In need of a vice

Tonight someone stopped by my house. I was in the middle of making dinner. Something I haven't done in over a week. Why? Because I had Brandon's birthday party meaning I had family in and out all week. Even when I didn't have family staying here we were still out to dinner with them or something. Friday I had the day off and I spent the first half of the day at the stores buying some new bedding and some other odds and ends. Then family came by and we went out bowling and to dinner. Saturday I spent the day in my room. I decluttered my bathroom counters, did some laundry, and picked up parts of the house. Saturday night Rob and I didn't have Brandon and Codi actually napped so we just sat down ate dinner and watched a movie together. It was nice. Sunday I did a lot of grocery shopping, all of Brandons laundry, Robs laundry and washed the whites (Rob folded them). I got everything ready for the week, laid out Brandons change of bedding for school and cleaned up some of his toys. I even cleaned part of my bathroom and washed some rugs. Sunday night I went to a birthday party and had a great time. I needed that. While I got a lot done this past week, at the same time I didn't' get shit done.

Back to the point. Tonight someone stopped by as I was cooking. They were there a short amount of time and the only two things they could say was, my garden died and it was my fault and my house was a mess. Which of course was my fault. They left and I was deflated. Here I was just trying to cook a meal for my husband since I haven't done it all week and the life was sucked right out of me. I stood there for a minute and all I could think was I want to have a shot. Nope can't do that. Fine I'm going to smoke something. Nope can't do that. Fine I'll eat a donut. Nope can't do that. Well what the fuck. I'm all out of vices. Someone suggested running. Sure let me just stop dinner and take of running. Nope can't do that. I need a real vice. A quick fix and I got nothing. So I did the most logical thing I could think of. I rocked out to my new favorite song and then set out cleaning. I cleaned the bath tub, bath seat and toys. I emptied all of the trashes. Cleaned off all of the kitchen counters. Got two loads of laundry in the wash and one is in the dryer. I put all the mail in my designated "ignore" pile and cleaned off the top of the washer and dryer (my end of the day catch all for junk). I put away the clothes on my dresser and set to work wiping random shit down. I realized I was angry at the comment that person made. Angry that I was finally trying to accomplish something as simple as dinner and it wasn't enough. I'm looking around now at all the other shit I need to do. The table needs wiped down the place mats need changed. The fridge needs cleaned and the pantry needs organized and the fucking donuts are still staring at me.

The truth is that I kind of purposely let my house go some. I thought I would be moving soon and so I thought I would be packing soon. I figured I would finally get a chance to declutter and garage sale some shit. But now, with the house being pushed out even farther I guess I have to suck it up and do a deep fall cleaning.

I just wish I had a vice. I wish I could be responsible enough with my drinking to just throw a few back tonight. The sad truth is, I probably could handle it now. I'm in a different place but I won't let myself find out. I think that if I ever took another drink I would be so let down that would send me spiraling. It's become sort of a game now. How long can I go with out drinking. But the other truth is, I'll always have my depression, I'll always have the lows like I'm having now, and I'll never be able to tell the difference between tossing some back to relax and tossing a bottle back to drown my sorrows.

I think I'm lucky I've made some new great friends. I think lately those friends have been my saving grace. Still though, I don't have a vice. Do you have a vice? What is yours? Are there any vices out there that I can do while nursing that won't affect my waist line, and that aren't too too illegal?

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