the store while wrestling with child. Start new list of things to buy, realize you need at least 7 things and you were just at the fucking store.

Step eighteen: Realize you still have one child covered in yogurt and must bathe him. Attempt to cram groceries into fridge and rush to bathe child.

Step nineteen: Realize you need to bathe baby also. Give both kids a bath, and discover you look like a disaster yourself, and have had a pretty rough day.

Step twenty: Take photo to show the world how totally unglamorous you are on a daily basis after chasing a two year old and nursing a baby.

Step twenty one: Wait three days AND THEN remember the watermelon rolling around in your car.

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