I'm posting at work. I don't care. It's five minutes and I need to write this while its fresh, while the hurt is still there.

I yelled at Brandon this morning. I yelled at him because he wouldn't brush his teeth. I grabbed his arms with force and put him on his stool and shouted. I feel like shit. I want to cry. I hate myself for it. I know, I only yelled, I didn't hit him, spank him, even slap his hand, but to me it's worse.

I hate these days. The days where I can't get a handle on my emotions. Where I start the morning feeling hot and cute and sexy and happy, and in an instant I snap. I change. I'm horrid. I feel it coming on, I can't control it. I want to make it stop, even as I'm yelling at him, I'm yelling in my head STOP IT SHANNON STOP GET CONTROL. I just pulled into work and I feel my defenses going up. I already know I will be hyper aware of him today. I will protect him, keep him from trouble and be extra nice. I don't want him to feel worse then he already did this morning when his own mom shouted at him.

I'm going on an internet black out today. Don't instant message me I won't be there. I need to do some work, hear some music and be alone with my thoughts. No one elses, no idle conversation, just push it aside and work. I have to think, clear my head. Move on from this morning and pull myself out of this.

I'll be back tomorrow, but for today, just leave me alone. Let me stew in m own anger at myself. I need to be a better mom.


Baby steps

I was just watching an old episode of Oprah on Tivo and I am totally appalled. It is about families who waste stuff. Not just a little waste BIG HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS HUGE WASTE. As in, if it has been opened for more then three days they throw it away before grocery shopping again. They did this every week. Every single week they would bring in giant black garbage bags and clean out their cabinets. Half boxes of cereal GONE, half bottles of soda GONE, any left overs GONE, if their daughter had the father drive to the coffee shop and pick up a bagel, then changed her mind before he got home the bagel was GONE. No one would eat it, no one would just pack it in their lunch, it was just tossed in the trash. Their heater was held at 82, all the lights and tvs were on even if no one was watching. One kid alone used 7-8 water bottles a day. She had a closet with over 100 tank tops and about 50 of them had tags on them. Some of her clothes she didn't even remember buying or owning.

Oprah's solution was to make them go one tiny week with out some stuff. No cell phones, video games or computers (unless for homework), and only one hour of TV a day for the entire family, and only one TV on in the whole house. No shopping at all, and they had to eat what they had in their house. The heat could not go over 70. While I think it was a cool concept I really think they should have done it for a lot longer then a silly week.

While watching this one of the things that came to me, was the same reoccurring theme I've noticed lately. That theme being, you need to start early with kids rather then wait until they are fifteen, sixteen, seventeen or even eighteen to try and repair the damages caused. Meaning that waiting until your child is fifteen to say, sorry, no TV, phones, computers and so on IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

Now that I'm done watching the show I've thought of the small changes I've tried making lately. I've stopped using water bottles, I'm trying to ween myself off paper plates and bowls. I'm recycling my plastic utensils at work, and recycling all paper, plastic, glass and aluminum I can at home (this is new, I used to say recycling took too much effort), and trying to use less water. I never throw food away. I take it to work and give it to one of my guys, or take it to family I know will eat it, or send it to work with my husband and he gives it to all his friends. I hate throwing stuff away now. When I grocery shop I only buy exactly what we need so nothing ends up wasted. No longer do you open my fridge and see wilted lettuce or veggies, or rotten cheese. No more buying fruit for looks and then letting it mold, I eat it all up. I buy 5 apples. One for every work day and that is it.

The strange part is how much I enjoy this. I really enjoy doing good things. I enjoy using green household products (side note does anyone know a good green kid safe product that cleans pergo floors?), and I enjoy recycling. I like knowing I'm doing a little something to help my kids future.

However I want to do better. I want to turn off the lights, and TV's and computers. I want to take shorter showers. I want to recycle more, I want to be careful about what I put back into the earth. Mostly I want to do whatever I can to make it so my kids still have an earth (even if my mom just told me they will probably just get bombed and drafted and killed anyway (because that didn't help my anxiety any)). I'm trying to teach Brandon to turn off his lights and Tv when he isn't in his room. When cooking in the evening I open all the curtains and use natural light. I want to do better. This is hard!

What about you? What small things do you do to help the earth? What changes do you wish you could make? What great tips do you have? Any fun little advice? Also, does anyone know where I can buy envirosacs locally? They are mostly sold out online, and I'd rather not pay shipping, and then have to pollute the earth with the delivery trucks and what not when I can just grab them during a routine shopping trip.

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